When a relationship gets to the point when you're spending the night over at his place (and/or he at yours), the issue of toiletries become ... well, an issue. Is he worth the extra toothbrush in my medicine cabinet I was saving for myself? How do I deal with the fact that he is a guy and has no conditioner in his shower?
With a guy I dated last summer, the BIG toiletry issue was soap. My soap of choice is Dove. It leaves my skin soft and moisturized. It is also a very soft soap. This guy last summer was hairy: arm hair, chest hair, leg hair, back hair, thick forest of hair everywhere hair kind of hairy. Before him, the compatibility of soap with one's hairiness was nowhere near my issues radar, but as it turns out, soft moisturizing soap is not compatible with hair. Well, it is; it just disappears in 2-3 days because the extra hair lathers extra soap.
This guy last summer burned through 2 bars of my good soap in a matter of days, soap that would have otherwise lasted me a couple of months. He did have the awareness to realize that he, hairy Jewish guy, was using soap at a far greater rate than I, non-hairy Asian girl. Being the conscientious person that he was, he offered to go to the store and buy some. Walking through the soap aisle, he points to the type that he always buys. It is the cheapest one there; he claims that not only is it cheap, but it lasts and gets the job done, so it's his brand of choice.
Cheap it was. I think we got three bars for $1. Last, it did. Three days after we started the first bar, it was still intact and semi-rectangular. However, it was hard, dry, and left my skin feeling like sandpaper. Fine, whatever, at least he's not burning through my good soap, and I'll just switch to my body wash.
THEN, we broke up, before we even made it through the first bar.
This was when I reflected on the situation and became angry. I felt like he duped me and stole from me. I was down two bars of good soap, both sacrificed for his body hair, and all he left me were 2.5 bars of dry, nasty-smelling soap that grated on my skin, literally and figuratively.
Apparently, cheap, the guy, was too.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
falling out with mom & dad
Last week, I finally told my mom that RC and I had broken up, which was a big deal for me because I never wanted them to have the satisfaction of knowing that we had broken up. Even way back in December, I shunned the idea of letting my parents in the loop to any breakups that would happen with me and RC. I'm not sure why I decided to finally mention to my mom, but I did, and she started asking questions.
She asked me why we broke up. I've always said that I want our breakup to be free from reasons involving my parents, and making the parents feel like they influenced our relationship is giving them too much power. In the end though, I told my mom that she was the reason that we broke up. Her nosiness and not minding her own business made me so unhappy that I was irritable all the time, and why would he want to be with someone snappy and in a bad mood at all times?
I told her that I was happy and that she ruined my happiness (which may be a bit exaggerated, but true for the most part). She asked me what she can do for me at this point, and I told her that she can't do anything, that she has already ruined everything.
In the end, I told her a lot of the things that I've been meaning to tell her all along, or have tried to tell her all along but that which she has refused to listen because first and foremost on her mind was the fact that I was going to marry a man with a broken back. But she listened now because she was no longer pre-occupied with my still dating RC.
So I told her how much I hated her for butting into this whole thing, how she was entitled to her opinion but that in the end it was my choice and that if she disagreed, she's free to mention it, but I am also free to not listen to her. Finally, I told her that she was the cause of my unhappiness, that I was so happy and she just HAD to go f- that up.
A week later, I do my daughterly duty of calling them again, and I talk to my dad this time. He, in a very soothing voice, says to me "So, mom tells me that you and RC are essentially not in a relationship anymore." I confirm that, to which he replies, still very soothingly, "Well, at some point, I'd like to sit down with you and talk about this whole thing."
I flat out rejected that and said that I no longer want to talk about this anymore. He said he's just trying to help, to comfort me and to help me not be sad and upset about the relationship. Bullshit, he wants to tell me why I ultimately made the right choice and comfort me from that angle, which is about the last thing I need right now.
The result of this? I don't tell my parents about my dating life. They don't know anything about any of these men in my life, and until they come up here in June for their annual summer visit, they will continue to not know. And I told my mom that ... that she shouldn't expect to be kept in the loop any more.
She asked me why we broke up. I've always said that I want our breakup to be free from reasons involving my parents, and making the parents feel like they influenced our relationship is giving them too much power. In the end though, I told my mom that she was the reason that we broke up. Her nosiness and not minding her own business made me so unhappy that I was irritable all the time, and why would he want to be with someone snappy and in a bad mood at all times?
I told her that I was happy and that she ruined my happiness (which may be a bit exaggerated, but true for the most part). She asked me what she can do for me at this point, and I told her that she can't do anything, that she has already ruined everything.
In the end, I told her a lot of the things that I've been meaning to tell her all along, or have tried to tell her all along but that which she has refused to listen because first and foremost on her mind was the fact that I was going to marry a man with a broken back. But she listened now because she was no longer pre-occupied with my still dating RC.
So I told her how much I hated her for butting into this whole thing, how she was entitled to her opinion but that in the end it was my choice and that if she disagreed, she's free to mention it, but I am also free to not listen to her. Finally, I told her that she was the cause of my unhappiness, that I was so happy and she just HAD to go f- that up.
A week later, I do my daughterly duty of calling them again, and I talk to my dad this time. He, in a very soothing voice, says to me "So, mom tells me that you and RC are essentially not in a relationship anymore." I confirm that, to which he replies, still very soothingly, "Well, at some point, I'd like to sit down with you and talk about this whole thing."
I flat out rejected that and said that I no longer want to talk about this anymore. He said he's just trying to help, to comfort me and to help me not be sad and upset about the relationship. Bullshit, he wants to tell me why I ultimately made the right choice and comfort me from that angle, which is about the last thing I need right now.
The result of this? I don't tell my parents about my dating life. They don't know anything about any of these men in my life, and until they come up here in June for their annual summer visit, they will continue to not know. And I told my mom that ... that she shouldn't expect to be kept in the loop any more.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
trying not to think too much
In an effort to not think too much about stuff, here is my list of things that I will ignore with Gchat Boy/TA:
1) He is emotionally unstable and has only dated girls who are equally emotional unstable, if not more, than him. He is amazed by my stability and wonders if he will create the same types of burdens for me that his emotionally unstable ex's created for him.
2) When I mentioned that my parents didn't like RC's whole broken back thing because they're afraid he wouldn't be able to provide for me in the long run, he thought that was silly because my parents were so absolutely ingrained in the whole concept of "till-death-do-us-part." I'm sorry if I missed something, but I would think I'd marry with the intention of not parting until death. Whether or not it actually works out that way will remain to be seen, but I would want to walk down the aisle with that intention. Does he not?
3) He shuns middle class white culture. While I, too joke that all too often, middle class America is focused on white picket fences, soccer mom vans, and 2.5 kids per household, I do hold dear to my heart the idea of a normal, mainstream family. He pretty much shies away from anything remotely resembling convention.
4) I mentioned that in past relationships, I have a tendency to think too deeply, too analytically, and too far into the future evaluating everyone's long-term potential. Having not gotten anywhere thinking that way, I said that I'm trying hard not to think too much about stuff, to which he said that he never thinks about those things. He just takes them as they come. Which makes me wonder, just what IS he looking for?
5) He wears a beard. He's worn it since freshmen year of college. It's short and well-kept, but I want to see his face.
1) He is emotionally unstable and has only dated girls who are equally emotional unstable, if not more, than him. He is amazed by my stability and wonders if he will create the same types of burdens for me that his emotionally unstable ex's created for him.
2) When I mentioned that my parents didn't like RC's whole broken back thing because they're afraid he wouldn't be able to provide for me in the long run, he thought that was silly because my parents were so absolutely ingrained in the whole concept of "till-death-do-us-part." I'm sorry if I missed something, but I would think I'd marry with the intention of not parting until death. Whether or not it actually works out that way will remain to be seen, but I would want to walk down the aisle with that intention. Does he not?
3) He shuns middle class white culture. While I, too joke that all too often, middle class America is focused on white picket fences, soccer mom vans, and 2.5 kids per household, I do hold dear to my heart the idea of a normal, mainstream family. He pretty much shies away from anything remotely resembling convention.
4) I mentioned that in past relationships, I have a tendency to think too deeply, too analytically, and too far into the future evaluating everyone's long-term potential. Having not gotten anywhere thinking that way, I said that I'm trying hard not to think too much about stuff, to which he said that he never thinks about those things. He just takes them as they come. Which makes me wonder, just what IS he looking for?
5) He wears a beard. He's worn it since freshmen year of college. It's short and well-kept, but I want to see his face.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
and it's down to 1 again
Originally, since the Brit kept asking me about snowboarding, and the Belgian kept asking me about watching a movie, I had a grand master plan to go snowboarding this past Sunday with the both of them and kill two birds with one stone and show them both that I am not interested in that way. In the end, I decided that was too much trouble, and I don't have the energy right now for scheming, so I canceled the snowboarding trip altogether and saw neither one of them and left things very platonic with the Brit.
I made some excuse about being busy for school, having to run errands, and having to make a presentation for my lab. I left a message for the Belgian saying that we were no longer going snowboarding, which was my original excuse for not being able to go see a movie. However, my message mentioned nothing about a movie as I hoped to just leave it at "no snowboarding."
Belgian called back Sunday night and asked if I was busy. I said I was busy and stressed about all that I have to do, hoping to carry further an excuse for not doing something. Except that backfired because he then said "well, in that case, I have something for you." Great. So I had to meet up with him, and he gave me a small package of chocolates.
Since then, he's called me twice, left a message once, sent me a couple of emails, all of which went unanswered. I was hoping he would get the hint, but he didn't. I got another email from him today, subject "dinner?":
Mini,
I didn't see you at salsa last night; are you very busy? I called you to see how your presentation went. Really though, I called because I would still like to invite you to dinner this weekend. If you would like to get dinner with me, let me know.
Thanks,
Belgian
I wasn't sure how to reply and decided that I need to sit down with him in person and say something along the lines of I don't want to be presumptuous, but I get the feeling you want to be more than friends, and I really just want to be friends. So I emailed back explaining why I didn't go to salsa last night (I had a ultimate game) and that I don't think I can do dinner this weekend. I also asked him if he would be free for coffee tomorrow afternoon. If he doesn't reply because he finally got the hint, then all the better. If he does reply, then I'll be upfront with him and tell him that I'm only interested in friendship.
As for the 1, Gchat Boy is it... I called RC today to tell him I started dating someone, and also to see how he's doing lately. To my surprise, he told me that he's started dating someone as well. That made me really happy; I am glad that he's doing well and seeing someone new as well. Most of all, I'm really happy that RC and I are where we are right now. I think we both care very much about each other, but we both know that we wouldn't work as a couple, so the best thing, though slightly bittersweet, is knowing that the other person is not alone and hopefully happy with someone new.
I made some excuse about being busy for school, having to run errands, and having to make a presentation for my lab. I left a message for the Belgian saying that we were no longer going snowboarding, which was my original excuse for not being able to go see a movie. However, my message mentioned nothing about a movie as I hoped to just leave it at "no snowboarding."
Belgian called back Sunday night and asked if I was busy. I said I was busy and stressed about all that I have to do, hoping to carry further an excuse for not doing something. Except that backfired because he then said "well, in that case, I have something for you." Great. So I had to meet up with him, and he gave me a small package of chocolates.
Since then, he's called me twice, left a message once, sent me a couple of emails, all of which went unanswered. I was hoping he would get the hint, but he didn't. I got another email from him today, subject "dinner?":
Mini,
I didn't see you at salsa last night; are you very busy? I called you to see how your presentation went. Really though, I called because I would still like to invite you to dinner this weekend. If you would like to get dinner with me, let me know.
Thanks,
Belgian
I wasn't sure how to reply and decided that I need to sit down with him in person and say something along the lines of I don't want to be presumptuous, but I get the feeling you want to be more than friends, and I really just want to be friends. So I emailed back explaining why I didn't go to salsa last night (I had a ultimate game) and that I don't think I can do dinner this weekend. I also asked him if he would be free for coffee tomorrow afternoon. If he doesn't reply because he finally got the hint, then all the better. If he does reply, then I'll be upfront with him and tell him that I'm only interested in friendship.
As for the 1, Gchat Boy is it... I called RC today to tell him I started dating someone, and also to see how he's doing lately. To my surprise, he told me that he's started dating someone as well. That made me really happy; I am glad that he's doing well and seeing someone new as well. Most of all, I'm really happy that RC and I are where we are right now. I think we both care very much about each other, but we both know that we wouldn't work as a couple, so the best thing, though slightly bittersweet, is knowing that the other person is not alone and hopefully happy with someone new.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
okay, let's recap because this is getting confusing
Gchat Boy first - we went on that date that I thought I had forced but that which ended up being fairly nice. We very randomly ran into his college roommate while walking downtown, which prompted some introductions and also his inviting me to a celebration thing for the said roommate's birthday this coming Thursday night. Inviting me to things for his friends is a good sign, right?
After dinner (he paid, kissing me and saying that I owed him nothing when I offered to split the bill), he came with me to meet up with some friends of mine. I wasn't sure if he would be up for it, especially since he wouldn't know anyone in the group, but he agreed right away. At first I was very impressed, but later the thought crossed my mind that perhaps he was hanging around to the end so as to be able to go home with me.
Which he did, but nothing happened. We cuddled, talked, and went to sleep. Where is this leading? I don't know. I went over and stayed with him last night, and he commented that he's surprised, in a good way, that we've gotten so comfortable with each other so quickly. Which is true; we do act very comfortably around each other...
So I think it's fair to say that just about everything started up with Gchat Boy over spring break, caused by that drunken hookup at the department retreat. Coincidentally, I met two other guys right around that weekend of St. Patrick's Day, before the retreat, and in a big colliding of the clock hands, this was the same weekend when I ended things with Econ Guy. Well, my ignoring him at a party was a big enough hint, right? And he hasn't called since.
Both of the guys I met that weekend went on vacation for spring break, but not before each individually securing some excuse for seeing me after getting back (one wanted to go snowboarding one last time this season; the other recommended an excellent movie to watch together because he loved it so much, he wouldn't mind seeing it again).
Now that spring break is over, both are back, and both are asking me to hold up my end of the bargain. Belgian is really gorgeous; I met him at a salsa class offered by a local organization. I told West Side that I could stare at his face all day without getting bored. He wanted to see a movie, and since I had originally agreed to, I went (yes, I know I should have tried to back out). Now he wants to see another movie, and I just don't know how to respond.
The second guy, Brit, and I met on a snowboarding bus trip I was leading. He brought his parents along, who were visiting from Britain. I thought that was really cute, and the first thing he said to me when he saw me on the bus was to ask me if I had come straight from the party on Elm street. I suppose he picked me out in the party crowd, but I don't remember his face at all. Now that he's back from spring break, he wants to go snowboarding one last time. I feel bad for saying no because I originally told him I'd be up for something for this weekend... But now I'm not really in the mood.
I think the better question to ask out of all of this is not what I should do, but who I want to actually pursue? Instead of sitting around waiting for them to be assertive and aggressive, they've all kinda done their parts, and I need to figure out just who I want. Is Gchat Boy really the best choice (Belgian's sooo cute)? I wish men would come in series and not in parallel.
After dinner (he paid, kissing me and saying that I owed him nothing when I offered to split the bill), he came with me to meet up with some friends of mine. I wasn't sure if he would be up for it, especially since he wouldn't know anyone in the group, but he agreed right away. At first I was very impressed, but later the thought crossed my mind that perhaps he was hanging around to the end so as to be able to go home with me.
Which he did, but nothing happened. We cuddled, talked, and went to sleep. Where is this leading? I don't know. I went over and stayed with him last night, and he commented that he's surprised, in a good way, that we've gotten so comfortable with each other so quickly. Which is true; we do act very comfortably around each other...
So I think it's fair to say that just about everything started up with Gchat Boy over spring break, caused by that drunken hookup at the department retreat. Coincidentally, I met two other guys right around that weekend of St. Patrick's Day, before the retreat, and in a big colliding of the clock hands, this was the same weekend when I ended things with Econ Guy. Well, my ignoring him at a party was a big enough hint, right? And he hasn't called since.
Both of the guys I met that weekend went on vacation for spring break, but not before each individually securing some excuse for seeing me after getting back (one wanted to go snowboarding one last time this season; the other recommended an excellent movie to watch together because he loved it so much, he wouldn't mind seeing it again).
Now that spring break is over, both are back, and both are asking me to hold up my end of the bargain. Belgian is really gorgeous; I met him at a salsa class offered by a local organization. I told West Side that I could stare at his face all day without getting bored. He wanted to see a movie, and since I had originally agreed to, I went (yes, I know I should have tried to back out). Now he wants to see another movie, and I just don't know how to respond.
The second guy, Brit, and I met on a snowboarding bus trip I was leading. He brought his parents along, who were visiting from Britain. I thought that was really cute, and the first thing he said to me when he saw me on the bus was to ask me if I had come straight from the party on Elm street. I suppose he picked me out in the party crowd, but I don't remember his face at all. Now that he's back from spring break, he wants to go snowboarding one last time. I feel bad for saying no because I originally told him I'd be up for something for this weekend... But now I'm not really in the mood.
I think the better question to ask out of all of this is not what I should do, but who I want to actually pursue? Instead of sitting around waiting for them to be assertive and aggressive, they've all kinda done their parts, and I need to figure out just who I want. Is Gchat Boy really the best choice (Belgian's sooo cute)? I wish men would come in series and not in parallel.
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