the consultant

I think this will be the last of the backdrop stories before most everything is up to date. This one is about Mr. Consultant. Mr. C and I met online, my first actual online dating experience. At first, I was really digging things and marveling at how great online dating was in bringing together people who are both single, looking for similar things in a relationship, and looking for each other.

Mr. C and I first started exchanging emails about a couple of months ago, which then moved on to Instant messenger. He lives in town, but gets shipped out to New York Monday through Friday because of his job (consulting). Since I was going out of town almost every single weekend from July 4 to mid-August, this made it a bit difficult for us to get together. We managed, though, a couple of times. First date was in a swanky steakhouse (we ran up a $250+ tab on dinner for two, yikes); second date he cooked for me at his place.

I should have gotten a clue then. I told my friend right after we set up the second date that I was a little bit nervous because I really don't know this guy and here I was going over to his house for dinner. She didn't think it was too out-of-the-ordinary. In fact she said that a lot of guys cook on second dates now because it's romantic, and it's a chance for them to impress the girl. That made sense, so I believed her and went along with it.

Thus here I was, dating this guy whom I'd met online. He was the first Asian guy whom I have found attractive enough with enough personality to date in a long time. He was assertive when he needed to be; he knew the right things to do, the things to say when, and he certainly wasn't shy despite being a total dork. So, I would say that things were going really well.

All except that he never gave me any space what-so-ever, and I should have known his asking me over to cook for me on a second date was him moving things along a little TOO fast.

As long as I was on IM, he would IM me. During the day when I'm at school, he would IM me things about his co-workers. At night when I'm at home listening to music and doing stuff on the internet, he would IM me to tell me about how hungry he was at 10pm at night. He IMed me so much so that I stopped signing onto IM. This didn't stop him.

I use gmail for all of my mail (every account I have forwards mail to gmail so that I can keep it all in one place). He also has gmail. When I stopped signing onto AIM, he started im-ing me via Google talk. So much so that I became afraid of checking my email because I was afraid that as soon as I logged on to check my email, he would google talk me.

Then came the text messages. At first it was kind of cute. I'd wake up in the morning and find a text from him: "Wake up sleepy head!" or I'd be staying late on-campus, and I'd get a text from him, "I'm going to dinner with friends." Or randomly when I'm out shopping, he'd text, "I'm so hungry!" The little things were cute initially; they made me feel like I was a part of his life. But only for a couple of days. The mundane texts never stopped coming. I would literally get a text at 11am from him saying "I'm so hungry!" followed by a text at 12pm saying "I'm going to lunch, yay!" followed by a text at 1pm: "oh man, I think i have food coma!"

I started dreading my phone vibrating me telling me that I have a new text. I would look at the text, see that it was from him, grit my teeth, roll my eyes, and just all-in-all be very frustrated. Then i would go talk to my one girlfriend whom knew about Mr. C to tell her just how ridiculous Mr. C's latest text was.

I didn't want to be a part of his life that much.

Plus, he ran up quite a bill on my cell phone. My bill still goes to my dad, who emailed me the other day to tell me that I had gone over my monthly text allowance by 136 texts. This is 136 over the 200 texts I get per month on my plan. So he ran up 336 texts on my phone in one month. That's some 10 texts a day. Yeah. And they are stuff I have no idea how to respond to. What do you say back to a guy who texts "I'm hungry!" almost every single day ???

So gradually, I no longer enjoyed the time that we spent together. It didn't help that every time I spent time with him, I felt like he wanted more of my time. I got the feeling that if I were to just give the okay, we would spend every minute of the weekend he's in town together. Not to mention I felt pressure from him to stay the night (to sleep, nothing else ... at least I wouldn't have allowed anything else). On multiple occasions, he asked, "you sure you can't just stay here tonight?" I thought it was kind of creepy and presumptuous, but I suppose it could have been sweet-/well-intentioned.

Essentially, things came down to my feeling very smothered and suffocated by him. I would go out with my friends and get some 10 texts from him in the course of the night. Part of that was my fault in advocating this initially. Because I was interested, and thought it cute that he would text me, I would text back, and we'd go back and forth several rounds, despite my being at a concert or in a club or at a bar. I did this for a couple of nights, and then everything became very old very quickly. But he never seemed to see any problems with it. Thus he continued to text me, IM me, gtalk me ... and I stopped responding, stopped signing onto IM, started putting up the red "busy" interdit symbol as my gstatus.

I think he kinda got the hint that something was going on when we made plans for dinner on a Saturday night, and I told him that "Sure, but I'm going out with some friends afterwards." I had actually considered asking if he wanted to come out with us, but I was really torn on the situation. I wasn't sure I wanted to introduce this guy into my friend circle yet, and given all the drama and hooking up in my friend circle, I think that I was more unready for my friend circle to know about him. In the end, I didn't invite him out, and I left him by himself around 10pm on a Saturday night so that I could go out with my friends without him.

Thinking back, that was pretty bad, but I also wasn't having a very good time with him because we were always talking about his work, or the new car he wanted to buy, or why this thing or that thing or the other thing in his life is such a "killer", his favorite adjective. 20 minutes after I left, he texted me "I got roped into seeing snakes on a plane at midnight. see what happens when you leave me alone?" I just rolled my eyes because I couldn't believe that he was texting me TWENTY minutes after I left.

Later that night, after my friends and I left the bar after last calls, we went to a burrito place that stays open late. Sometime around 2:30am, he texts me "it was terrible!" referring to the movie. Okay Mr. C, too much texting. Please just leave me alone.

Here is where the passive aggressiveness started. He would IM me, I would take 5+ minutes to respond to each exchange, and after a few lines I would tell him "sorry, I've got to run. I have a meeting."

Oh my god, I just remembered more. So part of the reason I started this blog was to get away from people who can google my name and come across the blog associated with my name on my own domain. I think he did something like this and thus found my other blog. I knew that he was reading my blog because I have a tracker on that blog, and he inadvertently, during one of our IM conversations, dropped a key piece of information about his mode of internet connection that allowed me to piece two-and-two together essentially and know exactly which IP belongs to him, so I always knew when he was reading my blog.

He did this for several weeks without mentioning a thing, which was fine. I understand the awkwardness of having googled someone and not wanting them to know lest they think you a creepy weird stalker but still being curious that you want to read what they have to say. However, Mr. C's problem was that he would use the information on my blog to make himself look better in conversations with me.

Here's an example. I was very stressed out at points this summer, particularly because I wasn't taking enough time to be by myself to just enjoy quiet life. So one of my blog entries was about needing time for myself. The next time I saw Mr. C, after I checked my blog tracker to see that he had indeed read the entry on needing time for myself, he asked how I was doing. I said that I was kinda stressed out, and Mr. C says, "Gosh Mini, I'm worried about you. You really need to take some time for yourself. Sometimes you just need to be by yourself."

Basically, he repeated back to me what I wrote on my blog. I could only think "How manipulative of you, Mr. C! You're hoping that I will think you so perceptive by telling me the exact things that I was thinking enough to put in my blog." If only he knew that I was aware of what he was up to the whole time ... wow, I can't even imagine having that conversation.

The way this all ended:

I think he picked up on the fact that I may be losing interest. Why else would I always run off with a "meeting" or "work" a few minutes after he IMs me? He sent me an email a couple of weeks ago:

Hey Mini,

Is everything okay? I've felt a little guilty after our conversations lately, cause I feel like I'm stressing you out by taking up time that you could've spent doing something else... if you need your space, just let me know...I understand how when times are busy/stressful even people you want to be around can seem kinda suffocating...I always have a great time whenever we hang out; sometimes it seems so fleeting because of our schedules, but it definitely makes me look forward to the next time =)

Anyway, drop me a line when you get a chance. I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking (and was wondering what you were thinking too), and I figured e-mail would be a little less intrusive than an IM or a text. Hope you have a good day =)

- Mr. C

Just now, reading over the email, it actually sounds much sweeter than when I first read it. When I first read it, I was furious, mostly out of just sheer frustration that he would keep trying to invading my space. I was also really puzzled as to why an e-mail was less intrusive than IM/text. I really wanted to shoot an email back along the lines of "Mr. C, you're right. I really need my space right now. I'll talk to you later."

Anyways, so I didn't want to say anything over email, so I called him that night. My friend helped me come up with a script that I typed out in front of me so that I would remember what I wanted to say and how to say it. I small talked for a while with "how was work today?" etc. etc. To Mr. C's credit, he is actually pretty perceptive. After a few minutes of small talk, he point blankedly asked, "So are you calling because of my email today?" which made it easy for me to transition into my scripted schpeal.

I essentially told him that I really needed space right now because I am really busy, I have very little time, and that I just don't have time/energy for dating. He asked me "What do you mean by you need some space? Do you want to take things slow? Or do you want to just be friends?"

I hate the phrase "let's just be friends," so I was trying to avoid that, but he pretty much made me say it. So I did, and he was understanding, accepting, and said "sure, no problem. I am fine with whatever you decide to do. I'm also not completely closing the door here either. I know that you are pulled in too many directions right now and that you are really stressed out, so I totally understand you needing to take some time for yourself."

So that's how this fiasco with Mr. C ended. Except he still texts and IMs me. Not as much as before, but just the other night I got a text from him about business school (I was out at a club with friends around 11:30pm on a Thursday night). A couple of days ago, he sent me a link to his photo album of his new corporate apartment in manhattan. Tonight, he IMed me about more business school stuff.

And he still reads my blog.

But at least we're not dating anymore, so I feel no obligations to actually entertain his immense need for attention.

my friend with benefits

Back in April, when I started dating J, he introduced me to a group of his friends. At the time there was a bit of drama within the group with this guy Y and this girl M. They'd been really good friends ever since meeting about 2 years ago, and back in April, both had recently split from serious relationships. Y then wanted to take the relationship beyond friendship, M went along with it for a while, but in the end decided that she needed to be on her own for a while. So Y & M went back to being just friends, with Y being pretty upset about the situation.

During this time, J and I broke up, and I started developing feelings for Y. J and I remained friends, and the group of people he introduced me to, we all geled together into a "clique." My feelings for Y grew, but I really held things back and tried to convince myself otherwise because J and Y are such good friends, and I saw potential for some seriously strained friendships.

Basically, to make a long story short, Y and I started fooling around without any of the others in the friend circle knowing. We'd usually stay the night at one of our places once a week or so. The second time we did this, I mentioned something about "maybe we ought to talk about this." I basically ended up telling him that I really like him, and have liked him for a while. He told me that he still has lots of feelings for M, and he's not sure what will happen to that, and he feels that he's not completely over that saga of his life.

From that point on, we never talked about anything anymore, and we became purely friends with benefits. We'd booty call each other (well, he did most of the calling), fool around for a night, and go back to being regular friends the next morning. Other people in our friend circle kinda caught on to what was happening anyways, but nobody talked about it nor acknowledged it. I did talk to J face to face, to tell him what was going on between Y and me, just to make sure he would be okay with it. He was, and it turned out Y and him had talked already too.

And so that carried on for about two months, and somewhere during this process, I realized that I didn't really like Y anymore. This made me happier because I felt like he was only in the relationship for the physical benefits, and my being on the same page would ensure that there would be no expectations unmet, feelings hurt feelings, and we kinda just settled into this routine of a no-strings-attached physical relationship.

The part that I felt bad about was that I was seeing other people during this time. For example, Y would call me to ask what I was doing Sat night, and if I want to go over and "watch a movie." I would have a date with another guy Sat night, so I would tell Y, "sure, I'm going out to dinner with some people. I'll give you a call and swing by when I'm done." I felt a bit shady having dinner with one guy and then sleeping in Y's bed later in the same night.

I knew that if any of the guys I was actually dating romantically became something more serious, I would have to talk to Y and end the sleep-overs. But nothing ever panned out seriously, so Y and I continued our friends-with-benefits thing. I am actually surprised to say that I have absolutely no emotional feelings for Y. If he were to ask to date me now, I don't think I would do it, despite having been so incredibly attracted to him earlier this summer.

So two nights ago (Wed night), Y calls me to see how I'm doing (I register it as a booty call). I say that I'm stressed out, busy, etc. etc., and I ask how he's doing. He told me that he and M had just had the longest conversation ever sorting out a lot of the tensions/issues still left between them. He sounded really exhausted by the conversation. I wanted to ask him, "do you want to talk about it?" but by then he had already changed the topic. One thing he did say was, "Finally I think that chapter of my life is done."

He then went on to ask me if I want to get dinner sometime, and I told him I'd be free probably Friday night, so he said he would call me Friday (today). He hasn't called yet, and it's already 6pm.

So this got me wondering if he was thinking of taking our relationship further, beyond friends with benefits to a more emotional/romantic relationship. This was a bit worrisome because I don't really want an actual relationship with him.

Ironically, M and I had agreed to get lunch together today. She and I have gotten to be pretty good friends over the course of the summer. (I know all of you are probably raising your eyebrows right now wondering what the heck is wrong with people in this friend circle, why we all hook up with each other and then still are friends with no awkwardness).

M and my lunch convo revolved around Y. She told me a little bit about the conversation she and Y had wednesday night, the mother of all conversations that basically ended everything (I didn't tell her that Y had also mentioned the convo). Then I asked her if things would be awkward between her and Y now, and she said she hoped not, and used J and me as an example. She said that she wanted things between her and Y to be exactly like how J and I ended up.

At one point, she mentioned that Y told her we were dating, which threw me off a little because I never thought of Y and I as dating. Dating has very different connotations from friends-with-benefits. So that was another worrisome fact ...

Now, I'm not sure what to do. It's 6:23pm, Y still hasn't called about dinner. Should I call him? I don't want to because in case he is wanting to make things into more of a romantic relationship, I don't really want to be sending positive signals like my calling him. But then do I just wait around until I get really hungry?

A mutual friend is having a little gathering at her place later tonight (around 9:30pm), and Y forwarded me the invitation, so I know he was planning to go to that. Maybe I should just call and make plans to go to that later and not even mention the dinner ...

Irish

And the chronicles continue with Irish ...

Irish and I met in January, taking a snowboarding class that was offered through our school together. I remember meeting him on the bus and thinking, "I wonder if he'll become a character in my life." Sure enough, by the end of the first lesson, we were talking like we'd known each other for years.

By January, I had already dated a couple of guys since the October Breakup that I knew one of the most important criteria for me is that I need to feel like I could talk to him forever. Irish was the epitome of this. I remember we'd spend whole Sunday afternoons walking along the Charles river talking about anything and everything. We'd only stop because either or both of us had something we had to do, an appointment to fulfill. Whenever the time came for us to part, neither one of us would ever want to leave, and we'd try to prolong our conversations as much as possible.

At one point or another, I definitely asked myself what my feelings were toward Irish. Was it just friendship? Was it something more? I felt like we connected so well on our life outlooks, career goals, life priorities, our views on people, that we seemed like we were made for each other. He was a rare soul mate whom I had found.

Except, I wasn't physically attracted to him. As much as I wanted to be so that I could push our relationship toward a romantic one, I just wasn't. So I stopped thinking about Irish in that way, continued to have long, deep, soul-searching conversations with him, but I left our relationship at one of friendship.

And so the days went on, until one night toward the end of February, he confronted me and told me that he was in love with me. He said that he'd pretty much wanted to be with me from the moment he met me, and that he had gone back and forth on his feelings, but in the end knew that he was just in denial about things when he tried to convince himself we were just friends. He wanted to go beyond friendship and take me out on a real date.

Being the typical romantic girl that I was, I found it hard to turn down such an offer. Here was a guy whom I had gotten to know so well, whom I can feel so comfortable around, whom I could talk nonstop to for 7+ hours without even knowing how much time has passed, whom I had such amazing connections with, whom I considered a soul mate ... Here was this guy professing his love for me, how could I possibly turn that down?

I melted and started dating Irish. After a couple of dates however, the physical attraction issue resurfaced for me. I still wasn't physically attracted to him. Irish isn't bad looking: tall, blonde, and best of all, he had an amazing Irish accent. But he's chubby. And chubbiness is one of those traits that I have very low tolerances for (ugh, my superficiality, I know). I remember thinking what it would be like to wake up next to him, and I would always think about the fat that would also be there to greet me, and that became the deal-breaker. I realized that if I couldn't imagine myself happily waking up to him, no matter how great I felt like we connected otherwise, that lack of physical attraction bordering on slight repulsion would always be a thorn that would likely never go away.

I felt terrible about how superficial I was. I struggle a lot with throwing away a chance with an awesome who seemed like the perfect match for me: personality, chivalry, compassion, wit, intelligence, humbleness; he had a good head on his shoulders, had everything I could possibly want in someone I'm dating ... but I just wasn't physically attracted to him AT ALL. In fact, I was a bit repulsed by his chubbiness.

So I told him that things wouldn't work for us romantically, that I only saw him as a friend, and we went back to being friends. We were both mature enough that there was very little awkwardness, and we continued to spend lots of time together as just friends. There was always that little bit of tension though because I knew he still liked me as more than a friend. I want to say that I never used that, but when I look back, I probably did. If I wanted to do something that I was fairly certain none of my friends would want to do, I would call Irish knowing that he would almost certainly go with me.

Irish went home to Ireland for the summer. All summer long, we emailed back and forth, and on multiple occasions he would tell me that he really missed me. Me, I dated a bunch of people all summer long, none of whom things worked out with. Whenever something ended, I would get mildly depressed wondering if I would ever find someone to settle down with before I turn 40. Whenever I got mildly depressed, I would think of Irish and think about how I always had him to be there to take me and to be with me forever if it ever came down to that.

He got back to Boston late last week, and we've hung out tons already. Sunday night, my group of friends went on a cruise around the harbor, which really is just a glorified club on a boat. He came with us and hung out at one of my friends' place afterwards. We were sitting on the floor, and at one point, he saw I was uncomfortable with the pillow I had, so he offered his shoulder and said "you know, my shoulder is much more comfortable." So I laid on his shoulder, and he had his arms around me, and it just felt nice. It felt right.

Last night, we went for another one of our marathon walks around the river. We started around midnight, and we finally went home because it was 4am, and I was starting to fall asleep. We talked about lots of things that were very introspective about ourselves and our relationships with those around us. When we were saying good bye, he gave me a huge hug, and I kind of just paused ... looking up at him. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but part of me really wanted him to lean in and kiss me. I think he wanted to, but he held back out of propriety.

I still don't know what to think about Irish. I feel like I need only to give him the signal, and he and I would be together instantly. But my superficiality won't let me get over the chubbiness. Irish has three brothers, all of whom are tall, lean, blonde, beautiful. Over the last 6 months, I have found myself wishing, on more than one occasion, that Irish could have gotten his brothers' good looks as well.

where to start?

Where do I even begin with the stories? I've decided that this will mainly be my dating blog. Is that weird? To have a blog dedicated to men I date and my over-analysis of situations? Actually, I think I've gotten better about not over-analyzing things, and in general not being all that needy, at least initiatlly anyways.

I guess I'll start with the recent no-go's:

1) Guy who can't take a hint

This is a friend of a friend whom I've actually known for about a year now. We went camping together at the end of July with some mutual friends, and I sensed an interest on his part. Recently he asked me, through email, "maybe we can grab a bite to eat sometime?" I wasn't sure if that was his way of asking me out on a date or just a friend wanting to catch up ... either way, maybe against my better judgement, I agreed.

Throughout dinner, I tried hard to play everything very casually. I even brought up dating as a conversation topic, thinking that to usually be a taboo topic for a date, hoping to show him that I really didn't see this dinner as a date for the two of us. When the bill arrived, I picked up the majority of it because neither one of us had change. I thought all of those hints, especially the bill, were pretty clear that I was not interested in anything more than friendship.

Maybe he talked to a friend who clued him into the fact that he probably should have paid for dinner because he sent me an email a couple of days later, "blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Let me know if you're free this coming week; I'd like to take you out to dinner." Hey, at least he's clear and assertive this time. Too bad it's still email, and too bad I'm still not interested. I shoot an email back "Sorry, I'm busy this week" with no suggestion of an alternative time or activity, thinking that surely this would be hint enough.

A day later, he emails back, "How about next week?" Ugh, I had no choice but to respond "Sorry, I'm busy next week, too." I felt so awkward doing that, and when the hints get to that point, they're not really even hints anymore, they're just euphemisms and my avoiding actually saying the dreadful "let's just be friends." I think he finally got the hint because I haven't heard back from him since that last email.

2) Guy who thinks he's a good cook

This guy was pretty smooth. I've known him for maybe a couple of months, and we ran into each other at the campus pub a couple of weeks ago. He kept telling how great of a cook he is as we talked, and I was trying not to engage him, so I just kept saying "oh, that's cool" and just leaving the conversation at that. Somewhere during our convo, he asked me for my number (this is the smooth part). As copied from my other blog:

him: You’ve been text messaging all night.
me: yeah, I know. It’s fun.
him: I feel like I should pull out my phone and text you
me: haha
him: but I don’t have your number
me: …

I didn't give him my number, but because we knew each other from stuff around campus, he knew my email and emailed me the next day: "I don't think you believed me last night when I said I was a good cook, so I'd like to invite you over for dinner sometime and try it out first hand. I'm free THIS day and THIS day, let me know what works for you."

I emailed back and said "Don't worry, I believed you when you said you're a good cook. I won't make you prove it :) I'll see you around campus!"

He got the hint.

3) Guy 2 degrees removed

I have a childhood friend in town who is a bit of a princess who calls me a lot to hang out. I don't do it often because she's very high maintenance, but finally some friends and I were going out to a club a Friday night three weeks ago, so I called her to invite her along. She brings her boyfriend, and also 3 of her boyfriend's friends. I kinda hit it off with one of the bf's friends, who asks me for my number by the end of the night.

He waited until mid-week to call, and asked me to do drinks/dinner on Friday night. I already had plans, so I suggested Sunday brunch instead, and he agreed. He picks me up (in his beamer), and we go get brunch. At the end, we split the bill. Maybe it's my southern upbringing, but a guy who doesn't foot the bill on a first date doesn't make a great impression with me. It wasn't even expensive ($10 a person for food, tax, tip, everything), AND he works. Anyways, I wasn't really feeling any chemistry anyways, so I wasn't expecting any more meetings.

He left town for a family vacation the day after our brunch date and just got back early this week. He called on Wednesday; I screened his call, and he left a voice mail saying that he's back in the US and was wondering what my plans for the weekend are, and maybe we can get together sometime. I never called him back, which I feel pretty terrible about. (I hate being a flake, and not calling back is being a flake ... but what else could I have done?)

motivation

The motivation for this blog stems from my need for anonymity, a place for me to document those thoughts and events that I don't want my acquaintances to read about, a place where I can complain about people without fearing that they may read the story.

Why didn't I just start a diary?

1) Select close friends will know about this blog, and I plan to use some aspects of posts to update them on what is going on in my life (particularly my dating life)

2) One of the main draws of blogs is the community of readers who mutually comment and keep track of each others' lives. I like that, and I can't do that with a private diary.

So what's with MINICHAMP? It's something that my ex-boyfriend called me. This is the ex-boyfriend, the love of my life, the person I thought I was going to marry, and whom I thought would propose this summer. It turned out that after 2.5 years together, during which time, neither one of our religious beliefs changed, he finally told me that he didn't think he could marry someone non-Christian. So what the hell were you thinking the past 2.5 years??

But I guess deep down, I still want to believe that I'm a minichamp ... a bit of a feisty champion (don't let my size fool you). So here I am, navigating the world of men and dating afresh since the Breakup last October. Here are the chronicles. My only regret is that I didn't start writing this blog this sooner. So many good stories gone.