this contradiction of mine...

What's a good age to marry? I used to think 25, and here I am, rapidly approaching 25 with not really a prospect. Most days I WANT to find someone to marry, to settle down, to have kids. I'm not sure if this is what society tells me to do, or if there is some internal biological clock that's starting to scream now that I am less than six months away from my quarter-century birthday.

The other part of me is definitely not ready to marry. This is the part that I rarely admit to and certainly almost never let out. Deep inside, I know that I can hardly even commit to a dating relationship. My eyes are always wandering; my thoughts are always inappropriately focused on other men.

Just the other day, I got an email from a college fling. Even since we met in our first year of college, we'd been flirtatious with each other up until we actually hooked up in the spring of our third year. We dated briefly afterwards, left on good terms, but something was always still there between the two of us. After I started dating Key, he was always the model gentlemen, never so much as even look at me more than what was appropriate, but whenever we did run into each other, there was always a level of silent sexual tension we both felt.

So the other day I got an email from him that was quite flirtatious (though in response to a silly email from me that could probably be easily interpreted as flirtatious). He moved to an exotic part of the world about a year after we graduated, and he recently celebrated a birthday in a major big exotic city. I had emailed wishing him a happy birthday and told him that I hoped he had fun in Big Exotic City. He emailed back saying that he will be sure to celebrate closer to Boston next year so that I can partake in the festivities.

My heart skipped a beat reading that, and I started to imagine all kinds of possibilities if he were to come around and visit Boston, most of which is completely inappropriate given my current status of in-a-relationship. This got me thinking that these days, I really do wish I were single so that I can make decisions by myself, without having to take anyone else's feelings into account. Essentially I want to be able to act and not be held responsible for my actions.

As soon as this thought crossed my mind, I realized this contradiction of mine: my brain tells me that I want to settle down because I am of-age, but the rest of me wants to live life without inhibitions imposed on me because of my relationship status. I want someone to kiss and to hold me at night, but I want just as much to flirt with cute boys standing next to me in a grocery line or to re-kindle an old flame.

I have come to terms with the fact that I'll settle down when I settle down. If that's meant to be 30, fine. If that's meant to be next year, then so be it (though GB would really need to step it up a notch here). If finding a mate for life is just not in the cards for me, fine too, I'll learn to deal because I would have to (though I hope this isn't the case).

That's all fine and dandy, but I worry that I'll never shake this habit of wandering eyes and mind, even when I have settled down, whenever that may be. I keep telling myself that I just haven't found the right person, that with the right person, I won't think adulterous thoughts. But less than 50% of me actually believes that. I worry that I will always harbor these thoughts.

Does everyone feel this way? Or do most people who marry really entertain no thoughts of other men? I wish I knew.

my manquarium

I got the link from Girl Dates London and built my own manquarium. I have to say that this is absolutely hilarious. Basically you build a man of your dreams, and he swims around saying cheesy things to you and even knocks on the glass.

My favorites so far:

"If a genie granted me three wishes, I'd wish for you, me, and a seahorse built for two."
"Goddess, if you left me, this manquarium would overflow with my tears."

Wow, this is fun. I'm essentially just sitting here with headphones in, listening to the manquarium guy pay me compliments. I am Goddess after all. hahahaha

so the boy has mono

Back when GB was being whiny about about sick, and I just wanted to cry about Key, we didn't know what was wrong with him. His symptoms got better for a few days, and we thought he'd gotten over whatever weird infection he had, but he ended up getting much worse and finally went back to the doctor yesterday, and they diagnosed him with mono after a blood test.

This whole time, he's thought that it may be mono, but my question was where he would have gotten mono? I've never had mono, but he claims that sometimes people can be carriers of mono without even knowing it. That seemed really unlikely to me, but okay whatever.

I guess the good thing is that since we now know what's wrong with him, he can't go on complaining and whining about not knowing what's wrong with him. At some point, I lost my empathy and compassion for his getting sick because I couldn't stand all the whining. I wanted to tell him to just suck it up, and all he would do is mope and drag his feet and whine and act more pathetic because he can't help it; he's sick.

*sigh*

So I wonder if I'll get sick, too, because I really have never had mono. I don't believe that I would have gotten mono and not reacted to it, or have had it and chalked it up to a normal cold. If I do get sick with mono, especially now that summer's setting in, I am going to be very resentful. Yet, I know I can't get mad at him; he couldn't help it. But then who DO I get mad at? The world, for my terrible luck?

parents

Relationship with the 'rents have been extremely down lately. I call my parents once a week, on Sundays. Sometimes we talk for a long time; other times it's a mere minute or two just to say hi, to check in. About three weeks ago, I had a really long conversation with my parents. This was maybe just a couple of week or so after my laying it out for my mom why RC and I broke up. I laid out for my mom how the biggest reason I am in grad school was for them (which is partially true), and how I really don't want to be in school, and school and research in general make me unhappy.

She seemed really surprised, asking me "But, I thought you wanted to go to grad school." *sigh* Such ignorance and injustice. That pretty much opened up all the flood gates, and I proceeded to tell her that she and dad never listened to what I wanted.

She used to always ask me "Why wouldn't you go to grad school? Why wouldn't you try to get the highest degree you can?" Errr .... maybe because getting degrees isn't like picking out apples at the supermarket? Even when I had four job offers on hand my fourth year in college, when I told them that I didn't want to apply to grad schools anymore, that I want to take one of the job offers and just see how I feel about school in a couple of years, their response was that I can't let go of the opportunity of grad school. If I don't even apply, I won't have that door open for me, and especially since I'd always wanted to go to grad school (a sentiment they forced on me). *sigh* Such ignorant bullshit.

At one point, I remember telling my mom about my thoughts of going with one of the consulting job offers and going to business school after a couple of years or so. She seemed okay with the idea, but her first question was "How does an MBA compare to a PhD? Are they at the same level?" All she cared about was the level of education I needed to attain, not the practicality of it. After my dad told her that a MBA is a MASTERS degree, god forbid, she decided that MBAs were no good because they weren't PhDs.

Her next project was to get me to get a finance/management PhD. "Why go just for the MBA? Why not get the PhD?" Errrr .... maybe because the only reason you get a PhD is if you want to teach and do research in finance, and I wouldn't NEED a PhD to be a banker. She is so ignorant, yet so insistent on what she feels is the pinnacle of education: the highest degree possible, the elusive doctorate.

Throughout my phone conversation with her, what my mom just couldn't seem to fathom was how this could possibly be? She was flabbergasted that I never told them before that I didn't really want to go to grad school, and how can this be true when I've never told them before? I never told them because I didn't want to get more lectures about how I've strayed from the path of education and knowledge. Whenever I questioned grad school, they always asked me because how I can be content with just a B.S. when I know there is MORE out there? They are blinded by the status of a PhD.

So now my relationship with my parents are a bit strained. I feel awkward talking to them. I figure time will help, because no matter what happens, they're still my parents. However, given this and the conversation about RC, I just feel much less willing to talk to them about things. They think about problems in a completely different light than I do, and theirs isn't necessarily helpful. It's too conservative, too ignorant.

And yet another part of me feels terrible for having brought about this rift between me and my parents. I don't want to resent them, and I don't want them to know that I resent them. *sigh* So it turns out that my parents are typical Asian parents after all: they simply can't let go and allow me to make my own decisions.

Crying about Key

You know, I really thought I was over that shit, done, no more. Key tells me he's uncomfortable talking to me, but he does want me to be happy. I'm curious as to why he's uncomfortable, but not curious enough to write him back. Now it's been some two or three months later, and I still haven't wrote him back, nor talked to him at all. I really thought I was done.

But here I go again crying about him. Sunday, he graduated law school. Not a peep from him, not even a "hey, I graduated, here's my new information". Nothing. Maybe I'm expecting too much; maybe it's still too early to send out new contact information emails. I just keep envisioning/daydreaming situations in which he and I will meet again (maybe a mutual friend visiting town), and he will see how fabulous I look and how incredibly stable I am and just how fun and happy I am, all without him in my life. Then I cry at the irony of my wanting him to see my stability without him, right after I cried about him graduating law school. Yes, I am incredibly stable right now.

It doesn't help that GB's been sick with this mysterious disease that no one can diagnose, and whose only symptoms are a low fever and a massive headache. He's been like this since last Wednesday. At first I was supportive and there for him and fed him soup and told him "awww baby, I just want you to get better." But after a whole five days of that with no inkling of him getting better, I started to get annoyed. Partially because GB was getting whinier by the minute, partially because it was just a crappy rainy weekend and Key was graduating on Sunday.

The whole being against social conventions thing is starting to grate on my nerves too. At one point, GB said that he'd take me to a nice restaurant if I get x, y, and z done this week. Already annoyed, I asked him what he meant by a nice restaurant, and that started a whole argument (he called it a discussion) about our differences and how I like fancy restaurants, but his definition of nice is somewhere that's not the local Chili's.

This didn't help the crying over Key, because Key was always so good about wanting to get all dressed up and taking me out some place nice. Sure, he always did it for my birthday, or Valentine's Day, or an anniversary, but sometimes he'd just do it for fun. GB would never do that, not even for special occasions like my birthday. He told me that I should go do things I like with my friends, like go with them to fancy restaurants if that's what I really want to do. But come on, nice restaurants are meant to be shared with that special someone :(

i think this is how easy it's supposed to be

My recreational ultimate team has our league tournament coming up this weekend. It's always an all-day affair. I mentioned it to GB last night (Gchat Boy, or Great Britain, depending on your fancy), and half-jokingly asked in a cutesy way, "Do you wanna come be a spectator at my tournament?"

To my surprise, he very automatically said "Yeah, definitely, I'll come to your tournament." I then tried to deter him with all kinds of potential hurdles: "well, it's all day", "well, it's not in the city", "well, you have to drive a ways out there".

Still with no hesitation, no wishy-washyness, he rejected all my hurdles. So easy. He just wants to come out and support me in something that I love to do.

This reminds me of two years ago when I did my first triathlon. I asked Key if he would come cheer on me and my relay team. His first reaction was "Why? What am I going to do there? I'm just going to stand there on the side of the street looking like an idiot waiting for the one split second your teammates run by."

I think GB's reaction is the way that it should be. I shouldn't be fighting to get the support of someone who claims to love me.

redefining the DTR

Having played the dating game too much, I wait in line for the society-decided conventional signs of showing interest, just so that I can return the same signs in female form to show my own interest, and the game goes back and forth, except it's not really a game but something both sides have rehearsed numerous times.

Gchat Boy defies all convention: dating convention, social convention (well, he does the basic stuff), life convention, all convention. No surprise then, that there was no DTR--Define The Relationship--conversation between us. What surprised me more was my acceptance of this, me being the control freak that I am who must know exactly where things stand, where things are going, whether or not we're exclusive.

Without discussing any of that, we sort of just fell into a groove, and at some point, he said "my girlfriend", and that was that.