Coming out of college, I worried that I wouldn't have enough good, solid girlfriends to have the "right" number of bridesmaids at my wedding, whatever that number might be. And then I worried that none of my good solid girlfriends would themselves get married anytime soon, so when will I ever be a bridesmaid? What the heck?? I am glad that I'm past that mental phase of my life now.
After my bridesmaid experience last summer and a wedding that I attended two weeks ago, I now wonder what is the point of bridesmaids? Are they there to help celebrate YOU, the bride? Or are they there for you, the bride, to celebrate and honor their friendship? Realistically, it's probably somewhere in between the two, but I wish it where more on the side of celebrating the friendship.
Being a bridesmaid sucks. It's so much time, money, energy, with little to no appreciation. I suppose you want to do something nice for your friend the bride, and the proper bridesmaid mentality is that you'll sacrifice yourself so your best friend in the world can have a fairy tale wedding. But really, it's just a super sucky job. You parade down the aisle in some off-green silk taffeta or other gown that matches the girl's next to you. Neither one of you particularly liked that dress, but it was the only one that all 5 of you didn't decidedly hate. Fantastic.
The wedding I attended two weeks ago also had 5 bridesmaids. They paraded down the aisle, only to sit back down once the priest started the ceremony (Catholic ceremonies are too long to stand through, apparently). As an old friend of the bride, I got invited to some of the pre-wedding festivities for the bride and girls. So I went to the bachelorette party with a sex toy rep (actually kinda fun) and a bridal lunch with an awkward assembly of the female members of both families. Wow, what a mess. I was so glad I could bow out, but the bridesmaids, they all had to stay there for many many hours longers.
So that made me think about where I now stand on bridesmaids. I don't think I want any bridesmaids at my wedding. I think I will just have one big party for a wedding. No walking down the aisle, no officiant making you exchange vows in front of everybody, no speeches by family and wedding party--just one big fat party. When you're talking about one big fat party, it makes even less sense to have bridesmaids. What would they even do? Help me get dressed before the party? But it was that exact part that I hated doing as a bridesmaid, and I feel rather royal and princessy making my friends help me dress and put on jewelry.
I wonder if my friends would be offended when I don't ask them to be bridesmaids. I do want to celebrate and thank them for their friendships on my big day. I definitely want them there to be a part of the big fat party. But would they feel weird getting some special acknowledgment without being a bridesmaid? This might be too much off the beaten-path. I like the part where the bride & groom give gifts to their wedding party. I really don't like the part where the wedding party is subjected to become servants, taking the "maid" part almost too literally.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
individuality
It turns out that Mr. Guy was writing a paper for a sociology project studying students and extracurricular activities. He went to websites of several big schools in the area and just looked up student groups and their officers. So now I helped Mr. Guy write his paper, and that made me feel pretty good.
I went on a 3-day ski trip again this past weekend. Broadway was too stressed about work, so he stayed in town wanting to crank out some experiments. I had a blast with my friends on the trip. I missed him, but ... I feel rather guilty that I know I had a better time without him than I would have had with him.
While some of the reasons for this is specific to Broadway, I also think that's just the way that I am. I feel tired in relationships, with Broadway and in past relationships. I feel tired that I need to think for two people instead of just one, myself. When I'm out with friends, I always feel guilty indulging in something I know the other person may not want to do. With Broadway, I often cut our night out with friends short and go home, or do things in ways that I know wouldn't bother him.
That's fine--I don't mind readjusting some of my ways for another person. You give and take in any relationship. It was just a relief to not have to think about any of this while away this weekend. I did so many things I wouldn't have otherwise done had Broadway been there. I went to the terrain park for the first time with a friend to try jumps. Broadway would have never done jumps with me (nor probably allowed me to go do jumps), and I would have felt bad leaving him to ski on his own while I did jumps. I went to apres-skis and parties that Broadway probably wouldn't have wanted to go to, wanting instead to just go home. I got up early every morning to hit the slopes, whereas Broadway would have wanted to sleep in for sure. I didn't mind skiing with a big group (more than 10 people), waiting for each others along each trail fork, which would have definitely annoyed the heck out of Broadway.
So maybe the difference between Broadway and me is our social behavior patterns. I have definitely come to crave activity and social interactions, especially with people I like. He loses patience with a lot of people, including people I hang out with. He keeps a small group of very close friends, whereas I have a really big social circle. He gets stressed out when I take him places because he doesn't know anyone and has to make small talk with strangers. I'm not the biggest fan of small talk, but I am inherently interested in people, so I liking meeting new people and finding out their experiences.
I don't always like the new people I meet, but more often than not, I find out something neat and interesting. Broadway's just not open-minded about social activities and would rather not meet anyone new. That doesn't mean he's unfriendly ... I think the cost-benefit for him just isn't worth it. He seldom meets someone whom he is that interested in, and with social situation being such stress cases for him, he just opts to bow out.
Which leaves me in a weird predicament. On the one hand, I feel guilty leaving him home while I go and hang out with my friends. On the other hand, his coming along just means he is miserable and I have a hard time enjoying myself knowing that he is miserable. I'd like to not feel guilty for going to hang out with my friends on my own, without Broadway. But I think this arrangement would be much less stressful for both of us, but it just doesn't feel right. Doing it means seeing him as a burden, and that feels wrong.
How much do couples hang out with their friends independently of each other? Broadway is pretty dependent, and I just feel that I'm in a different place than him on this issue. We are socially mismatched, and at what point would our coupledom lose its two-ness because I'm spending time with other people and Broadway is spending time with himself?
I went on a 3-day ski trip again this past weekend. Broadway was too stressed about work, so he stayed in town wanting to crank out some experiments. I had a blast with my friends on the trip. I missed him, but ... I feel rather guilty that I know I had a better time without him than I would have had with him.
While some of the reasons for this is specific to Broadway, I also think that's just the way that I am. I feel tired in relationships, with Broadway and in past relationships. I feel tired that I need to think for two people instead of just one, myself. When I'm out with friends, I always feel guilty indulging in something I know the other person may not want to do. With Broadway, I often cut our night out with friends short and go home, or do things in ways that I know wouldn't bother him.
That's fine--I don't mind readjusting some of my ways for another person. You give and take in any relationship. It was just a relief to not have to think about any of this while away this weekend. I did so many things I wouldn't have otherwise done had Broadway been there. I went to the terrain park for the first time with a friend to try jumps. Broadway would have never done jumps with me (nor probably allowed me to go do jumps), and I would have felt bad leaving him to ski on his own while I did jumps. I went to apres-skis and parties that Broadway probably wouldn't have wanted to go to, wanting instead to just go home. I got up early every morning to hit the slopes, whereas Broadway would have wanted to sleep in for sure. I didn't mind skiing with a big group (more than 10 people), waiting for each others along each trail fork, which would have definitely annoyed the heck out of Broadway.
So maybe the difference between Broadway and me is our social behavior patterns. I have definitely come to crave activity and social interactions, especially with people I like. He loses patience with a lot of people, including people I hang out with. He keeps a small group of very close friends, whereas I have a really big social circle. He gets stressed out when I take him places because he doesn't know anyone and has to make small talk with strangers. I'm not the biggest fan of small talk, but I am inherently interested in people, so I liking meeting new people and finding out their experiences.
I don't always like the new people I meet, but more often than not, I find out something neat and interesting. Broadway's just not open-minded about social activities and would rather not meet anyone new. That doesn't mean he's unfriendly ... I think the cost-benefit for him just isn't worth it. He seldom meets someone whom he is that interested in, and with social situation being such stress cases for him, he just opts to bow out.
Which leaves me in a weird predicament. On the one hand, I feel guilty leaving him home while I go and hang out with my friends. On the other hand, his coming along just means he is miserable and I have a hard time enjoying myself knowing that he is miserable. I'd like to not feel guilty for going to hang out with my friends on my own, without Broadway. But I think this arrangement would be much less stressful for both of us, but it just doesn't feel right. Doing it means seeing him as a burden, and that feels wrong.
How much do couples hang out with their friends independently of each other? Broadway is pretty dependent, and I just feel that I'm in a different place than him on this issue. We are socially mismatched, and at what point would our coupledom lose its two-ness because I'm spending time with other people and Broadway is spending time with himself?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
strange ...
Here's something quick ...
I got a random email today, from someone I don't recall having ever met. In fact, googling the name turns up nothing. He's not a student, nor does he have a Google footprint. The email went as such:
Hello Seine,
I am very impressed that you are able to juggle a specular [sic] load of extra-curricular activities on top of being a graduate student at [University]. Has this negatively impacted your work? Do you think you would have been much more productive in research (and perhaps even have graduated by now) if the time and energy you spent on activities were instead directed at your work? Looking back, do you regret having spent your time in this way? Does your advisor know and/or approve? And what do you plan to do after graduation?
Sincerely,
Random Guy
Not sure what to make of this. All of his questions are so negative. Would I have been more productive? Would I have been a better student? It pretty much implies that I've not made academics my priority when I should have as a student first and foremost. Well, first and foremost, there is not a single sentence about himself.
Broadway said I should just ignore the email. I probably should have, but I'm so weak for stuff like this. Someone contacts me out of the blue ... it makes me feel kinda important, you know? Even if it all seems to judging and negative.
So I shot the following back:
Hi Random Guy,
Are you wondering about juggling the two yourself? I'm curious as to why you ask. Perhaps we've met, and I'm just not recalling ...
Seine
Let's see if Mr. Guy responds.
I got a random email today, from someone I don't recall having ever met. In fact, googling the name turns up nothing. He's not a student, nor does he have a Google footprint. The email went as such:
Hello Seine,
I am very impressed that you are able to juggle a specular [sic] load of extra-curricular activities on top of being a graduate student at [University]. Has this negatively impacted your work? Do you think you would have been much more productive in research (and perhaps even have graduated by now) if the time and energy you spent on activities were instead directed at your work? Looking back, do you regret having spent your time in this way? Does your advisor know and/or approve? And what do you plan to do after graduation?
Sincerely,
Random Guy
Not sure what to make of this. All of his questions are so negative. Would I have been more productive? Would I have been a better student? It pretty much implies that I've not made academics my priority when I should have as a student first and foremost. Well, first and foremost, there is not a single sentence about himself.
Broadway said I should just ignore the email. I probably should have, but I'm so weak for stuff like this. Someone contacts me out of the blue ... it makes me feel kinda important, you know? Even if it all seems to judging and negative.
So I shot the following back:
Hi Random Guy,
Are you wondering about juggling the two yourself? I'm curious as to why you ask. Perhaps we've met, and I'm just not recalling ...
Seine
Let's see if Mr. Guy responds.
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