loneliness

Over the last year or so, I’ve developed an exceptionally hard exterior shell. It’s sourced from my innate independence and the “I don’t need someone else to help me” mentality that I’ve always had, but also definitely from secret insecurities: an irrational lurking fear that without this hard exterior shell, I will appear vulnerable, and people will take advantage of me.

Some of that may be true, and I see it in friends of mine who try but aren’t as successful as I am in exuding this hard exterior shell. One friend specifically, she gets taken advantage of all the time. Her problem though is different than mine. Her problem is that she tries too hard to be everyone’s friend and ends up with everyone rolling right over her and no assertiveness of her own to fight back.

My problem trends the other direction – I’m too straightforward and assertive. I didn’t used to be like this. I was passive, timid, indirect, but after experiencing how easy things are when I just tell people what I’m thinking and what I want, I have few fears anymore. (Talking to a cute guy while sober is one of the remaining fears).

But I feel I might be alienating people with my directness. We live in a society where people want criticism delivered between flourish, to temper the harshness. I deliver the criticism as is – I’m not mean, but I’m direct, and I get caught up in it. I derive energy from the directness, so the more direct I am, the more direct I get, and the more direct I continue to be until the person finally collapses in a heap in a corner willing me to just stop talking.

When really, I feel so vulnerable. I come home at the end of the day, and I feel so lonely. I want a shoulder to lay on. I want someone to hold my face and tell me everything in the world is okay. I want someone who will wipe my tears away when I talk about how harsh it is out there (ironic since I often deliver the harshness to others). I want someone whom I can touch gently just by holding my arms out, for no reason other than to know that he’s there, that I’m not alone.

I had no respect for HB whom I thought to be the antithesis of analytical. Broadway exemplified analytical and intelligence, but made me sad with his sadness and cynicism. The Doctor was sexually manipulative but too timid out in the world. The Ex was too perfect, too happy, and too optimistic.

I’ve had four bowls of porridge already, and none of them are just right. There’s not even a fifth bowl to try. Where is my perfect bowl?

And when is the problem me? HB was not smart enough. Broadway was too smart that he made me feel inadequate. Broadway was too depressed, but the Ex was too optimistic that I depressed him in the same way Broadway depressed me. There is such a narrow range of “just right” for me that I have to wonder if I’m just really difficult to get along with.

I’m ready for another relationship, because I want that someone who looks up at me from the couch with the happiest most affectionate smile at the end of the day. But I’m scared of the investment. Connection takes time to build – I had 3 years with Broadway, a tumultuous maybe year with HB, 6 months with the Doctor, and 2 years and 7 months with the Ex. I don’t want another 2-year investment that ends in yet another heartbreak.

So I’m back to the beginning. All I want is to have that perfect person so that I can be as vulnerable externally as I feel internally, but I’m afraid of giving up my hard exterior shell because then I will be vulnerable.

weird dreams

Dream #1, two nights ago

I'm lying in bed with my roommate. (My roommate is male, American, white, 5'7"ish, nice average-looking guy) We're being affectionate and snuggling, and he keeps leaning in close to kiss me on the lips. I always turn away so that he gets the cheek. Finally I give in, and we make out. He's a good kisser, but I keep thinking of what to say to Broadway. I also keep pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming this, and am disappointed when I realize that I am fully awake and not dreaming (ironic, since it was a dream after all). I wanted it to be a dream so that I wouldn't have actually done anything to have to confess to Broadway.

Dream #2, last night

I'm back to college at a reunion of sorts with a group of close college buddies, including the Ex and his now wife. Broadway did not come with me. In the afternoon, with everyone else gone somewhere else, the Ex and I start talking to each other, and it's a very frank and intimate conversation about our relationship, where we've been, and where we are now. He said that he and I had a better relationship than he and current wife. This completely surprised me because I assumed our relationship would pale in comparison with his current one, and it made me mad because I couldn't understand why he would marry her after just a couple of years of dating if he doesn't even love her that much.

This confession brings us closer, and we end up snuggling in bed, naked, but in the giant hotel suite that our group all got together. Someone comes back to the suite and catches us laying together naked and I jump out of bed covering myself with a sheet. His wife comes back too and realizes what happened and storms back to their room crying. He and I look at each other, and I ask, "That's bad, huh? Does she know who I am?" And he says that she definitely knows me, and that I've always been a contentious part of their relationship.

He then leaves to go console her, leaving me to wonder what I should say to Broadway.

I don't know what these dreams mean. Am I lonely? Am I horny? Do I just want someone to snuggle in bed with?

Does this mean that I'm still somehow holding out hope for the Ex? I really don't think I am. What does this say about how I feel about Broadway?

In both dreams, I had the same feeling of dread, guilt, disappointment of "wow, I can't believe I did that, what do I tell Broadway now?"

It's definitely in line with my daydreams about being with other men. I love Broadway to no end. He provides me with all the care that I want and need and would do anything for me, but he's not particularly passionate. Or rather, I'm not particularly passionate about him in bed. We have so much emotional connection, but only minimal physical connection. I fantasize a lot but of course never act on the fantasies because I know how much that would ruin Broadway.

I sometimes fantasize about having an open relationship where we're both free to physically explore with other people but come home and have each other at the end of the day. I don't think I will care that much about the girls he explores with, and part of that is because I know he probably won't see that many other women, if any, whereas I would definitely have fun with a bunch of men.

So I don't know what those dreams mean. I am not attracted to my roommate in the least bit, and I definitely think I am completely over the Ex. And I don't want to hurt Broadway anymore.

ahh, facebook

In an interesting twist of fate, the newly updated Facebook privacy settings revealed a bunch of pictures that I was dying to see, but had no way of accessing previously. The Ex got engaged last year around this time, and I got all kinds of upset. Then, I found out over the summer that despite an original plan to have a fall wedding in 2009, they got married in April instead, preceding a move to a far away place.

At the time, I did pause and think, "Huh, so he didn't think to tell me," but didn't give it much more thought than that. More than anything, I just wanted to see pictures of their wedding because 1) I love to go through other people's wedding pictures, and 2) I'am a secret stalker at heart.

The Ex had hidden all of his photos on Facebook, and of course I wasn't friends with his wife, so even though I knew there were photos of their wedding on facebook, I couldn't see any.

Enter Facebook's new privacy settings ... Not only are the Ex's tagged photos now newly visible, but I can also see his wife's wall and photos. I think this is because she and I are friends of friends.

I do feel a little creepy doing this, stalking their wedding pictures, but looking at them made me really really happy. Their wedding was simple, sweet, and very low-key. It made me really happy that the Ex found a girl who is totally real and down-to-earth, not a poofy-white-wedding-dress princess who's had her wedding planned since she was daddy's little girl on a pony at 8. Compared to how I was the years that the Ex and I were together, it's not hard to see why he would be so much happier with New Girl.

And I am totally okay with that. The Ex was not the right person for me. I am actually very down-to-earth at heart, too, but somehow got too caught up in wealth and status and appearances during the later years of college. The Ex only knew he was unhappy with that aspect of me, but didn't know that it wasn't actually representative of me as a person. Instead, he found the right person in New Girl and was immediately drawn to her cheery unpretentious personality.

As for me, I found the right person in Broadway who is able to bring out the best parts of me. He helped me to find the real me, the (relatively) easy-going, happy-go-lucky me who is happy and secure without (many) material possessions. And that is what the right relationship should do. I can't believe that I hadn't yet even realized this a year ago. I probably wouldn't have been as upset over the Ex's engagement.

So, back to the Facebook pictures. I'm not sure how long I'll continue to be able to see both of their photo albums and tagged pictures. Did they already update their privacy settings to include "friends of friends?" Or is the "friend of friend" visibility simply the default, and they haven't changed anything yet?

Of course, I hope the pictures continue to be visible, especially so I can keep up with other pictures of them in the future in far away place. But either way, I'm happy to have gotten a glimpse.

I'm even happier at my reaction to them. I honestly smiled a few times at how happy they looked at their wedding. Yay!

things I thought about today

My parents are getting old, but they still have the same faults that they've always had: my dad's stubbornness and explosive temper, and my mom's nosiness and cluelessness. They raise their voices a lot, but sometimes only for 30 seconds. The moment passes, and they're back to laughing and smiling. Sounds weird for any relationship, but it's worked for them. I just feel lonely watching their lives, but they themselves are the ones who say they really just enjoy interacting with each other and don't care about other friends.

Coming home once a year is actually kind of strange. Nothing here has changed, but I know that I have changed so much. Besides my room and my bed and the things in our house still being in the same place they were when I was little, my parents are still the same. Their thoughts and perspectives are the same as they were when I was little. Yet, I am completely different. It's like my parents live in a time capsule that I open once a year around Christmas time.

Sitting around reading blogs and daydreaming today, I came across Roxy's entry about sugar daddies. It made me curious enough to go browsing around a sugar daddy website myself to see what kinds of men are available in my area. A couple of them actually caught my eye (if their profiles and pictures are to be believed). Would I ever do this? Wow, I don't know. I definitely wish I had the guts to do it (and in a more single state of being that I would be able to do it).

Ultimately, I think I would be too chicken and too afraid that something bad would happen to me. But wow, I'm tempted, and not exactly sure why. What does that say about me? I'm not really sure either. But at 26, I feel I'm a bit too old for sites like that. Aren't they looking for 20 year olds?

I've been holding out on Twitter for a long time. I know everyone is doing it, but I just didn't think it's for me. I don't own a phone with data (and have no plans to get one), so I would never twitter on the go. I'm at my computer most of the day, but do I really need to broadcast what I'm doing constantly? Isn't that why I never update my facebook status? But at home with nothing to do, I signed up for Twitter, just to "try it out." Very nicely, it offered to check my email account for friends who are already members. I was surprised at the list ... even a couple of professors!

So in the end, I gave in to Twitter. I'll give it a shot, but don't hold your breath.

On the relationship front, I've been thinking about Broadway here and there. We had some interested conversations about our future right before I left for the holidays, on a jet plane. We're both graduating sometime in 2009, so the question is "Then what?"

Where do we go? Do we stay in Boston? Do we go somewhere else? To him, the question is how to both find jobs in the same location, if not Boston? To me, I think I'm still a little hung up on the whole "Do we look for jobs in the same location, even if that's Boston?" part.

So I've been thinking about this last part the most. What does it mean that I am still mulling that one over in my head? That I question whether or not it's important for us to be in the same place geographically after graduating?

Am I doing the same thing to Broadway that the Ex did to me three years ago? If I'm not sure about things, I should just lay it out straight for Broadway, right? But I guess I'm not sure if I'm sure about things, which probably was where the Ex found himself then, too. So really, I can't blame him too much. But I'm thinking hard about it ... and I don't think the Ex ever did.

But that honestly is the only thinking that I've done about the Ex and his whole engagement stuff. I couldn't care less anymore. Ever since writing that email, I've just stopped thinking about it all. And now, I am really glad I kept that email as uncomplicated as I did. I know I took the higher road. Ha!

Will write more on Broadway later ... it deserves its own entry. I also got an internship, which was a nice surprise.

the email i didn't think i could write

Hi [The Ex],

I heard from [Mutual Friend] this week that you got engaged! Congratulations!!! I'm really happy for you and [New Girl] and am really glad that you guys found each other and are as happy as you must be.

[Mutual Friend] also mentioned that [Your Brother] got engaged earlier this year, and I laughed at that (in a good way!). It was wonderful to hear about all this good news, and I'm sure they're helping to lift your mom's mood. (Last time we really talked, she was having some hard times ... )

So, do you guys have a wedding date in mind? Is she still in [Midwest City]?

Happy holidays, and I hope you're staying warm! (It snowed tons in Boston today, and it's still snowing)

[Seine]

Once I decided that the email needed only to be congratulatory, it was much easier to start it. Once I got the first sentence down, the rest just flowed. So now the email sits in email land. I don't know what I want him to say. I don't think there is anything he can say that would ever be truly satisfactory to me. So it's lose-lose to him really. His best response is probably to not respond at all. Any response will most likely disappoint me.

No response would mean I can be justified to hate him and despise him forever.

new day, old thoughts

I forgot to eat dinner today, and it's now 11:45pm.

I never forget to eat. I only ever forget when I'm not well, when I'm in a bad state of mind. In a series of very frustrating but unrelated events, I had to revive an old email account this afternoon. With it came a whole set of folders with emails from a different place, different time. One of the folders was labeled with the Ex's name. I found that folder around 4pm. I've now been dysfunctional for close to 8 hours.

The emails span from 11/4/2005 to 12/11/2005, right after the Ex and I broke up on my birthday that year. I guess the same feelings that I feel now, I actually said in those emails. I hadn't remembered. I blamed him then for our breaking up, citing that he was the one who made religion THE issue. We would be okay without the religious thorn, I said then (and I said yesterday). He admitted that the breakup was one-sided, but said that there were lots of other little issues too. Religion was so BIG that it overshadowed the rest, but without religion, all that the other stuff would have probably themselves become breaking points for our relationship.

So in that sense, he did eventually come to tell me that I wasn't the one.

I wrote:

About why we broke up ... i guess i never saw any issue that was so big that we wouldn't be able to work through them, including religion. It goes back to what i was saying before: I see marriage as a reason to work through these differences/problems, whereas you don't think marriage should even be considered before these problems are worked out. just a difference in perspective.

Pretty naive, and honestly, marriage probably shouldn't be considered before these problems are worked out, but I was trying so hard to hold on. I didn't want to believe that the our problems were insurmountable. I wanted to believe that we would, and should, be together.

He replied:

I was thinking about the one-sided break-up versus the mutual break-up, and think you're right that I was the person who saw our problems as too difficult for us to work through (at least right now). And yeah, we definitely disagreed about when it's appropriate to ge married, and I still think marraige shouldn't even be considered before working out fundamental problems.

That just made me sad. That was why we didn't work, because we had what he thought were fundamental problems. These fundamental problems obviously don't exist with his current relationship. It's just as Daisy said--the "He wasn't right for me, either" part is almost irrelevant. I dwell so much more on the fact that I wasn't right for him. I can't see past that.

In another email, he wrote:

The more I look at other people's relationships, and think about our own, I realize that sometimes people just aren't in the same place at the same time. And yeah that's horrible, and it causes a lot of hurt. But that doesn't mean that people can't figure things out, can't change, and can't get back together some day.

I talked to my parents about us breaking up, and they felt bad, and my mom said that she didn't want us to make the same mistake she did, which was getting married too young. And I explained to her that every couple is different, and her being too young doesn't mean we are. And I think it's really strange, and there really seem to be two groups of people on the age issue. Some people think you have to be around thirty years old to get married, and other people just focus on being over twenty-one.

The correct answer is probably just that you're ready to get married when you meet the right person. With him, I felt that I had met the right person, but he didn't feel the same way. With the new girl, it didn't take him long to realize that she was the right person. Three years after these emails about us, he is ready to marry someone he hadn't even met then. His mom doesn't think he's too young anymore now (she used to say no marriage under 30). Or maybe she still thinks the same, but he loves the girl so much that he doesn't care, that he'll fight for her. I never got to experience that love from him. It was all uphill for me.

And what of that part about figuring things out, changing, and getting back together? False hope, all of it. But what can I do? It's never easy to break up with someone when there are no obvious reasons. When the only reason is that s/he just isn't the one, it's always easier to approach the end like maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be final.

So where does that leave me? I think about how I used to feel about the Ex, how sure I was that he was THE ONE. I never believed that stuff until 2-3 months after we started dating, and I just FELT it. He was the one, and that was the feeling I ought to have (maybe I was just young and too naive and too much of a romantic).

But honestly, I think the only reason I am glad he and I didn't work out is the religion. But that's the most heartbreaking part ... without the religion, I would still want to be with him. Even today.

And that made me cry all over again. I haven't cried in a long time about the Ex. There was always something there in the back of my mind, but I guess I always suppressed it. Of course, I had wanted to write it all down here, tell the whole story of how I was wronged and jilted, but it never seemed to be worth the time to rehash everything. To much to explain; too much hassle; too much story.

But knowing that he proposed recently, I guess I couldn't hold it in anymore. Here I am, crying the same cry three years later. I'm listening to the same song on repeat, thinking of the same memories that made that song come full circle three years ago. Just like three years ago, I am unable to stop myself from reminescing. I deliberately run through good times in my mind, places we went together, things we did together, the future we planned together ... knowing full well that it will all just make the tears come harder.

I'm in no shape to face Broadway right now. I don't have room in all of my emotions to make space for him, to see him and to love him and to adore him like he deserves. Yet what do I say to him?

"I really need some time alone because my ex got engaged"?

"These tears and emotions have nothing to do with you and are things I need to work out on my own"?

Broadway won't see it that way, and how can I possibly expect him to? Whatever hurt he would feel would be justified and reasonable. I would feel hurt, too. And really, can I honestly say that these tears have nothing to do with him? Maybe I'm crying because I don't feel it with him.

I can't think about anything else

THE Ex got engaged. I found out today while talking to a mutual friend of ours from college. He proposed a couple of weeks ago.

Just last post, I was talking about how bitter I get thinking about our relationship now. For whatever reason, I've been thinking about things with him a lot lately (some kind of weird premonition that he would get engaged??). As I mentioned last time, I think it was all spawned by the lack of anything from him on my birthday (all I would want is an email).

I can go on and on and on with the list of things during our time together that I now realize were signs that he just wasn't that into me. During the relationship, I made excuse after excuse for him because he made the excuses for himself (I'm busy; we're in school; my brother's not married yet; my mother's going through hard times). Now, I just get pissed off thinking about how he never faced his questions about our relationship because it was easier to not question. I get pissed off that he strung me along, making me believe that we were it for each other.

So how do I feel about him getting engaged? I don't know. If I were to really sit down and unbiasedly think about it now, I know deep down that we would have never worked. The religious differences were too great. It probably was the only problem that really stood between us, but it was too overwhelming of a problem. His now fiance is super Christian religious, so in that sense, I'm happy for him. I'm glad that he found someone who shares his faith. I just hate the fact that the girl he dated right after me was the one he ended up marrying.

So why can't I stop think about the fact that he's now engaged? I don't know. Part of it is for whatever sick reason, I want to know every excruciating detail. How did he propose? I know that whatever he did would have been so incredibly sweet and romantic. What is she like? I've never met her. What kind of ring did he get for her? That's something he always was quite progressive about, for a guy ... He knew that the ring can matter.

So I don't know. Is it the engagement itself that bothers me? I don't think so. I think there is a part of me that is a tiny bit resentful, thinking that it should have been me on the receiving end of that proposal. But in the end, no I don't really want to be the one he's asking. What we had was kind of a lie. Back then, I managed to convince myself I could become religious for him, or at the very least be open to his supreme religiousness. But I know now that was just wishful thinking, and that it would have never worked. It really is a shame that religion ended up being the thing that came between us (but that's coming from me, non-religious). And now, it's way past the point to dwell on all of that.

So, no, the engagement itself doesn't bother me. I am happy that he is happy.

I think it bothers me that he's not comfortable having his then-girlfriend-now-fiance and me as a friend in his life at the same time. The engagement bothers me because I know it is something that we will never be able to talk about.

There was a facebook episode last summer that made me think the girl is not happy seeing him interact with me. Why would that be, I wondered then? Is she insecure in her relationship? Well, now that they're engaged, that shouldn't be an issue anymore, right?

And then I think about how when we were together, he once got so mad because I asked him why a picture of a high school ex was still up on his wall. He said it was none of my business. So it really does piss me off that it is different with this girl, that he would cut me out of his life because somehow that is her business when it was never my business.

It reinforces the fact that he never loved me in that same way. It drives home the point that while he talked about us getting married, he was never serious. It pisses me off that he was so wrong in the way he treated me, in never facing up to his doubts about our relationship, at least never telling me about them and just continuing to lead me on, knowingly or unknowingly.

But all of that is past now that he is engaged. She shouldn't feel insecure in her relationship anymore. So why would he still be uncomfortable with me in his life? We have so many mutual friends from college. He always said that he wanted to be friends after we broke up. He wants to know what is happening to me. He wants updates and to know that I am happy. Yet whenever I reach out to him wanting to hang out, or god forbit to come to my birthday party, he always passive aggressively deflects. Sometimes I call him out on it. Then he just pretends like nothing is out of the ordinary, that what he did was the perfectly normal thing to do.

We are now both in happy relationships, so what is his problem? Why is he still so uncomfortable interacting with me?

I want to be able to call him up to congratulate him and tell him that I'm truly happy for him. I want to meet the girl and laugh with her and talk about her wedding planning (since I secretly aspire to be a wedding planner). But I can't. So maybe I just feel rather left out. He wants to stay updated on my life, yet he doesn't afford me the same thing with his life.

Once upon a time, he told me that he thought a year or so after he started working would be a good time to get engaged. So now here we are. He's been working for a little more than a year, and he's decided to get married. Except, I'm not the girl in that fairy tale.

So there is that, too.

inner monologue

I constantly draft posts in my head, but I never manage to sit down to actually commit them to writing. I think about all these random things throughout the day that are funny or strange or poignant enough to want to share with you all, but I just never get to it. I also have some not-so-nice thoughts that I run through and would love to rant about, but they never make it here either.

I wonder sometimes why I even still have this blog if I never write it in consistently. I think it is more useful for the drafting of posts in my head than for actual posting of posts that started in my head. And then there are times like tonight, that while sitting on the couch, I just feel inexplicably compelled to let stream of consciousness take over and write in my blog.

Let's start with the not-so-nice thoughts first. I think I have a crush, on a younger guy, or maybe he has a crush on me. I'm not sure which it is, but it sure is exciting to semi flirt with him. He is 20, so very very young, but oh so cute, and if I were 20, I would totally hit on him. Now, being 26, I really just want to "show him the way", so to speak. Of course nothing would come of it--I am not serious about anything. It is no more than the feeling of an innocent high school crush. It just feel so good knowing that he looks up to me, respects me, and that he probably sees me as the sexy older woman who could show him the way but is way out of his league. God, that makes me feel so old. But also kinda giddy.

I've also been thinking a lot about my exes recently, for whatever reason. Well, I guess it did have reason. My birthday was about a month ago, and I heard nothing from THE Ex*. That hurt. I send him a birthday wish every year on his birthday. Albeit usually an one-liner, I send it to show that I still remember and that I still care. I guess I always thought that he did, too. This birthday started me on an inner journey of bitterness as I re-evaluated everything from our relationship. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him, but it was all just a lie. Yes, we were young and probably not so aware of our own emotions, but now I know that he really just led me on because he wasn't man enough to tell me I wasn't the one. He was too chicken to end things, so he just let them be. That was a relationship that should have only lasted a year or so, and yet it dragged on for 2.5, only to end so horrifically painfully for both of us. He was/is a good person and always wanted to do good by me, but he couldn't do the best thing for both of us and tell me the truth that he didn't love me.

This brought me to today as I for whatever reason thought back to the perfect guy that I ever dated. It was short, only a couple of months during our third year in college, but I have never felt that good about myself or about anybody else ever. He was the perfect romantic for me, just the right amount and in that naturally goofy lovable way that is so sincere. It really was a shame the way things ended, but we remained friends for a long time and The Ex was always somewhat jealous of the chemistry I obviously continued to have with this guy. Now he is in some exotic African country halfway around the world.

Which I guess finally brings me to Broadway. I never post good things about Broadway. Everything up until now has mostly been complaining and griping and ranting. But honestly, I don't have much to complain about Broadway anymore. Things over the last couple of months have been absolutely amazing. We click; we have fun together; we don't get annoyed (much) with each other. I accept his many oddities of character ticks, just has he probably accepts many of mine. We still have the occasional fight, but we get over them quickly and are back to coo coo-ing at each other. Is he the absolutely perfect guy for me that I have always dreamed of? Definitely not. But he is so very good for me in ways that I never even thought was possible. So, I guess things are going well :)


*He's been on here before as the Engineer I wanted to marry and the giver of the Patagonia jacket.

Patagonia love

Once upon a time, I got a Patagonia waterproof jacket for my birthday (it looked like this, but in blue). It was an expensive jacket that I tried on again and again and admired to no end every time I went into the Patagonia store. I always ultimately put the jacket back on the racks, though, dissuaded by the hefty price tag.

Engineer bought the jacket for me for my birthday three years ago. I loved it and cherished it for more than its magical abilities to be absolutely impermeable to water--the jacket was a nostalgic reminder of Engineer, something that I could hold close to me whenever I missed him. Given that we also broke up on that same birthday (a different story for a different day), the jacket became my most valued possession. I took extra care of it and wore it very rarely.

A couple of months ago, it dawned on me that layered over a thick fleece, the jacket would actually work perfectly for winter. It completely blocks wind, rain/snow, and is extremely light and compact. Enough time had also passed that I no longer cared to keep the jacket hanging in its pristine condition, so I dug it out of my cloeset and started to wear it every day. With the start of outdoor ultimate practices, it also became my rain gear.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered that the jacket leaked in a few places. I was completely devastated, from all fronts: 1) expensive jackets like this should not break after minimal use, 2) I no longer had reliable rain gear and was freezing and wet at practice, and 3) the jacket had now just lost its functionality, which in turn nostalgically reinstated its sentimentality and made me want to cry.

On a whim, I went to the Newbury Street Patagonia store today to browse their current line of waterproof hardshells. I was the only person in the store, and after feeling obligated to ask some questions to the the eager sales rep, I told him about my disappointment with my current Patagonia jacket. It didn't seem right to me that a jacket that expensive would break in so short of a time.

He took me downstairs to a girl more knowledgable about jacket construction, originally because he thought perhaps my jacket could be fixed for a small price. I showed her the places where the waterproof liner membrane had started to peel, and the places where water had seeped through the membrane. She told me that the jacket was becoming delaminated, which is something covered under warranty. After some research, she determined that the jacket cost $249 when it was bought three years ago. Since the style is now discontinued, she said I could then have a $249 credit toward a new jacket.

Wait, did I hear right? $249 off any new jacket? Yup, you heard right. Trade in your old jacket for $249 off a new jacket.

30 minutes later, after trying and retrying multiple jackets, I bought the Grade VI Jacket for ~$75. Wow. I asked the girl what they will now do with my old jacket, and she said they usually donate it to Goodwill or recycle it to make new jackets.

As I walked out of the store, I thought about the priceless aspects of the jacket I had just traded away, with seemingly not much thought. It dawned on me that it wasn't so priceless anymore. Sometimes, I still think about Engineer, but not to miss him and to wish him back into my life like I used to. I now think about him as another character in my past, an important character sure, but nontheless just another character.

As for these jackets that I now know I can trade in and re-trade in, these Patagonia jackets for life will always be there for me when I'm feeling mellow and want to take that minute to reminesce about the good days with the Engineer once upon a time. At all the other times, the jackets are really pretty superior when it comes to keeping me warm and dry.

Burg, Part 1

Burg was this boy I fell hard for, for a long time. I first met Burg when I came up north a few years ago. I started at the end of August, and he was in my same company and had started a couple of years ahead of me. The first time I met him, I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, he's really cute. Too bad I'm getting married to Engineer." Engineer requires a whole back-story of his own, which will come in due time on this blog.

At some point later that year, I got a sense that Burg may be interested in me, but I was so happily attached to the man of my dreams that I felt sorry for Burg that he was liking someone in vain. And of course, I still thought he was extremely cute, athletic, outdoorsy. All in all, a perfect guy for me if I weren't planning to get married. To someone else.

I started liking Burg the next summer. Engineer had decided that I wasn't important enough for him to stay in town for the summer and took a short-stint job down in DC. By this point, I had been up north for about a year, and with very similar interests, Burg and I ended up having quite a few mutual friends within our company and we had plenty of run-ins that summer.

The most memorable run-in was a camping trip we all took together with some mutual friends. There were two cars going, but we got separated on the drive up. I was in Burg's car with two others, and we got to the campsite first. Being that it was really late and that we were all tired, we went ahead and pitched tents to sleep instead of waiting for the other car. There were two tents for 4 people, and the other two people were kinda sorta dating, so that left me and Burg to sleep in a 2-person tent together. For those not tent-trained, a 2-person tent has a base about the size of a full-size bed. Nothing happened, but I think there was a whole lot of unspoken sexual tension and temptation on both of our parts.

My feelings for Burg grew and grew and grew, and while I harp a lot on religion as the breaking factor for Engineer and me, my lack of exclusive interest for Engineer was also a reason. When Engineer and I broke up in October, I happened to be at a meeting the next day with Email Boy. After the meeting, he went with me and a friend of mine to the nearby pub for some beers. There, I spilled the beans that Engineer and I had broken up, definitely well aware of the fact that I was making sure Burg knew I was now single and not attached.

Thus started a series of dates-that-never-were. At the time, I was in a office that was actually down the hall from him. Granted, it was a long hallway, and we were at opposite ends, but you would think being on the same floor would have been a plus in our favor to develop something. To make a long story short, we sent multiple-page emails to each other at least once a day for about a month, and finally saw a movie together. It was a film that he wanted to see, and he originally also invited two mutual friends along. The two friends had the intuition to not come, so the movie ended up being a "date" with just Burg and me.

All in all, after a month plus of sending emails, I got tired. He never made a move, and all of our communication was always on email. He gave me a book as a present; he got me truffles; he scheduled an ice skating thing around my schedule, skipping a day when I was out of town. Basically, he showed interested, but never acted on interest.

This all came crashing down sometime in January when he asked me to have a talk. This was some 1.5 months after all the ridiculous emailing started. When we sat down to talk, he basically said that he never made a move beyond email because he was scared of commitment. He told a mutual friend over the summer (the same summer we slept in the same tent together) that I'm the kind of girl he sees himself marrying. So when I became available, he was scared that I would be the last relationship that he would ever be in, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that.

"Oh, and by the way, I'm seeing another girl."

F-ing A. He strung me along this whole time just to tell he he's now seeing another girl? He kept emphasizing that she wasn't his girlfriend, and that they've only been on a couple of dates ... but that he liked her better because he didn't know anything about her, whereas we were friends, and he would lose a friend if things didn't work out between us. Since he wasn't one to date multiple girls at the same time, he really thought he should talk to me and tell me that things wouldn't ever lead anywhere between us.

Bullshit.

For the longest time, I imagined that he was dating some brunette bombshell (not blonde, somehow I don't think he's into blondes). A few months later, I found out that the girl is Asian, and has quite a slutty personality. Burg and Slut Asian dated and dated and dated more seriously, all while I went through two boyfriends, countless 1st/2nd dates, all of which flopped. Not to mention that when he started dating Slut Asian, he was 26/27, and she wasn't even allowed to drink legally.

I'm not bitter.

*sigh*

Reading back on that last entry, I really sounded like a big immature brat. In the end, it's not a big deal whether or not his pictures are actually tagged, but it still rubs me the wrong way how passive aggressive Key is being on this whole issue.

Anyway, enough about Key. I'll update soon on GB. There's even some news about Willow.

giving me the run-around

I was down in DC a couple of weekends ago for a college friend's wedding. Before I went, I sent an email to some buddies from college still in that area asking if they would be free to grab brunch either day of the weekend. I debated back and forth whether or not to include Key, and really the debate came down to whether or not I wanted to make the first contact with him since he gave me the run-around about dinner back in February/March.

In the end, since I was including both of his roommates, I didn't want it to seem like I was purposefully excluding him, so I included him on the email. Everyone replied back (to all) that they were available, yet Key wrote nothing.

So down to DC I went. He & his roommates happened to be having a housewarming party Saturday night, and his roommate invited me to come along. The next morning, all of us (Key included) went to get brunch as well. Everything seemed great. He gave me a really tight hug when he first saw me; there was no awkwardness; he even came to pick me up the next morning to drive me to the brunch location.

I took some pictures, and upon getting back to Boston, I uploaded them to Facebook. Facebook allows you to tag people in your pictures, to name them and such, so I tagged everyone who was at brunch in the picture. A day later, I noticed that Key had removed his tag, which was rather strange. You only untag a picture when you don't like the picture, and I thought it was a good picture of everybody.

So I emailed him asking why he untagged the picture. He claimed that people were making fun of his "man-boobs" (barely noticeable) in the picture, so he untagged himself. I said I thought it was a fine picture, and I tagged him again.

I just checked Facebook again and noticed that not only did he untag himself again, he no longer any tagged pictures. Strange? I think this is strange.

I think he's giving me the run-around again. Maybe he's still "uncomfortable" with whatever, and he didn't want a picture that had him and me in it. Maybe his current girlfriend would throw a hissy fit if she saw the picture. I'm insistent on continuing to tag him because I want a straight answer from him. I don't want the run-around excuse of an email saying that he doesn't like the picture. Maybe I'm being particularly insolent. Whatever, I don't care. I feel like I deserve to know the truth.

Crying about Key

You know, I really thought I was over that shit, done, no more. Key tells me he's uncomfortable talking to me, but he does want me to be happy. I'm curious as to why he's uncomfortable, but not curious enough to write him back. Now it's been some two or three months later, and I still haven't wrote him back, nor talked to him at all. I really thought I was done.

But here I go again crying about him. Sunday, he graduated law school. Not a peep from him, not even a "hey, I graduated, here's my new information". Nothing. Maybe I'm expecting too much; maybe it's still too early to send out new contact information emails. I just keep envisioning/daydreaming situations in which he and I will meet again (maybe a mutual friend visiting town), and he will see how fabulous I look and how incredibly stable I am and just how fun and happy I am, all without him in my life. Then I cry at the irony of my wanting him to see my stability without him, right after I cried about him graduating law school. Yes, I am incredibly stable right now.

It doesn't help that GB's been sick with this mysterious disease that no one can diagnose, and whose only symptoms are a low fever and a massive headache. He's been like this since last Wednesday. At first I was supportive and there for him and fed him soup and told him "awww baby, I just want you to get better." But after a whole five days of that with no inkling of him getting better, I started to get annoyed. Partially because GB was getting whinier by the minute, partially because it was just a crappy rainy weekend and Key was graduating on Sunday.

The whole being against social conventions thing is starting to grate on my nerves too. At one point, GB said that he'd take me to a nice restaurant if I get x, y, and z done this week. Already annoyed, I asked him what he meant by a nice restaurant, and that started a whole argument (he called it a discussion) about our differences and how I like fancy restaurants, but his definition of nice is somewhere that's not the local Chili's.

This didn't help the crying over Key, because Key was always so good about wanting to get all dressed up and taking me out some place nice. Sure, he always did it for my birthday, or Valentine's Day, or an anniversary, but sometimes he'd just do it for fun. GB would never do that, not even for special occasions like my birthday. He told me that I should go do things I like with my friends, like go with them to fancy restaurants if that's what I really want to do. But come on, nice restaurants are meant to be shared with that special someone :(

i think this is how easy it's supposed to be

My recreational ultimate team has our league tournament coming up this weekend. It's always an all-day affair. I mentioned it to GB last night (Gchat Boy, or Great Britain, depending on your fancy), and half-jokingly asked in a cutesy way, "Do you wanna come be a spectator at my tournament?"

To my surprise, he very automatically said "Yeah, definitely, I'll come to your tournament." I then tried to deter him with all kinds of potential hurdles: "well, it's all day", "well, it's not in the city", "well, you have to drive a ways out there".

Still with no hesitation, no wishy-washyness, he rejected all my hurdles. So easy. He just wants to come out and support me in something that I love to do.

This reminds me of two years ago when I did my first triathlon. I asked Key if he would come cheer on me and my relay team. His first reaction was "Why? What am I going to do there? I'm just going to stand there on the side of the street looking like an idiot waiting for the one split second your teammates run by."

I think GB's reaction is the way that it should be. I shouldn't be fighting to get the support of someone who claims to love me.

lameness

WestSideIM: u ever do taht stuff for ur ex's?
Me_IM: bake for them?
WestSideIM: yeah, or anything "LAME"
Me_IM: i made cookies for Key
Me_IM: a lot
WestSideIM: ew, ur so lame
Me_IM: and i even made cookies for him to bring to school for his study buddies to eat too
WestSideIM: WAAT
WestSideIM: LAME
WestSideIM: wifey lame
WestSideIM (5:23:06 PM): hahahaha, i'm jk... good job
Me_IM: i made so much stuff for Key, that i've never done since
Me_IM: i made him cheesecake
Me_IM: i make him carrot cake
Me_IM: carrot cake from SCRATCH
WestSideIM: whoa
Me_IM: as in i grated my own carrots & mixed it with flour
WestSideIM: how come u never made that stuff for me???
WestSideIM: i love carrot cake!!!
WestSideIM: u betty crocker you
WestSideIM: damn
Me_IM: same for pumpkin pie
Me_IM: as in i bought a pumpkin, cut it up, and made mush from it
WestSideIM: omg, talk about craziness
Me_IM: yeah
Me_IM: and where did that get me?
Me_IM: NOWHERE
WestSideIM: :-(
Me_IM: i hate Key
WestSideIM: i hate Key too
WestSideIM: dont be that lame again
Me_IM: hahaha
WestSideIM: HAHAH

NOW, they respond

Key wrote me back this weekend. He said my reaction was justified, and that he should have just told me the truth instead of giving me the email runaround. The truth is that while he really likes emailing and updating each other, and in the end, he just wants me to be really happy. While he likes all of that, he's just not as comfortable as I am about getting together for dinner or whatnot. He acknowledged the effort that I've made in the last year and a half to keep in touch and to stay friends, but he admitted that it just hasn't been as easy for him to do those things.

So I'm not sure how to respond to that. I want to ask him why he's uncomfortable. Is it because at one point last summer I told him I still loved him? (I don't anymore). Or maybe because his new girlfriend doesn't want him to have anything to do with me? (I hope not; she doesn't seem like the uber-jealous type) I'm not sure if I should ask him, or if I should just let things go.

The other responder is Econ Guy from last night. He called tonight and left a message:

"Hi mini, this is Econ Guy. I'm probably breaking some kind of rule for calling you so early, but uh ... It was great to meet you last night, and if you get a chance and want to, give me a call back at xxx-xxx-xxxx"

I guess he did break some kind of rule, but I probably wouldn't have noticed had he not mentioned it. Now I'm over-analyzing it. Why did he point that out? And why DID he call so early? I didn't expect something until Tuesday or Wednesday. Can I interpret this as him being uber-interested?

So anyways, I called him back when I got his message (I was in a meeting when he called originally). We talked for some 40 minutes, about all kinds of things: why he decided to work before going back to school, our undergrad experiences, why econ consulting is different from management consulting. I did note that as soon as I told him I once interned for one of the three Big Name Consulting Firms, he instantly became very interested and started asking me all kinds of questions about it.

My general experience regarding mentioning that internship has been that upon hearing about it, people I've not known for long (say just met at a cocktail party) instantaneously develop a better impression of me, or become more interested, or cock their necks and nod their heads and generally look impressed. I have to admit that I do take advantage of that and drop the internship at key, opportune times ... but I feel shady doing it. And I feel even shadier that the name drop actually works, especially in certain circles ...

In the case of Econ Guy, I wasn't name-dropping. It came up naturally in conversation because he asked me if I had done internships during undergrad because I mentioned going straight from undergrad to grad, and he wondered why I decided against working first. Nevertheless, even the natural mention in the conversation sent our conversation down an unnatural bend with his piqued interest.

Or maybe I'm just overly sensitive to the issue.

reply to Key

I figured that I'd slept on his email enough; my feelings weren't really any different, so I wrote Key back. I started out by saying that it took me a while to reply because I wasn't quite sure what to say, and that I really still don't know what to say, so I thought I'd just spell out for him some of the stuff that ran through my head when I got his original email.

Basically, I told him how I gave him dates when he asked about dinner, how non-ideal those dates were for me but how I did it anyway because I thought it was important, how disappointed I was when he didn't reply for three weeks, and how hurt I was when he finally did write back, only to say he wouldn't be free for dinner until a month later.

In the last paragraph, I think I told him that I didn't really want him in my life anymore. Not in such explicit terms, and I wasn't really even sure that's what I wanted to intend when I wrote it, but write it I did:

"So I don't know, Key ... I've been sleeping on this for almost a week now. I'm glad I didn't follow my gut and send you a nasty email back because that I don't think that would have been entirely productive. At the same time, I haven't really felt any less hurt. I really don't know how to directly respond to your email of getting dinner after your spring break. I feel like I'm kinda done trying to reach out to you time after time, but not before I let you know why."

... and there's no taking back emails.

When I told West Side, she asked what I thought Key would do, would he call me now to talk about it. I told her that I highly doubt he would call me, that at most he would email me back. I don't even know what he would send back in an email. I don't think I left much room there for a response. So without consciously intending for it to be, this was an email telling Key that I'm done with him in my life, not because I don't want him in it, but because the way that he is in it is unhelpful to me. I am done with getting my hopes up for him, only to be hurt again and again and again.

and who's taking care of me?

I know I'm really busy when I don't even remember to visit blogs I generally check at least once a day. I realized today that I haven't really read anyone's blog for a few days, let alone write in my own. There were several times in the past few days when I thought about writing something, with the same title as this entry, but in the end, I just didn't feel like enumerating everything.

Basically, this past week has been one big dump of flakeyness from the sky, from friends, from colleagues, from acquaintances, from everyone around me. I felt like I was going out of my way to accommodate people, but not only were my extra efforts unacknowledged, people were taking advantage of me my generosity. I'm not usually one to complain and whine (in person, not in blog-form), so even when I do go out of my way for someone, I don't really make a big deal of it. Mostly, people don't really even know my thought process, and the sacrifice (though mostly trivial) I decided to make on their behalf. But when everything backfires and nothing gets appreciated, I can only take so much.

Key's email was the first major let-down, and while one can argue how I probably was more emotionally invested in that than I would have been with any other friend, it was a huge disappointment nonetheless, and objectively speaking, I think what he did was pretty insensitive and rude.

Additionally, there is a colleague I have been helping for most of this past month on one of her major projects for the year. The big deadline was this past Saturday, and essentially, she has been making unreasonable demands on me all week leading up to the deadline. My normal working relationship with her is that she heads up a committee, and I oversee her committee, along with a few others. About a month ago, she asked me to be one of 4 others (herself included) who would form the core of organizing her big committee project of the year. Since I knew the other committees would be pretty quiet this time of year, I agreed to help her because I thought that was one way I could offer her as much support as possible.

She and I then agreed on what all sub-tasks I would be in charge with. On average, I think most people would see me as being above-competent in the tasks I complete, but she is a micro-manager at heart. She called me repeatedly to check in, including several calls when I traveled to DC and got stuck because of multiple flight cancellations due to the storm in the northeast, even after I told her I was stuck in DC and couldn't do anything. The phone calls were more annoyances than anything else, but she really got crazy in the few days right before the big deadline.

To make a long story short, as organized as she tried to be, she couldn't anticipate all the problems that did come up. I dealt with, and provided solutions, to all of them as best as I could, especially given the circumstances. 99 people out of 100 would have said "Wow, thanks so much for taking care of that for me. That wasn't exactly how I envisioned it, but it will work just great, and really is the best we can do at this point." Her, on the other hand, was completely dissatisfied and requested that I redo things including start over on something three hours before the deadline on Saturday. I'm as much of a perfectionist as the next person over, but I also know when to let up and agree that while something is not perfect, it is more than good enough.

In the end, none of my help really got acknowledged. My going out of my way for her project not only landed me no thanks but angered me and stressed me out.

So again, who's helping me?

The other big example from this past week is a good, old friend and RC both letting me down. Both had said that they would go snowboarding with me this past Sunday. I had to go because I signed up to lead a bus trip, incidentally as a favor to another friend who was really in a bind because he hadn't gotten enough volunteers (again, me going out of my way for people around me). I mentioned this to RC when I first signed up as a bus leader. Since it's to a mountain we both have season passes for, and he has his own equipment, it wouldn't cost him anything extra because the bus transportation is about equivalent to his share of a tank of gas if we drove ourselves. The bus is actually better because we can both sleep on the bus instead of having to drive.

He agreed right away to going on the bus trip with me.

I reminded RC of this toward the end of last week, mentioning that the sign-ups would be Monday through Wednesday, but that the buses usually fill up fairly quickly. He again confirmed that he would be sure to sign up on Monday. I also mentioned the bus trip to Old Friend, who canceled on a personal trip I organized a couple of weeks back for a few friends. I might add that she decided not to come on that trip when I called her to confirm the night before.

Come Monday, Old Friend signed up for the bus trip, but not RC. Tuesday, with only 6 spots left on the bus, I called RC to say he should sign up asap. He told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to go anymore and asked if Old Friend had signed up (I mentioned to RC that Old Friend had indicated interest). When I told him yes, he used that to justify his decision to no longer go. When I expressed disappointment, he thought I was unreasonable, and I told him I thought I was only holding him to what he said he would do. Regardless, it became a futile discussion because the 6 remaining spots were quickly gone.

Now Old Friend is rather notorious for not being all that reliable with her word, and West Side knows this. In fact, when I told West Side that Old Friend and I were going snowboarding, she warned me that Old Friend may drop out. I told West Side that I thought it was unlikely because Old Friend had already signed up and paid for bus+lift+rental, and she would lose all that money by canceling because the trip does not offer discounts. West Side actually told me to not be so sure.

Again, to make a long story short, Old Friend backed out of the trip, AND got away with it in terms of the money because she sold her spot to someone on the waitlist wanting to go but who couldn't sign up in time. This left me extremely upset, feeling furthered wronged by the fact that I had been completely willing, without a word, to spend a whole day on the bunny slopes with Old Friend to teach her snowboarding because this would have been her first time. I am very skittish about going down a mountain without a buddy, mainly because I got into a very major accident last season that left me not unable to walk for a couple of months. I want someone there with me should something major ever come up, and of course be there for the other person. Now, both RC and Old Friend backed out on me, and I was stuck going by myself. I couldn't back out at the last minute because I was leading the bus trip.

Three big examples, all within the same week, not to mention several small relatively trivial things I would have otherwise shrugged off (canceled dinner plans because of last minute scheduling conflict, changed meeting agenda that cut out my less-important item, pizza party with no food left when I arrived a mere 15 minutes after the event started, etc. etc)....

I just feel really really exhausted. Seriously, who is looking out for me?

what do I write back?

Key finally replied back to my email, the one letting him know dates I was available for dinner because he asked to get dinner together to catch up. The dates I gave him? February 7, 8, 9. And the date when I sent my email? January 30. Yeah ......

I guess from now on, I will assume his response time is on the order of 3-4 weeks.

I had actually already accepted his flakiness and was prepared to not ever hear from him again, but his email not only reminded me that just when I try to shovel him out of my life, he appears again, but also his actual response really pissed me off. He went on a while about his mom, school, snowboarding, and toward the end wrote this about getting dinner together:

I just re-read your email, and I realized that you had asked about getting dinner. I'm sorry that I didn't write back sooner -- because that deserves a response. Dinner sounds really good, actually, but right now school is really busy because of [some activity]. But maybe we can plan on something right after spring break (mid-March)?

The first part sounds pretty good; at least he's sorry (but must I always forgive him every single time he pushes me to the way-side?). The second part is just absolutely ridiculous. 80% of me wants to write back an angry email and just completely tell him off. The other 20%, the rational 20%, sits back and ponders just what exactly that would accomplish because that may in turn piss him off, and then I really wouldn't ever hear from him again. Part of what I want to do is to let him know just how much he's hurt me, how I feel, but telling him that in the past has never really ever changed things. His response has always been, "But I'm a flaky person, you know that. Don't take it personally."

What kind of a response is that?

So here's why I'm pissed with the second part: who plans dinner with someone, who lives within a couple of miles from each other, a month in advance? Furthermore, I'm more pissed because when I sent my email on the 30th, I had thought about telling him I wasn't free until after my humongous presentation. I didn't do it because I thought it was ridiculous to schedule dinner with a friend 2-3 weeks in advance.

Because I thought it was important for me to catch up with him and get dinner together, I made my sacrifices and gave him dates I was free the week after Jan 30, which essentially was the week right before my presentation-from-hell. I didn't complain; I didn't even tell him I had the presentation coming up. I just nonchalantly told him some dates I was free for dinner.

Now he tells me that he wants to schedule for something after his spring break mid-March? What kind of bullshit is that? Am I over-reacting?

Maybe the issue is that this really is only important for me, and that's why I'm making the sacrifice. But it's not important for him, so he pushes me to after mid-March. So I should just wake up, deal with it, and move on. That seems to be the trend a lot lately: me making sacrifices for others, and nobody caring about me.

So now I don't know how to respond. I know I don't want to sit back and pretend that I'm not upset, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to flat out tell him off either. So it's got to be somewhere in between where I get my point across. But just how upset should I be? I'm not sure. Do I guilt trip him? I want to, but again, what purpose does that accomplish? I'm the one with everything to lose here because I would care more than he would if we no longer talked to each other. And I can't very well blame him for being a flake if I myself take too many days thinking about how to respond that I don't actually respond.

Suggestions welcome.

key, flaky as always

I have a big presentation coming up in about a week (on Valentine's day, no less) and thus have been scrambling like mad to get data collected, analyzed, and into some kind of coherent form. It's interesting to note that when one thing picks up and becomes incredibly busy, others things around me seem to do the same. More interestingly, when I become focused on being productive and efficient at one thing, say research, I get more of other things done, too. It's like the energy of productivity carries over into all aspects of my life, and I become less flaky of a person for a short period of time.

Speaking of flaky, Key is flaky, and I am sick and tired of interactions with him. A day or two after the new year, I sent him an email to say hey and to talk a little bit about my trip to China last October. He had asked me about it a while ago, but I never really mentioned anything, so while sending him a "happy new year" email, I elaborated a bit on that trip.

It took him three weeks to reply. He wrote back last week, and mentioned some things about his mom, his brother, stuff that I had asked questions about in my email to him. I also said that if he's not too busy, I'd like to at least see him once or twice this semester since he's graduating in May and probably leaving Boston. In his response, he mentioned that he had accepted a job offer in DC starting this summer, so yeah dinner sometime would be great -- to really catch up.

After reading that email, I felt really good, really warm and fuzzy inside. I suggested getting together and had nothing more than a coffee or something in mind, but was ecstatic that he would mention our getting dinner some time. I wrote back a day or two later telling him days that I would be free this week for dinner ... and never heard from him again.

This got me thinking about how I was always the one to continually reach out to him. He wouldn't reply for three weeks, and not only do I not get upset, I write him back so enthusiastically and bend over backwards to make time to go to dinner with him (work is so chaotic right now that dinner would really be out of the way for me). But in general, I don't complain because I don't mind, and I regard him high enough to WANT to spend time with him, even if it is a bit inconvenient for me.

However, when he doesn't even think it important enough to warrant a reply (and this is SO typical of him), I have to ask myself what's really even worth it? I'm tired of dealing with this. I don't have to see him; I don't have to care about him. I want to not reply when he emails me back to let me know of his availability ... it's just not worth it anymore. I'm done trying to reach out to him, only to have completely not care and flake out.