I constantly draft posts in my head, but I never manage to sit down to actually commit them to writing. I think about all these random things throughout the day that are funny or strange or poignant enough to want to share with you all, but I just never get to it. I also have some not-so-nice thoughts that I run through and would love to rant about, but they never make it here either.
I wonder sometimes why I even still have this blog if I never write it in consistently. I think it is more useful for the drafting of posts in my head than for actual posting of posts that started in my head. And then there are times like tonight, that while sitting on the couch, I just feel inexplicably compelled to let stream of consciousness take over and write in my blog.
Let's start with the not-so-nice thoughts first. I think I have a crush, on a younger guy, or maybe he has a crush on me. I'm not sure which it is, but it sure is exciting to semi flirt with him. He is 20, so very very young, but oh so cute, and if I were 20, I would totally hit on him. Now, being 26, I really just want to "show him the way", so to speak. Of course nothing would come of it--I am not serious about anything. It is no more than the feeling of an innocent high school crush. It just feel so good knowing that he looks up to me, respects me, and that he probably sees me as the sexy older woman who could show him the way but is way out of his league. God, that makes me feel so old. But also kinda giddy.
I've also been thinking a lot about my exes recently, for whatever reason. Well, I guess it did have reason. My birthday was about a month ago, and I heard nothing from THE Ex*. That hurt. I send him a birthday wish every year on his birthday. Albeit usually an one-liner, I send it to show that I still remember and that I still care. I guess I always thought that he did, too. This birthday started me on an inner journey of bitterness as I re-evaluated everything from our relationship. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him, but it was all just a lie. Yes, we were young and probably not so aware of our own emotions, but now I know that he really just led me on because he wasn't man enough to tell me I wasn't the one. He was too chicken to end things, so he just let them be. That was a relationship that should have only lasted a year or so, and yet it dragged on for 2.5, only to end so horrifically painfully for both of us. He was/is a good person and always wanted to do good by me, but he couldn't do the best thing for both of us and tell me the truth that he didn't love me.
This brought me to today as I for whatever reason thought back to the perfect guy that I ever dated. It was short, only a couple of months during our third year in college, but I have never felt that good about myself or about anybody else ever. He was the perfect romantic for me, just the right amount and in that naturally goofy lovable way that is so sincere. It really was a shame the way things ended, but we remained friends for a long time and The Ex was always somewhat jealous of the chemistry I obviously continued to have with this guy. Now he is in some exotic African country halfway around the world.
Which I guess finally brings me to Broadway. I never post good things about Broadway. Everything up until now has mostly been complaining and griping and ranting. But honestly, I don't have much to complain about Broadway anymore. Things over the last couple of months have been absolutely amazing. We click; we have fun together; we don't get annoyed (much) with each other. I accept his many oddities of character ticks, just has he probably accepts many of mine. We still have the occasional fight, but we get over them quickly and are back to coo coo-ing at each other. Is he the absolutely perfect guy for me that I have always dreamed of? Definitely not. But he is so very good for me in ways that I never even thought was possible. So, I guess things are going well :)
*He's been on here before as the Engineer I wanted to marry and the giver of the Patagonia jacket.
