A new light

Just came back from brunch with a college buddy of mine who recently moved to Boston to start graduate school. We were decently close in college, but mostly because we were both part of a fairly tight-knit honors engineering class of ~30 kids. Our circle of closest friends had significant overlaps, but he and I were more acquaintances in comparison and lost touch for the most part after college.

Through some other small-world situations last January, we found out we would both be in Bangkok around the same dates and made it a point to get together for dinner one night. He told me then that he would be starting business school in Boston come fall 2010.

Fast forward a few months to last November. We got fancy brunch together on a random Saturday, and to be honest, it was a ton of fun. Conversation just flowed, and we laughed a lot together, and I thought to myself, "I wonder if he is single."

He was. Because we segued into talking about relationships, and he told a funny first-date story from just the weekend before. I dropped my own recent first-date story, and we laughed some more. He insisted on paying for brunch, convincing me with "well, you can get it next time."

Next time was today. I was a bit worried about how our conversation would go today. A lot of the easy breezy conversation from last time stemmed from our stories reminiscing college, but there's only so much we can reminisce about college. With that automatic common conversation topic gone, would we still have laughing flowing banter?

We did. And he's still single. And I'm still single. Our server came by several times to see if we were ready with the check, and even after we paid (I got the bill this time), we stayed for another 15 minutes just drinking water and laughing.

He showed no inclinations to leave, despite several attempts on my part hinting it. I didn't particularly want to leave either, but I started feeling bad about occupying table space with a growing line of people out the door waiting to be seated. Perhaps he was too but was just stalling for time? Every time I reached for something to indicate I was ready to go (wallet to pay, hat & gloves, saying no to more water/coffee), he wouldn't mimic my action, and we would instead start along a new conversation topic.

When we finally did get up to leave, I said that we should do this again because I love brunch.

He said, "Oh yes absolutely. I could eat brunch everyday. Let's do this again soon."

one step forward, two steps back

Developments along several fronts:

1) Special Friend and I defined our relationship. We defined it as "friends with benefits." However, since defining it, there haven't been any benefits. In fact, the momentum for benefits is gone. It's as if our defining our relationship actually killed it. I want benefits because I always want benefits. But I think about benefits with Special Friend, and the mood just isn't even there. I imagine that he probably feel the same way since I haven't heard from him at all since our little DTR talk.

2) I told HB that he doesn't engage me. He said that he agreed. He claims it's because he is exhausted working 12+ hour days with no weekends. I told him I was afraid it was just his personality. I stopped short at saying that I didn't think he was intelligent enough to engage me intellectually. I'm pretty much an elitist bitch.

3) Met a quality boy last weekend. At a bar. Well, actual quality is yet to be determined. We had some scheduling difficulties this week, so we're getting dinner next Wednesday. He is tall, blonde, gorgeous, and definitely held up his end of the conversation. I kept pinching myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Who meets quality people at a bar? He also turned out to have a collaboration project with one of my lab mates. Small world.

4) A really good girlfriend of mine revealed today that she was raped at 19. She was in a big group of women, including me, when she blurted it out. She didn't elaborate on the circumstances under which this happened, and I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet... but she did seem relieved to have the secret lifted off her shoulders after so many years (she's currently 27). I wonder though, if she will come to regret the openness of the revelation given that most of the women there were merely acquaintances.

As for me, I'm still digesting this piece of information, but my gut reaction was "wow, that explains so much about her chronic destructive behavior around men." I, as her best friend in the room, remained stoic and unemotional, while the other women around me cried.

Damage

For the first time, I packed a bag to stay over at Special Friend’s. This time, staying over wasn’t something we stumbled on after 5 beers each. Staying over wasn’t just me not going home at the end of a night of partying. We had plans to go snowboarding the next morning, and he texted me to say “You could bring your stuff over and stay if you want.”

Gushing, I thought about what to text back. Obviously, I’d love to stay over. But my protective instinct started to text “Yeah, okay sure. That’d be convenient for the morning.”

Then I erased it because I don’t want to play games anymore. I’m gushing, and he deserves to know how genuinely happy I am that he asked. So I replied “I like it :)”

For the first time, we had sex while both of us were sober. He loves to focus on me, and I love to focus on him. He fumbled a little, only because we don’t yet know each others’ bodies, but he seemed to want to right the situations himself. So I just relaxed, smiled, and let him figure it out. He was gentle but assertive, and our bodies swayed to a slow love-making rhythm.

Right afterwards, with him still on top of me and my legs wrapped up around him, he swooped his arms under my back and hugged me tightly.

“Mmm, that was amazing,” I said.

Silence.

This from a man who just three nights before couldn’t stop saying “oh my god, you are so good.” Does he clam up with sobriety? Is sex not as enjoyable when he’s sober? Was I not good? I went out on a limb to express my pleasure and got silence in return. I felt the hint of the damage.

After a bit of cuddling, he flipped on his stomach so I could give him a back massage.

“I like how hard you press with your hands on my back,” he told me.

“Let me know if it’s too hard.”

“Like when you’re pressing so hard that you pull out some hair from my back?”

I was horrified, immediately took my hands off his back, and asked him if I’d actually done that. Was “I like how hard you press” a passive aggressive way of telling me I was using too much pressure?

“No,” he said, “You weren’t pressing too hard until right before I said that. The pressure feels really good.”

“Oh okay.” But the biting damage had already been done.