individuality

It turns out that Mr. Guy was writing a paper for a sociology project studying students and extracurricular activities. He went to websites of several big schools in the area and just looked up student groups and their officers. So now I helped Mr. Guy write his paper, and that made me feel pretty good.

I went on a 3-day ski trip again this past weekend. Broadway was too stressed about work, so he stayed in town wanting to crank out some experiments. I had a blast with my friends on the trip. I missed him, but ... I feel rather guilty that I know I had a better time without him than I would have had with him.

While some of the reasons for this is specific to Broadway, I also think that's just the way that I am. I feel tired in relationships, with Broadway and in past relationships. I feel tired that I need to think for two people instead of just one, myself. When I'm out with friends, I always feel guilty indulging in something I know the other person may not want to do. With Broadway, I often cut our night out with friends short and go home, or do things in ways that I know wouldn't bother him.

That's fine--I don't mind readjusting some of my ways for another person. You give and take in any relationship. It was just a relief to not have to think about any of this while away this weekend. I did so many things I wouldn't have otherwise done had Broadway been there. I went to the terrain park for the first time with a friend to try jumps. Broadway would have never done jumps with me (nor probably allowed me to go do jumps), and I would have felt bad leaving him to ski on his own while I did jumps. I went to apres-skis and parties that Broadway probably wouldn't have wanted to go to, wanting instead to just go home. I got up early every morning to hit the slopes, whereas Broadway would have wanted to sleep in for sure. I didn't mind skiing with a big group (more than 10 people), waiting for each others along each trail fork, which would have definitely annoyed the heck out of Broadway.

So maybe the difference between Broadway and me is our social behavior patterns. I have definitely come to crave activity and social interactions, especially with people I like. He loses patience with a lot of people, including people I hang out with. He keeps a small group of very close friends, whereas I have a really big social circle. He gets stressed out when I take him places because he doesn't know anyone and has to make small talk with strangers. I'm not the biggest fan of small talk, but I am inherently interested in people, so I liking meeting new people and finding out their experiences.

I don't always like the new people I meet, but more often than not, I find out something neat and interesting. Broadway's just not open-minded about social activities and would rather not meet anyone new. That doesn't mean he's unfriendly ... I think the cost-benefit for him just isn't worth it. He seldom meets someone whom he is that interested in, and with social situation being such stress cases for him, he just opts to bow out.

Which leaves me in a weird predicament. On the one hand, I feel guilty leaving him home while I go and hang out with my friends. On the other hand, his coming along just means he is miserable and I have a hard time enjoying myself knowing that he is miserable. I'd like to not feel guilty for going to hang out with my friends on my own, without Broadway. But I think this arrangement would be much less stressful for both of us, but it just doesn't feel right. Doing it means seeing him as a burden, and that feels wrong.

How much do couples hang out with their friends independently of each other? Broadway is pretty dependent, and I just feel that I'm in a different place than him on this issue. We are socially mismatched, and at what point would our coupledom lose its two-ness because I'm spending time with other people and Broadway is spending time with himself?