well it's not over

Teammate has completely gone off the deep end with her stuff, getting extremely mad at Work Women for not accommodating her needs. I don't really understand, so I am in general staying out of things. But then today, I happen to look on Teammate's Facebook page, and it is full of negative, nasty, angry rants toward Work Women. I feel these are wholly unjustified, so maybe I am taking sides. Ugh.

In other news, I went to a party last night with some Friendly Frisbee People. FFP should totally be an acronym. I saw some folks I hadn't seen in a while, and met some new people. Mostly, I chatted with this guy who I played on the same team with earlier this summer at a beach tournament. He was pretty quiet, but super nice at the tournament. At the party, the told me a tons more about himself, and it was all very interesting. I left thinking maybe he would be interested in me.

Today, I got the below email from him:

Hi Seine,

I'm glad we got to hang out at the party last night. I'd suspected you might be kinda awesome. I'd definitely like to get together with you sometime soon, but this week promised to be just shy of full-tilt manic ....

...

I noticed on Facespace (by coincidence) that you're away this weekend. Can I promise to give you a call later this week, when you have a phone*, so we can make plans?

And now I feel trapped again by HB. This was the feeling I had before. I feel like I wasn't ready to give up my single life yet, and committing to him forced me to do so. At some point a couple of weeks ago, I wanted to write in here and exclaim, "REMEMBER WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!! I WANT TO BE WITH HB FOREVER!!"

But obviously, I never got around to writing it. And it's unclear how much that would have actually helped me. I definitely feel more trapped today than I do most days, and maybe it's the temptations offered by this innocent email of simple attraction from a not-unattractive male.

*yes, I lost my phone this past week and in the process of procuring a new one.

gaaaa

I'm kinda sick of writing about HB and Broadway and relationships. HB and I did get back together, about 1.5 days after we broke up. I don't even know why we broke up. though the reasons I wrote last week for breaking up haven't changed for the most part. They just don't really seem that big of a deal and possibly exacerbated by distance. He has been working his way productively through those two issues, though, which is good. Bleh, may write more later.

Broadway made some huge steps this week. He disauthorized me on his Google Calendar. He blocked me on Gchat. And he left Facebook altogether. Of course I'm sad, but I'm also glad to see him making progress, and if that's what he needs to do, that's what he needs to do.

Other life issues have been consuming me in the meantime. This crazy drama came up involving an older woman whom I work with and a frisbee teammate of mine. The woman and her husband (both in their 50s) own a house in Providence, but both hold jobs in Boston. It's two 1-hour commutes a day from Providence to Boston, oftentimes 1.5-hours with all the heavy traffic, and they finally got sick of it and wanted to rent a room in/around Boston to stay in during the week. My 30-year-old frisbee teammate happened to have a room open up in her house, so I connected them, and everyone got along, and this woman and her husband became my teammate's new roommates. They've now been roommates for about 6 months.

I should say that I love everyone involved in this situation. I love my teammate, though she has serious emotional and self-image issues, and I absolutely love love love the woman whom I work with. I've only met her husband a handful of times, but he always seemed like a good guy, and they seemed to have a great relationship.

Last week, while Work Woman was traveling for work, her husband decided to have a heart-to-heart with my Frisbee Teammate. He told Frisbee Teammate that he's attracted to her and wondered if she had the same feelings for him. She told him no, and that was basically the extent of the conversation. I saw Frisbee Teammate the next evening at our twice-a-week evening game, and she couldn't stop crying as she told me the story of what had happened. She is completely creeped out, she feels threatened, she had anxiety attacks all day, and she is afraid to go home.

I empathized with her feelings and offered her my place to crash (which she turned down), and supported her decision to ask Husband and Work Woman to move out. Frisbee Teammate sent a very angry email to Husband requesting this and basically chewed him out for having done this to her. She feels very wronged and victimized in the situation and told him so.

Husband agreed to all of Teammate's requests, is moving out and also paying an extra months' rent so that Teammate has ample time to find someone else to fill the empty room. In addition, he told Work Woman what had happened, and they are now going to therapy to work on their relationship.

I definitely felt a bit lost, caught in some kind of weird triangle. Teammate confided in me, but it also involves Work Woman, whom I work closely with and absolutely adore. I felt wrong that I knew all these details of something that's obviously very private between Work Woman and her Husband and at first wasn't sure how to approach it. I finally went up to Work Woman on Monday to give her a hug, and she broke down a little, and we talked about how hurt she was and how much she doesn't understand why this happened. She said that Husband was horrifyingly embarrassed and claims that he has learned his lesson and knows that he made a HUGE mistake in approaching Teammate about this instead of talking to his wife.

As this week progressed, Work Woman in trying to better understand her husband's actions, asked Teammate for her side of the story, just to make sure everything lines up with what Husband had told Work Woman. Teammate's response was that she does not feel comfortable talking about it and telling Work Woman everything, especially now that Work Woman is obviously staying with Husband and trying to make their marriage last. Teammate also told Work Woman that she doesn't understand why Work Woman would want to stay with Husband after all of this, to give him another chance, and to try to preserve their 15-year marriage.

As I mentioned, Teammate has some serious emotional and self-image issues, many of them related to her disastrous history with men and relationships. Her response to this situation was definitely an over-reaction. I'm not saying she shouldn't be upset, but her feelings of victimization are a bit extreme. She does not want to talk to or see Husband or to have him ever step foot in her house (not surprising), and she also insists that Husband could not have possibly told Work Woman everything (not surprising given her general distrust of men, but is essentially paranoia). This of course made Work Woman question her husband's integrity and honesty. She wondered if a lot more happened (like did he try to touch Teammate, did he actually proposition something), and if Husband was still keeping things from her.

On top of this, Teammate sent a really nasty email to Work Woman (bcc'ing me, why??) with requests such as: "You need to move all of your stuff out of the room Saturday night because that's the only night when I won't be there." I felt deeply sorry for Work Woman after reading the email. Teammate's harsh email was a bit uncalled for, but not surprising given her general fragile emotional state. But it just further adds distrust and stress to Work Woman whose Husband did something very very stupid, but did not ultimately break the sanctity of their marriage in any way.

Work Woman asked me today if I would listen to her and what Husband told her and let her know if there were discrepancies with Teammate's story. I did, and Husband did indeed tell her everything. Like I guessed, Work Woman was very concerned with Teammate's discomfort at telling her side of the story. That indeed led Work Woman to further question whether or not Husband told her the whole truth.

On the other hand, Work Woman very intuitively wondered how much of Teammate's reaction to the whole situation from beginning to end was a result of Teammate's past, and how much of it was actually in response to what Husband said to Teammate. I assured Work Woman that a majority of Teammate's reaction stems from Teammate's chaotic history with men, and that her reaction is a bit of a disconnect from what actually happened. I believe that Husband has told Work Woman everything, and I told her I am glad that they were working on healing their relationship. They obviously have some problems they need to work out in their relationship, but they love each other, and this situation has forced them them to take a look at those problems so they can be better together. And that is a good thing, as unfortunate as the situation was that led to this evaluation.

I hope this saga for me has finally come to an end. I still feel for Teammate, but I find it hard to counsel Teammate in any way. She does not take advice well and has very different ideas about men than I do. I'm not sure there is anything that I can do for her except to listen, which I have done so far. I don't share her distrust for men, and sometimes it feels like she just wants to wallow in her own negative thoughts and wants someone to provide redemption that her hatred of men is warranted and rational. I don't share that view, and it's especially hard because I feel that she is in denial about her own prejudices against men.

As for Work Woman, I feel so much better that she feels better after our conversation today, and I do think we relate to each other well. In the end, I am really glad that I could be there for Work Woman because I know Teammate so well and can help explain some of the reasoning behind Teammate's actions and let Work Woman know that most of it has nothing to do with Husband but rather an entire line of men in Teammate's past who has hurt her and deceived her and done who knows what else to her.

Whew. Putting this behind me now.

Well, that didn't last long

HB's visit to Boston was phenomenal, so fantastic that I didn't have time to write because I wanted to spend every minute with him. While he was here, we also decided to give us a shot. Yes, we defined the relationship. He became my man (which I think sounds better than boyfriend), and I became his girl(friend).

Unfortunately, all that shimmers in this world is sure to go away. So on August 2nd, HB flew back to Beijing. At first, things were still going well. Then he became consumed by the idea of moving back to the US and the accompanying job search process. Then I became a ball of panic regarding my grad school situation and just when exactly I'll be able to graduate.

All of this came to a head yesterday. And we broke up.

My reasoning was that we were not the right influences for each other. I have a hard time motivating myself and want a partner who can help to provide me with motivation, and/or talk me into having more internal motivation. I felt that HB wasn't that person and thus not providing the support that I really need right now. With him then being 7000 miles away, it seemed pointless to pursue a relationship. I'm not getting anything out of it, and he's not close enough to hold me and f- me to make it worthwhile.

He on the other hand feels just as lost as I am in terms of looking for a job that would be along the lines of his current career trajectory. On top of that, he came to realize a couple of things about himself that are very big issues that he needs to work out. The potential conclusion from his working out these issues could very well be that I am no longer the right person for him. I don't know if I can stick around to help him through these issues providing all the support that I can, only to have him tell me in the end that he can't be with me.

These issues, by the way, are completely out of my control. Issue #1 is with his mother, feeling that she's always let him down his whole life. Issue #2 is with his sexuality, feeling that he might be gay or bisexual. Bisexual I can deal with. Gay is obviously a dealbreaker.

So we're done. We're through. Exactly a month after we officially started dating (July 17), we broke up. Maybe this isn't forever, and maybe we've become one of those troubled couples who go through multiple cycles of breaking up and getting back together ... but that doesn't seem all that healthy, does it?

Either way, that's it. I'm back to being single. I miss him, a lot, but I don't cry about HB the way that I cried about Broadway. Maybe that's because I've known Broadway for so much longer.

My next goal is to soul search. Find the values that are core to my needs as a woman and core to my needs in a partner. I'm not ruling out that HB can be that partner (yes, I do think we will get back together), but I need to know what I want in a partner without a current partner whose very status as my partner jeopardizes my objectivity.

Grrrr, sometimes I do wish I weren't such a nerdy engineer. Love isn't so objective and logical after all. If only I could not over-analyze everything.

New developments

I've been working like crazy the last week or so in preparation for my meeting with my advisor this morning. It looks like I am on track to graduate soon-ish. What a relief. I just want to get out of this place. Granted, I took some time off with the whole China stint, but this coming September still marks the 7th year from when I started this program back in 2004. Yikes, that's a long time.

In other news, HB is going to be in Boston in less than an hour!

I know. Craziness.

It started with that commitment we talked about where I can look, but I can't touch. Then he found an awesome flight deal on Air Canada to fly from Beijing to North America. We contemplated his coming here for a while and decided that we were both super excited about it, so he looked into the Air Canada deal, only to find that they don't have any available flights until late October (what??).

That completely bummed us out. It's one thing to think it an impossibility to see each other. It's another to build up hopes that we can see each other, only to have them utterly dashed.

Since regular fare flights are about $2k from Beijing to Boston roundtrip, he was really iffy on whether or not he would still be able to come to Boston. That's when I stepped in and offered to pay for half his ticket.

His response? "Seriously? Wow, if you're offering that, I would book a ticket in a heartbeat."

Which is exactly what he did, last Tuesday. He timed it coincide with the end of my meeting with my advisor so that we can celebrate together. I can't wait to see him.

Emotions

Today, I feel good about HB. Despite all the uncertainties, I feel that we would make a great couple, and that I want to be with him. How will I feel tomorrow? I don't know.

But today, I felt great, and I told him so in our 5-hour conversation this morning (morning my time, evening his time since Beijing is 12 hours ahead and all). We talked about how I have a pseudo lunch date tomorrow with that guy from this past weekend, and he joked that he will go to sleep early so that he would be asleep during my date as opposed to awake and freaking out.

One thing I really like about HB is that I feel comfortable talking to him. I feel safe telling him just about anything, and we talk so openly about everything. I don't feel judged in my thoughts or actions that I secretly am slightly ashamed by. I just tell him about it, and then we talk about how it affects us and makes both of us feel. It's great. It's the most open I've been with anybody in a relationship, even though we're not technically in a relationship.

His question to me at the end of today's conversation was whether or not I can promise him to not sleep with any guys before we see each other in October. I can go out and flirt all I want and garner all the attention of all the men that I want, but at the end of the day, I can't kiss them, and I can't sleep with them. Anything in the baseball diamond analogy of hooking up would be off-limits, but I can flirt all I want.

I think I can do it ... but I'm afraid I think that today because today I feel good about HB. Maybe tomorrow I will feel like this is all a big mistake.

Who knows? But today I told HB that I would give it a shot. And in essence, I am giving him and me a shot. Long-distance, here I come?

Yikes, I'm freaking out.

the monthly update

As if my life weren't already complicated enough, I just threw in a whole bunch of additional factors this week. The rational, cautious side of me is freaking out. The go-with-the-flow side of me doesn't know what the big deal is: I should just go with the flow.

Broadway and I have been broken up for about a month. I completely moved out 3 weeks ago. I have absolutely loved the independence. But I think about Broadway a lot. I think about all the wrong that I did him, all the pain that I've inflicted on him, and I wish so badly that I could tell him any minute now that I've thought things over and decided that he is the love of my life, now that I've had some time and space to be myself, I've come to realize how big of a mistake it was to push him out of my life.

But I can't say that. And that makes me cry. I miss him, I really do. Most of the time, I can rationalize it away and convince myself that missing him is all a part of any grieving process following a breakup. We were together for more than three years. He came to be a central part of my life, my rock, my partner. I couldn't imagine writing an important email to my advisor/boss/coworker/friend without having him read it, and now I have to write all my emails on my own. He was my best friend, someone I'd go to for advice, someone I'd want to hold me and kiss me and smooth out my hair when I was upset. Someone I would laugh with uninhibitedly. Someone who knew all my faults and insecurities and knew when I was letting them dictate my actions or inactions.

And now I am alone again in this world. Of course I would cry.

But then at times like last week, I feel yet again that I can't live without him. The impulsive side of me wanted to call him to get lunch/coffee/dinner so that we can start dating again and starting fresh. The rational side of me rightfully controlled that urge, and this week I am back to just missing him. Missing him but knowing (for now) that breaking up was the right decision.

HB and I have had our difficulties as well. He wants things. He expects things. He was ecstatic that I am now available and has said all along that he would want to give things between us a shot if/when I become available. Knowing that helped push me through the breakup with Broadway. I think I would have stayed with Broadway otherwise, out of comfort and familiarity.

Now that I am single (it feels weird to say), I find it really hard to start something new with HB. Firstly, it wouldn't be new. We've had so much tumultuous history already, and the foundations of our relationship aren't exactly based on trust and fidelity. Small things about him bother me (yes, it's already gotten to that point), and I find that I don't respect him. Well, that's not true. I respect him as a general person, but I don't respect his intelligence.

Last week when I was impulsively wanting to go back to Broadway, I impulsively wanted to tell HB that we should stop talking to each other. That if it were meant to be, it will happen in the future. Besides, he's in Beijing right now some 7000 miles and 12-hour time difference away.

It made sense at the time: I need space from my previous relationship; I need time to myself; I need to be single and independent and go out and have fun. And with Broadway no longer in the picture, HB's become the new Broadway holding me back from some hypothetical glamorous lifestyle that I would for sure be leading if I didn't feel some connection/guilt to some man halfway around the world.

Besides, my parents already don't like him. My impulsive and irrational mother has already forbade me to pursue anything with "that man in Beijing." Broadway may not have been all that realistic in his lofty ambitions of becoming an Ivy League professor (I always doubted that he would achieve this, which never was very healthy), but at least he was good on paper: Ivy League undergrad, MIT PhD. HB has a psych degree from a small midwestern liberal arts college. I've heard of it, but my parents undoubtedly have not. He has no advanced degrees to speak of (nor any desire for any) and has essentially been puttering around China the last seven years teaching English, worked for an NGOs, and now holds a job (albeit a good one by Asian standards) that only exists for white people in Asia.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't compare HB's paper credentials to Broadway or that the serious differential doesn't bother me. It does, but I think on my own, I can get over it. I'm more worried about my superficial Asian parents.

That aside, HB does add stress to my life right now, which is why I want to cut him out of it. I've made it very clear to him that I am in no position to commit to him right now, and I don't know when I will be able to. He's made it abundantly clear that I am what he wants right now, and he is willing to move back to the States as early as December to make it happen. But even then, he would move back to Chicago (where his family is). While Chicago is much better than Beijing, it's still long-distance. Do I really want to start a relationship long-distance?

Do I really want to start a relationship with HB?

The sex is phenomenal. But a relationship? I don't know.

The additional complication is that I met a couple of new guys this past weekend. Well, one isn't completely new. We have some mutual friends and have met before, but we reconnected when our friend circles collided this weekend. He got my number. He invited a bunch of people to his place Saturday to watch the USA/Ghana game, and we hung out a bunch. We're going to get lunch, just him and me, on Thursday. I feel guilty with regards to HB, and I haven't decided whether or not to tell him.

The second guy was more random: a friend of a friend who happened to be having birthday celebrations at the same bar my friends and I were at. I'm not remotely interested, but somehow got cornered into giving him my phone number. I did tell HB about this and asked for his advice, as a guy, for how a girl should/can get out of giving her phone number graciously.

This conversation made him emotional, and he flipped out a bit thinking about my going out to bars and flirting with guys and giving out my phone numbers. He rightly caught himself, realizing that he was in no place to get jealous about what I was or wasn't doing with other men because he's not my anything.

HB's sister is getting married in Chicago in October. He asked me to go with him a while back, and not knowing any better, I said I would. But I think that is somewhat in limbo right now.

I do want to write in here more often, more frankly. If nothing else, I would have something to go back and read a year from now.

dismantling my life

I am back in Boston, and it's a mess.

Broadway and I are on the verge of breaking up. We are seeing a couples therapist, but my heart isn't really in it. I am moving out in about three weeks, and he slept at a friend's last night.

How did we get here? Let's go back to the HIM in Beijing. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and he couldn't stop thinking about me. The mutual attraction was too much, and we both stayed away as much as we could stand (probably not as much as we should have).

About mid-March, Broadway got the first hint that something wasn't quite right when I told him that I wanted to extend my stay in Beijing for a couple of weeks. What's a couple of weeks, I argued? I was partially motivated by wanting to spend more time with HIM, but told Broadway I just wanted more time in Beijing. In mid-April, I broke the news to Broadway that I was getting cold feet about our getting married, but that we should wait until I get back to Boston to talk more and evaluate.

Meanwhile in Beijing, HE and I made out toward the end of February against our better judgment. A few weeks later, we made out in his bed, in our underwear, against our better judgment. A few weeks after that, a group of us (8 people total, I think) took a trip together, and HE and I shared a fancy hotel room where we just barely missed home plate. Two weeks after that, in mid-April after I told Broadway I was getting cold feet, HE and I slept together.

Then we continued to sleep together all the way until I left for Boston on April 28. We kept count, and fudging a little, we got to 30. 28 with no fudging, but we were shooting for 30 as a birthday present for his 30th.

I didn't tell Broadway right away after getting back, but sort of "let" him discover it (left my computer on during chat with HIM, with Broadway next to me, while I went to the bathroom). Of course Broadway wanted to know who this man was who was calling me "baby" over gchat.

Broadway was angry, hurt, but surprisingly didn't leave. After calming down a bit, he wanted to stay and work things out. That's when we started seeing the therapist, because Broadway wanted me to honestly give things one last shot. We then communicated more honestly than we probably have at any point in our relationship. A lot of hurtful things we may have wanted to say at one point or another came out that we previously held back on, and I think we both understand our relationship a lot better.

So where are we now? We are still seeing the therapist, but we talk so much in between our weekly sessions that the therapist just constantly plays catch-up. I am moving out, and I think that's where Broadway and I see the hard cut off to our relationship.

As for HIM in Beijing (HB?), we emailed, IMed, and talked on the phone a bunch when I first got back, but realized soon that it was unhealthy for both of us and thus agreed on no communications until I figured out all my sh*t with Broadway. HB told me before we cut everything off that once I figured out everything, and if that decision puts me in a position that I am available, he would want to give things between us a shot.

HB also named a caveat to the no-communication rule, that he wanted to hear my voice on his birthday, tomorrow. Otherwise, he wanted me to only call him when I've reached a decision and conclusion about Broadway, whether that was to leave Broadway or that I would stay to try to make things work.

I made the decision to move out last week and found an apartment quickly through a good friend. I thought I could wait until HB's birthday to call and tell him the good news, but I broke down and called him today, a day early.

I have to say that my head is a mess right now, that I am very conflicted about a lot of different things.

It's a very long road ahead.