loneliness

Over the last year or so, I’ve developed an exceptionally hard exterior shell. It’s sourced from my innate independence and the “I don’t need someone else to help me” mentality that I’ve always had, but also definitely from secret insecurities: an irrational lurking fear that without this hard exterior shell, I will appear vulnerable, and people will take advantage of me.

Some of that may be true, and I see it in friends of mine who try but aren’t as successful as I am in exuding this hard exterior shell. One friend specifically, she gets taken advantage of all the time. Her problem though is different than mine. Her problem is that she tries too hard to be everyone’s friend and ends up with everyone rolling right over her and no assertiveness of her own to fight back.

My problem trends the other direction – I’m too straightforward and assertive. I didn’t used to be like this. I was passive, timid, indirect, but after experiencing how easy things are when I just tell people what I’m thinking and what I want, I have few fears anymore. (Talking to a cute guy while sober is one of the remaining fears).

But I feel I might be alienating people with my directness. We live in a society where people want criticism delivered between flourish, to temper the harshness. I deliver the criticism as is – I’m not mean, but I’m direct, and I get caught up in it. I derive energy from the directness, so the more direct I am, the more direct I get, and the more direct I continue to be until the person finally collapses in a heap in a corner willing me to just stop talking.

When really, I feel so vulnerable. I come home at the end of the day, and I feel so lonely. I want a shoulder to lay on. I want someone to hold my face and tell me everything in the world is okay. I want someone who will wipe my tears away when I talk about how harsh it is out there (ironic since I often deliver the harshness to others). I want someone whom I can touch gently just by holding my arms out, for no reason other than to know that he’s there, that I’m not alone.

I had no respect for HB whom I thought to be the antithesis of analytical. Broadway exemplified analytical and intelligence, but made me sad with his sadness and cynicism. The Doctor was sexually manipulative but too timid out in the world. The Ex was too perfect, too happy, and too optimistic.

I’ve had four bowls of porridge already, and none of them are just right. There’s not even a fifth bowl to try. Where is my perfect bowl?

And when is the problem me? HB was not smart enough. Broadway was too smart that he made me feel inadequate. Broadway was too depressed, but the Ex was too optimistic that I depressed him in the same way Broadway depressed me. There is such a narrow range of “just right” for me that I have to wonder if I’m just really difficult to get along with.

I’m ready for another relationship, because I want that someone who looks up at me from the couch with the happiest most affectionate smile at the end of the day. But I’m scared of the investment. Connection takes time to build – I had 3 years with Broadway, a tumultuous maybe year with HB, 6 months with the Doctor, and 2 years and 7 months with the Ex. I don’t want another 2-year investment that ends in yet another heartbreak.

So I’m back to the beginning. All I want is to have that perfect person so that I can be as vulnerable externally as I feel internally, but I’m afraid of giving up my hard exterior shell because then I will be vulnerable.

really mature

The Doctor who I avoid at all costs de-friended me on Facebook. WTF? I want to say it's no big deal, and it isn't a big deal, but I'm kinda offended. I wouldn't defriend him, and I'm more upset than anything that I can't facebook stalk him anymore (that's how mature I am, I know).

I was supposed to go to this Halloween party on Saturday (and Broadway was planning to come with me), but by the time I got home from lab around 11:30pm, I just wanted to veg out on the couch. I felt kinda bad because I told my friend (party host) that I would go, but I knew he would understand.

Many other friends went to the party, and one in particular posted some facebook pictures from her camera, and one is of her and the Doctor. Then I was glad that I didn't go to the party, especially with Broadway in tow. I can't imagine that being a good situation for anyone given all the history.

Then I was curious as to what the Doctor has been up to recently and went to his facebook page. Imagine my surprise when it showed that we were no longer friends. I had actually just looked at some recent pictures of his maybe a couple of months ago, so I know his defriending me is relatively recent. In that time period, I also changed my relationship status to being engaged. I wonder if that had anything to do with his defriending me.

That relationship was indeed rather fucked up, and I'm sure he feels as strongly as I do about not wanting to talk to or see the other person. But the defriending feels to me like a bit of a "fuck you," and I'm offended.

It is what it is. Whatever.

heavy heavy conscience

Our long-weekend, short ski vacation was awesome, though I started getting sick Saturday night. We still went out for a few hours on Sunday, which probably was bad decision-making on my part.

Maybe it's the cold, maybe it's the contrast between work and vacation, maybe it's that things with Broadway have been so smooth lately, whatever the cause, every since getting back, I have been agonizing over something I haven't thought about seriously in a while.

This is really hard for me to admit. A while back, I did admit it. I wrote about it in anonymous bloggerland, but then deleted the entry after a couple of months because even the anonymous association was too hard for me to accept.

The quick story is that once upon a time, I cheated on Broadway.

I mentioned loathing the Doctor ever since June. Well, last June was when he and I slept together during a conference we both went to, two months after I had started dating Broadway. Doctor was also dating someone new at the time.

Broadway and I started dating in late March, and by early June, I was already at an extreme low with our relationship. In May, Broadway contracted a mysterious illness, basically a flu that never went away. He moaned and sniffed and downed Motrin and dragged his feet and stayed depressed while in bed day after day after day. At first I was helpful and sympathetic, but after some three weeks of this, I was pretty tired of everything. I desperately wanted out, yet couldn't bring myself to leave Broadway while he was still sick.

Enter the Doctor at the conference. He pushed. And pushed and pushed. He held my hand. He touched my leg under the table during dinner. He put his arm around me. He hugged me. He'd touch me at the small of my back ... and the kissing. At first, he kissed me on my forehead, but he was always pushing for more.

I was to blame also, of course. I didn't push him away or even really discourage him. I vowed that I wouldn't kiss him, so I never returned his kisses and wouldn't let him kiss me on the mouth, but I never stopped him from touching me.

Everything he did, he did the way an affectionate boyfriend would do, something Broadway hadn't done in a while

The Doctor and I had a very sexual relationship, and I definitely thought back to that during the conference. I even thought back to that before the conference, during the low times I had with Broadway. All of the temptations and tensions were there at that conference.

And then the Doctor asked me on the second night of the conference if I would sleep with him in his bed.

"We won't do anything," he said, "but I just want to hold you one last time." I stupidly agreed ... and what happened, happened.

Afterwards, he asked me whether or not I would tell Broadway. I asked him if he planned on telling his new girl. He said no because he saw nothing long-term with her, so why bring her that pain?

He asked me if I saw a future with Broadway. I said no, which was honest. He then told me that because I saw no future with Broadway, I didn't have to tell him. The Doctor said that he was absolutely okay with everything that happened because he knew for sure that he loves me more than the new girl. I said I was not okay with everything and ran out of the room.

I never told Broadway after getting back. He also got over his illness shortly after that. We went along with our relationship, and the whole episode with the Doctor faded.

It bothered me that I never seemed to feel the level of emotional guilt that I logically knew I should have felt. It bothered me that I would feel okay enough to not even think that much about it.

Until now.

With all of our relationship ups and downs, this whole month of January has been superb for Broadway and me. I am really starting to understand him and love him for the very things that annoyed me before, the things that made me doubt my future with him.

Which brings me back to the question that Doctor asked me. Do I see Broadway in my future? And now I do.

Because of that, he deserves to know what I did. He deserves to have the choice of being with me given all of the information. He deserves my being honest with him.

I know that I need to tell him, but I don't know how. I don't know how to explain why I waited so long before saying anything. I don't know how to ask him to forgive me. I don't know if I can forgive myself. I am mad at the Doctor for being as pushy as he was. I am mad at myself for having given in so easily to temptation.

I am most afraid that Broadway will never be able to forgive me. But I know that is more reason that I must tell him. I did what I did, and I screwed up our relationship last June. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I buried this forever.

This is all that I can think about for the last couple of days. I need to tell Broadway. I just don't know how. I know he will leave me, and I need him.

i kinda want my stuff back

Doctor and I broke up in January, but we dragged the breakup much longer than that, and really only quit sleeping over with each other when I drunkenly (irresponsibly) hooked up with Broadway in March. One of the tricks I did to make sure I would keep seeing Doctor during all this pseudo-breakup period--yes, I know, such typical girl madness--was to hold on to some of his stuff. I reasoned that I could always use needing to return his stuff as an excuse to ask to see him (over).

I had forgotten about most of his stuff until I did some major reshuffling to pack away my summer stuff and bring out all of my winter clothes. I discovered quite a few things of his: gloves, scarf, sweat pants, LEATHER JACKET, and some other random things. They're not things that you would just leave at an ex's and chalk it up as the casualties of an ex-relationship. Digging up his stuff also also reminded me that some favorite tshirts of mine are still at his place.

So I've been mulling since mid-November about reaching out to him, calling him, emailing him, something-ing him to offer a 9-months-later stuff swap. It's only logical, right? Except, I can't seem to do it. I just don't want to talk to him, and I want to see him even less.

The mere thought of him makes me gag. Ever since June, I have loathed him. Especially now that things are going quite well (well, stably) with Broadway, the tiniest memory of Doctor completely disgusts me.

But I love those tshirts of mine, and his thick leather jacket is taking up some seriously valuable real estate in my closet. The swap meeting doesn't have to take long ... a two-hand exchange, right? Two seconds, right? I just need to dial his number, right?

Except, I just can't do it.

here we go again ...

Friday night RC and I decided that we ought to break up, for real this time. I should also mention that this is about the third time we have had this conversation, or something similar. After that initial breakup, we never officially ever got back together, but we've decided to break up twice more. Okay, it sounds stupid, I know, but it is what it is.

So Friday night was the matter-of-fact breakup, after having exhausted the angry breakup and the cordial breakup and the I-can't-go-on-like-this breakup. We sat down (I brought up the subject) and just basically decided that we can't really make it as a couple in the long run, so let's just be friends. Neither one of us really saw long-term potential, so we decided that it would be best to end it. It was like a peace agreement, or a friendly agreement to be friends.

I did ask him what breaking up meant, since it obviously hasn't ever really worked for us in the past, and he said breaking up meant no more intimate stuff, but we'll still hang out and enjoy our common interests. Okay, seems clear enough. Except we were getting up early the next morning to go snowboarding, so he still stayed over.

When we woke up the next morning, he kissed me good morning and we lounged in bed for half an hour. I joked that friends don't kiss each other, and he laughed. On the drive back from the slopes, we stopped at a little sub joint. As I munched down my steak-and-cheese, I said to him, "We're not so good at breaking up, are we?" He laughed some more and said "no, we're not." I invited him over for tonight, but only because we drove my car, and he had all his equipment and extra clothes in it, and he was feeling unwell so he wanted to be able to get to a bed and sleep asap, and it would have been too much trouble to take him home and help him unload everything. (Okay, who am I kidding, that was more of an excuse).

So he chuckled, agreed, came over, and we both say it'll be the last night. We're on good terms; we're laughing about our breaking up; it's all good. He was tired, so he went straight to bed after we got home. I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy and debated whether or not to go to a party. Ultimately, I decided to go because I reminded myself that I've been trying to make a point to not be afraid to do things or go places by myself, that I don't have to go to a party with a friend. I can go by myself because I know the hosts, and I can meet new friends there.

Okay, so I decided to go, the second party in the past month that I've just gone to by my self, without stressing about which friend to drag along with me. I ended up having a great time, partly because I met someone ... Earlier today, I had already thought to post about RC and my funny breakup, but now that I'm actually posting, there turns out to be a third character in the story.

We'll call him Econ Guy because he studies economics. I met him at the party as the friend of a friend's boyfriend. After a friendly doubles game of foosball, Econ Guy and I got to be chatting by ourselves. After some 30-40 minutes of exclusively talking to Econ Guy, we found out that we actually have a common friend. I went to high school with her, and he went to college with her. This makes it a little complicated because she was with me New Year's Eve earlier this year when RC was down in Ctown visiting me back home.

This didn't stop me from lingering slightly after I said that I was planning to head out, and he took the bait immediately and asked for my number. I gave it to him, but not without making a mental note that I hope he doesn't talk to our mutual friend....

an awkward day

It started in the afternoon last Thursday. I was feeling rather giddy and wanted to send a text to RC, so I flipped open my phone, went to the last text in my Inbox and replied to it, sending "baby, i miss you!!"

A few minutes later, I felt my phone vibrating, and I smiled to myself thinking that RC was texting me back. Except it wasn't RC. It was Mr. Consultant. At first I was confused, then it dawned on me that I had actually texted "baby, I miss you!!" to Mr. C (oh. my. god.) and not to RC because the last message in my inbox was actually from Mr. C (he texted me during the Super Bowl).

Totally flustered, I didn't know what to do, so I tried to make it all seem funny and lighthearted, texting back:

Hahahaha!! sorry, no :)

Then I realized that the text could be misinterpreted pretty badly, as in, sorry, that wasn't for you, but just to rub it in your face, I'm gonna put a smiley face on it. So I started to text a 2nd message to explain ... Before I could finish, Mr. C texted back.

That's what I thought. Better resend to the new man in your life.

By now, I had finished my explanation text, so off it went: Sorry, I should explain more. I hit reply on my last text instead of starting a new one ... but the last one was yours about the colts :) so sorry!!

His response: Whatever dude

Which made me pause ... wait, was he mad? My first instinct was to text something along those lines, "wait, are you pissed off?" But then I thought better of it, not wanting more things to be misinterpreted ...

So I sent another sorry: Sorry again...

He writes back immediately: Really it's okay. I'm gonna delete this in case my girlfriend wants to play with my phone again

My reaction to this was, oh okay, he's being sarcastic, nothing new, but hey, he's making a joke! Yay, it's lighthearted again!

So I texted back: Haha sounds good; you do that :)

Then I get his text: Yup

This made me rethink the purpose of his sarcasm; I don't think he was trying to make things light-hearted. I think that he was indeed pissed off. But if he were so mad, why did he keep texting me back? It made no sense to me why he would have sent me the worthless text of "Yup." What could that one word possibly have been for? Nothing, so it was a worthless text. Best Friend (who's now back in the US, yay!) disagreed; she thinks that maybe he wanted to make sure he had the last word, which may be true.

I'm also confused as to why he would have gotten upset in the first place. It was an honest mistake; I didn't send the original text to him out of some weird plot of spite to rub it in his face. And we dated only three times, and it was last summer, that I think it's a bit ridiculous if he would harbor resentment that I'm dating someone new. In fact, I would think the normal assumption would be that after seven or eight months, both people have probably dated other people.

Then I thought maybe the smiley faces, my attempts to make the situation funny and lighthearted, may have pissed him off, that he really did misinterpret my first text. More and more, I think that's probably what happened. I should have just initially said something along the lines of "gosh, that was embarrassing. Sorry, the text wasn't intended for you" and just left it at that.

I did not reply to his "Yup" (what would I have even said?), and he didn't send any more texts. To add to the awkwardness of the day, I went to the grocery store later, and totally thought I saw my friend British Guy in the "Shop the World" aisle. At first, I walked right by the aisle (he didn't see me) because I didn't have time to stop & chat, and I didn't want to do a fly-by hello. Then, I saw him in the main aisle, so I had to say hi; I even waved. Until I realized that he was staring back at me with a very blank expression on his face, and he was, in fact, NOT my friend British Guy, but a complete stranger.

a confidence boost

I should mention that for the past 1.5 years, I have served in a RA-like role for a dorm of undergrads. It's a pretty sweet deal because I get a nice one-bedroom apartment for myself, and I don't have to pay rent for it, so all my graduate stipend money can go to frivolous things like shoes. Workload wise, it's really not bad at all; I maybe spend 5-10 hours a week with my students.

Another round of applications for open positions will be due soon (in mid February, I think), and the office that runs the process has been holding information sessions in the past few weeks about the role, the job description, the requirements, etc.

So RC went to one of these yesterday, and he said that the person leading the info session started things off by asking everyone present to introduce themselves and talk about why they want to apply. One guy said he wanted to apply because he knows a couple of people who currently do this, and he really thinks it's a valuable thing. So the session leader asked the applicant whom he knows, and the applicant rattled off two names, one of which was mine.

RC said that after the session leader heard the two names, he said, "Well, I'm not really familiar with so-and-so, but Mini, she's fantastic. She's really one of our best."

Wow, I didn't realize I was doing that great of a job :) I asked RC who the applicant was who mentioned my name, and he said he didn't recognize the guy. I also asked if RC himself mentioned knowing me when it was his turn to say why he wants to apply, and he said no, he just let it go.

so yeah ...

We're not back together ... we just sleep together. Where's the logic in that? I'm not sure. I just know that I've become THAT girl, the one that if she were your friend, and she came to you for advice, you would tell her that she's making a mistake, and that she's fooling herself. And then you would shake your head and silently judge to yourself because you don't want to make her feel bad. Then you would tell her that you would support her no matter what she decides because you're her friend, and that's what friends are for, but for her sake, you just don't want to see her get hurt.

I know all of this, and I guess I must think it's okay despite since I'm still doing it (or I'm just delusional). Ever since Saturday night, RC's spent every night at my place. A while ago, I read somewhere about all the fuss related to a breakup: the head-toss goodbye, to the stuff-exchange, to the makeup sex that happened one night, to the break-up #2, to the awkward meet-up(s) for coffee, to the finally acceptance. I laughed when I read it then, but so far, it looks like RC and I have played out up to step #3.

Do these stages really happen in a lot of breakups? I think most people have the self-control and restraint to stay away from each other after a break up ... but neither RC nor I were ever particularly good about self-control or restraint.

So how do I justify this in my own mind? I keep thinking about how I'm a bit sick of relationships, how I just want some time on my own, so in the meantime, what's the harm in having some no-strings-attached sleepovers with an ex? Surprisingly, RC actually brought this up and said that he thinks what we're doing is fine as long as both of us are single, and that we would stop soon as one or the other starting dating someone.

Okay, so maybe he's fooling himself too. Can we really be friends-with-benefits with an ex? This soon after the breakup?

Yeah ....

i caved ...

In typical girl fashion, I held on to his things, not silly things like a pencil or a pack of gum, but things that I knew he would want back like a leather jacket, or a pair of expensive waterproof gloves he recently bought for snowboarding. When he came to pick up his stuff Thursday night, I knew that he had forgotten these things, but I didn't bother reminding him. I didn't hide them; I just didn't open the coat closet door to say, "oh, why don't you check in here, too."

There were also some other things, small random stuff that I bought him when I was traveling to Asia, California, the South: a scarf that he asked for, a silly little red handmade glass starfish (because we have a running thing about starfish), an eggling that grows a plant, and other silly things. At the time, he was staying over almost every night, so after I gave the stuff to him, he just kept it at my place. I guess I was a bit miffed that he wouldn't take them home, but then I consoled myself by saying that he thought my apartment was home.

I was miffed anew when he didn't take that stuff with him Thursday night, even more disappointed thinking that he probably forgot that I ever even gave him that stuff ...

Anyway, I knew that he didn't quite take everything with him the other night, but I didn't bother to tell him because I knew having more of his stuff would mean that there would be other chances for me to see him. If he still has non-trivial things at my place, there has to be a point in the future when we'll have to call each other and arrange a meeting for stuff-swapping.

Yes, I know, I'm a sneaky sneaky girl.

So yesterday, I gathered up the starfish, the scarf, and the eggling, went to Costco and bought him a 12-pack of Peppermint Dentyne (because I kept saying I'd get him bulk packs from Costco because it's cheaper), and I called him, leaving a message saying that I still had some of his things, could I drop them off later in the day? (Notice that I conveniently neglected to gather up his leather jacket and gloves with the rest of the stuff ... saving them for a future rendezvous)

He was studying all day, so he came by early evening around 6pm. I had planned to ask him to sit down and talk when he came by, to say that I was glad we made the decision that we did, even though it's really hurt the last few days. I had planned to ask him about remaining in my life as a friend, that I wanted him there as someone I could call, and I wanted to be there equally for him, maybe not immediately because we probably could use some time alone, but definitely in the near future when we're hurting a bit less. I wanted to ask him if that would be okay with him, if that is what he wanted as well ...

... but both of us were starving, so we decided to talk over dinner. Some meat, potatoes, and plenty of held back tears so as to not make a scene in the restaurant, later, we ended up at my place, and he asked if he could spend the night ... and against all better judgment, I conceded.

We're not back together; that part is clear. Both of us are on the same page about that, but then just what are we? I'm not really sure ... yikes.

take my mind off of things

For the past couple of days, I've been agonizing. I feel like I regret the breakup. I don't understand why I got so annoyed at him in the first place. I hate my parents for planting doubts in my mind (not specific doubts about him per se, but their disapproval definitely took a huge toll on my feelings for RC). I feel like if I could just have one more try, I wouldn't get so upset so easily and drive him away with my critical nature. But then I think about my parents, and how they will never approve of him, and that makes me stop dead-in-my-tracks and not text, call, or email. And then I hate that I value their opinion so much that I sacrifice my own happiness.

Actually, I think that I am just hurting and being irrational, but I'm not sure either. I've started many unfinished emails to him today and yesterday; from "I'm not ready to give up on us" to "I want to still be a part of your life" to "I still have some of your stuff that I can bring by". I feel like having him around with annoyances is better than not having him at all, and that I'm ready to embrace him for all his greatness and faults, emotional and physical.

I don't know how much of this is brought about by my generally unstable emotional state right now, and how much of this is for real.

Right after the breakup, I was preparing to face the world on my own, sans friends: sitting in on Friday nights, watching late night TV, doing things that amuse me, by me, for me, and with only me and my lonesome self ... One reason I didn't want to call up anyone here to do stuff was because I didn't want to shoulder the responsibility of organizing. I feel like that task always falls to me, and right now I just don't have the energy for it. Even if I wanted to see someone, I would want something low-key. Ice cream and a Grey's Anatomy marathon, for example. With girlfriend(s), of course.

Too bad West Side and Best Friend are in Chicago and Mexico City, respectively, and no one is in town whom I feel like pouring my heart out to. Ugh. Feelings of loneliness is another post altogether.

But as if by magic, I got a couple of emails/chats from different groups of friends on Thursday (the day after the fateful night), asking if I would be interested in going out this weekend, and I didn't even have to spearhead/plan anything. So I'm going out for a late dinner/drinks with some folks tonight, and going out dancing tomorrow night.

Maybe this will be good, to take my mind off of some things. Then I think about RC, and I think about what he has. He still has to stay focused, and to keep studying for those dreadful exams dawning on him in about a week now. He can't just zone out for a few days. I really wish we hadn't gotten into this mess until his exams were done, but I guess conversations just go the way that conversations go. It was time, and there wasn't much I could have done to keep stalling it. He was already unhappy because I was snapping at him 70% of the time we were together. I just wasn't very good at hiding my dissatisfactions.

But right now, I really want to call him, to tell him I'm sorry, and to tell him I still love him and that I still want to be with him, and that I want to give us another chance.

am I too critical?

Key said I was too critical, that he was always stressed and afraid that he would upset me in some way, that I will dislike the way he does something, or disapprove of how he said hi to somebody. I knew that I was unreasonable sometimes, but my pride and immaturity prevented me from ever acknowledging that I was in the wrong or to apologize properly.

Since the breakup (Oct 2005, on my birthday no less), I've given this issue a lot of thought. I keep going back to blaming him for the breakup, that he was the one who couldn't tolerate my non-Christian-ness. But now that quite a bit of time has passed, I can't help but look at myself. I think a lot of the problems with Key and me came down to how controlling and critical I was. Things had to be done my way because of course, that's the most efficient way. I had no room for mistakes, even something as trivial as leaving the window open during the day when it's cold outside. Sure, he probably should have shut the window before leaving the house, but does it really warrant me getting mad at him? No, it's not worth it.

Little things like that build up the resentment, and in the end, I think Key just got tired of having to deal with it and didn't want to live with it the rest of his life. I used to say that his and my philosophies were different on relationships: I thought that love above all else was what mattered, and with love, everything else can be worked out. Whereas his philosophy was that we couldn't talk about love and commitment and marriage until we worked out the issues, such as religion.

In the end, I think his philosophy was the same as mine. It was just that the issues were too great in his mind. He didn't want to live with a nagging girlfriend/fiance/wife for the rest of his life who would get upset and annoyed about the smallest things.

RC essentially told me the same thing the other night. After he said "no" to my question of whether or not he still wanted to do this, I asked if he could tell me why. His reason was that I was too critical, that he constantly fears doing something that would upset or annoy me, that I would get mean when he got the directions wrong, or when he put some silly papers in the wrong order, or if he hung his coat on the wrong hook... trivial things.

The truth is that I don't think I started getting easily annoyed until most recently. What he said particularly hit home because I really thought that I had gotten better since Key, that I was better about not taking people for granted and being appreciative and not as selfish with however my moods swung. And it was particularly depressing that RC had the same to say about me that Key did.

I know that I am critical. I'm really independent (mostly), and I'm capable of a lot of different things. I usually have an idea of how to go about doing something the best, the most efficiently, the most logically, and I sometimes lose my patience when someone else chooses to not do it my way. I'm less likely to say something to friends, acquaintances, classmates, co-workers just because I want to remain polite. But for someone I'm dating, once we're over the initial stage of giddy happiness, I lose the desire to brush over things for the sake of being polite. So the controlling side of me comes out.

I know this, but I don't know if I can change. I fear that every relationship I have will be happy and dandy until the point in the relationship when my critical side starts to come out. I don't blame guys for walking away because they can't stand being around me all day because all I do is criticize them. Nobody can take that for long.

I just feel like I'm a failure when it comes to relationships. I'm not very forgiving or accommodating. Even when I think I am, my actions are different from what I want my actions to be.

and now comes the hard part

"Hi Mini,
I don't think I'm up for the concert on Saturday. Feel free to use the tickets and invite someone else to go.

-RC
p.s. I need to come by your place sometime this evening to pick up my books."

He just sent me this, in response to a short, but enthusiastic email I sent him asking if he would still be up for a concert this Saturday (we have complimentary tickets from something else we went to). Maybe my sending him that email was a mistake; maybe I shouldn't have done that. Why would I think that it would be fun for us to see a concert Saturday night?

Regardless, I sent it, and the matter-of-fact tone of his reply made me want to run to the bathroom and cry. Just like that, he now wants his stuff back (which btw, in addition to his books, include a duffle bag, a shirt, and some gloves). I guess better sooner than later, but I really just wanted the consolation of still having some of his stuff, and his still having some of mine because then I know we would still see each other sometime in the future. Whereas he wants to just Cut. Ties. Now.

A couple of more short one-sentence emails back and forth, and we agree that he'll come over tonight around 10, and now I'm sitting here driving myself crazy with more irrationality. I know that when he's over tonight, I would want to stay for more than just the couple of minutes to do the stuff swapping. Even it if it means our sitting next to each other silent, maybe sighing, maybe not, because it would mean I could spend just a bit more time with him.

Him, on the other hand, I know that he would want to just come in, get everything, and head out. I know that the reasonable, logical, rational thing to do is to let him go, and not to keep him. But I don't think I'm being very rational right now.

I want to know that we'll still see each other, that we'll still be in each others' lives, that we'll still go snowboarding on the weekends, that we'll still go try out random out-there concerts, that we would still care enough to be there for one another. But I know I'm just being delusional.

West Side told me that I need to just let him go tonight, not even keeping him for a minute longer, even if it means crying to myself afterwards.

I also called Medical today, to set up an appointment with one of their therapists; I've been meaning to do this for a couple of months. They're going to call me back at 3 to talk briefly about my concerns so that they can match me up with someone fitting for me. I think this will be good for me, to be able to just talk to someone openly and candidly without fearing being judged. I think I want to set up regular appointments for a little while.

he broke up with me

As much as that's what I wished for and wanted, it still feels shitty, especially the end when he was so quick to hang up the phone, without even a hint of a linger, or wanting to savor the last moments of the conversation, if only for memory's sake to wallow in the sadness surrounding the situation. Nope, just bye, click. I think more than anyone else, I didn't want things to end with RC because I didn't want to experience the quickness with which he would erase me from his life afterwards, as I know he will now do. Is that so irrational that I don't want him to forget me so easily? I want to know that I meant something significant to him.

He called to talk about how stressed out he was, and how he doesn't have a whole lot of motivation, and he's always been reluctant to talk to me because he didn't want to disappoint me. Because he knew I saw his lack of motivation as a weakness. This shook me a little bit, to think that he was afraid to talk to me. Am I that intimidating that he wants so bad to not appear weak in front of me? The conversation carried on for a while, with my trying to be as supportive and understanding as possible, and telling him that we all lose confidence; we all lose motivation...

Somehow the conversation turned to us, and before I knew it, I found myself telling him that I didn't think he was very happy being with me, that when the good times roll around, they're really good, but that I got the feeling that the good times are far and few in between. This was how I felt about him, and I was taking a stab that maybe he was feeling similarly, too. So he told me yes, that it has been very hard recently because we seem to very easily get frustrated with each other. Specifically, I seem to very easily get frustrated with him. So I guess he noticed.

He said that he just didn't think that things would get better. He thought that we would only get more and more easily frustrated with each other, and that as time goes on, we would just build our resentment because he would keep making the same mistakes that he does, and every time I would be that much quicker to get mad, because not only would I be frustrated at whatever act/mistake itself, but I would also be frustrated that he still hasn't learn from his past mistakes. Which I guess is true.

Normally, I would argue the point perhaps. "But there's a point in every relationship where things seem to clash often and significantly" ... "But what we have is good, and we can work through this" ... but I didn't argue.

Instead I asked him "So what do you think this means? Do you want to keep doing this?"

He said, "I don't know ..." pause...pause...pause... "no."

And I said, "okay."

I still wish that we had never gone back on that breakup the night he was in Ctown. Had we ended things then, we would have ended things on a heartbreak. We would have both looked back and sighed and told people just how much we loved each other and how much we both wanted to be with each other, but in the end, we broke up because certain fundamental things just didn't look like they would work out. It would have been a sad breakup, one that neither one of us actually wanted, but we felt we had to do.

Instead, we got a breakup that, I think, made both of us content. I don't think either of us feel that this was a heartbreak. In the end, we both probably feel a sense of relief. That's sad that we got to this point; it's hard to hold on to the good memories like this. Additionally for me, as much as I know that's how I feel, it's still hard to accept that that's how he feels about me too. Even though I no longer wanted the relationship, I wanted him to want me still. I wanted him to still love me. Knowing that he probably no longer does, hurts.

he got sick, then we talked

RC and I hit the slopes yesterday in some mountains about 3 hours away. He woke up with a headache, so I drove his stick-shift car, and he said that my driving would also give him a chance to catch up on some reading. Except the reading made him sick. We had gotten out of bed 1.5 hours later than I had wanted, and it was already going to be 10:30am by the time we got to the slopes; with us starving like mad, it looked like we would be lucky to get onto our first lift by 11:30.

I was made more annoyed by the fact that we woke up late because he turned off MY alarm clock before I could wake up, knowing full well that it takes a few minutes for the beeping to wake me up. Instead he fell back asleep; I heard no beeping, and miraculously, I woke up sometime around 6:30am, ready to hit the roof with him, but I held my temper, gathered our stuff and went out to the car.

Nevermind that he had a headache and didn't want to drive. Luckily for him, I enjoy driving, so I didn't pick too much of a fight despite feeling like I wanted to strangle him for the alarm clock thing. It's amazing how irrational I can be in the early morning.

About 30 miles or so from the resort, he alarmingly told me to pull over to the side of the road, opened the car door and vomited on the pavement. I popped the trunk, got a bottle of water, brought it around his side of the car, and found him some tissues to blow out his nose. Then we rolled down the windows for some fresh air and sat there until he felt better, then five minutes more. By then, it was 10:30 already, and we were still 30-40 minutes away.

After we made the turn-off, he asked me that when I get a chance, could I please pull over because he thinks he's going to be sick again. He then opened the car door a few times, but I guess stuff settled, so nothing more happened, and he said he really just wants to lay down. The back seats were down so that we could use the room and the trunk space to fit our boards, so he couldn't put his seat all the way back. So he asked if he could lay down and put his head in my lap. I said fine, even though it was now 11:30, and I really had to pee.

A walk in the woods later, I sat back down in the drivers' seat, he put his head in my lap, and I noticed that his eyes were wet. I wiped the tears away, kissed his forehead, and told him that everything is just fine, nothing to get upset about. I asked him what was wrong, but he never told me, but the tears opened up some kind of communication portal, and we talked a little bit about us.

He said that one of the reasons he had a headache in the morning (and has had one for the past week) is that he hasn't been sleeping well. It takes him an hour or more to fall asleep once he goes to bed. I've never had trouble sleeping, and I almost always fall asleep within minutes of laying down, so I'm sure my soundly sleeping next to him doesn't help his insomnia. At first, he was vague about why he can't seem to be falling asleep, then he said that he thinks it's because of all his anxiety.

"Anxiety?" I asked, "As in you're really worried about your exams?"

"No, my anxiety is from not knowing what will happen with us."

Turns out that he is really worried that he will at some point in the future, no longer love me. He thinks about my recent bouts of shortness-of-temper, and he doesn't know if over time, he will start to resent me for all of that. I told him not to worry about things that he has no control over, that he should focus on passing his exams at the end of this month, and we will work on "us" after that. Of course, I didn't tell him that this is why I haven't brought up any topics of us with him so far, but I guess my actions speak louder than words. I've never been very successful at controlling my temper.

I asked him if he regrets our having reversed the decision to break up while he was in Ctown. You would think I would remember his answer to that question, but I honestly don't, which makes me think that perhaps he didn't give a straight answer.

My motivation for asking that question was to, effectively, have him to bring up the subject of breaking up. Is that weird? I feel guilty that I no longer want to be with him, but I don't want to bring it up; I want him to think it was his idea all along so that I can feel less guilty.

Some 5 hours later, after a half day on the slopes, we were happy and joking and having a great time on the drive back. We had a great day on the mountain, which put both of us in great moods. I remember thinking distinctively at one point that when things are good, they are really good.

It's just that they're so seldom good anymore. Already this morning, the high of yesterday afternoon and evening was gone. When he ran his hands down my arms and legs, I rolled over and said that I wasn't in the mood. Then I fell asleep, and when I woke up again, he had already left.

easily irritable, that's me

Ever since getting back from my holiday break in the South, I have found myself to be rather easily irritable around RC. Nothing quite seems right, or adequate, or good enough. The smallest things he does flares up my nerves, and I get very extremely annoyed. The last time I felt this was was when I dated Engineer my first year of college. The feelings this time around with RC are not as extreme as I remembered them being with Engineer, but equally alarming.

For example, at lunch today, RC was repeatedly opening and closing my wallet (there is a little button clasp on there), thereby making a repeated clicking sound. This drove me nuts, and after a few opens and closes, I reached out and grabbed the wallet and took it out of his reach. My gestures were rather rude, and a bit out of the ordinary, but very exemplary of the majority of my attitude toward RC this week.

The things I used to like about him now grate on my nerves. For example, he has a very distinct way of speaking and asking questions that is slow and long-winded. I used to like this, seeing it as his being able to ask questions about anything and engage just about anybody in conversation. Now, I just get so annoyed. I roll my eyes and think to myself "geez; he's doing it again. Why can't he just spit out the question like everybody else?"

Tonight, he took me to a play at a local theater where he had a set of pre-purchased tickets. He insisted on driving there because it's cold outside, he said. I didn't argue, but I told him to take his car since his car also has a city residential parking permit, so we wouldn't be necessarily limited to the meters right around the theater. The problem is that the theater is in an area of town that has a constant shortage of parking; no meter is ever free. We found out tonight that the street permit spots nearby are never available, either.

Through the process of finding a parking spot, I got extremely annoyed, so much so that I was perpetually snapping at him.

"Why are you speeding down this street? Do you NOT want to look for a parking spot?"
"NO!! Oxford Street is over to the LEFT, and it is NOT close to where we want to go."
"Ugh, no, I told you to take a U-turn there. Now you're stuck in a right-turn only lane."

And so the annoyances piled up. I've never felt this much urge to yell at him, but simultaneously, I would feel terrible for wanting to scream at him. After all, it's not his fault that there is no parking. Except, I saw it as his fault for wanting to drive. I questioned whether or not there would be parking, and he nonchalantly said, "Yup, it should be empty, because it's a weeknight."

I just feel like my own demeanor now toward him is completely different from before. There was love, admiration, and a general desire to want to spend time with him before, as recent as the first few days he was in Ctown with me. Now, there is some borderline resentment when it comes to things like finding parking. More pervasively, I just don't have that great of a desire to spend time with him. When I do, I am easily irritable, and I enjoy myself less than half the time.

In a way, I think my feelings toward him now are more of compassion and sympathy than of love. I feel sorry for him; I feel bad for him; I see him walking in the distance, and I think "what a shame." Under normal circumstances, I think I would be at a point where I am ready to call things quits because I just don't feel honest attraction anymore (and that's a weird feeling to have after having thought that I loved someone so incredibly much). However, because of his physical handicaps, I feel bad for doing so, and in a way, I want to take it upon myself to make sure he's okay, even though logically I know that it's certainly not my responsibility. I just don't want to see him hurt, and it's even worse knowing that I would be the one to hurt him, that instead of being there for him, I'm the one who would make it worse.

This whole episode worries me because of how fragile feelings of love and attraction seem to be. A month ago, I thought I could spend the rest of my life with this guy, that he was THE ONE. Now, I have trouble spending time with him without feeling built up annoyance and/or resentment. Such transient feelings, how do I ever know when something is real and that something would last the test of time?

oceans

Mentioning oceans today made me cry. Good friend West Side was talking about oceans, and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes because RC always talks about how he misses the ocean. West Side asked me today if I know what I'm going to do about RC, and I told her that I think RC and I have to break up. If I am thinking about other guys, then I can't honestly be fair to him while in being a relationship with him.

I didn't think that I could cry for RC. I remember all the tears I shed for Key, how quickly those came for just the smallest things: a most thoughtful gift, a kiss on my forehead, sitting with him before his flight took off ... happy tears and sad tears, but tears nonetheless, free-flowing tears that just came. Tears don't just come for RC. Many a situations, I think that there ought to be some tears, but there never are. It made me think that I don't care about RC as much as I did for Key. Yet these tears came today when we talked about oceans, sad tears.

I think the tears came because I felt sorry for RC. When it comes down to it, he is such a great guy who is so good to me. Even my mom told me that RC is so good, and it's such a shame that he has screws in his back. I gave my mom a dirty look when she said that, because it felt like she was once again, making a decision for me. What does she mean, such a shame? It's almost as if the ending's already been played out, and RC and I are already doomed.

Honestly though, as much as I don't like to admit it, I think RC and I are doomed. I sometimes wish that the conversations we had while he was in Ctown were never reversed, that we could have cordially broken up over logistical details. Now, now it's just difficult. I don't really know where I stand on my feelings, but I know I have serious doubts.

All relationships have doubts, and it's okay to not know where I/we want things to go. But it's another thing altogether if I can honestly say to myself that I know, for sure, that we have no future together, whether for emotional reasons (one or both of us no longer love the other) or for logistical reasons (our religions clash, for example). I feel like I'm leaning toward the "can't be with him" for logistical reasons, yet I can't even verbalize my own reasons.

A big part of the reasons is to just escape all the complexities with my parents, and I hate myself for even considering that as a reason. But when it comes down to it all, I don't want to be on bad terms with my parents for the rest of my life; I don't want an issue as big as THE-REST-OF-MY-LIFE to be the thorn in my relationship with my parents.

Another part is Willow. Having Willow show up so suddenly again muddled things up a lot. Honestly though, I have to ask myself, how would it EVER work with Willow? It just plain wouldn't unless he moves, and what can I even promise him for the move? The potential for a relationship? Yeah, that's a heck of a lot of incentive. So it's silly to give up RC for Willow, when the likelihood of Willow is maybe 5%.

West Side and I talked yesterday about giving up a person for somebody better, how we all have trouble moving on until we see a better option. The idealistic me hopes that to not be true, that we would all be honest with ourselves and with our relationships to not depend on a third person to make decisions. But what she said really has some truth ... We stay in dysfunctional relationships sometimes just for the sake of having had the relationship. We find it hard to break up with someone over logistical reasons when we have a deep emotional attachment to that person, but as soon as a better option shows up, our minds are better set.

We don't hurt any less emotionally, but our minds are better made up about going forward with a "right" decision, whatever that may be. So is Willow my third person motivator? Perhaps. I just feel that if I can't fully commit to RC, then I should stop trying to fool us both. But what about the where, the when, the how?

I mentioned his big exams coming up at the end of this month. Even my mom said I shouldn't face up anything with him before those exams. He told me that my being here with support can help him, but on the other hand, perhaps my not being here would get rid of a distraction. But I want him in a good state of mind while studying and all the up through those exams.

So the when gets pushed back to February. Mid-February, I have a humongous presentation. I kinda want his support for that, but doing that means I have to go through that inevitable couple holiday known as Valentine's Day with him. How can I go through that with him with a straight face while knowing that I have doubts about being with him? Which brings me back to the now ... maybe I should just do it now, but I don't have the heart, nor the resolve, to.

Part of me wants to wait because waiting means that my feelings could change. Maybe a month from now, the memory of Willow will be faint, and I'll be more ready than ever to give RC my all.

... continued

The next morning when I woke up, I still went over to the guest room because my parents had gone to work. As he held me, we talked about how the decision we made the night before was for the best. I couldn't help feeling that if it were for the best, then maybe we shouldn't be laying in bed together still. We had planned to go to a nearby museum for the day, but we didn't get to it until 3:30 in the afternoon. Mostly we just stayed home and talked.

In the end, we decided to keep trying because we still felt so strongly about each other. He told me that he'd been seeing a therapist, nothing new, something he's done for the past year and a half. What surprised me was how much he told his therapist: everything from the details of his accident, his physical condition, to girls he's been with, and our sex life. The week before he came to visit me in Ctown, he went to see her, and he told her that he was thinking of breaking up with me. She asked him if he thought this was a pattern in his life, because she was there through his last breakup not long before I came along. He said he became very defensive and told her that it wasn't a pattern, that if he and I broke up, it would be completely different from his breakup with Nora.

When his therapist asked him why, he said that he never wanted to be with Nora forever. When he broke up with her, he no longer wanted to be with here. Whereas with me, his wanting to break up with me isn't because he doesn't love me. He does, and doesn't want to ever lose me, but if we can't ever work, then we still have to break up.

I'm glad that our breakup wasn't final, but I can't help having a sinking feeling either. This was how it went with Key. We loved each other but realized that our fundamental differences just were too much, so we tried to break up. We ended up scrapping the breakup because it hurt so much to break up. Except the "let's keep trying" only lasted another few weeks, and we broke up for good. I can't help feeling that this is going to be a repeat with RC. It's too hard to break up, so we try at it a couple of times before we finally succeed because we finally accept that it indeed would not work out between us.

In the meantime, my head is a complete blur. Honestly, I don't think I love RC as much as he does me. I compare my feelings for RC to Key a lot, and no matter how I look at it, stuff just don't add up. I think about how absolutely certain I was about loving Key, how much I meant it when I would tell him "I love you", how I would cry whenever I would see him off at the airport. Somehow, I just don't feel that intensity with RC. I don't know if that's because Key is the first person I truly loved, so all emotions get intensified, or just that I don't feel that strongly about RC.

Amid all of this, Willow came back into the picture. RC left Wednesday morning. I had promised to burn a CD for Willow with a particular movie on it, but I hadn't gotten around to it before RC came into town. I wanted to call Willow Wednesday after RC left to see if he'd be up for drinks after work, and so I can give him the CD. In the end, I chickened out, didn't do it, but Willow emailed me on Thursday,

"hey I hope your bf had a good time in ctown. any plans for rest of the week?"

I bit the cue and asked him if he wanted to meet up later on Thursday, especially since I still owe him the movie. He emailed back (from work) asking if I want to get dinner, but I told my parents I'd eat at home that night, so we settled on "drinks or something", and that I would call him after dinner.

When I called him after dinner, he had an idea to go see Babel because he remembered that I had mentioned it during one of our conversations as a movie that I wanted to see. It was only playing in this one theater about 20 minutes away, so we agreed to meet up for coffee first before going to the movie. When we met up, he teased me about how I must love to drive because why else would I insist on driving my own car instead of having him pick me up from home? So I rode with him from the coffee place to the movie theater 20 minutes away.

It turns out that Babel's won't start playing until this Saturday, so we saw another movie that was playing there instead. The theater's not all that popular, so we ended up being the only ones at the movie, a private showing. During the course of the movie, we moved in closer and closer to each other, and by the end of the movie, he had an arm around me. I wasn't sure what to do. I wanted his arms on my shoulder, but I didn't want to acknowledge the arm around my shoulder ... it was a mad struggle in my own mind. I kept trying to imagine RC, to see his face, so that I would feel guilty about what I was doing. At the same time, I kept wondering what Willow was trying to do, if he's going to try anything else, and just what the heck was I doing anyway?

After the movie, neither one of us acknowledged his arm around my shoulder; we both got up and left. He drove under the speed limit the whole way back (I thought it was to prolong the drive, but maybe I'm reading too much into things). When we got back to the coffee shop where my car was parked, I handed him the CD and practically jumped out of the car. I wanted to stay in the car, to pause like it was the end of a first or second date, to see what he would say or do. I didn't jump out of the car because that's what I wanted to do; I jumped out of the car because that's what I thought the right thing to do was. As I fumbled through my purse, looking for my car keys, I glanced over at him: he had one arm on the wheel and his head down with a blank expression on his face. Again, maybe I'm reading too much into what wasn't there, but I thought he looked like someone who knew he had just lost his chance.

I think back to all the thoughts running through my head last night ... I really wanted to be with Willow. The attraction is still most definitely there. I remember wanting to inch closer to catch more of the smell of his cologne. I remember admiring his shirt and how good it looked on him. I remember wanting to lean into him when he had his arm around my shoulder. But I would then reality check myself ... even had I been single, maybe we would have gotten a bit farther than arm around the shoulder, but would we be able to have done much else in way of having a relationship? It would start long-distance with no chance for change. I need to stay in Boston for at least another two or three years; I doubt he would move. Where would that leave us anyway? A phantom relationship conducted over email and phone and IM?

*sigh*

Where does this leave RC and me? I just talked to him on the phone, and he says he thinks about how close he came to losing me, and that really scares him. I wanted to reassure him, but I didn't want to outright lie. I told him I loved him, but I wasn't even sure myself how I felt when I said that. I said it with a lump in my throat.

I told my good friend YY that I don't think RC and I will last much longer. That makes me so sad because he is such a good guy. But I can't stay with him if my heart isn't 100% into our relationship. At the same time, RC has a set of exams at the end of January that really determines his future. I don't want to screw with anything before then because I don't want to distract him from studying.

Even my mom told me that I should wait until his exams are over before I bring up anything about my parents not being able to accept him (yup, that's an issue too, still). I personally think that's her softening after having met him and spent some time with him and realized how absolutely wonderful he is. But in the end, if my feelings don't change, I think things have to end. It's just a matter of when.

conversations

Ever since Thanksgiving when RC really upset me with his aloofness and inability to communicate when he's stressed out, he's been really serious about us. He came over on Thanksgiving day, crying, asking for me to forgive him and telling me that he really thinks that I'm the one for him, that he wants to go down that direction toward the big M-word.

Me, I felt really serious back around Thanksgiving, but the feelings definitely have gone up and down since then. One minute I feel like I could give up the world if only I could have him with me forever, regardless of whether he's standing up or paralyzed. The next minute, I get frustrated that he's not more assertive. Sometimes I even wonder just how much I love him, and whether or not I'm actually in love with him rather than trying to convince myself that I am.

Before his visit, despite all my anger at my parents, I felt like I was ready to throw in the bag and just let things go, but I wasn't going to let my parents in on that. I started thinking about Willow, about how ironic it would be if after all these years, I start dating my high school crush, but also about how that would be a completely long-distance relationship. I sometimes get really frustrated with myself and how I evaluate every guy around me for relationship-potential, and specifically for marriage-potential. A couple of non-dates with Willow, and I'm already lining him up for in case RC and I go kaput.

One thing we talked about doing during RC's visit to my hometown was to go ring shopping. I know, I know. Big gasp, what the hell am I talking about? I think this all started because sometimes, when I was feeling very serious about us as well, I would egg RC on, telling him that I, too, want to see us married. He once asked me what the next steps should be, how he needs to go about getting this I would sometimes egg him on, when I felt serious about us too. I would ask him if he even knows what kind of ring I like (he said it first that he wants to put a ring on my finger), and he would admit that he doesn't. Thus started the conversation that we can go ring shopping together, and hey, why not do some of that when he's visiting me over the holidays?

It's hard for me to tell how much of this is serious, and how much of it is joking. I don't even know if I'm serious or if I'm joking. So on New Year's Day, we walked around a big shopping center near my house and looked up a jewelry store. We walked in, and the salesperson immediately asked us if he could help us (we were the only people in the store), and RC answered "No, thanks. We're just looking around." So the guy asks us if we're looking at anything in particular because if so, he can point us to the right sections. I stood there, not saying anything, and RC answered, "No, nothing in particular. We're just browsing." We walked around the store for about a minute and left.

Later that night, when the house was all dark, I sneaked over to the guest room into RC's bed to talk to him. We're just whispering, joking around, talking, and I brought up the jewelry store
scene. I said something along the lines of "You didn't want to tell the salesman we were looking at rings, huh?" My comment was very lighthearted, but his response was very serious: "Are you upset that I didn't want to talk to the salesmen?"

I really wasn't upset. The initial idea of going ring shopping was rather silly anyway. As much as I want the exact ring I pick out, I want the surprise more. I want something that he thinks I will like, even if it's not the most ideal one I would have chosen for myself. Besides, I told him that I totally understand that it's one thing to say you want to marry someone, it's a totally different ballgame when you're actually there holding rocks in your hands asking HER which one she likes.

Then I asked him if he's sure about me, and that opened up a long conversation ...

In summary, neither one of us are sure about each other. He is unsure about me because he feels that he can't talk to me about everything, specifically when he's upset about his accident, when he's pissed and bitter. He doesn't feel like he can talk to me about this because he feels resentment from me, and he would want to be able to talk about everything with the person he marries. This resentment issue has always been there, ever since the beginning when he asked me lightheartedly what I would change about him if there was one thing I could change. My answer was that he would be who he is without having had the accident 8 years ago. That really took him by surprise, and ever since then, I've felt like he's kind of held that against me.

My doubts about him revolved around his un-assertiveness. I told him that I sometimes wonder if he can take care of me, not in the big picture sense, but in the everyday sense. For example, if we take a vacation somewhere, I feel like the job of planning that vacation would fall to me. I would map out our itinerary; I would look up information for train schedules or park opening times, etc. etc. Or even more everyday, if we need to go run some errands, I would make the suggestion of "Okay, it makes more sense if we do this first, then do that, and then we'll go drop this off" etc. etc. I'm tired of all that; I want someone who can tell me how best to go about my day when I want a vacation. With RC, I feel like I'm always the planner still.

He agreed with my observations. I tended to disagree with his. I feel like at this point, I've made peace with his accident. While I certainly would prefer that he never got into that car, but in the end, this particular issue is not something that would break our relationship (though I'm sure my parents would have a few words to say about that). If RC and I break up, it would not be because I resent his accident or that I can't live with his physical handicaps.

So I guess for us right now, these two are the big things on our minds, our big doubts about each other. I asked him if he thought more time would help him erase his doubts, as in, is this something that can be changed over time. He said mostly he didn't know, but he didn't think it was likely that his doubts would fade away. Naturally, he asked about mine. I told him that my doubts wouldn't go away either, but I think his non-assertiveness is something I can live with. He said that I shouldn't settle; I shouldn't be okay simply to have something that "I can live with".

After a long silence, he asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I was thinking what this meant for us, if it means that we should say our goodbyes, and if so, if tonight was the night to make that decision. He thought it was, because dragging it out would only make it more painful, and if those doubts don't go away, we wouldn't work together no matter how much we loved each other. I asked him what that meant for us, how we interact with each other ... I didn't ask the dreaded question of "Can we still be friends?"

He said that we can still be friends, that we would still hang out, that we would still care about each other. I told him that we ought to be realistic, that really we would only hang out until one of us starts dating again. He agreed. We laid there in silence for a while, and I got up to go back to my room and sleep...

... to be continued ...

RC's visit

I should write in here more often so I'm not always summarizing things that have already happened, but are relevant to the topic at hand. RC came to visit me these last few days. The original motivation was that he wasn't planning on going home for the holidays because it was too far away, so I suggested, "well, if you think you'll be bored at school by yourself, you can come down south to visit me for a few days." So the tickets were bought, and he came.

Right before he came was horrible because of the parents. I was getting less and less excited about him visiting to the point that I wish he weren't visiting. I went out with Willow a few times, and my mind was distracted because I knew that Willow would be someone my parents would approve of. Up until I had to pick up RC from the airport, I dreaded having to take him home. The drive home, I pointed out some landmarks, which include two bridges we have to cross on the highway before exiting. He was so excited as we crossed the second bridge, saying things like "wow, I can't wait to get to your house! I can't wait to meet your parents!" I just worried to myself ...

When we got home, my dad was surprisingly cordial. He was very warm and friendly; even came out to meet us at the car so we didn't have to open the door to the house. We all sat down to a nice dinner, with pretty flowing conversation. I was flabbergasted. This was the same dad who just a day or two earlier was telling me that I have no heart if I keep dating RC because I know my dad would worry about me to the day he dies, and even knowing that, I'm not willing to break up with RC.

All in all, the few days RC spent here were great. We toured the city; did some touristy things, celebrated New Year's Eve with friends, had dinner with my parents. We caught a comedy show Saturday night, and I called Willow to see if he wanted to come, and he actually came out. I didn't think he would because everyone else was a friend of mine, and he would have to meet my boyfriend. But he came, and we all had a good time.

to evade elusiveness

Just to get it out in the open, here's what wrong with RC.

I mentioned that he was in a car accident 8 years ago. It broke his back, and it took a whole year before he was really back to "normal" again. After that, his back kept hurting for another year. Yeah, talk about how much it sucks.

The accident broke two vertebrae in mid to lower back, shattered one completely beyond repair (doctors had to graft some bone taken from his hip). The bones are now held in place by a couple of screws and 2 long metal rods (I'm guessing 5 inches, but I don't know for sure). I can feel the ends of the rods when I massage his back.

So that's the structural damage. The nerve damage is scarier. He had significant spinal cord injury. The nerves to his calves are all dead, so all of his calf muscles deteriorated to flab. If you think about how a human being walks, we plant one foot out front and lift up our heels on the back foot to move it to the front. Lifting up our heels all comes from calf muscles, so when you don't have any, you have to change the way you walk. He's compensated fairly well, but if you watch him long enough, you can tell that he's not quite walking right.

The sensory nerves on the back of his thighs and butt are dead, so he doesn't feel anything. As in, if he sits on a hot bench, he wouldn't get up.

Probably biggest deal of all is that he lost the nerves that 1) controls his bladder, 2) tells him when his bladder is full, and 3) allows him to pee. So he thinks about how much water he's drank, how long it's been, and guesses when he needs to use the bathroom. When he does, he sticks a 14" long catheter through his urethra all the way up into his bladder to drain out the liquid. You may ask, so ... can he, you know, perform his other penile function? Yes, yes he can, but there is significant loss of tactile sensation.

Alright, so that's everything.

My parents know somewhat about the back. I told them that he broke his back, and has a couple of screws in his back. That's it. And they've already gone beserk. Can you imagine how adamantly against this they would be should they find out about everything else, too? Especially the catheter. God, I don't want to imagine that conversation.

parents: "WHAT???? So he can't PEE on his own??"
me: "yeah"
parents: "You have to break up with him. He can't even have kids."
me: "err, actually, I think he can"
parents: "and HOW would you know that?"
me: "errrr"

Yeah, that'd be a really fun conversation.