it's friday!

Well, Friday started off on a bad note. Non-stop hard hard rain. Pour, pour, pour, and I debated this morning whether to actually don my rain gear to bike to work. I ultimately did, feeling confident and rather giddy at my tomboyishness to brave the forces of nature.

Biking along a major street (in the bike lane), a car coming out of an alleyway noses out in front of me, blocking the bike lane completely and sticking its head out past the lane into the actual roadway. The driver first looked away from me, for traffic oncoming from the other side of the road. Then he turned and looked straight at me. I saw him hesitate for a second, then decide to let up on his brakes, preparing to pull out in front of me.

At first, I hit my bike brakes because obviously I don't want to run into his car. Then in a moment of boldness, I am pissed off. Why should I avoid him?? He is the one turning into my path. I totally have the right of way going straight, and he should not be turning to cut me off just because I am a bike. I have every right to be on the road, and he needs to respect that. So I let up my brakes, pedal, and swerve around the front of his car.

As I am going by him, he gestures madly at me. I throw up my hands with a "What the fuck" face, and keep riding.

He turns, pulls up next to my bike, and rolls down his windows, starking mad. Before he has a chance to speak, I yell, still pedaling, "Dude, I have the right of way. I was going straight."

He counters with something about the fact that he "was stopped". I didn't catch everything he said, and what I caught made no sense at all. What? Because he's stopped, he has the right of way? I clearly had the right of way, going straight on my road. He was coming out of an alleyway, so it wasn't an intersection with rules for who goes first. He clearly did not have the right of way, wanting to turn on to my road. He needs to yield to traffic on the road, and that includes bike traffic traveling in the bike lane.

At this point, we had come to a red light. It was my intersection, so I ignored whatever else argument he was making, made a right turn to continue on my way to work.

The exchange made me so mad. I wanted to exact some kind of vigilante justice. I wanted to beat some sense into the guy: he would never have even thought to pull out in front of a car, and similarly, he has no right to pull out in front of me even if I am "just a bike".

And thus continues the saga of motorists & bikers in a supposedly bike-friendly city.

It's mid-afternoon now, and actually Friday's not turned out so bad. It is still gross out, raining nonstop all day. But a labmate I don't always get along with just went out of her way to tell me about an event happening tonight that I might be interested in. I did already know about it (and was debating going), but her genuineness inspired me to pretend that I didn't know and to show equally genuine appreciation that she would think to pass the information along.

updates galore

1) I got one of those mass update emails that start with "As many of you already know ... ". Well, since everyone was bcc'ed, it could have just been 5 recipients. Or 500. The problem is that I didn't already know. What does that mean? My gut reaction was to feel wholly inadequate. How could I not know? What kind of a friend am I? But then I got annoyed that I got the followup email but was not in the know from the start.

2) A hotel in DC stole my favorite pair of jeans. Broadway and I stayed at a fancy hotel he got off of PriceLine, and we were in a bit of a rush the morning we checked out, and left a shirt of his and my jeans. When we called housekeeping, they had his shirt, but said that they didn't find any jeans. We are both baffled by the situation. Upon explaining it to one of Broadway's roommates, he asked me "What brand of jeans were they?" I said, "Err, I don't know. They just fit me the best out of all of my jeans." Do jeans have to have brands nowadays? Seven jeans cost $100+. I'd be upset if I lost one of those, but I'm more upset that I lost a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly.

3) My new favorite word is now "clusterfuck". Broadway and I saw the new Coens Brothers movie, Burn After Reading. Towards the end, one of the very minor roles says "Wow, what a clusterfuck." The whole movie is a clusterfuck, if ever the word could be used in a positive connotation. It's so random, insane, and completely awesome and entertaining.

4) Our division has around 20 people or so. One of the other women sent out an email wanting to do a "Girl's Night Out." Now I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't particularly like hanging out with all of these people. There are ones I like, but I get the feeling that the people who would go to this Girls Night Out would be the ones I can't stand. Yet, I don't want to seem like a complete non-team-player. And generally, I just don't really like these forced "Girl's Night" social outings. Of the 20, some 12 or 13 are women. Don't we usually do girls night out when we're in the extreme minority and somehow need to spend time together away from the men? Anyway, I told some of the guys in our lab that they should organize a "Boy's Night Out" in protest. But don't tell anyone I gave them the idea.

first time for everything

I'm ususally on the asking end of references. As in, I'm usually the one asking others to write me references. Today, I was on the asked end.

A friend, nay more of an acquaintance, asked me to write him a peer recommendation for his business school application (why would they want a peer recommendation?) While I was very flattered, I am at a bit of a loss regarding this. I don't know him all that well. I want to be able to be honest and spectacular in any recommendation I write him because I like him, and I think he is a nice guy, but I just don't know him all that well.

One question that I am supposed to answer in my recommendation letter is "How is the candidate's impact on your organization different from that of other well-qualified individuals in similar roles?" We are both a part of a regional board for our college's alumni club, the only organization we've ever been in together, but I am still confused.

I am not all that active of a member. I rarely actually attend board meetings where most of the "working together" and discussions take place, and I haven't directly worked with him on any project. So really, not only do I not know him well as a friend, I hardly know him at all as a colleague. Why wouldn't he have asked the club president to write the recommendation? Or asked a co-worker? Or better yet, a friend from one of his college activities?

Another question I am to answer is "Please describe the most constructive feedback you have given the candidate. Please also detail the circumstance that caused you to give the feedback."

I'm not sure I have ever given this guy any feedback, constructively negative or positive, or not constructive at all. Maybe he remembers a specific instance that he considers most telling about his character, and that is why he is asking me to be his reference.

But honestly, I just don't remember anything. And how would I even go about finding out if this is what he has in mind without making it obvious that I don't remember (need I be discreet?)

Perhaps "Is there any particular experience you want me to mention/talk about in your recommendation?"

He mentioned he had several reasons for asking me, but that those are better explained over the phone (he asked me in an email). So he is supposed to call me soon to explain ... I don't even know if I should say yes or no. Would he be offended if I honestly told him I didn't know enough about him to write him the good recommendation that he deserves?

On a (un)related note about myself, I recently applied for job. I know. I am shocked myself. I didn't think I would ever get myself around to applying for another job.

But, I didn't get the job. I just found out this afternoon.

I didn't even make it to the final "short list" of candidates, which I really thought I would. There were three steps (interview rounds) in the process, and I got cut after the second set of interviews. The frustrating part is that I know where I screwed up, and if I had a second chance at the interview, I am 100% sure it would have gone differently and I wouldn't have screwed up so badly.

You see, I screwed up on the first of my three interviews, right at the very beginning. My phone went off right after the interview started ... my face turned so red, and I was completely frazzled for the rest of the interview. My mind drew complete blanks every step of the way. My answers were long rambles, and I had trouble focusing on what the interviewer was saying. It literally felt like I was watching his mouth move yet not hearing any sounds.

I tried to put that behind me and actually had two fantastic interviews afterwards. But I guess they weren't fantastic enough to counter the extremely bad first one (or maybe the last two really weren't that great). I am just frustrated because it's my own damn fault that my phone went off in the middle of the interview, and I feel that I would have made the cut if I could have been "just average" on the first interview instead of "royal screwup".

Oh well. They can't possibly judge on how well I could have done. They can only judge me on how well I did.

But at least I broke the seal of job searches. Maybe I'll apply for a few more. I just have to find listings for jobs that I think I would want.

negative thoughts

The negative thoughts started when Broadway and I were still down in the tropics. Inexplicably, the things he did or said made me angry. Inevitably, he was in a mood to joke, and I was not and felt his jokes were incredibly not funny, inappropriate, and generally old news.

Upon returning, my patience with him has remained thin. Just about every comment he makes in jest has me seriously rolling my eyes. He has a habit of reading signs he sees and pronouncing them in immature ways. It's hard to explain what exactly grates on my nerves about these pronunciations: it's not the immaturity. I think my annoyance stems from his cynicism and inability to appreciate things that others do, and from his self-righteous feeling that he has a right (and need) to contort everything he deems "intellectually inferior" into something that he can then make fun of.

For example, we saw a sign on Saturday for a small, specialized lawyer while stopped at a stop light. Admittedly, the sign was huge, with the guy's name blasted across the entire marquee above the entryway. The guy's last name was Kokoras, and Broadway started laughing hysterically and loudly and very obnoxiously, said "Wow, that guy's name is Cock or Ass".

Again, it wasn't the immaturity that bothered me. It was the tone with which he said it, and that had the name been on a plaque outside a college professor's office, Broadway may not have made the same comment.

I see nothing wrong with a small time lawyer putting out a huge lighted sign to advertise his services. It is a bit tacky, but everyone makes their living their own way. The source of Broadway's immaturity Saturday was his innate disrespect for this type of profession. To him, anything less of a noble academic career at an Ivy League university is a waste of time and a disgrace to society.

To Broadway, jobs in the financial sector (consultants, bankers) are worthless, and these people add no value to society. Not that I am defending bankers in their indulgent lifestyles, but they do support the economy and the stock market. To Broadway, however, the stock market is just one big made up ploy to oppress the common man, and bankers and consultants are made self-important.

This level of cynicism about the world permeates into just about everything Broadway does and says. It's his entire outlook on his life. I've struggled with this mentality of his ever since the beginning of our relationship, and dealing with it better at times than now. My patience particularly breaks down when the target of his cynicism are things that I place value in: southerners (he generalizes all to be conservative, ignorant, and poorly educated), Disney World (it's just the commercial manifestation of white rich people continuing to brainwash their white rich kids), the quiet of surburban America (too restrictive, homogenous, and self-absorbed).

I don't disagree with his points. There are definitely elements of Disney World that we all wish weren't there: we all sorta moan at the melodrama of magic and fantasy and especially wish that it weren't so commercialized. But Disney World was a treat for me as a kid, and I'd want my kids to have that same treat. He has already stauchily put his foot down that no child of his will ever go to Disney World. I'm afraid that he wants his kids raised in some kind of socialist commune.

This last week or so has probably been the worst for me in terms of dealing with his outlooks on life. I am tired of them all, and I am tired of trying to mellow out his cynicsm. I know deep down that trying to change him is a bad starting point for our relationship (any relationship), and that I need to accept him for the person he is. Additionally, mellowing out his cynicism about white, middle-class, suburban America would be, in his mind, turning his back on his value system. He would never give up his value system, and it is not right for me to want him to.

I just wish he weren't so cynical.

When I am good, I see the greatness in his cynicism. I admire how real he is, and how he really does try to look through this pretentious outer layer clouding the world around us to see the things underneath that truly matter: not money, not status, but nobility of heart and intention, and being a truly good person. I appreciate his opening my eyes to some of the pretentiousness that I used to gloss over no questions asked, but at the same time, I envy my old ability to just accept without automatically questioning something's value.

I feel that I have become an even more judgmental person through this relationship with Broadway. In some ways, I've gotten more humble in that the very things of status that I used to admire now hold little weight in my mind (a good thing). However, that's come at a cost of my now jumping to judge others' desire for that status, which I seem to pick out more and more frequently in the people around me.

In a way, I'm now just as bad as Broadway. I now hold my own "humble" virtues as my claim to status, so this whole change in perspective has just invoked the biggest hypocrisy of all. My previous regard for social/financial status has now been supplanted onto my emphasis on"noble persona" status. I judge everyone around me for their minute showings of pretentiousness and desire for financial gain, and I preach my own views of the importance of "nobility of character".

I hate this feeling of being above others in cases like this, and I feel that my rejection of financial and social status is somewhat fake. It is me trying to be someone whom I am not but think I should be. It is good to think that money and small talk and cocktail parties are things that I'm not attracted to, but I don't think I gained this perspective in a healthy way.

This past week, these negative thoughts about myself have surged, and all of them have been funneled into resentment toward Broadway for influencing my thinking over the past year or so. I know that's not necessarily fair, but every time I sense in him the slightest bit of cynicism, my thoughts spiral into all these negative things. As a result, I have absolutely no patience for him.

All of this has been made worse by my seeing a couple of successful relationships this week (friends from the past visiting). I have gotten irrationally jealous of those girls for having snagged the perfect, non-depressed boyfriends/fiances/husbands who have a net optimism about life. I'm also being haunted with "what ifs", specifically with regards to the other guy whom pursued me around this time last year when things started with Broadway ...

smallest of all small worlds

The guy who sits next to me at work is one of those people who constantly feels the need to prove something for fear of appearing inferior otherwise. He treats every social situation as a contest of wit, always needing to one-up the last person's joke or comment with some biting flourish of his own. Rarely is this funny. Mostly it's just awkward.

He is extremely uptight. Last week, he completely lost it when he couldn't find his magnet. Yes, his magnet. He went storming off to our area manager demanding to know why things were moved without his knowledge or approval.

He has extensive in-depth knowledge about the most worthless things in the world, like how many times a baseball spins on average between leaving the pitcher's hand and connecting with the bat. He takes every opportunity to share facts like this with others, namely me and our 4 additional officemates.

He listens to baseball games through headphones when he's working on his computer. A while back, he suggested that our office pick a team to unite on and root for. We can even listen to their games together and cheer them on in the office. I did not mince my words when I said absolutely not.

Broadway and I joke that his penis is so small, it is negative.

Amazingly, Negative Penis is looking for a new job.

Amazingly, he knocked on the door of Broadway's college-roommate-slash-best-friend's firm.

Amazingly, in his eagerness to make everything a contest in which he has the lead, he reveals this fact to Broadway during happy hour last Friday evening after work.

Not so amazingly for Negative Penis, he didn't know Broadway's connection to the firm.

The backstory here is that the firm has gone through a recent split. Three of the six partners, seen as the smarter and more capable half, left to start their own competing firm. They invited a few people along from the old place, including Broadway's college roommate.

From what Broadway and I could piece together, it seemed that Negative Penis had submitted his resume to the old firm sometime not long before this split happened, and had had a phone interview with someone who evidently took a liking to him. This person also went along to the new firm after the split, then alerted Negative Penis of the situation and advised him to resubmit his resume to the new place.

Negative Penis told us the gist of this story during happy hour to show off how much he was liked and pursued by this firm, to the degree that someone would alert him of the politics and invite him to reapply at the new and better place. In not so many words, NP basically said that the job was in the bag.

A quick phone call to college roommate later, Broadway successfully blocked any chance that NP had getting an interview at the new firm.

We basked in the glory and satisfaction of vigilante justice.

beyond shock, beyond shame

I have no idea how to put into words my current degree of shock ...

People in my life, in all of our lives, come and go all the time, but we inevitably make an effort to hold on to the good ones. Most people do anyway. Lately, I have made no effort at all and indeed have probably made negative effort. I had (am still having) a record of blatantly ignoring old friends simply because I don't want to deal with catch-up small-talk.

Facebook delivered a add-friend request to me today, from one of my best friends in high school, but with whom I had kinda lost touch in the last 3-4 years. Last time I saw her, I was sleeping on her couch during Homecoming weekend at my alma mater (she went there for med school after college). Last I talked to her, over email, was sometime after the couch-bumming. She was pestering me because it was less than two weeks to her wedding, I hadn't RSVPed, and her parents needed to know the final numbers.

To be honest, I don't actually even remember if the couch-sleeping and the wedding happened in the same year.

I do remember emailing her back with regrets for the wedding, and that I gritted my teeth and included in the same email some obligatory, but empty-intentioned, "how are things?", "haven't heard from you in a while", "you have to tell me about Mark [fiance]", "talk to you soon."

She didn't write back, and I wrote it all off without much thought. "Oh well, I'm sure I'll call her next time I'm at my alma mater." I didn't...

Fast forward to today's (this year's) shocker: when I sifted through her Facebook profile, looking at pictures of the man she captioned "my hubby", I realized that she, in fact, DID NOT MARRY MARK.

I do not recognize her husband at all. Worst of all, I have absolutely no recollection of this whole relationship transition. She comes from a conservative Indian family, and Mark was a white guy, but I remember her saying that her parents were fine with her marrying Mark. They just wished that he'd go ahead and get going with proposing since he had already been dating her for three years at that time. When she announced that she had gotten engaged, I seem to remember even feeling relief that Mark had proposed and that her parents would finally probably stop fretting and nagging.

Except. She. Didn't. Marry. Mark.

Not only was I a bad friend for not going to her wedding, not only was I a complete bitch to not even RSVP on time, not only was I terrible for not calling/writing to see how she was doing after the wedding (or anytime after, period) ...

Not only all of that ... but I had thought she was married to a completely different guy for the entire past two years (three? I don't remember!). I don't know how to begin to describe the new friendship-low that I just sank to.

How could I have missed this? How could I have not known?? Not even a clue??

I am so ashamed. I am beyond ashamed.

I can't even bring myself to reciprocate her facebook friend request.

I'm really laid-back and easy-going

Being home is high time for filling my daily schedule with brunches and dinners and movies and drinks with people I never see or call except for when I come home during the holidays. The things is, I just haven't felt like it this year, so I've only gotten in touch with one person, well, he got in touch with me. He has some history associated with him, namely being my high school crush for all of 9th and 10th grade. Now he's dating some girl who lives in Taiwan. They met on the internet and call each other every day. But who am I to judge?

Back on point ... we made plans to see a movie together day after Christmas (yesterday). We somewhat settled on No Country for Old Men, but since it wasn't completely finalized, I told him to just pick something playing around 9pm, and that I'd be up for pretty much anything.

So he calls me mid-afternoon, while I'm rummaging through the sales racks at Express:

High School Crush: Hey, how about Aliens and Predator?
Me: wait, are you serious?
HSC: haha, I'm just kidding.
Me: oh okay, because I was gonna veto that one
HSC: haha, I was just kidding. How about National Treasuer?
Me: err ... (silence as I try to figure out a way to get out of this)
HSC: oh wait, did you see the first one?
Me: oh no, I didn't see the first one. yeah, that's probably not a good choice. (phew!)
HSC: What about American Gangster?
Me: hmm ... yeah, I'm not really into that
HSC: okay, I guess that leaves us with No Country for Old Men then.
Me: oh, yeah, that sounds great. wait, are you sure that movie's okay with you?
HSC: yeah, no problem. I'm easy.

See how easygoing and laid-back I am? I'm floored by my own easy-to-please, go-with-the-flow nature.

christmas is for everyone

We had our first snowstorm this past weekend, and there is still plenty of ice and cold-weather hazards on the ground. I have long stopped biking around, preferring to just drive everywhere. Driving down a road last night, I noticed a biker up ahead (thank goodness he had lights). He seemed much taller than a normal biker, and his general shape was off.

When I got closer, I realized that he was not only biking on icy roads in sub-freezing temperatures, but that he had a Christmas tree strapped to him. He biked with his right hand on the right handlebar grip, and his left hand raised over his shoulder gripping the trunk of the tree. The tree hung upside down from his left hand, along his back.

I should have stopped and offered him a ride. I hesitated because I was already well past him when I realized he was transporting a tree. I hesitated because I didn't have room in my car for a bike and a tree. I hesitated because I just didn't have the guts to stop, yet I wasn't entirely sure what I was afraid of. In a way, I didn't want to be THAT person who is trying too hard to be the good samaritan. In all this hesitation, I just kept driving.

I think I will remember, and regret, not stopping to offer him a ride for a long time to come.

i can be nasty, too

One very small group in my company wants to be independent from its supervising division, and has been harassing me about it for the past few weeks. I managed to set up a meeting to discuss this situation between the group and the chair of their supervising division, and volunteered myself and another colleague from my office as mediators. (My office also happens to hold the power to grant them their independence, if we deem it necessary and appropriate)

The meeting is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and will be a 4-5 person informal discussion about whether this group really just needs to work better with its supervising division, or if this group really warrants being independent.

About an hour ago, the group leader emailed me asking if there will be a projector present in the particular conference room where we're meeting because they have a PowerPoint presentation they would like to show. In my three years here, I have never been to an internal meeting like this and used powerpoint (or seen it be used). But whatever, no matter how unusual, fine it's a valid request. We use powerpoints always when we meet with clients.

However, the final comment in his email made me fume:

"There is a very nice conference room with projection capabilities down the hall on my floor, but I cannot reserve it unless our group is independent."

Only division supervisors (and others designated by him/her) have the ability to reserve conference rooms, so what he says is true ... but was it really necessary? It was an intentional, in-my-face comment highlighting another "disadavange" they have just encountered as a non-independent entity. F- that.

Normally, there is a projector I bring along to that room when we meet with clients, but his comment pissed me off so much that I simply wrote back:

"Hi Group Leader,

Since there will only be 4 of us, I think a laptop will be just fine.

-Seine"

Gosh, it bugs me so much that he thinks he can impress us with a powerpoint presentation. There is not a culture of powerpoint at internal meetings in our company, not even if I'm meeting with my most senior supervisor. Everything is informal, and everything is roundtable. He really is shitting his chances by bringing a presentation, especially since I will be present.

You see, he comes from a consulting world. He worked as a consultant briefly before joining our company, one of those top firms who convince you that they're teaching you the "soft" skills ... like the fact that you impress when you show up with a powerpoint.

What he doesn't know is that I know that consulting world up and down. I came from that world, and I left because I couldn't stand the pretentiousness. He has no idea what he will getting himself into tomorrow. Unnecessary presentations won't buy my loyalty. They will only piss me off more and align me biased against them.

I really was planning to show up to the meeting tomorrow completely unbiased, just to talk to him and his supervisor to gather some facts and really evaluate if the group's request for divorcing the parents division is valid valid. But now I'm just pissed, and I actually don't want to help them at all. I want to be immature and fight against them, make it hard for them to become independent.

It's bad because I actually do have that power. This situation was entrusted to me, and I will be writing up the review report. I feel like I already know what I will write, without having ever set foot in that meeting.

friends & awkwardness

My best friend from college called me last night. I deliberately let it go to voice mail, and despite expecting this reaction, I was still shocked at the amount of negativity I felt toward his voice when I finally listened to the message this morning. It wasn't anything he said. It was a typical message: "Haven't talked to you in a while, was wondering how you were doing. I'm busy as usual; law school's really keeping my hands tied. I went to India last month, and I'm dying to tell you about that ..." blah blah blah

It wasn't the message itself ... what bugged me was his sentence intonation. He has a way of raising his voice at the last couple of words or so of a sentence, any sentence, sentence after sentence after sentence. The mere thought of that intonation makes me angry, and I have no idea why.

He and I really were best friends in college, especially the first couple of years. As all cross-gendered friendships go, there were times when the friendship/relationship boundary was not so clear, but we got through it all and each graduated vowing to stay BFFs forever.

And then we just grew apart. We stopped really keeping in touch, and every time we talked on IM or on the phone, I felt more distant from him than the last chat. In the few years since college, he got engaged (they had started dating during college), then got married, then just went on living life. Through all of this, I cared less and less about his world. I ran out of conversational pieces with him, questions to ask him about his life, questions to ask him about their life together, and I didn't so much feel like sharing my life details either.

With each chat or phone call, the conversations got more and more awkward. We don't talk much (maybe a couple of times a year), so in a way, we've still been able to keep up the pretense of BFFs despite the awkward conversations, but really only in name. True BFFs would never run out of things to share, no matter how long they've been physically apart leading separate lives and being out-of-touch.

So I know that I should really call him back. He's definitely making an effort to stay in touch with me. I should reciprocate. But honestly, it's just such a mental block to me right now. I keep finding excuses for why it'd be inconvenient to call him right now, why I should wait until I've done my laundry, and then after my laundry I excuse that it's really too late, I should call him tomorrow ... etc. etc. etc. ...

I have to do it. I have to pick up the phone and just dial. But man, those sentence intonations are all that's running through my head, and they do nothing to help me pick up the phone.

party, party, party

Broadway and his roommates have a gorgeous place, a heaven for party-planners/throwers. They've lived together now for three years, and have had a bit of a reputation for throwing nice parties. When I started dating Broadway, my party-planning inner child almost immediately began scheming for how I could get in on some party-throwing action.

That chance came tonight. It's been a while since their last party, and my birthday is this Sunday, so together we're throwing a party. I would pitch in for th eparty costs and in return, be able to invite my friends.

Proud to show off a beautiful place as if it were my own, I invited everybody under the sun. Except the assholes. The assholes got an excel list of their own and were all deliberately excluded.

One side-effect of inviting everybody under the sun is that it loses some semblance of intimacy, not to mention that everybody under the sun ranges from good good friends to fringe acquaintanes. For example, I also invited Fringe Acquaintance's ex-wife. Fringe has said that he was coming for sure (despite having an early morning flight tomorrow), but who knows about ex-wife? And should I feel guilty for having invited the both of them? (Not purposefully to create awkward situations, but both being fringe friends, they both appeared on the party invite list of "Everybody Under the Sun")

There were some 350 Everybody-Under-the-Sun's, and since it's not a formal enough party to ask for RSVPs, I actually have no idea how many would come. All 350 would clearly be ridiculous: Broadway has a big place, but not THAT big. 50 would be altogether too disappointing. I would think I had better friends than that.

About 30 people have written back to my email invite, with the great majority of them along the lines of "So sorry I won't be able to come! I'm going out of town this weekend!"

Then there were the others who said "Sorry, my other friend's having a party!"

Is your other friend also having a birthday? No, I didn't think so. Strike 1.

Anyways, I'm hoping that of the others who have not written back, most are planning to show up. I tell myself, only half-jokingly, that this will be a good indicator of whom my real friends are :)

confused about the friendship hiearchy

This won't be about men. Instead it's going to be about this girl I work with. We came into our grad program together. We worked together quite a bit on our overlapping classes first year; we randomly got girl brunches every now and then, and I was always on her party list, even when it got dwindled down to just the VIPs.

Except deep down I think we both have major issues with each other. I think I'm one of those girls who can get competitive with other girls on just about anything (school, boys, # of shoes we own, the ideal color/size of post-it notes), you know, trivial catty stuff. BUT, I don't do this unless it's initiated on me first. When I feel like another girl is being unnecessarily competitive with me, I get an extra dose of I-can't-let-go-of-my-pride, and I refuse to back down until I show the other girl just who knows best.

This girl brings out this competitiveness in me because she's ultra-competitive. Beyond competitive, she's sneaky. She would find all kinds of loopholes and borderline-shady resources to make completing her homework easier, and when asked about it, she claims them as her own work and is reluctant to share the knowledge. At some point after I picked this up, I tried to avoid her in general 1) because I had issues with her moral standards, and 2) I didn't want to feel the stress to compete.

It doesn't help that she's blonde, cute, and carries herself quite well, so she attracts a lot of men. And she is one of those girls who will lead a guy on for the attention, even when she otherwise has a boyfriend. So that was another reason I stayed away from her; I didn't feel like rolling my eyes whenever I saw her talking to a boy knowing full well that she has a 1-year boyfriend at home.

Okay, so back to the point. Every year toward the end of March, our department has a retreat with all the faculty and students. Some 150 people go off to a hotel outside the city for 3 days and talk about our work and do some socializing. They put students two to a hotel room, and we can request roommates. The past two years, I stressed about finding a roommate, trying to figure out who I can ask who would not want to ask someone else and who may not already have a roommate. This year, I decided all that was too complicated. I really couldn't care less who I end up rooming with, so I just didn't bother finding a roommate.

So today, this girl came up to me to ask if I had a roommate yet. I said no, and she asked me to be her roommate. I said sure, no problem, and she seemed really happy and ran down the hall to tell the admin organizing the retreat about her new roommate situation.

This got me thinking, how did she ever come to the conclusion to ask me to be her roommate? Going down her hierarchy of people she could room with, I'm about as far down the list as someone can get. How did she exhaust all her previous options to ask me? She's dating someone in the department; I would think he would be her first choice (90% of student couples room together). Then, she has a slew of girlfriends she can ask, one girl in particular who she actually lives with.

So I'm confused about her friendship hierarchy, not to mention how the retreat will actually go with her as my roommate.