The men/boys

I might have a job (if I ever graduate). They told me yesterday that they'd like to give me an offer, but with end of the year administrative craziness, the company board won't be able to approve a job offer until January. After the approval, HR will draw up an official offer for me.

Token Male Friend asked me if I felt more focused after this turning point. We've both been suffering from general lack of motivation and often seek each other out for mid-afternoon coffee breaks that turn into dinner into ice cream into any other excuse we can conjure up to avoid doing work. I told him that focus remains to be seen, but yes, perhaps I will be more motivated now to write my thesis.

"You're also addicted to boys," he said. Where'd that come from? I thought we were talking about jobs and finishing grad school?

But it's true. I am addicted to boys.

Special Friend and I had a drunken heart-to-heart after that night at the Cantab. After abruptly leaving our friends, we went back to my place. In between passionate make-out sessions in bed, we laid out a lot of our inner issues. The problem is that Special Friend can't bear his heart unless he is drunk, which usually means that I am also drunk, which then means that I don't remember much of the conversation the following morning.

The things I do remember:

1. He suffers greatly from general anxiety. He presents a suave exterior, but fights daily internal battles fretting, worrying, overanalyzing, and reading too much into things.
2. One of his greatest anxieties is sexual performance. Despite our multiple nights of sleepovers, we've only had sex once, about a week before this Cantab night. He had a really hard time (or rather a soft time). He apologized profusely, repeatedly reassuring me that it's not because I don't turn him on. I remember that he followed it all up quietly with, "This never happens with girls I don't care about."
3. He's intimidated by my self-assured nature, but that's one of the main things that he finds attractive about me. Other qualities include: pretty, smart, athletic, but mostly confident and self-assured.
4. He feels his friends are being unfair when they call him a "heartbreaker," but I don't remember why.
5. He asked me what kind of men I like, and I said "manly man."

In the morning, hoping to continue the soul-bearing while sober, the first thing I said was "So you WERE uncomfortable all those times we hooked up." He didn't take the bait and instead turned the tables.

"I feel like you've gotten me all figured out, but I hardly know anything about you."

"What would you like to know?" I asked.

"What's something you like about yourself?"

After some thought, I came up with, "I can talk to anybody. I don't mind idle chit chat at parties and can usually engage most people in some form of fun conversation."

"What's something you wish you could change about yourself?"

Some more thought, "I wish I could be more empathetic. I often think people should just 'suck it up', and I wish I could see beyond that and be less judgmental."

"How do you feel about me being 25?"

"It bothered me at first, but honestly, I don't think about it anymore. How do you feel about me being 28?"

"I always think older women are sexier, and 28 is the sexiest age."

I laughed. "You're never serious when you're sober."

"I am being serious! I'm tired of breaking young girls' hearts."

He smiled. I rolled my eyes.

"Do you want to go to Wendy's?"

I smiled, leaned over, and gave him a kiss.

Other men to come: the Tall One, the Alum.

Dunning-Kruger

As you all know, HB moved back to Chicago about a month ago (has it really only been a month?). He quickly got a new US phone on the Verizon network and sent me a text within minutes of activating it.

"This message is free since we both have verizon :)"

I replied with a question: "Are texts free between verizon phones too?"

He replied, "Yes! Free texts!"

He'd just gotten his phone and calling plan information from the Verizon store, so who am I to argue? I did bring it up in a later conversation over the phone, adding that I knew in-network calling to be free but was unsure about text. He assured me again that texts were in fact also free between Verizon phones. Wow, sweet!

So HB and I texted each other like maniacs through the month of December in our very complicated undefined non-relationship. I felt a tinge of guilt because Special Friend and I text a lot too, maybe even more than HB and I. But no matter. SF is also on Verizon! Free texts to the world!

Today, Verizon sent me an automated text warning that I am nearing my usage limit. Logging into my account, I see that I have actually already exceeded my SMS limit for the month. Curious, I downloaded the detailed usage data into excel to see who my best texting friends are:

#1: Special Friend

#2: HB

#3: Jabba

#4: Frisbee Buddy

What?? Special Friend and HB top the list? I thought Verizon-to-Verizon texts were free? Why are their texts counting toward my usage limit?

Right around this time, Token Male Friend IMed me on his daily boredom-relieving mission. I started to tell him the story and only got as far as "I thought texts were free between Verizon phones" before he interrupted me to ask, "Who told you that?"

I answered, "HB."

I felt like an idiot as soon as I said it. Token Male Friend's response said it all: he laughed in all caps over IM.

His point? HB is highly un-tech-savvy. I should have known from the start that HB's information regarding anything technology-related would be suspect. TMF called me a silly girl.

Then I got mad. I got inexplicably mad at HB, but I couldn't verbalize why I was so mad. Was it because of the confident and flippant way HB assured me his information was correct? Or because of my own lapse in judgment for believing him? Or because this made me realize that if HB and I were together, I wouldn't ever really be able to count on him?

Finally, I was able to delineate to TMF my reasons for wanting to throw things:

1) HB's general confusion about the world. He is just not on top of things, and he doesn't know how things work.

2) His confidence regarding how much he knows about the world around him, despite actually being quite confused.

3) His utter ignorance that he is confused. His utter ignorance that he and does not, in fact, fully understand a situation.

Case in point: Verizon text messages. Such a small, seemingly trivial thing, yet so representative of his general approach to life: a naive arrogance.

I can't even complain that his confidence is false. It's real confidence because he truly believes that he knows the answers. He's not overtly arrogant - he doesn't flaunt his intelligence or knowledge. But he fundamentally does not realize that HIS KNOWLEDGE IS WRONG or even may be lacking.

And that frustrates me to the point that I want to throw things. I am finally able to pinpoint the precise reason I never could lean on him even when we were together. I distrust his analytical and problem-solving process. I question every assertion that he makes.

I think this pretty much settles whether or not HB and I could ever get back together in a serious way. I would want to throw things everyday in our life together.

I would still jump the man at a heartbeat, though.

Friday night

We planned a lunch date, albeit a late 2pm lunch date. Things came up work-wise for him though, so he asked to reschedule to a 5pm lunch date. I had plans already for the early evening, so we further postponed to a 9pm lunch date at our favorite neighborhood Wendy's.

He texted me around 8pm to say he'd gone drinking with his buddies, and would I like to join him for beers instead of Wendy's.

Annoyed, I said no, and settled in with my roommates for a movie night at home.

30 minutes into the movie, an unknown number called me. It was a friend's boyfriend. He was out and had met up with Special Friend and his crew. "We're headed to the Cantab, and Special Friend would really like for you to come," the boyfriend said.

He couldn't call me himself after flaking out on me twice already today? What kind of passive aggressive behavior is this?

"His phone died, so he's really asking me to beg you to come."

Ah, so he's drunk, and coming out of his protective aloof protective shell and enlisting the help of a mutual friend to convince me to come out.

I gave in like the silly girl that I am, bundled up, and walked the 5 blocks to Cantab. They were all waiting in line. The downstairs show got too popular, the bar filled to capacity, and the bouncers weren't letting anyone else in. I walked outside onto the sidewalk to take a call, and SF walked out after me. Interesting ...

He then motioned for me to follow him down the street. Even more interesting ... Are we leaving everyone else?

He led me around the block to the back of the club, where a couple of people were smoking cigarettes out a back door. Smiling and making idle chit chat as we walked by them, he led me swaggering through the back door that the smokers were holding open with their feet. We walked right into the downstairs show. Didn't fight through bouncers and didn't even pay the cover.

He asked me if I wanted a drink. I know money's tight for him, so I never let him pay for anything (not that he's ever truly offered), but after everything he put me through that day, he better at least buy me a beer. So yes, I do want a drink, thank you very much.

The rest of our group joined us shortly thereafter (the bouncer loosened up, we guessed). Everyone was at least a few drinks in by then (SF & friends pre-gamed, and I had a few beers at home during the movie), so it didn't take long before everything became a giddy blur.

Someone spotted a group of guys right in front of us and wondered if they were gay. I insisted that they were not, only to have my judgment repeatedly questioned by everyone else.

"Fine," I said, "I'll just go and ask them if they're gay." One guy's eyes popped open, questioning my sincerity, daring me to actually do it, calling me on out on my bravado.

Whatever. I'm tipsy and have nothing to lose. I left my safe friend circle and walked up to the tallest and cutest one of the questionably-gay group.

"Hey, I have a question for you."

"Oh really?" he asked, putting his arms around me and pulling me in really close to his body. Seriously? You don't even know me ... maybe you are gay or drunk or both.

"You are sooo incredibly pretty," he continued in an European accent while staring down at me with his gorgeous blue eyes. Oh my, you are not gay, and so very beautiful. I could feel Special Friend's laser-like gaze on the back of my neck. See if I care. He put me through this same thing 2 weeks ago.

I pulled away from Blue Eyes and reported back to my group, "No, I'm pretty sure that they are not gay. And that one there is foreign."

Special Friend very adamantly piped up, "Of course they are gay. Just look at them. Especially that tall one. He is definitely gay." Ah, jealous much?

Blue Eyes and I continued flirting with each other as the band got louder. He really was very drunk, super touchy-feely, always coming by to drape an arm around my shoulder whenever I was within reach. I glanced at Special Friend a few times. Was he seeing this? Yes, yes he was seeing this and pretending to be engrossed in conversation. Who has a conversation when it's 200 decibels at a band show? No, he wasn't really having a conversation. It's just a ruse to cover up his secretive side-glances in my direction, and Blue Eyes' arm around my shoulder.

We eventually decided to leave the bar, and our group of 8 all walked to the Korean's apartment. After some blurry conversation, I announced in a drunken tired stupor that it was time for me to go home. I couldn't keep my eyes open.

So I gathered up my coat, hat, gloves, bag and said my goodbyes. That's when I noticed that Special Friend had also put on his coat. There was no other leaving momentum from anyone else in the group - just me and my irrational need to go home, and Special Friend and his decision to come with me...

The man I almost married

Broadway and I have been casually emailing back and forth for the past month, sending each other links to interesting articles and pictures of cute animals.

Today, there was a huge Comcastic blackout of the internet in/around Boston, and he helped me to circumvent it and then to fix my router following it. After everything was working again, I sent a self-deprecating email about how the internet is too complicated for me. He replied with a harsh denouncement of his misspent youth messing around with computers, followed by:

"That's how cool I was as a kid. The man you almost married. Near miss."

Tears gushed out on the spot when I read that, and I cried for Broadway all over again. I cried that I couldn't be the one to make him happy. I cried for how solemnly he leads his life. I cried for how much weight he always has on his shoulders, mostly self-imposed and unnecessary. I cried for not knowing when he'll find his actual special someone who will be with him for the rest of his life. I cried for me not being able to make the sacrifice and just be happy with him. I cried for how much I still care and love him, and I cried for how much that love and care isn't the kind that makes me want to commit my whole life to him.

In the same way, I cry for HB too, but I kinda have to try a little to get the tears going. In the end, I know that HB will be okay. He'll do just fine for himself. He's got that right balance of slight cynicism with naive arrogance to get himself through, or at least to convince himself he's doing the best that he possibly can, and what he can ain't all that bad. He goes through life with no weight on his shoulders.

He loves me, but he'll do just fine without me.

Thanksgiving

I posted a Craigslist ad on Monday asking for a fancy dinner date on Thanksgiving. For the most part, the pretty ones wrote boring emails, and the funny ones weren't pretty. By midday Wednesday, I had it narrowed down to three guys ... but then I had a total change of heart for the cheesy.

A couple had invited me for Thanksgiving at their place, but I told them I was considering a CL date, which I think hurt them a little bit. On Wednesday, I suddenly got all emotional about the silly holiday and realized that I didn't want to waste it on a random, potentially excruciating, date. I'd rather spend it close to friends, and my couple friend were happy and told me they were really glad with my decision :)

As for the CL men, I promptly asked each of them if we could reschedule for drinks sometime over this coming weekend. All three agreed, so this might be a fun-filled weekend after all, or at the very least, a story-filled weekend.

In other news, Special Friend made me pretty mad yesterday. A big group of us partied at his house last night, but he flirted with this other girl the whole time. I realize that there's nothing concrete between us and that he has every right to flirt with other people (I mean, hell, I'm going on dates myself), but doing it in my presence is a pretty dickish move.

I kept my own flirting under control, even with another guy at the party who was obviously trying to flirt with me. I'd always move away or pull someone else into the conversation. Special Friend needs to have the same level of respect for me and not talk with another girl for two hours off in a corner by themselves.

At one point, he and his roommate decided to go to 7-11 for some snack refills. He loudly asked the whole room, while glancing at me, "Does anyone want to come with us to 7-11?"

I don't play this game. If he wants me to go with him to 7-11, he needs to ask me directly. I'm not going to bite on his passive aggressive question, posed to the whole room, hoping that I would somehow rise to the challenge.

Of course, the girl whom he'd been flirting with pipes up and says that she wants to go to 7-11. That made me want to go even less. I don't play his passive aggressive question-asking game, and I definitely don't play the fighting-for-territory game. If she wants to throw herself at him, be my guest. I'm not tagging along to fight her for my share of his attention.

I secretly smirked at the disappointed and slightly awkward look on his face when she volunteered to go. I grabbed another beer and sat back down on the couch, smug.

He asked the room again, "Does anyone else want to come?" I went on drinking and talking and ignored his question.

Eventually he came over to me and asked, "Hey, do you want to come to 7-11?" I played hard to get and claimed that it was cold outside, and I couldn't find my jacket. His SISTER, overhearing me say this, piped up, "Oh, you can borrow my jacket!"

Special Friend saw the bone that his sister threw him, snatched the jacket, threw it on me and out the door we went. It was indeed cold, so he grabbed my hand with his and put both our hands in his jacket pocket as we walked. This would normally be completely adorable, but there, 5 steps in front of us, was the girl he'd been flirting with the whole night.

I guess I won in the end - he picked me over this random girl - and I won without ever fighting. Hell, his SISTER picked me over this other girl. But the win didn't feel glorious. I'm still mad that he would overtly flirt with other women in my presence. Either he's completely oblivious to my feelings, or he's trying to play games and get me jealous.

Both are not cool, and I'm not playing.

In which there is a whirlwind of men

I went crazy this week, and I might now be done (full disclosure post ahead). I had two nights of heavy drinking, hooked up with two different men, regretted one, and suffered two days of hangovers.

Thursday night started with karaoke with a group of friends, including Special Friend, and ended with Special Friend naked in my bed. We didn't hit the homer but was well past third base. I now think back on the experience with fond memories, but we were both very stoned at the time, fumbled around a lot, and were both very paranoid that the other person was not comfortable. The next day, Friday, I asked if we could talk. He readily agreed, and we had a nice adult conversation about the whole thing. We laughed and agreed that we were actually both very comfortable with how things went, and that the paranoia came purely from being stoned.

He is however, worried about me rebounding, but since neither one of us have concrete expectations, we decided to just see how things go.

Friday night started with one of my labmates inviting me to go clubbing with him and a couple of buddies. Excited, I got all dolled up and met up with everyone downtown. Next thing I knew, Labmate and I were pounding drinks, grinding on the dance floor, rushing out the club to grab a cab ... and then I don't remember anything until I discovered myself naked in his bed with my clothes strung all over his floor. Still drunk, we had sex, which honestly was pretty disgusting. He wanted me to spend the night, but I had sobered up significantly by this point and preferred to wake up in my own bed. He insisted on walking me home, which was pretty sweet in retrospect. In front of my place, I realized that I had no inkling of attraction to him and couldn't even bring myself to kiss him good night.

Saturday night, I went on an actual date for an LTR (long-term relationship). I knew within 5 minutes of sitting down to dinner that I had no interest in the guy and was highly annoyed by his personality ... and he had theater tickets for after dinner so I was in for at least 3 more hours. He ordered a drink, but I stuck to my water, explaining that he caught me on a bad day as I was still nursing a hangover. He laughingly joked that the best way to cure a hangover was to drink more, and I laughed along. I realized he was serious when he called the server over to order me a Bud Light. A bit annoyed, but wanting to stay polite, I intercepted and ordered myself a hefeweisen.

When asked me what I planned to eat, I replied "fish and chips" - my favorite dish at the pub that we went to. He insisted that I simply could not get the fish and chips, and that I should save the fish and chips for when we go see a movie. I stared at him blankly, honestly a bit shocked, but trying to decide if this was also a joke (he giggled the whole time). He then very condescendingly said (though I'm sure he saw it as being a generous gentlemen) that I needn't worry about the *cost* of my dish since this dinner was on him, implying that I had ordered fish and chips because it was cheap (it wasn't, it was $14, kind of a ripoff actually for fish & chips at a pub).

Realizing this wasn't a joke, I remained cordial but firm, saying that I wasn't trying to be polite - I really do very much love the fish and chips at this restaurant. He wouldn't have any of it and proceeded to argue that if I insisted on ordering the fish and chips, he would have to take matters into his own hands and pick something for me. He then ordered me a meat-heavy entree consisting of every kind of meat imaginable grilled, the last thing that I wanted. I ate very little of my plate (too heavy, exactly what my hungover head did NOT need) and silently fumed through the entire dinner, lamenting the fact that I would have really liked to have been eating fish & chips instead.

I eventually finagled my way out of the second half of the play (he had lost interest by then as well) and met up with a friend working at a coffee shop to gripe. Special Friend was working late but finishing around this time too, so I made plans to leave the coffee shop and head his way, maybe grab a beer together. By the time we met up around 11:30, we both preferred something even more chill and just took a brisk walk around the neighborhood. Dropping me off at my place, he gave me a delicious good-night kiss. There is potential indeed in this Special Friend.

I also had a couple of other "dates" with guys who responded to a CL post I made asking for no-strings-attached (NSA) fun ranging from making out to whatever we felt comfortable with. I had lunch with one of the guys, who was a decently nice and normal person but completely not my type. I made coffee plans with another, but was honestly rather exhausted by men at this point, so I canceled it.

I suppose this was the whirlwind of singledom that I wanted, expected, and felt constrained from by HB, Broadway, and whatever other serious relationship. But, it's honestly not that fun. I really regret having sex with my labmate, beyond just the fact that he is my labmate and we have to see each other in lab every day. (To his credit, he came by to say hi to me today and really tried hard to made it as normal as it could be considering.)

There was no connection or attraction to Labmate (at least not on my end, he claimed that he'd always been attracted to me from the day he joined our lab 4 years ago). I love making out with guys, and I didn't even want to kiss him. Sex for the sake of sex was not the fun and liberating experience that I fantasized it being. It wasn't fun at all, and I regretted it the next day.

My conclusion is that meaningless hookups just don't cut it for me. The thought of having a stranger in my bed is extremely riveting and exciting, but actually having a stranger in my bed is disgusting.

That's a good realization to have, that sometimes fantasies are just fantasies. Trying to bring fantasies alive doesn't always work because reality gets in the way, and my reality is that I don't really want to sleep with a lot of people. So going forward, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe I'll still try CL every now and then (low commitment, easy), but posts for casual drinks and flirting with no path/expectations for more, emotionally or physically.

The night with Labmate was also the first time I've ever blacked out from drinking, not able to remember whole chunks of the night. I don't want that to happen again. I enjoy a bit to drink, and it is fun, but I need to be more aware and have more self-control about knowing when to stop. I highly doubt I would have gone home with Labmate if I were cognizant of my surroundings.

As for HB and Broadway, I'm starting to get the clarity that I've been seeking, but I'll save that for another post.

in which he loves me

HB called me this afternoon, having come home completely drunk after a night of whiskey with his boys who want to say goodbye in Beijing.

We said "i love you" back in July when we first started officially dating, but then I didn't feel it anymore so I stopped. It's been a long time since either one of us has said the l-word.

In his drunken state, HB told me "I fucking love you." We were talking about very unrelated things.

And then some point later in the conversation, he said, "Never fucking doubt how much I love you. Never."

I still think we have a chance together, but not right now. Right now, I need to go out and be unconstrained in this world, no matter how much he loves me. I kinda do hope that whenever I manage to figure my stuff out, HB will still be there for me.

In which things get better, then much worse

Chicago was magical. HB and I completely reconnected and found again in each other the joys of the strong mutual attraction that brought us together in the first place. There is just a naturalness between us that I've never felt before with anyone else. In person, we joke and laugh and can talk about anything. We're essentially the nauseating couple you want to punch because they are so nauseatingly in tune with each other.

His family was fantastic as well. I was worried about meeting them in the context of everything between him and me, but I had no need. I usually do really well with families, and his was no exception. His mother is a bit kooky, but I could appreciate her in the short interactions I had with her. I loved his dad, who is such a jolly old man in love with computers. We definitely connected over some nerdy talk about our shared dislike of C++, and he could truly appreciate my passion for hardware design over software development. HB has two older half sisters who are around 40, and a younger sister who is my age. His younger sister is my favorite, and I felt she and I connected the most, but I got along with all of his sisters. I could envision a future in which they would be my sisters too, and everything felt right.

And I wanted all the things that felt right. So I left Chicago asking HB to give us another shot. He was tired and exhausted, feeling like he was always trying so hard to keep me interested in him and engaged with this relationship with less-than-successful results. He was dubious why this time would be any different but did agree to try again.

A couple of beautiful happy weeks go by, during which he found a job in Chicago. We were so excited, and it felt like this long and hard road is finally coming to an end. He gave his notice at his current job, with his last day being mid-November, and booked flights to leave China permanently by Thanksgiving.

Then things started to get worse.

My birthday was last week, and Broadway surprised me with my favorite cake, tiramisu from a fancy dessert place. He left it for me in my office fridge, but not before taking a bite out of it first. When I saw it the morning of my birthday, I broke down in tears and cried in the bathroom for 15 minutes. I still care about him so much, and I kept asking myself why I can't just be happy with what I had. Why did I need to go and make things so complicated? Broadway loved me so much and made me feel so special. Why did I have to be so stubborn and selfish?

That got me thinking a lot about what I want in a partner. I know that I won't find someone who is 100% perfect--that's simply impossible. So I will find someone who is 80% perfect, and whose 20% incompatibilities with me aren't a big deal. They're things that I would be okay with, and put another way, I'd be willing to settle on those 20%.

Broadway's 20% are completely different from HB's 20%. In fact, Broadway's 20% are a part of HB's 80%, and vice versa. If I could combine Broadway and HB, I would have a 100% perfect man. But individually, whose 80% is better? Whose 20% is worse? I couldn't answer that question, and that really shook my resolve to be with HB.

In parallel, I've been having this "thing" with a guy in my new friend group for a while now. We first met back in June (well, remet... I mentioned him briefly in this entry). We'll call him my Special Friend. Special Friend and I flirt, a lot, but nothing has ever progressed beyond flirting. I think we both welcome the attention, and on occasion, at the end of late night drinking sessions with the friend group, he and I will hold hands or have our arms around each other. While sober though, we've gotten lunch a few times, but they're always within the bounds of a friendship, and we never talk about the times when we are drunk.

Even without HB in the picture, I'm not sure I would pursue anything with Special Friend beyond flirting. He doesn't know about HB and so wouldn't know I am technically off-limits, and yet he has not made any moves, so I feel that he feels the same way: fun to flirt, but not enough interest to take it further. HB is insanely jealous of Special Friend (no surprise), but I always tell HB when I plan to hang out with Special Friend. Aside from our occasional lunches, Special Friend and I never hang out on our own.

A couple of weeks back, I found myself one of the last 2 people left at his house following a night of drinking. The other girl got up to leave, and I followed, except she left rather quickly, and I couldn't get my jacket and shoes on in time before she was already out the door. Now alone with Special Friend, who was drunk, he stood between me and the front door and tried to kiss me. I definitely wanted to kiss him back, but I was sober and knew better and resisted the urge. He said some nice and sweet things about me and told me that if ever I want a nice guy to hang out with, he'll be just down the street (we live just a few blocks apart).

The next tday, I nervously told HB that Special Friend asked me out (not mentioning his having tried to kiss me), and HB was happy that I turned him down. He was however, very unhappy that I wasn't able to tell Special Friend that I have a boyfriend. "Thank you for the interest, but I have a boyfriend." Yet it was something I was unable to bring myself to say, to admit that I was attached and take away future flirting chances with Special Friend.

Last night, Special Friend's friend circle (which overlaps with mine) planned a huge apartment crawl for Halloween, ending up at Special Friend's house. I found myself in the exact same situation again, one of the last two people remaining at the house at 3am. Except this time I was drunk. The other person got up to leave, and I followed. He left in a hurry, and I couldn't catch up and it became just Special Friend and me, alone. He stopped me at the top of the stairs leading to his front door, leaned in and kissed me.

Not being sober, I didn't have enough resolve to pull away. We made out for a long time, and he asked me to stay over. I did have enough sense to leave at that point, came home, drank some water and went to sleep. The full implications of what I had done hit me when I woke up this morning and realized that I, once again, cheated on my boyfriend.

I didn't want to tell HB, so instead, I broke up with him. It hurt to have that conversation, but he said he saw it coming. He's felt my aloofness all through the last couple of weeks. I told him that our being together was always a battle for me as I fought against my desires to be single and out flirting with other guys like Special Friend. He said that he knew I was always fighting that, and he's honestly a little tired of fighting for me and being nervous wondering about what might happen every time I hang out with Special Friend.

I haven't had enough time to process this breakup yet. I think I will be happier, just from the lack of obligations and constraints associated with being in a relationship. But I am devastated about HB and me. He has so many great qualities, and I've never felt as comfortable with anyone as I do with him. That will be so hard to find. He's finally moving back to Chicago, where we'll get to see each other so much more than we do now. I feel like I'm throwing something away right at the moment when it will start to get great. And I'm throwing it away because it's easier to break up with HB than it is to tell him I made out with another guy.

Oy.

Things that are on my mind (Part 1: boys & career)

1) HB

I leave for Chicago this Wednesday to visit HB for almost a week and for his sister’s wedding. We talked pretty extensively last night for the first time in seemingly forever. We laughed the hardest when we joked about how to introduce me to his relatives at the wedding. He might say something like, “This here is my friend. We’re just friends, and you may never see her again. But yes, we’re staying in the same room together at the hotel.”

I told him that I like him well enough as a person, but can’t manage to look past the things that bother for me to consider him seriously as my boyfriend still (I never did say boyfriend anyway, even at the beginning). He got a bit defensive again, asking why things like misspelled words and lack of tech-savviness would be such big deals to me.

So I finally broke it down: those aren't that big of deals, but they are just the symptoms of the underlying problem, which is a big deal. I told him that I can’t get past how differently our minds work and how he doesn’t measure up in the ways that I’ve always use to judge people around me. I told him that I've been trying to see his talents for what they are worth and to remind myself he is good at things that are unconventional to me, that I need to see value in new things that were never on my radar before. But I haven’t been successful in that quest and honestly have a hard time assigning value to the things that he considers himself to be good at.

I guess that was my euphemism for “I don’t think you’re smart. We don’t have to be smart in the same way, but I need to see worth in the ways that you are smart. And right now, I just see nothing.”

He didn’t understand my implied message, and I didn’t want to burden him with a blunt accusation right before he gets on a 13-hour flight. We both debated whether I should just skip going to Chicago altogether. I said that my reasons for still going are 1) to see if things would be different in person, but I don’t have high hopes of this being the case, and 2) honestly, I want to fuck. He said he understood that we’re not really together anymore, and he’s seen that for a long time, and he’s gotten himself to a place where he can “take it or leave it” with regards to the relationship. He’s sad that I see us as just friends, and he wishes that weren’t the case, but he also hasn’t asked me to not come to Chicago because he wants to fuck, and we fuck so well together. So, honestly, that’s great. I’m glad everyone is on the same page, and that we’ll be getting busy in Chicago.

2) Broadway:

I broke down and emailed Broadway mid last week. I’d been having more and more doubts about our breakup, especially as things with HB got worse and worse. (To answer GH’s question on the last post, no, I don’t generally have a pattern of going to a new man in order to escape from old ones). I think in this case, I realized that no one is perfect, that I will have conflicts with anyone I date. It’s a matter of how much I am willing to work with the situation and in some sense, how much I’m willing to “settle.” I’m not 18 and idealistic anymore that there is ONE prince-charming out there who is perfect for me. There are many people whom I can work with as long as the fundamentals are in place and I stay true to my values.

So in that sense, Broadway was good on many of the major fronts. I need someone I can consider my intellectual equal. I need someone I can count on. I need someone who doesn’t need babysitting. I need someone who will care about me no matter how hard I am to deal with. I need someone who can solve problems with me, and not create problems that I would need to solve. Broadway provided all of that. What he lacked were certain social graces (I was always embarrassed by how long-winded he could be, especially at parties when some unfortunate soul mistakenly asks him the slightest question about his research), social confidence (these two are probably related), sexual passion (he had a healthy appetite for sex, but just didn’t know how to show it and to effectively engage me sexually), and lack of optimism about life and the world. I don’t need someone to tell me everything is great about the world, but Broadway was full of cynicism and took that to the other extreme and thought everything was dark and grey.

I emailed him to ask how he was, and to give a rundown of updates in my life and how I’m working to improve myself lately. We’ve been emailing a bit back and forth, sometimes serious, mostly cute and jokey. I’m contemplating asking him to sit down and talk, where I would propose that we give things another shot, but with a greater emphasis on open communication and on going to couples therapy to work on the things where we clash. Visiting HB in Chicago definitely complicates this, and is partially why I haven’t asked Broadway to sit down yet.

3) Job search:

Started seriously job-searching a couple of weeks ago. It’s taking a lot of time and just overall causing all kinds of stress due to the general vagueness and uncertainty of looking for a job. I’m plagued a lot by not knowing what I really want to do. I know I don’t want to keep doing research the way that I’ve been doing it in grad school. Understanding basic science is not enough incentive for me on a daily basis to be motivated enough and to be productive. I need to see more immediate real-world applications in my work. So I thought I might enjoy science policy and went to Beijing for 6 months to do climate change policy (science policy AND the environment! What’s there NOT to love?). But in the end, it was a ton of fun to be in Beijing, not so much fun doing the policy work. It was a lot of report-reading and report-writing, and at least in the environment I was in, not a lot of teamwork. I need more hands-on, field work type of work, and in the absence of that, I need to be working with a lot of people. I honestly felt claustrophobic in front of my computer screen all day, every day, and none of the excitement I thought I’d be feeling working on something so important and so relevant.

So I went back to looking at careers in science industry: pharmaceuticals, consumer products, startup biotechs. The problem with science industry is that I don’t have the science credentials. I don’t have pages and pages of publication records to show off what I’ve done in grad school (in fact, what I’ve done in grad school is to avoid my research as much as possible). I do have a lot of pretty substantial leadership experience and of course all my policy stuff (I also interned in a prominent Senator’s office doing healthcare analysis at the peak of all that healthcare reform stuff). My advisor claims these provide an image of a well-rounded scientist, good for my intended trajectory of a managerial path in science industry. The recruiting company reps whom I have talked say similar things. However, when it actually comes down to granting me interviews, nobody does, and that's really upsetting.

They tell me this is what they are looking for, that so-and-so company hire the *whole* person and not just the scientific experience/training. But then, why can't I get interviews? I feel like they look through my resume and still can't see past the relatively sparse science credentials and decide they would rather go with a "safer" candidate who excelled in grad school. So now I’ve also added consulting to my list of companies to pursue. They claim to value leadership and soft skills and really only see scientific training as analytical training. I feel like a sell-out, applying to consulting firms. I don’t like trying to talk-the-talk in a suit, and I'm still a nerdy scientist at heart. But I’ve gritted my teeth and gone through with it, written the coverletters, submitted the resumes. Lo-and-behold, the first firm I submited a resume to granted me a first-round interview. I have to do it over the phone because I'll be in Chicago later this week, but that's better than any of the science industry positions I've applied to. I’m just sad that I can’t get past the screening process to get interviews and be the scientist that I came to grad school to be.

4) Graduating:

This has been a hard hurdle for me all along. I didn’t think hard enough about the types of projects I wanted to be working on when I started grad school (and not sure I thought hard enough about whether or not I actually want to go to grad school period while in college). So I’ve been stuck in a rut for a long time, for maybe as long as the past four years. I recently met several times in near succession with my advisor, who is great at extracting the big picture from things. We managed to come up with something that could salvage the work I’ve done so far into a thesis. I have one last set of experiments to run to test a set of hypotheses predicted by some computational work I did after getting back from China, but I have maybe 20% faith that the hypothesis will test out to be true. I’m not sure what will happen the other 80% of the time.

I’m now entering my 7^th year in this PhD program (granted I took off those 6 months to go to Beijing), and that’s just demoralizing in general. I’ve been doing the SAME THING for 7 years. I need to get out of here and move on. Despite that feeling of panic and of needing to get out, I can’t seem to wake up in the mornings with enough motivation to get myself to lab and thaw cells and set up assays and run experiments. My motivation needs serious help.

Other things I’m thinking about coming in Part 2 (frisbee, friends, my knees, groupons)

gaaaaaa

I've been thinking about Broadway a lot lately and wondering a lot of "what if I had stayed" types of questions.

The image I have in my head is from the last scene of The Breakup with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. The two of them run into each other randomly on the street, and you see the care and love that they still feel for each other in their eyes. The exchange is casual and lighthearted, and Aniston's character cocks her head with a sly smile while saying "Hey," almost as if she's more surprised at how happy she is to see him than the actual chance encounter. They exchange genuine pleasantries and mention how great it would be to hang out sometime. They then walk away from each other as the end credits roll up playing "I Can See Clearly Now That the Rain Is Gone."

I remember watching that movie in bed on my computer not long after I moved out of Broadway's apartment back in June. As the credits rolled, as tears flowed down my face, I wished that Broadway and I would eventually come to our own version of that scene. But that only made me cry more because at the time, the positive energy between Aniston and Vaughn seemed so far-fetched for me and Broadway.

Now, a few months later, it doesn't seem like such an impossibility. At the time, I just wanted out of the situation with Broadway because I felt so constrained and unhappy and daydreaming about HB. HB was the escape. But now, I want an escape from HB. Given how many warm feelings are conjured up when I think of Broadway, it seems that I now want to be with Broadway as an escape from HB.

This isn't the first time that doubts about leaving Broadway have popped up. In the past though, I think about things that make me unhappy such as what sex, or rather the lack thereof, with Broadway would be like. It was unbelievable how just that one thought would completely derail any inklings of reconciliation with Broadway. I guess that was the escape that HB, and our phenomenal physical chemistry, provided.

In a way, I feel that HB and I have already run our course. We'd always had a very physical connection, and while we certainly connected emotionally during the two weeks that he was here in Boston, there wasn't enough depth to sustain us through the past two months of being 7000 miles apart. We knew then that we would see each other again in October, when he comes back to the US for his sister's wedding. In fact, I booked flights so that I could be in Chicago for about a week to maximize the time we would have with each other.

But I fear that our time together will just be more of the same as our phone conversations recently. I will get easily annoyed. I will question his intelligence. I will wonder whether or not I actually respect him. The latter two were never issues with Broadway. Broadway and I were always intellectual equals (yes, I know I am horrible for feeling this way). So really, I am just going for a 1-week long booty call.

And yes, that is basically my motivation for going through with this trip. Honestly, without this trip coming up, I am very ready to tell HB that it is time we go our separate ways, call it quits, take some time to heal from this whole situation that started back in January and then decide what to do about Broadway.

HB feels the change in my attitude. He has asked so many times why things are different now. Why can I no longer tell him that I love him? Why do I sound so distant over the phone? He sees the week together in Chicago also as a chance to re-evaluate where we are, and if he still feels the same emotional detachment during that time, then he will have to think hard about whether or not this is the right road for him.

So maybe this will all come to a mutual end in just a short few weeks.

Things that annoyed me today

Things that annoyed me today

1) Playing tech support for HB.

Yesterday morning, HB called and had a question for me. The night before, we'd been talking about his internet connection. It's been rather flakey, and despite calling the service provider several times, the connection hasn't improved. While talking about it the night before, I happened to ask him if his roommate was having similar problems. He thought it about it a bit, and replied, "no."

Um. So why have you been calling the service provider? Obviously, if your roommate who uses the same internet has no problems, the internet's not broken. Something's wrong with your computer. That really annoyed me. It's such a simple and obvious concept that he just didn't get. So I told him to look into updating the driver for his ethernet ports and controllers.

So that was the question I woke up to yesterday, "How do I backup my existing driver before I install this new one that I downloaded?" First of all, I don't know, I'm not tech support. Secondly, I don't think you can backup a driver that's already installed. You can only back up the install file. And last but not least, I kinda doubted that he'd even downloaded the right drivers. But I wasn't going to mention that and be roped into a 10-minute conversation helping him to find the right driver. So I said I was late for a meeting (which I was), and hung up.

This morning, he called with a new question. He got a domain name and host and wants to make a webpage. Red flags immediately go up in my head. Ugh, new issue for me, his non-tech-support-tech-support. He asked what I use to make my page.

-Wordpress.

-But I don't want a blog.

-Okay, but wordpress can do pages too, and it has an easy interface.

-But it's still blog-based.

-Fine, most of the themes are blog-centric. You can try Dreamweaver or another editing program.

-Okay, I'll go download Dreamweaver.

-Umm, Dreamweaver is not free like Wordpress. You'll have to either buy it or pirate it.

-Oh.

I just don't have the patience to sit there and walk him through making a webpage. He claims to know simple HTML. Yeah, I bet he knows the bold tag or something, which is obsolete. I didn't want to even start getting into FTP or stylesheets or tell him that back in the day, in the age of static pages, I coded my own site. I don't want him asking me any more questions about webpages.

Funny thing is that if I were actually there, his internet connectivity problem is one that I probably wouldn't mind figuring out for him (FOR him is the key, not WITH him). I'd spend an evening or something looking up drivers and screwing around with his network settings to see if I could improve anything. (But I wouldn't do the webpage for him, unless he wants to pay me).

Ultimately, I am repulsed by his general lack of tech-savviness. It really really bothers me. I have to constantly remind myself that he is different from the people around me here in grad school. He has other talents that I need to learn to appreciate, like being able to pick up a musical instrument and pretty much pick out an ad-hoc tune. Actually, that's the only talent of his I can think of right now. I'm definitely entering negative-HB mode.

And damn it! He's the guy! He's supposed to be MY tech support, not the other way around. Broadway was always so good at that.

2) Being told "I wish I could pull off short hair."

My labmate came up to me and said, "Man, I wish I could pull off short hair." My response: "You can." To which she said, "no way, you have no idea."

Umm, have you ever chopped off your hair? You probably haven't, in which case, you have no idea whether or not you can pull off short hair. Stop saying that to me just because you don't have to guts to go short.

I've gotten that a few times since chopping off my hair about three weeks ago. My friend buzzed the sides of my head (not completely, maybe left 1/4 inch or so), and we left the top at about 3 inches so I could spike a mohawk. But day-to-day, the longish hair at the top just sits, and I look like I have a punkish boy cut.

I like it. It's different and actually kind of empowering. But I get really annoyed at comments like the one my labmate made.

His cities

San Francisco will forever be his city. I won't be able to visit Dolores Park without thinking of him, canvas bag slung over his shoulders and hanging low below his waist, overlooking his city. Maybe he's thinking about his childhood home. Maybe he's thinking about me. Maybe he's thinking of which coffeeshop to visit for his afternoon espresso. Who knows? He just looks peaceful.

He already knows that I will leave two short months later for an internship in Beijing, but he's trying not to think about that. He is lost in the moment, in the city he loves, to celebrate his newly-acquired "doctor, but not the kind that helps people" status with his new(ish) fiancee. He doesn't yet know that Beijing will be the beginning of the end.

In a way, Boston is his city, too. He grew up here. His went to school here. Twice. He met and lost his love here. Twice. The second times, both times, were much more difficult than the firsts.

But Boston will never be San Francisco. Boston is where things are broken, where the world beats him, where he remembers the corners he retreated to because he had nowhere else to hide. San Francisco is where things heal, where the world embraces him, where he can hide from the pains in Boston without hiding from the world.

There are many other cities along the way, too. Some, he will always associate with me; others, he might only have the kinds of memories that fade easily because they struggled to imprint heavily on our minds in the first place. A gourmet burger place in downtown Hollywood might cause him to pause a second longer than usual, triggering a vague pang that he finds hard to pinpoint, but that which suddenly brings my image into his conscious thoughts. Or perhaps a dolphin's glide in the waters of a coastal city conjures up the sounds of uncontrollable laughter from a different time (and perhaps even a different city) as he pulls out his aviators to cover up the glint of the water. Similarly, a pickpocket in a foreign country might remind him of a story told on grassy fields amidst a group of giggling frisbee girls whom he tried hard to capture on camera.

Three years of cities. Three years of memories. Three years of promises of faraway places we will have to visit during the rest of our lives.

Three years became just three years, and three is not forever.

But San Francisco, San Francisco will forever be his city. To him, and more importantly, to me.

well it's not over

Teammate has completely gone off the deep end with her stuff, getting extremely mad at Work Women for not accommodating her needs. I don't really understand, so I am in general staying out of things. But then today, I happen to look on Teammate's Facebook page, and it is full of negative, nasty, angry rants toward Work Women. I feel these are wholly unjustified, so maybe I am taking sides. Ugh.

In other news, I went to a party last night with some Friendly Frisbee People. FFP should totally be an acronym. I saw some folks I hadn't seen in a while, and met some new people. Mostly, I chatted with this guy who I played on the same team with earlier this summer at a beach tournament. He was pretty quiet, but super nice at the tournament. At the party, the told me a tons more about himself, and it was all very interesting. I left thinking maybe he would be interested in me.

Today, I got the below email from him:

Hi Seine,

I'm glad we got to hang out at the party last night. I'd suspected you might be kinda awesome. I'd definitely like to get together with you sometime soon, but this week promised to be just shy of full-tilt manic ....

...

I noticed on Facespace (by coincidence) that you're away this weekend. Can I promise to give you a call later this week, when you have a phone*, so we can make plans?

And now I feel trapped again by HB. This was the feeling I had before. I feel like I wasn't ready to give up my single life yet, and committing to him forced me to do so. At some point a couple of weeks ago, I wanted to write in here and exclaim, "REMEMBER WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!! I WANT TO BE WITH HB FOREVER!!"

But obviously, I never got around to writing it. And it's unclear how much that would have actually helped me. I definitely feel more trapped today than I do most days, and maybe it's the temptations offered by this innocent email of simple attraction from a not-unattractive male.

*yes, I lost my phone this past week and in the process of procuring a new one.

gaaaa

I'm kinda sick of writing about HB and Broadway and relationships. HB and I did get back together, about 1.5 days after we broke up. I don't even know why we broke up. though the reasons I wrote last week for breaking up haven't changed for the most part. They just don't really seem that big of a deal and possibly exacerbated by distance. He has been working his way productively through those two issues, though, which is good. Bleh, may write more later.

Broadway made some huge steps this week. He disauthorized me on his Google Calendar. He blocked me on Gchat. And he left Facebook altogether. Of course I'm sad, but I'm also glad to see him making progress, and if that's what he needs to do, that's what he needs to do.

Other life issues have been consuming me in the meantime. This crazy drama came up involving an older woman whom I work with and a frisbee teammate of mine. The woman and her husband (both in their 50s) own a house in Providence, but both hold jobs in Boston. It's two 1-hour commutes a day from Providence to Boston, oftentimes 1.5-hours with all the heavy traffic, and they finally got sick of it and wanted to rent a room in/around Boston to stay in during the week. My 30-year-old frisbee teammate happened to have a room open up in her house, so I connected them, and everyone got along, and this woman and her husband became my teammate's new roommates. They've now been roommates for about 6 months.

I should say that I love everyone involved in this situation. I love my teammate, though she has serious emotional and self-image issues, and I absolutely love love love the woman whom I work with. I've only met her husband a handful of times, but he always seemed like a good guy, and they seemed to have a great relationship.

Last week, while Work Woman was traveling for work, her husband decided to have a heart-to-heart with my Frisbee Teammate. He told Frisbee Teammate that he's attracted to her and wondered if she had the same feelings for him. She told him no, and that was basically the extent of the conversation. I saw Frisbee Teammate the next evening at our twice-a-week evening game, and she couldn't stop crying as she told me the story of what had happened. She is completely creeped out, she feels threatened, she had anxiety attacks all day, and she is afraid to go home.

I empathized with her feelings and offered her my place to crash (which she turned down), and supported her decision to ask Husband and Work Woman to move out. Frisbee Teammate sent a very angry email to Husband requesting this and basically chewed him out for having done this to her. She feels very wronged and victimized in the situation and told him so.

Husband agreed to all of Teammate's requests, is moving out and also paying an extra months' rent so that Teammate has ample time to find someone else to fill the empty room. In addition, he told Work Woman what had happened, and they are now going to therapy to work on their relationship.

I definitely felt a bit lost, caught in some kind of weird triangle. Teammate confided in me, but it also involves Work Woman, whom I work closely with and absolutely adore. I felt wrong that I knew all these details of something that's obviously very private between Work Woman and her Husband and at first wasn't sure how to approach it. I finally went up to Work Woman on Monday to give her a hug, and she broke down a little, and we talked about how hurt she was and how much she doesn't understand why this happened. She said that Husband was horrifyingly embarrassed and claims that he has learned his lesson and knows that he made a HUGE mistake in approaching Teammate about this instead of talking to his wife.

As this week progressed, Work Woman in trying to better understand her husband's actions, asked Teammate for her side of the story, just to make sure everything lines up with what Husband had told Work Woman. Teammate's response was that she does not feel comfortable talking about it and telling Work Woman everything, especially now that Work Woman is obviously staying with Husband and trying to make their marriage last. Teammate also told Work Woman that she doesn't understand why Work Woman would want to stay with Husband after all of this, to give him another chance, and to try to preserve their 15-year marriage.

As I mentioned, Teammate has some serious emotional and self-image issues, many of them related to her disastrous history with men and relationships. Her response to this situation was definitely an over-reaction. I'm not saying she shouldn't be upset, but her feelings of victimization are a bit extreme. She does not want to talk to or see Husband or to have him ever step foot in her house (not surprising), and she also insists that Husband could not have possibly told Work Woman everything (not surprising given her general distrust of men, but is essentially paranoia). This of course made Work Woman question her husband's integrity and honesty. She wondered if a lot more happened (like did he try to touch Teammate, did he actually proposition something), and if Husband was still keeping things from her.

On top of this, Teammate sent a really nasty email to Work Woman (bcc'ing me, why??) with requests such as: "You need to move all of your stuff out of the room Saturday night because that's the only night when I won't be there." I felt deeply sorry for Work Woman after reading the email. Teammate's harsh email was a bit uncalled for, but not surprising given her general fragile emotional state. But it just further adds distrust and stress to Work Woman whose Husband did something very very stupid, but did not ultimately break the sanctity of their marriage in any way.

Work Woman asked me today if I would listen to her and what Husband told her and let her know if there were discrepancies with Teammate's story. I did, and Husband did indeed tell her everything. Like I guessed, Work Woman was very concerned with Teammate's discomfort at telling her side of the story. That indeed led Work Woman to further question whether or not Husband told her the whole truth.

On the other hand, Work Woman very intuitively wondered how much of Teammate's reaction to the whole situation from beginning to end was a result of Teammate's past, and how much of it was actually in response to what Husband said to Teammate. I assured Work Woman that a majority of Teammate's reaction stems from Teammate's chaotic history with men, and that her reaction is a bit of a disconnect from what actually happened. I believe that Husband has told Work Woman everything, and I told her I am glad that they were working on healing their relationship. They obviously have some problems they need to work out in their relationship, but they love each other, and this situation has forced them them to take a look at those problems so they can be better together. And that is a good thing, as unfortunate as the situation was that led to this evaluation.

I hope this saga for me has finally come to an end. I still feel for Teammate, but I find it hard to counsel Teammate in any way. She does not take advice well and has very different ideas about men than I do. I'm not sure there is anything that I can do for her except to listen, which I have done so far. I don't share her distrust for men, and sometimes it feels like she just wants to wallow in her own negative thoughts and wants someone to provide redemption that her hatred of men is warranted and rational. I don't share that view, and it's especially hard because I feel that she is in denial about her own prejudices against men.

As for Work Woman, I feel so much better that she feels better after our conversation today, and I do think we relate to each other well. In the end, I am really glad that I could be there for Work Woman because I know Teammate so well and can help explain some of the reasoning behind Teammate's actions and let Work Woman know that most of it has nothing to do with Husband but rather an entire line of men in Teammate's past who has hurt her and deceived her and done who knows what else to her.

Whew. Putting this behind me now.

Well, that didn't last long

HB's visit to Boston was phenomenal, so fantastic that I didn't have time to write because I wanted to spend every minute with him. While he was here, we also decided to give us a shot. Yes, we defined the relationship. He became my man (which I think sounds better than boyfriend), and I became his girl(friend).

Unfortunately, all that shimmers in this world is sure to go away. So on August 2nd, HB flew back to Beijing. At first, things were still going well. Then he became consumed by the idea of moving back to the US and the accompanying job search process. Then I became a ball of panic regarding my grad school situation and just when exactly I'll be able to graduate.

All of this came to a head yesterday. And we broke up.

My reasoning was that we were not the right influences for each other. I have a hard time motivating myself and want a partner who can help to provide me with motivation, and/or talk me into having more internal motivation. I felt that HB wasn't that person and thus not providing the support that I really need right now. With him then being 7000 miles away, it seemed pointless to pursue a relationship. I'm not getting anything out of it, and he's not close enough to hold me and f- me to make it worthwhile.

He on the other hand feels just as lost as I am in terms of looking for a job that would be along the lines of his current career trajectory. On top of that, he came to realize a couple of things about himself that are very big issues that he needs to work out. The potential conclusion from his working out these issues could very well be that I am no longer the right person for him. I don't know if I can stick around to help him through these issues providing all the support that I can, only to have him tell me in the end that he can't be with me.

These issues, by the way, are completely out of my control. Issue #1 is with his mother, feeling that she's always let him down his whole life. Issue #2 is with his sexuality, feeling that he might be gay or bisexual. Bisexual I can deal with. Gay is obviously a dealbreaker.

So we're done. We're through. Exactly a month after we officially started dating (July 17), we broke up. Maybe this isn't forever, and maybe we've become one of those troubled couples who go through multiple cycles of breaking up and getting back together ... but that doesn't seem all that healthy, does it?

Either way, that's it. I'm back to being single. I miss him, a lot, but I don't cry about HB the way that I cried about Broadway. Maybe that's because I've known Broadway for so much longer.

My next goal is to soul search. Find the values that are core to my needs as a woman and core to my needs in a partner. I'm not ruling out that HB can be that partner (yes, I do think we will get back together), but I need to know what I want in a partner without a current partner whose very status as my partner jeopardizes my objectivity.

Grrrr, sometimes I do wish I weren't such a nerdy engineer. Love isn't so objective and logical after all. If only I could not over-analyze everything.

New developments

I've been working like crazy the last week or so in preparation for my meeting with my advisor this morning. It looks like I am on track to graduate soon-ish. What a relief. I just want to get out of this place. Granted, I took some time off with the whole China stint, but this coming September still marks the 7th year from when I started this program back in 2004. Yikes, that's a long time.

In other news, HB is going to be in Boston in less than an hour!

I know. Craziness.

It started with that commitment we talked about where I can look, but I can't touch. Then he found an awesome flight deal on Air Canada to fly from Beijing to North America. We contemplated his coming here for a while and decided that we were both super excited about it, so he looked into the Air Canada deal, only to find that they don't have any available flights until late October (what??).

That completely bummed us out. It's one thing to think it an impossibility to see each other. It's another to build up hopes that we can see each other, only to have them utterly dashed.

Since regular fare flights are about $2k from Beijing to Boston roundtrip, he was really iffy on whether or not he would still be able to come to Boston. That's when I stepped in and offered to pay for half his ticket.

His response? "Seriously? Wow, if you're offering that, I would book a ticket in a heartbeat."

Which is exactly what he did, last Tuesday. He timed it coincide with the end of my meeting with my advisor so that we can celebrate together. I can't wait to see him.

Emotions

Today, I feel good about HB. Despite all the uncertainties, I feel that we would make a great couple, and that I want to be with him. How will I feel tomorrow? I don't know.

But today, I felt great, and I told him so in our 5-hour conversation this morning (morning my time, evening his time since Beijing is 12 hours ahead and all). We talked about how I have a pseudo lunch date tomorrow with that guy from this past weekend, and he joked that he will go to sleep early so that he would be asleep during my date as opposed to awake and freaking out.

One thing I really like about HB is that I feel comfortable talking to him. I feel safe telling him just about anything, and we talk so openly about everything. I don't feel judged in my thoughts or actions that I secretly am slightly ashamed by. I just tell him about it, and then we talk about how it affects us and makes both of us feel. It's great. It's the most open I've been with anybody in a relationship, even though we're not technically in a relationship.

His question to me at the end of today's conversation was whether or not I can promise him to not sleep with any guys before we see each other in October. I can go out and flirt all I want and garner all the attention of all the men that I want, but at the end of the day, I can't kiss them, and I can't sleep with them. Anything in the baseball diamond analogy of hooking up would be off-limits, but I can flirt all I want.

I think I can do it ... but I'm afraid I think that today because today I feel good about HB. Maybe tomorrow I will feel like this is all a big mistake.

Who knows? But today I told HB that I would give it a shot. And in essence, I am giving him and me a shot. Long-distance, here I come?

Yikes, I'm freaking out.

the monthly update

As if my life weren't already complicated enough, I just threw in a whole bunch of additional factors this week. The rational, cautious side of me is freaking out. The go-with-the-flow side of me doesn't know what the big deal is: I should just go with the flow.

Broadway and I have been broken up for about a month. I completely moved out 3 weeks ago. I have absolutely loved the independence. But I think about Broadway a lot. I think about all the wrong that I did him, all the pain that I've inflicted on him, and I wish so badly that I could tell him any minute now that I've thought things over and decided that he is the love of my life, now that I've had some time and space to be myself, I've come to realize how big of a mistake it was to push him out of my life.

But I can't say that. And that makes me cry. I miss him, I really do. Most of the time, I can rationalize it away and convince myself that missing him is all a part of any grieving process following a breakup. We were together for more than three years. He came to be a central part of my life, my rock, my partner. I couldn't imagine writing an important email to my advisor/boss/coworker/friend without having him read it, and now I have to write all my emails on my own. He was my best friend, someone I'd go to for advice, someone I'd want to hold me and kiss me and smooth out my hair when I was upset. Someone I would laugh with uninhibitedly. Someone who knew all my faults and insecurities and knew when I was letting them dictate my actions or inactions.

And now I am alone again in this world. Of course I would cry.

But then at times like last week, I feel yet again that I can't live without him. The impulsive side of me wanted to call him to get lunch/coffee/dinner so that we can start dating again and starting fresh. The rational side of me rightfully controlled that urge, and this week I am back to just missing him. Missing him but knowing (for now) that breaking up was the right decision.

HB and I have had our difficulties as well. He wants things. He expects things. He was ecstatic that I am now available and has said all along that he would want to give things between us a shot if/when I become available. Knowing that helped push me through the breakup with Broadway. I think I would have stayed with Broadway otherwise, out of comfort and familiarity.

Now that I am single (it feels weird to say), I find it really hard to start something new with HB. Firstly, it wouldn't be new. We've had so much tumultuous history already, and the foundations of our relationship aren't exactly based on trust and fidelity. Small things about him bother me (yes, it's already gotten to that point), and I find that I don't respect him. Well, that's not true. I respect him as a general person, but I don't respect his intelligence.

Last week when I was impulsively wanting to go back to Broadway, I impulsively wanted to tell HB that we should stop talking to each other. That if it were meant to be, it will happen in the future. Besides, he's in Beijing right now some 7000 miles and 12-hour time difference away.

It made sense at the time: I need space from my previous relationship; I need time to myself; I need to be single and independent and go out and have fun. And with Broadway no longer in the picture, HB's become the new Broadway holding me back from some hypothetical glamorous lifestyle that I would for sure be leading if I didn't feel some connection/guilt to some man halfway around the world.

Besides, my parents already don't like him. My impulsive and irrational mother has already forbade me to pursue anything with "that man in Beijing." Broadway may not have been all that realistic in his lofty ambitions of becoming an Ivy League professor (I always doubted that he would achieve this, which never was very healthy), but at least he was good on paper: Ivy League undergrad, MIT PhD. HB has a psych degree from a small midwestern liberal arts college. I've heard of it, but my parents undoubtedly have not. He has no advanced degrees to speak of (nor any desire for any) and has essentially been puttering around China the last seven years teaching English, worked for an NGOs, and now holds a job (albeit a good one by Asian standards) that only exists for white people in Asia.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't compare HB's paper credentials to Broadway or that the serious differential doesn't bother me. It does, but I think on my own, I can get over it. I'm more worried about my superficial Asian parents.

That aside, HB does add stress to my life right now, which is why I want to cut him out of it. I've made it very clear to him that I am in no position to commit to him right now, and I don't know when I will be able to. He's made it abundantly clear that I am what he wants right now, and he is willing to move back to the States as early as December to make it happen. But even then, he would move back to Chicago (where his family is). While Chicago is much better than Beijing, it's still long-distance. Do I really want to start a relationship long-distance?

Do I really want to start a relationship with HB?

The sex is phenomenal. But a relationship? I don't know.

The additional complication is that I met a couple of new guys this past weekend. Well, one isn't completely new. We have some mutual friends and have met before, but we reconnected when our friend circles collided this weekend. He got my number. He invited a bunch of people to his place Saturday to watch the USA/Ghana game, and we hung out a bunch. We're going to get lunch, just him and me, on Thursday. I feel guilty with regards to HB, and I haven't decided whether or not to tell him.

The second guy was more random: a friend of a friend who happened to be having birthday celebrations at the same bar my friends and I were at. I'm not remotely interested, but somehow got cornered into giving him my phone number. I did tell HB about this and asked for his advice, as a guy, for how a girl should/can get out of giving her phone number graciously.

This conversation made him emotional, and he flipped out a bit thinking about my going out to bars and flirting with guys and giving out my phone numbers. He rightly caught himself, realizing that he was in no place to get jealous about what I was or wasn't doing with other men because he's not my anything.

HB's sister is getting married in Chicago in October. He asked me to go with him a while back, and not knowing any better, I said I would. But I think that is somewhat in limbo right now.

I do want to write in here more often, more frankly. If nothing else, I would have something to go back and read a year from now.

dismantling my life

I am back in Boston, and it's a mess.

Broadway and I are on the verge of breaking up. We are seeing a couples therapist, but my heart isn't really in it. I am moving out in about three weeks, and he slept at a friend's last night.

How did we get here? Let's go back to the HIM in Beijing. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and he couldn't stop thinking about me. The mutual attraction was too much, and we both stayed away as much as we could stand (probably not as much as we should have).

About mid-March, Broadway got the first hint that something wasn't quite right when I told him that I wanted to extend my stay in Beijing for a couple of weeks. What's a couple of weeks, I argued? I was partially motivated by wanting to spend more time with HIM, but told Broadway I just wanted more time in Beijing. In mid-April, I broke the news to Broadway that I was getting cold feet about our getting married, but that we should wait until I get back to Boston to talk more and evaluate.

Meanwhile in Beijing, HE and I made out toward the end of February against our better judgment. A few weeks later, we made out in his bed, in our underwear, against our better judgment. A few weeks after that, a group of us (8 people total, I think) took a trip together, and HE and I shared a fancy hotel room where we just barely missed home plate. Two weeks after that, in mid-April after I told Broadway I was getting cold feet, HE and I slept together.

Then we continued to sleep together all the way until I left for Boston on April 28. We kept count, and fudging a little, we got to 30. 28 with no fudging, but we were shooting for 30 as a birthday present for his 30th.

I didn't tell Broadway right away after getting back, but sort of "let" him discover it (left my computer on during chat with HIM, with Broadway next to me, while I went to the bathroom). Of course Broadway wanted to know who this man was who was calling me "baby" over gchat.

Broadway was angry, hurt, but surprisingly didn't leave. After calming down a bit, he wanted to stay and work things out. That's when we started seeing the therapist, because Broadway wanted me to honestly give things one last shot. We then communicated more honestly than we probably have at any point in our relationship. A lot of hurtful things we may have wanted to say at one point or another came out that we previously held back on, and I think we both understand our relationship a lot better.

So where are we now? We are still seeing the therapist, but we talk so much in between our weekly sessions that the therapist just constantly plays catch-up. I am moving out, and I think that's where Broadway and I see the hard cut off to our relationship.

As for HIM in Beijing (HB?), we emailed, IMed, and talked on the phone a bunch when I first got back, but realized soon that it was unhealthy for both of us and thus agreed on no communications until I figured out all my sh*t with Broadway. HB told me before we cut everything off that once I figured out everything, and if that decision puts me in a position that I am available, he would want to give things between us a shot.

HB also named a caveat to the no-communication rule, that he wanted to hear my voice on his birthday, tomorrow. Otherwise, he wanted me to only call him when I've reached a decision and conclusion about Broadway, whether that was to leave Broadway or that I would stay to try to make things work.

I made the decision to move out last week and found an apartment quickly through a good friend. I thought I could wait until HB's birthday to call and tell him the good news, but I broke down and called him today, a day early.

I have to say that my head is a mess right now, that I am very conflicted about a lot of different things.

It's a very long road ahead.

HIM

I can't stop thinking about him. I sit here trying to get work done, trying to think about Broadway, but instead I just think back to how cute he looked when we got lunch yesterday. The beautiful smile, the witty jokes, the gray scarf ... staring into his eyes at the lunch where we agreed to talk as adults about what's going on between us.

To the average girl, I don't think he would stand out. Aside from being tall and slightly blonde (kept short in a crew cut), he has a plain face, wears glasses, keeps a scraggly beard, could lose a few pounds ... all in all, not a heart throb, just your average Joe. But I'm super attracted to him. I love the way he laughs, I love the look in his eyes when he looks at me, I love the shy smile he gives when we catch each other looking at each other across a big dinner table.

I love the way that he always makes me laugh.

I love that he's intelligent, an active thinker, a writer, a right-brain user, a bit of a space cadet but not too much, a clear idealist, but not too much to be unwilling to work for the man for a few years, buying time and saving to do what he's really passionate about. I love that he derives joy from the community around him, that he feeds off of the energy of others, of close friends, of valued relationships. I love that he is a good person, always aiming to do what's right.

He makes me question Broadway. Things that I previously couldn't wait to do with Broadway: take vacations together, get married, snuggle up next to him as we fall asleep, make babies, live out the rest of our lives ... all that have lost their luster as I see each activity as further evidence that I can't do these things with him. I muster up the energy in the mornings to call Broadway before he goes to sleep 13 hours behind in Boston, but it's not genuine excitement. I'm happy when Broadway doesn't want to talk because he's on the road to New York with his mother. I'm happy because I feel guilty talking to Broadway because I know I will be thinking about HIM the whole time.

I want to spend all of my time with him, but he's gone into self-preservation mode, and I can't blame him. He told me that his goal in this situation is not to get too hurt. He knows he will be hurt, especially when I leave Beijing in April, so all he can do is try to minimize the pain, so all he can do is refrain from seeing me too much.

He doesn't have to say anything, I know he wants to spend all of his time with me too. I know he doesn't because he is holding himself back. I know he needs to do that for himself. I understand, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to accept. I know that he's the good guy here who is doing this for both of us, but the selfish part of me wants him to throw all caution to the wind and just kiss me ... and more.

Yes, I'm thinking the unthinkable. I'm thinking the unthinkable about the engagement. How can I not when I feel such a connection with another person? I wouldn't be leaving Broadway for the obvious reason of wanting to be with another man, but I'd be leaving Broadway because my affections are so ethereal, so fickle, so unable to withstand the test of time. Is this new passion with someone else exciting because it's new? It's hard to remember the same level of passion with Broadway, but maybe it's just been too long, and my memory's clouded. I don't know if I should be marrying someone when I question these things.

Every day that passes is one day fewer that I'll get to see him. I leave Beijing in mid-April. That's 1 month and 3 weeks left. He leaves for Japan for a week (or two?) early March. That's 1 month and 2 weeks left. Each day he self-preserves is one day less that I can see him.

Beijing's not just another city anymore. It's the city that contains him.

I don't want to leave Beijing. I want all the time in the world to spend with him.

In trouble again

It's been a long time since I've noticed other men for more than platonic reasons. Broadway and I had a ton of ups and downs earlier in our relationship. I questioned being with him and compared him with lots of guys around me and wondered why I was with Broadway and not with these other men.

But for the past year, year and a half, we have been so happy and so content. It's not that I haven't met other men whom I've found physically attractive. I have, but I've hardly ever been attracted to their personalities. Now I compare Broadway to these men and thank the lord that I'm with Broadway, that he is real, that he is a good person, that he sees the world the way that he does. There's nothing wrong with these other attractive men, they're nice people, but they are not the kind of people I want to spend the rest of my life with.

For the past week or so though, I've developed a deeper connection with someone. The same things that draw me to Broadway draw me to this guy, and I'm reminded of emotional cheating. Even if you aren't actually cheating physically, the emotional longing still feels wrong. Unlike physical cheating where you can stop yourself, emotional longing doesn't feel as controllable. How do I stop the emotional connection I feel with someone?

This guy knows about Broadway and knows that we are engaged. He says it's the most frustrating unrequited love ever. It's not technically unrequited, just impossible.