Not sure how it happened, but it seems that I have entered a phase of my life when I need to write recommendations for others. Back in August, a friend asked me to write a recommendation for his business school applications. I spent considerable time on it because he deserved to have a good recommendation. In the end, I thought I wrote him something pretty darn good.
"The problem," as Broadway pointed out, "when you do a good job is that people come back asking for more."
Which is exactly what happened. The friend was shocked at how good he thought it was and asked if I would be willing to modify it for his application to another school Then another. Now, worrying that his first round MBA applications may not pan out, he's applying to two more schools and wants my recommendation for those as well. Most of it is just rearranging what I already wrote, but every school has its own unique questions. This time around, I have to answer "If you could change one thing about the applicant, what would it be?"
How do you answer a question like that? Maybe "I wish I hadn't given him a copy of the original recommendation to read." But that's actually something I would change about myself, not him.
A former student also asked me recently to write a recommendation for something he is applying for in graduate school. I really like the kid, so again, I want to write something that deserves him. But I didn't know him all that well, so I feel a bit stressed about that.
In other news, my parents took me to Arby's for lunch today because I love their roast beef sandwiches. My dad also ordered two fries for all of us, but didn't specify the size when he ordered. The lady at the registered assumed two small fries, and my dad only realized the mistake after having already paid. He asked her if it's possible to change our order, and she kinda thought about it at the register, then without saying a word just went and filled 2 large fries containers without charging us anything extra.
When she came back, my dad gave her a dollar bill (actually the exact cost difference) and thanked her. She smiled really big.
That made me happy, much happier than if we had just ordered everything correctly the first time around. I'm glad we made her smile so big.
I also asked Broadway today what, if anything, are we going to do on New Year's Eve. He said he wasn't sure, so I mentioned this cruise thing that I had heard about (and some fringe acquaintances were going to). I didn't think he would be interested, I said. Not surprisingly, he agreed, but it didn't stop me from being curious about the cruise nonetheless.
So I went in search of Boston New Year's Eve events and found this website. As much as I'd like to bash the silly people who don their holiday dresses and go to these events, I was part of that crowd myself just a couple of years ago. Some high school friends and I went to an expensive bash down here in the South, going because it was The Ball to attend if you were anybody in this town. It made me wonder if I was over all this stuff mainly because I'm older now and don't really care or mainly because Broadway doesn't like these things.
Regardless, I visited the event ticket sites to see what there was to see ... and was surprised that there is a $25 discount on this. I would deduce from this that they're not selling that many tickets, or as many as they're used to selling in previous years. The economy's so bad that people don't even want to celebrate New Year's Eve.
Or maybe in these lean economic times, more people are realizing the frivolity of these "society" balls.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
things I thought about today
My parents are getting old, but they still have the same faults that they've always had: my dad's stubbornness and explosive temper, and my mom's nosiness and cluelessness. They raise their voices a lot, but sometimes only for 30 seconds. The moment passes, and they're back to laughing and smiling. Sounds weird for any relationship, but it's worked for them. I just feel lonely watching their lives, but they themselves are the ones who say they really just enjoy interacting with each other and don't care about other friends.
Coming home once a year is actually kind of strange. Nothing here has changed, but I know that I have changed so much. Besides my room and my bed and the things in our house still being in the same place they were when I was little, my parents are still the same. Their thoughts and perspectives are the same as they were when I was little. Yet, I am completely different. It's like my parents live in a time capsule that I open once a year around Christmas time.
Sitting around reading blogs and daydreaming today, I came across Roxy's entry about sugar daddies. It made me curious enough to go browsing around a sugar daddy website myself to see what kinds of men are available in my area. A couple of them actually caught my eye (if their profiles and pictures are to be believed). Would I ever do this? Wow, I don't know. I definitely wish I had the guts to do it (and in a more single state of being that I would be able to do it).
Ultimately, I think I would be too chicken and too afraid that something bad would happen to me. But wow, I'm tempted, and not exactly sure why. What does that say about me? I'm not really sure either. But at 26, I feel I'm a bit too old for sites like that. Aren't they looking for 20 year olds?
I've been holding out on Twitter for a long time. I know everyone is doing it, but I just didn't think it's for me. I don't own a phone with data (and have no plans to get one), so I would never twitter on the go. I'm at my computer most of the day, but do I really need to broadcast what I'm doing constantly? Isn't that why I never update my facebook status? But at home with nothing to do, I signed up for Twitter, just to "try it out." Very nicely, it offered to check my email account for friends who are already members. I was surprised at the list ... even a couple of professors!
So in the end, I gave in to Twitter. I'll give it a shot, but don't hold your breath.
On the relationship front, I've been thinking about Broadway here and there. We had some interested conversations about our future right before I left for the holidays, on a jet plane. We're both graduating sometime in 2009, so the question is "Then what?"
Where do we go? Do we stay in Boston? Do we go somewhere else? To him, the question is how to both find jobs in the same location, if not Boston? To me, I think I'm still a little hung up on the whole "Do we look for jobs in the same location, even if that's Boston?" part.
So I've been thinking about this last part the most. What does it mean that I am still mulling that one over in my head? That I question whether or not it's important for us to be in the same place geographically after graduating?
Am I doing the same thing to Broadway that the Ex did to me three years ago? If I'm not sure about things, I should just lay it out straight for Broadway, right? But I guess I'm not sure if I'm sure about things, which probably was where the Ex found himself then, too. So really, I can't blame him too much. But I'm thinking hard about it ... and I don't think the Ex ever did.
But that honestly is the only thinking that I've done about the Ex and his whole engagement stuff. I couldn't care less anymore. Ever since writing that email, I've just stopped thinking about it all. And now, I am really glad I kept that email as uncomplicated as I did. I know I took the higher road. Ha!
Will write more on Broadway later ... it deserves its own entry. I also got an internship, which was a nice surprise.
Coming home once a year is actually kind of strange. Nothing here has changed, but I know that I have changed so much. Besides my room and my bed and the things in our house still being in the same place they were when I was little, my parents are still the same. Their thoughts and perspectives are the same as they were when I was little. Yet, I am completely different. It's like my parents live in a time capsule that I open once a year around Christmas time.
Sitting around reading blogs and daydreaming today, I came across Roxy's entry about sugar daddies. It made me curious enough to go browsing around a sugar daddy website myself to see what kinds of men are available in my area. A couple of them actually caught my eye (if their profiles and pictures are to be believed). Would I ever do this? Wow, I don't know. I definitely wish I had the guts to do it (and in a more single state of being that I would be able to do it).
Ultimately, I think I would be too chicken and too afraid that something bad would happen to me. But wow, I'm tempted, and not exactly sure why. What does that say about me? I'm not really sure either. But at 26, I feel I'm a bit too old for sites like that. Aren't they looking for 20 year olds?
I've been holding out on Twitter for a long time. I know everyone is doing it, but I just didn't think it's for me. I don't own a phone with data (and have no plans to get one), so I would never twitter on the go. I'm at my computer most of the day, but do I really need to broadcast what I'm doing constantly? Isn't that why I never update my facebook status? But at home with nothing to do, I signed up for Twitter, just to "try it out." Very nicely, it offered to check my email account for friends who are already members. I was surprised at the list ... even a couple of professors!
So in the end, I gave in to Twitter. I'll give it a shot, but don't hold your breath.
On the relationship front, I've been thinking about Broadway here and there. We had some interested conversations about our future right before I left for the holidays, on a jet plane. We're both graduating sometime in 2009, so the question is "Then what?"
Where do we go? Do we stay in Boston? Do we go somewhere else? To him, the question is how to both find jobs in the same location, if not Boston? To me, I think I'm still a little hung up on the whole "Do we look for jobs in the same location, even if that's Boston?" part.
So I've been thinking about this last part the most. What does it mean that I am still mulling that one over in my head? That I question whether or not it's important for us to be in the same place geographically after graduating?
Am I doing the same thing to Broadway that the Ex did to me three years ago? If I'm not sure about things, I should just lay it out straight for Broadway, right? But I guess I'm not sure if I'm sure about things, which probably was where the Ex found himself then, too. So really, I can't blame him too much. But I'm thinking hard about it ... and I don't think the Ex ever did.
But that honestly is the only thinking that I've done about the Ex and his whole engagement stuff. I couldn't care less anymore. Ever since writing that email, I've just stopped thinking about it all. And now, I am really glad I kept that email as uncomplicated as I did. I know I took the higher road. Ha!
Will write more on Broadway later ... it deserves its own entry. I also got an internship, which was a nice surprise.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
the email i didn't think i could write
Hi [The Ex],
I heard from [Mutual Friend] this week that you got engaged! Congratulations!!! I'm really happy for you and [New Girl] and am really glad that you guys found each other and are as happy as you must be.
[Mutual Friend] also mentioned that [Your Brother] got engaged earlier this year, and I laughed at that (in a good way!). It was wonderful to hear about all this good news, and I'm sure they're helping to lift your mom's mood. (Last time we really talked, she was having some hard times ... )
So, do you guys have a wedding date in mind? Is she still in [Midwest City]?
Happy holidays, and I hope you're staying warm! (It snowed tons in Boston today, and it's still snowing)
[Seine]
Once I decided that the email needed only to be congratulatory, it was much easier to start it. Once I got the first sentence down, the rest just flowed. So now the email sits in email land. I don't know what I want him to say. I don't think there is anything he can say that would ever be truly satisfactory to me. So it's lose-lose to him really. His best response is probably to not respond at all. Any response will most likely disappoint me.
No response would mean I can be justified to hate him and despise him forever.
I heard from [Mutual Friend] this week that you got engaged! Congratulations!!! I'm really happy for you and [New Girl] and am really glad that you guys found each other and are as happy as you must be.
[Mutual Friend] also mentioned that [Your Brother] got engaged earlier this year, and I laughed at that (in a good way!). It was wonderful to hear about all this good news, and I'm sure they're helping to lift your mom's mood. (Last time we really talked, she was having some hard times ... )
So, do you guys have a wedding date in mind? Is she still in [Midwest City]?
Happy holidays, and I hope you're staying warm! (It snowed tons in Boston today, and it's still snowing)
[Seine]
Once I decided that the email needed only to be congratulatory, it was much easier to start it. Once I got the first sentence down, the rest just flowed. So now the email sits in email land. I don't know what I want him to say. I don't think there is anything he can say that would ever be truly satisfactory to me. So it's lose-lose to him really. His best response is probably to not respond at all. Any response will most likely disappoint me.
No response would mean I can be justified to hate him and despise him forever.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
new day, old thoughts
I forgot to eat dinner today, and it's now 11:45pm.
I never forget to eat. I only ever forget when I'm not well, when I'm in a bad state of mind. In a series of very frustrating but unrelated events, I had to revive an old email account this afternoon. With it came a whole set of folders with emails from a different place, different time. One of the folders was labeled with the Ex's name. I found that folder around 4pm. I've now been dysfunctional for close to 8 hours.
The emails span from 11/4/2005 to 12/11/2005, right after the Ex and I broke up on my birthday that year. I guess the same feelings that I feel now, I actually said in those emails. I hadn't remembered. I blamed him then for our breaking up, citing that he was the one who made religion THE issue. We would be okay without the religious thorn, I said then (and I said yesterday). He admitted that the breakup was one-sided, but said that there were lots of other little issues too. Religion was so BIG that it overshadowed the rest, but without religion, all that the other stuff would have probably themselves become breaking points for our relationship.
So in that sense, he did eventually come to tell me that I wasn't the one.
I wrote:
Pretty naive, and honestly, marriage probably shouldn't be considered before these problems are worked out, but I was trying so hard to hold on. I didn't want to believe that the our problems were insurmountable. I wanted to believe that we would, and should, be together.
He replied:
That just made me sad. That was why we didn't work, because we had what he thought were fundamental problems. These fundamental problems obviously don't exist with his current relationship. It's just as Daisy said--the "He wasn't right for me, either" part is almost irrelevant. I dwell so much more on the fact that I wasn't right for him. I can't see past that.
In another email, he wrote:
The correct answer is probably just that you're ready to get married when you meet the right person. With him, I felt that I had met the right person, but he didn't feel the same way. With the new girl, it didn't take him long to realize that she was the right person. Three years after these emails about us, he is ready to marry someone he hadn't even met then. His mom doesn't think he's too young anymore now (she used to say no marriage under 30). Or maybe she still thinks the same, but he loves the girl so much that he doesn't care, that he'll fight for her. I never got to experience that love from him. It was all uphill for me.
And what of that part about figuring things out, changing, and getting back together? False hope, all of it. But what can I do? It's never easy to break up with someone when there are no obvious reasons. When the only reason is that s/he just isn't the one, it's always easier to approach the end like maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be final.
So where does that leave me? I think about how I used to feel about the Ex, how sure I was that he was THE ONE. I never believed that stuff until 2-3 months after we started dating, and I just FELT it. He was the one, and that was the feeling I ought to have (maybe I was just young and too naive and too much of a romantic).
But honestly, I think the only reason I am glad he and I didn't work out is the religion. But that's the most heartbreaking part ... without the religion, I would still want to be with him. Even today.
And that made me cry all over again. I haven't cried in a long time about the Ex. There was always something there in the back of my mind, but I guess I always suppressed it. Of course, I had wanted to write it all down here, tell the whole story of how I was wronged and jilted, but it never seemed to be worth the time to rehash everything. To much to explain; too much hassle; too much story.
But knowing that he proposed recently, I guess I couldn't hold it in anymore. Here I am, crying the same cry three years later. I'm listening to the same song on repeat, thinking of the same memories that made that song come full circle three years ago. Just like three years ago, I am unable to stop myself from reminescing. I deliberately run through good times in my mind, places we went together, things we did together, the future we planned together ... knowing full well that it will all just make the tears come harder.
I'm in no shape to face Broadway right now. I don't have room in all of my emotions to make space for him, to see him and to love him and to adore him like he deserves. Yet what do I say to him?
"I really need some time alone because my ex got engaged"?
"These tears and emotions have nothing to do with you and are things I need to work out on my own"?
Broadway won't see it that way, and how can I possibly expect him to? Whatever hurt he would feel would be justified and reasonable. I would feel hurt, too. And really, can I honestly say that these tears have nothing to do with him? Maybe I'm crying because I don't feel it with him.
I never forget to eat. I only ever forget when I'm not well, when I'm in a bad state of mind. In a series of very frustrating but unrelated events, I had to revive an old email account this afternoon. With it came a whole set of folders with emails from a different place, different time. One of the folders was labeled with the Ex's name. I found that folder around 4pm. I've now been dysfunctional for close to 8 hours.
The emails span from 11/4/2005 to 12/11/2005, right after the Ex and I broke up on my birthday that year. I guess the same feelings that I feel now, I actually said in those emails. I hadn't remembered. I blamed him then for our breaking up, citing that he was the one who made religion THE issue. We would be okay without the religious thorn, I said then (and I said yesterday). He admitted that the breakup was one-sided, but said that there were lots of other little issues too. Religion was so BIG that it overshadowed the rest, but without religion, all that the other stuff would have probably themselves become breaking points for our relationship.
So in that sense, he did eventually come to tell me that I wasn't the one.
I wrote:
About why we broke up ... i guess i never saw any issue that was so big that we wouldn't be able to work through them, including religion. It goes back to what i was saying before: I see marriage as a reason to work through these differences/problems, whereas you don't think marriage should even be considered before these problems are worked out. just a difference in perspective.
Pretty naive, and honestly, marriage probably shouldn't be considered before these problems are worked out, but I was trying so hard to hold on. I didn't want to believe that the our problems were insurmountable. I wanted to believe that we would, and should, be together.
He replied:
I was thinking about the one-sided break-up versus the mutual break-up, and think you're right that I was the person who saw our problems as too difficult for us to work through (at least right now). And yeah, we definitely disagreed about when it's appropriate to ge married, and I still think marraige shouldn't even be considered before working out fundamental problems.
That just made me sad. That was why we didn't work, because we had what he thought were fundamental problems. These fundamental problems obviously don't exist with his current relationship. It's just as Daisy said--the "He wasn't right for me, either" part is almost irrelevant. I dwell so much more on the fact that I wasn't right for him. I can't see past that.
In another email, he wrote:
The more I look at other people's relationships, and think about our own, I realize that sometimes people just aren't in the same place at the same time. And yeah that's horrible, and it causes a lot of hurt. But that doesn't mean that people can't figure things out, can't change, and can't get back together some day.
I talked to my parents about us breaking up, and they felt bad, and my mom said that she didn't want us to make the same mistake she did, which was getting married too young. And I explained to her that every couple is different, and her being too young doesn't mean we are. And I think it's really strange, and there really seem to be two groups of people on the age issue. Some people think you have to be around thirty years old to get married, and other people just focus on being over twenty-one.
The correct answer is probably just that you're ready to get married when you meet the right person. With him, I felt that I had met the right person, but he didn't feel the same way. With the new girl, it didn't take him long to realize that she was the right person. Three years after these emails about us, he is ready to marry someone he hadn't even met then. His mom doesn't think he's too young anymore now (she used to say no marriage under 30). Or maybe she still thinks the same, but he loves the girl so much that he doesn't care, that he'll fight for her. I never got to experience that love from him. It was all uphill for me.
And what of that part about figuring things out, changing, and getting back together? False hope, all of it. But what can I do? It's never easy to break up with someone when there are no obvious reasons. When the only reason is that s/he just isn't the one, it's always easier to approach the end like maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be final.
So where does that leave me? I think about how I used to feel about the Ex, how sure I was that he was THE ONE. I never believed that stuff until 2-3 months after we started dating, and I just FELT it. He was the one, and that was the feeling I ought to have (maybe I was just young and too naive and too much of a romantic).
But honestly, I think the only reason I am glad he and I didn't work out is the religion. But that's the most heartbreaking part ... without the religion, I would still want to be with him. Even today.
And that made me cry all over again. I haven't cried in a long time about the Ex. There was always something there in the back of my mind, but I guess I always suppressed it. Of course, I had wanted to write it all down here, tell the whole story of how I was wronged and jilted, but it never seemed to be worth the time to rehash everything. To much to explain; too much hassle; too much story.
But knowing that he proposed recently, I guess I couldn't hold it in anymore. Here I am, crying the same cry three years later. I'm listening to the same song on repeat, thinking of the same memories that made that song come full circle three years ago. Just like three years ago, I am unable to stop myself from reminescing. I deliberately run through good times in my mind, places we went together, things we did together, the future we planned together ... knowing full well that it will all just make the tears come harder.
I'm in no shape to face Broadway right now. I don't have room in all of my emotions to make space for him, to see him and to love him and to adore him like he deserves. Yet what do I say to him?
"I really need some time alone because my ex got engaged"?
"These tears and emotions have nothing to do with you and are things I need to work out on my own"?
Broadway won't see it that way, and how can I possibly expect him to? Whatever hurt he would feel would be justified and reasonable. I would feel hurt, too. And really, can I honestly say that these tears have nothing to do with him? Maybe I'm crying because I don't feel it with him.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I can't think about anything else
THE Ex got engaged. I found out today while talking to a mutual friend of ours from college. He proposed a couple of weeks ago.
Just last post, I was talking about how bitter I get thinking about our relationship now. For whatever reason, I've been thinking about things with him a lot lately (some kind of weird premonition that he would get engaged??). As I mentioned last time, I think it was all spawned by the lack of anything from him on my birthday (all I would want is an email).
I can go on and on and on with the list of things during our time together that I now realize were signs that he just wasn't that into me. During the relationship, I made excuse after excuse for him because he made the excuses for himself (I'm busy; we're in school; my brother's not married yet; my mother's going through hard times). Now, I just get pissed off thinking about how he never faced his questions about our relationship because it was easier to not question. I get pissed off that he strung me along, making me believe that we were it for each other.
So how do I feel about him getting engaged? I don't know. If I were to really sit down and unbiasedly think about it now, I know deep down that we would have never worked. The religious differences were too great. It probably was the only problem that really stood between us, but it was too overwhelming of a problem. His now fiance is super Christian religious, so in that sense, I'm happy for him. I'm glad that he found someone who shares his faith. I just hate the fact that the girl he dated right after me was the one he ended up marrying.
So why can't I stop think about the fact that he's now engaged? I don't know. Part of it is for whatever sick reason, I want to know every excruciating detail. How did he propose? I know that whatever he did would have been so incredibly sweet and romantic. What is she like? I've never met her. What kind of ring did he get for her? That's something he always was quite progressive about, for a guy ... He knew that the ring can matter.
So I don't know. Is it the engagement itself that bothers me? I don't think so. I think there is a part of me that is a tiny bit resentful, thinking that it should have been me on the receiving end of that proposal. But in the end, no I don't really want to be the one he's asking. What we had was kind of a lie. Back then, I managed to convince myself I could become religious for him, or at the very least be open to his supreme religiousness. But I know now that was just wishful thinking, and that it would have never worked. It really is a shame that religion ended up being the thing that came between us (but that's coming from me, non-religious). And now, it's way past the point to dwell on all of that.
So, no, the engagement itself doesn't bother me. I am happy that he is happy.
I think it bothers me that he's not comfortable having his then-girlfriend-now-fiance and me as a friend in his life at the same time. The engagement bothers me because I know it is something that we will never be able to talk about.
There was a facebook episode last summer that made me think the girl is not happy seeing him interact with me. Why would that be, I wondered then? Is she insecure in her relationship? Well, now that they're engaged, that shouldn't be an issue anymore, right?
And then I think about how when we were together, he once got so mad because I asked him why a picture of a high school ex was still up on his wall. He said it was none of my business. So it really does piss me off that it is different with this girl, that he would cut me out of his life because somehow that is her business when it was never my business.
It reinforces the fact that he never loved me in that same way. It drives home the point that while he talked about us getting married, he was never serious. It pisses me off that he was so wrong in the way he treated me, in never facing up to his doubts about our relationship, at least never telling me about them and just continuing to lead me on, knowingly or unknowingly.
But all of that is past now that he is engaged. She shouldn't feel insecure in her relationship anymore. So why would he still be uncomfortable with me in his life? We have so many mutual friends from college. He always said that he wanted to be friends after we broke up. He wants to know what is happening to me. He wants updates and to know that I am happy. Yet whenever I reach out to him wanting to hang out, or god forbit to come to my birthday party, he always passive aggressively deflects. Sometimes I call him out on it. Then he just pretends like nothing is out of the ordinary, that what he did was the perfectly normal thing to do.
We are now both in happy relationships, so what is his problem? Why is he still so uncomfortable interacting with me?
I want to be able to call him up to congratulate him and tell him that I'm truly happy for him. I want to meet the girl and laugh with her and talk about her wedding planning (since I secretly aspire to be a wedding planner). But I can't. So maybe I just feel rather left out. He wants to stay updated on my life, yet he doesn't afford me the same thing with his life.
Once upon a time, he told me that he thought a year or so after he started working would be a good time to get engaged. So now here we are. He's been working for a little more than a year, and he's decided to get married. Except, I'm not the girl in that fairy tale.
So there is that, too.
Just last post, I was talking about how bitter I get thinking about our relationship now. For whatever reason, I've been thinking about things with him a lot lately (some kind of weird premonition that he would get engaged??). As I mentioned last time, I think it was all spawned by the lack of anything from him on my birthday (all I would want is an email).
I can go on and on and on with the list of things during our time together that I now realize were signs that he just wasn't that into me. During the relationship, I made excuse after excuse for him because he made the excuses for himself (I'm busy; we're in school; my brother's not married yet; my mother's going through hard times). Now, I just get pissed off thinking about how he never faced his questions about our relationship because it was easier to not question. I get pissed off that he strung me along, making me believe that we were it for each other.
So how do I feel about him getting engaged? I don't know. If I were to really sit down and unbiasedly think about it now, I know deep down that we would have never worked. The religious differences were too great. It probably was the only problem that really stood between us, but it was too overwhelming of a problem. His now fiance is super Christian religious, so in that sense, I'm happy for him. I'm glad that he found someone who shares his faith. I just hate the fact that the girl he dated right after me was the one he ended up marrying.
So why can't I stop think about the fact that he's now engaged? I don't know. Part of it is for whatever sick reason, I want to know every excruciating detail. How did he propose? I know that whatever he did would have been so incredibly sweet and romantic. What is she like? I've never met her. What kind of ring did he get for her? That's something he always was quite progressive about, for a guy ... He knew that the ring can matter.
So I don't know. Is it the engagement itself that bothers me? I don't think so. I think there is a part of me that is a tiny bit resentful, thinking that it should have been me on the receiving end of that proposal. But in the end, no I don't really want to be the one he's asking. What we had was kind of a lie. Back then, I managed to convince myself I could become religious for him, or at the very least be open to his supreme religiousness. But I know now that was just wishful thinking, and that it would have never worked. It really is a shame that religion ended up being the thing that came between us (but that's coming from me, non-religious). And now, it's way past the point to dwell on all of that.
So, no, the engagement itself doesn't bother me. I am happy that he is happy.
I think it bothers me that he's not comfortable having his then-girlfriend-now-fiance and me as a friend in his life at the same time. The engagement bothers me because I know it is something that we will never be able to talk about.
There was a facebook episode last summer that made me think the girl is not happy seeing him interact with me. Why would that be, I wondered then? Is she insecure in her relationship? Well, now that they're engaged, that shouldn't be an issue anymore, right?
And then I think about how when we were together, he once got so mad because I asked him why a picture of a high school ex was still up on his wall. He said it was none of my business. So it really does piss me off that it is different with this girl, that he would cut me out of his life because somehow that is her business when it was never my business.
It reinforces the fact that he never loved me in that same way. It drives home the point that while he talked about us getting married, he was never serious. It pisses me off that he was so wrong in the way he treated me, in never facing up to his doubts about our relationship, at least never telling me about them and just continuing to lead me on, knowingly or unknowingly.
But all of that is past now that he is engaged. She shouldn't feel insecure in her relationship anymore. So why would he still be uncomfortable with me in his life? We have so many mutual friends from college. He always said that he wanted to be friends after we broke up. He wants to know what is happening to me. He wants updates and to know that I am happy. Yet whenever I reach out to him wanting to hang out, or god forbit to come to my birthday party, he always passive aggressively deflects. Sometimes I call him out on it. Then he just pretends like nothing is out of the ordinary, that what he did was the perfectly normal thing to do.
We are now both in happy relationships, so what is his problem? Why is he still so uncomfortable interacting with me?
I want to be able to call him up to congratulate him and tell him that I'm truly happy for him. I want to meet the girl and laugh with her and talk about her wedding planning (since I secretly aspire to be a wedding planner). But I can't. So maybe I just feel rather left out. He wants to stay updated on my life, yet he doesn't afford me the same thing with his life.
Once upon a time, he told me that he thought a year or so after he started working would be a good time to get engaged. So now here we are. He's been working for a little more than a year, and he's decided to get married. Except, I'm not the girl in that fairy tale.
So there is that, too.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
inner monologue
I constantly draft posts in my head, but I never manage to sit down to actually commit them to writing. I think about all these random things throughout the day that are funny or strange or poignant enough to want to share with you all, but I just never get to it. I also have some not-so-nice thoughts that I run through and would love to rant about, but they never make it here either.
I wonder sometimes why I even still have this blog if I never write it in consistently. I think it is more useful for the drafting of posts in my head than for actual posting of posts that started in my head. And then there are times like tonight, that while sitting on the couch, I just feel inexplicably compelled to let stream of consciousness take over and write in my blog.
Let's start with the not-so-nice thoughts first. I think I have a crush, on a younger guy, or maybe he has a crush on me. I'm not sure which it is, but it sure is exciting to semi flirt with him. He is 20, so very very young, but oh so cute, and if I were 20, I would totally hit on him. Now, being 26, I really just want to "show him the way", so to speak. Of course nothing would come of it--I am not serious about anything. It is no more than the feeling of an innocent high school crush. It just feel so good knowing that he looks up to me, respects me, and that he probably sees me as the sexy older woman who could show him the way but is way out of his league. God, that makes me feel so old. But also kinda giddy.
I've also been thinking a lot about my exes recently, for whatever reason. Well, I guess it did have reason. My birthday was about a month ago, and I heard nothing from THE Ex*. That hurt. I send him a birthday wish every year on his birthday. Albeit usually an one-liner, I send it to show that I still remember and that I still care. I guess I always thought that he did, too. This birthday started me on an inner journey of bitterness as I re-evaluated everything from our relationship. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him, but it was all just a lie. Yes, we were young and probably not so aware of our own emotions, but now I know that he really just led me on because he wasn't man enough to tell me I wasn't the one. He was too chicken to end things, so he just let them be. That was a relationship that should have only lasted a year or so, and yet it dragged on for 2.5, only to end so horrifically painfully for both of us. He was/is a good person and always wanted to do good by me, but he couldn't do the best thing for both of us and tell me the truth that he didn't love me.
This brought me to today as I for whatever reason thought back to the perfect guy that I ever dated. It was short, only a couple of months during our third year in college, but I have never felt that good about myself or about anybody else ever. He was the perfect romantic for me, just the right amount and in that naturally goofy lovable way that is so sincere. It really was a shame the way things ended, but we remained friends for a long time and The Ex was always somewhat jealous of the chemistry I obviously continued to have with this guy. Now he is in some exotic African country halfway around the world.
Which I guess finally brings me to Broadway. I never post good things about Broadway. Everything up until now has mostly been complaining and griping and ranting. But honestly, I don't have much to complain about Broadway anymore. Things over the last couple of months have been absolutely amazing. We click; we have fun together; we don't get annoyed (much) with each other. I accept his many oddities of character ticks, just has he probably accepts many of mine. We still have the occasional fight, but we get over them quickly and are back to coo coo-ing at each other. Is he the absolutely perfect guy for me that I have always dreamed of? Definitely not. But he is so very good for me in ways that I never even thought was possible. So, I guess things are going well :)
*He's been on here before as the Engineer I wanted to marry and the giver of the Patagonia jacket.
I wonder sometimes why I even still have this blog if I never write it in consistently. I think it is more useful for the drafting of posts in my head than for actual posting of posts that started in my head. And then there are times like tonight, that while sitting on the couch, I just feel inexplicably compelled to let stream of consciousness take over and write in my blog.
Let's start with the not-so-nice thoughts first. I think I have a crush, on a younger guy, or maybe he has a crush on me. I'm not sure which it is, but it sure is exciting to semi flirt with him. He is 20, so very very young, but oh so cute, and if I were 20, I would totally hit on him. Now, being 26, I really just want to "show him the way", so to speak. Of course nothing would come of it--I am not serious about anything. It is no more than the feeling of an innocent high school crush. It just feel so good knowing that he looks up to me, respects me, and that he probably sees me as the sexy older woman who could show him the way but is way out of his league. God, that makes me feel so old. But also kinda giddy.
I've also been thinking a lot about my exes recently, for whatever reason. Well, I guess it did have reason. My birthday was about a month ago, and I heard nothing from THE Ex*. That hurt. I send him a birthday wish every year on his birthday. Albeit usually an one-liner, I send it to show that I still remember and that I still care. I guess I always thought that he did, too. This birthday started me on an inner journey of bitterness as I re-evaluated everything from our relationship. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him, but it was all just a lie. Yes, we were young and probably not so aware of our own emotions, but now I know that he really just led me on because he wasn't man enough to tell me I wasn't the one. He was too chicken to end things, so he just let them be. That was a relationship that should have only lasted a year or so, and yet it dragged on for 2.5, only to end so horrifically painfully for both of us. He was/is a good person and always wanted to do good by me, but he couldn't do the best thing for both of us and tell me the truth that he didn't love me.
This brought me to today as I for whatever reason thought back to the perfect guy that I ever dated. It was short, only a couple of months during our third year in college, but I have never felt that good about myself or about anybody else ever. He was the perfect romantic for me, just the right amount and in that naturally goofy lovable way that is so sincere. It really was a shame the way things ended, but we remained friends for a long time and The Ex was always somewhat jealous of the chemistry I obviously continued to have with this guy. Now he is in some exotic African country halfway around the world.
Which I guess finally brings me to Broadway. I never post good things about Broadway. Everything up until now has mostly been complaining and griping and ranting. But honestly, I don't have much to complain about Broadway anymore. Things over the last couple of months have been absolutely amazing. We click; we have fun together; we don't get annoyed (much) with each other. I accept his many oddities of character ticks, just has he probably accepts many of mine. We still have the occasional fight, but we get over them quickly and are back to coo coo-ing at each other. Is he the absolutely perfect guy for me that I have always dreamed of? Definitely not. But he is so very good for me in ways that I never even thought was possible. So, I guess things are going well :)
*He's been on here before as the Engineer I wanted to marry and the giver of the Patagonia jacket.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
trendlines
I have been a fan of http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/ for a couple of months now. Being numbers oriented, I have thoroughly appreciated the systematic analyses the authors perform on poll numbers. The quantitative sophistication and rigor are at a level rarely seen in political analysis reported to the general public.
So I was pretty taken aback by one of today's posts: In Oregon, Turnout is Down, But Especially in Red Counties. Here is the plot toward the bottom of the post:
Thanks Nate, for making what you did in 5 minutes in Microsoft Excel sound sophisticated. Thanks, too, for explaining to me how to read a line on a graph. However, the line you refer to nowhere mirrors the green dots. Fitting a line to that data is just plain wrong. Did you check the R^2 value of that fit, Nate?
My qualitative interpretation is that the fit for the data is a step function. Turnout change vs. 2004 is flat for all Bush Share of Votes under ~55%, after which there is a precipitous drop in turnout change. So the more interesting question to me is why there would be a threshold around 55%. I didn't need to hit the "Trendline" button in Excel to tell me that.
For the first time, I am disappointed in http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/.
So I was pretty taken aback by one of today's posts: In Oregon, Turnout is Down, But Especially in Red Counties. Here is the plot toward the bottom of the post:
"Note also that I have extended the regression line to predict the behavior of hypothetical counties consisting entirely of Bush voters, or entirely of Kerry voters. In [sic] regression line predicts that, in a county consisting of 100 percent Bush voters, turnout would be off by about 40 percent. Conversely, in a county consisting entirely of Kerry voters, it would be essentially unchanged."
Thanks Nate, for making what you did in 5 minutes in Microsoft Excel sound sophisticated. Thanks, too, for explaining to me how to read a line on a graph. However, the line you refer to nowhere mirrors the green dots. Fitting a line to that data is just plain wrong. Did you check the R^2 value of that fit, Nate?
My qualitative interpretation is that the fit for the data is a step function. Turnout change vs. 2004 is flat for all Bush Share of Votes under ~55%, after which there is a precipitous drop in turnout change. So the more interesting question to me is why there would be a threshold around 55%. I didn't need to hit the "Trendline" button in Excel to tell me that.
For the first time, I am disappointed in http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
thank yous
Proper etiquette deems that one send "Thank You's" to interviewers following an interview, right? Back in college, I mailed written notes, but I think it is okay these days to email interviewers (yikes, correct me if I'm wrong). The trouble with emails is the potential for a quick response, and it's always unnerving when the interviewer shoots back a formulaic response.
I didn't hear back yesterday about any decisions following Friday's interview. With the final round being this Thursday, I have to assume the worst. I just feel like they would give more notice than 2 days for a interview, so I think they probably called everyone who got one yesterday.
Rememebering nevertheless that I had forgotten to send to send my thank-yous to my two interviewers, I thought better late than never and shot off two emails this morning. I wrote short emails, with a sentence or two specific to each interview, and included at the end of each something positive and hopeful like "I hope I get the chance to talk with you again during Final Round interviews."
You don't ever expect to hear back from these "Thank you for interviewing me" emails, right? Unless I ask a specific question, right (and I didn't)?
Except the second interviewer, the one where I thought I did really well, already emailed me back:
Seine,
You're very welcome. I appreciate your kind words. It was great to meet you too.
Regards,
Nice Guy
Now I'm just spooked. I know it's a standard response, and I'm probably reading too much into it, but gosh, what a short email. Why even respond at all? Is his response deemed necessary by etiquette rules?
More than anything, his email just completely unnerved me. A lack of a phone call or a lack of a email response could mean anything (maybe they really just haven't gotten around to informing people of their decisions). But he must know whether or not I made it through, and there wasn't a single hint of positive in his email. It's better to not know than to get negative reinforcement.
Big sigh.
I didn't hear back yesterday about any decisions following Friday's interview. With the final round being this Thursday, I have to assume the worst. I just feel like they would give more notice than 2 days for a interview, so I think they probably called everyone who got one yesterday.
Rememebering nevertheless that I had forgotten to send to send my thank-yous to my two interviewers, I thought better late than never and shot off two emails this morning. I wrote short emails, with a sentence or two specific to each interview, and included at the end of each something positive and hopeful like "I hope I get the chance to talk with you again during Final Round interviews."
You don't ever expect to hear back from these "Thank you for interviewing me" emails, right? Unless I ask a specific question, right (and I didn't)?
Except the second interviewer, the one where I thought I did really well, already emailed me back:
Seine,
You're very welcome. I appreciate your kind words. It was great to meet you too.
Regards,
Nice Guy
Now I'm just spooked. I know it's a standard response, and I'm probably reading too much into it, but gosh, what a short email. Why even respond at all? Is his response deemed necessary by etiquette rules?
More than anything, his email just completely unnerved me. A lack of a phone call or a lack of a email response could mean anything (maybe they really just haven't gotten around to informing people of their decisions). But he must know whether or not I made it through, and there wasn't a single hint of positive in his email. It's better to not know than to get negative reinforcement.
Big sigh.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
wrapping up the week
I now measure my weeks based on TV shows. I shouldn't have time to watch TV (there's always more work to be done), but I somehow always make time. It's made easier by bittorrent--I download the shows to my computer and watch whenever it is convenient for me. Still, it's a bit of a shocker that I have no picked up 7, yes seven, shows that I download and watch weekly. It just goes to show how much I suck in the self-control department.
So I now measure the "busyness" of my weeks by how many episodes of TV I have remaining, unwatched, on my computer by Sunday. This 1) reflects how much "free" time I had during the week, and 2) how many deadlines I actually had that I couldn't procrastinate through. This second point is important. Really, I never should be watching TV, but I always procrastinate work by watching a show (and then another and then another).
Two weeks ago, I was twiddling my thumbs on Thursday because I had no more shows left on my computer. By Thursday that week, I had spent 7 hours watching TV (well maybe a little less since the bittorrent files don't have commercials). That was a light week, or at least a week when a lot of things could be punted.
By comparison, this week, I still have 5 shows left to watch, and it's Saturday night. That gives you an idea what kind of week this one has been. No "free" time, and not even any time to procrastinate.
I did find a new hero (there's always time for web surfing, right?). His name is Ben Dorn, and he lives right here in Boston. I found him via YesWeCarve.com, and his pumpkin is here. The site is cute, and the people who send in their carved pumpkins are cute. But Ben Dorn beyond cute. Ben Dorn is my hero. Before Ben Dorn, I didn't even know shading was an option on pumpkins.
I have to admit that I did some facebook stalking of Ben Dorn. It seems that Ben is somewhat the Michael Phelps of pumpkin carving (isn't that comparison all the rage these days?) and a Red Sox Fan. Speaking of the Red Sox, they're winning Game 6, and it's bottom of the 8th.
In more productive news, my job interview took place Friday. I met with two people, back to back. The first interview was a bit shaky, definitely not stellar, but hopefully passable. The second one was super good, I thought, but then it's always hard to tell as the interviewee, isn't it?
At least this time, they won't make us wait long. The final round of interviews is next Thursday, so I should find out on Monday whether or not I made it. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one ... *sigh* if only the first interview had also gone swimmingly.
So I now measure the "busyness" of my weeks by how many episodes of TV I have remaining, unwatched, on my computer by Sunday. This 1) reflects how much "free" time I had during the week, and 2) how many deadlines I actually had that I couldn't procrastinate through. This second point is important. Really, I never should be watching TV, but I always procrastinate work by watching a show (and then another and then another).
Two weeks ago, I was twiddling my thumbs on Thursday because I had no more shows left on my computer. By Thursday that week, I had spent 7 hours watching TV (well maybe a little less since the bittorrent files don't have commercials). That was a light week, or at least a week when a lot of things could be punted.
By comparison, this week, I still have 5 shows left to watch, and it's Saturday night. That gives you an idea what kind of week this one has been. No "free" time, and not even any time to procrastinate.
I did find a new hero (there's always time for web surfing, right?). His name is Ben Dorn, and he lives right here in Boston. I found him via YesWeCarve.com, and his pumpkin is here. The site is cute, and the people who send in their carved pumpkins are cute. But Ben Dorn beyond cute. Ben Dorn is my hero. Before Ben Dorn, I didn't even know shading was an option on pumpkins.
I have to admit that I did some facebook stalking of Ben Dorn. It seems that Ben is somewhat the Michael Phelps of pumpkin carving (isn't that comparison all the rage these days?) and a Red Sox Fan. Speaking of the Red Sox, they're winning Game 6, and it's bottom of the 8th.
In more productive news, my job interview took place Friday. I met with two people, back to back. The first interview was a bit shaky, definitely not stellar, but hopefully passable. The second one was super good, I thought, but then it's always hard to tell as the interviewee, isn't it?
At least this time, they won't make us wait long. The final round of interviews is next Thursday, so I should find out on Monday whether or not I made it. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one ... *sigh* if only the first interview had also gone swimmingly.
Monday, October 13, 2008
holidays
The trouble with grad school is that you forget about the holidays. The frat boys playing football on the field outside my window midday puzzled me. Don't they have class? The empty bike racks this morning should have been a sign, but I didn't realize it was a holiday until I went to get a sandwich at a campus eatery, only to find the eatery closed.
It wouldn't have made a difference even if I had remembered it being a holiday this morning. I would have still come to work. I guess that's the other trouble with grad school. There aren't real holidays and weekends.
I realized I never updated on the job application issue of last week. I didn't email HR, not wanting to be annoying. Wednesday morning, I decided to email an acquaintance to ask if she had heard anything back from the company. She very promptly replied that she also had not heard, and in fact, she didn't know anyone who had except one guy who knew a guy who got rejected. So, basically, a similar story to mine.
That email exchange actually completely calmed me. I stopped thinking about the silly job application and went on to do other things, instead of refreshing my Inbox every 5 minutes in hopes of seeing some kind of a response.
Friday morning, I got the email. I have an interview this Friday!
It wouldn't have made a difference even if I had remembered it being a holiday this morning. I would have still come to work. I guess that's the other trouble with grad school. There aren't real holidays and weekends.
I realized I never updated on the job application issue of last week. I didn't email HR, not wanting to be annoying. Wednesday morning, I decided to email an acquaintance to ask if she had heard anything back from the company. She very promptly replied that she also had not heard, and in fact, she didn't know anyone who had except one guy who knew a guy who got rejected. So, basically, a similar story to mine.
That email exchange actually completely calmed me. I stopped thinking about the silly job application and went on to do other things, instead of refreshing my Inbox every 5 minutes in hopes of seeing some kind of a response.
Friday morning, I got the email. I have an interview this Friday!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
the waiting game
I submitted a resume and coverletter last Monday. It was a centralized recruiting process by a leading company, and there was one deadline for everyone who wanted to apply from my school, and first round interviews are next week. I haven't heard anything, either way, about making it to interviews.
Last night, I ran into a couple of people at another event, and we happened to talk about this company's application deadline. It's always awkward in such situations to inquire about the status of another student's job application. All too often, especially with the types of people at my school, situations get competitive, and people start safeguarding information. I don't see any need for that, and I am completely happy being as honest and straightforward as I can about my job application process, as long as I feel the other person would return the favor.
I feel that I usually do a good job diffusing the situation by offering information of my own first. "I haven't heard back from Company X, but I did hear back from Company Y, who rejected my application. No chance to interview." Usually, when I am this forthright, the other person lets down their guard and is more than happy to engage me in detailed conversation about their, and my, application processes.
With that said, I have been told that I should be more wary about sharing so much information, that sharing doesn't do anything for me, and could potentially hurt me if I tell the wrong people, presumably people who are sneaky. I'm not sure how much I should listen to that, but I guess I do run a mental judgment check of the person in front of me before I share information. There has to be rapport of some kind between us, and I have to have a generally positive feeling about that person. More often than not, the person isn't a complete stranger, but rather someone I've met before doing this or that around campus.
Anyway, back to the point, which was that I haven't heard back about this job I applied for, and I talked to a couple of people about it last night. Both conversations were one-on-one. The first person had not heard back, like me. The second person had heard, but it was a rejection--he would not get a chance to interview.
When I said that I had not heard anything either way, the latter person commented that I probably "have something in [my] email inbox waiting as we speak, because the company was supposed to have gotten back to us all by the end of Monday" (yesterday). That got me excited about going home and checking my email, but my hopes were quickly dashed when there was no such email in my Inbox.
I did get a confirmation last week that they had received my application submission, so I know they got my application. And the fact that somebody had heard, albeit in the negative, is indication that I should hear soon. So then not hearing something is good because no news is good news, right?
Except I still didn't hear anything tody. So now I am worried that perhaps my application wasn't filed in the right place, or somehow I didn't actually meet the deadline because I submitted at 6pm, which would have been after work hours, or a slew of other things that could have gone wrong that I can't even think of.
I've wanted to email the contact listed on the website to ask about my application. I've really restrained myself from doing so because I don't want to be annoying, a decision that Broadway agrees with. What if they're still sorting through applications and not yet finalized their decisions on everyone? My email would just be in the way. If I were the human resources person in that situation, I know I would roll my eyes at such an email.
So I'm not sure what to do, and I'm getting pretty anxious just waiting for an email in my inbox. Maybe I will wait until tomorrow morning, and if I still haven't heard, I will send something to HR.
Last night, I ran into a couple of people at another event, and we happened to talk about this company's application deadline. It's always awkward in such situations to inquire about the status of another student's job application. All too often, especially with the types of people at my school, situations get competitive, and people start safeguarding information. I don't see any need for that, and I am completely happy being as honest and straightforward as I can about my job application process, as long as I feel the other person would return the favor.
I feel that I usually do a good job diffusing the situation by offering information of my own first. "I haven't heard back from Company X, but I did hear back from Company Y, who rejected my application. No chance to interview." Usually, when I am this forthright, the other person lets down their guard and is more than happy to engage me in detailed conversation about their, and my, application processes.
With that said, I have been told that I should be more wary about sharing so much information, that sharing doesn't do anything for me, and could potentially hurt me if I tell the wrong people, presumably people who are sneaky. I'm not sure how much I should listen to that, but I guess I do run a mental judgment check of the person in front of me before I share information. There has to be rapport of some kind between us, and I have to have a generally positive feeling about that person. More often than not, the person isn't a complete stranger, but rather someone I've met before doing this or that around campus.
Anyway, back to the point, which was that I haven't heard back about this job I applied for, and I talked to a couple of people about it last night. Both conversations were one-on-one. The first person had not heard back, like me. The second person had heard, but it was a rejection--he would not get a chance to interview.
When I said that I had not heard anything either way, the latter person commented that I probably "have something in [my] email inbox waiting as we speak, because the company was supposed to have gotten back to us all by the end of Monday" (yesterday). That got me excited about going home and checking my email, but my hopes were quickly dashed when there was no such email in my Inbox.
I did get a confirmation last week that they had received my application submission, so I know they got my application. And the fact that somebody had heard, albeit in the negative, is indication that I should hear soon. So then not hearing something is good because no news is good news, right?
Except I still didn't hear anything tody. So now I am worried that perhaps my application wasn't filed in the right place, or somehow I didn't actually meet the deadline because I submitted at 6pm, which would have been after work hours, or a slew of other things that could have gone wrong that I can't even think of.
I've wanted to email the contact listed on the website to ask about my application. I've really restrained myself from doing so because I don't want to be annoying, a decision that Broadway agrees with. What if they're still sorting through applications and not yet finalized their decisions on everyone? My email would just be in the way. If I were the human resources person in that situation, I know I would roll my eyes at such an email.
So I'm not sure what to do, and I'm getting pretty anxious just waiting for an email in my inbox. Maybe I will wait until tomorrow morning, and if I still haven't heard, I will send something to HR.
Friday, September 26, 2008
it's friday!
Well, Friday started off on a bad note. Non-stop hard hard rain. Pour, pour, pour, and I debated this morning whether to actually don my rain gear to bike to work. I ultimately did, feeling confident and rather giddy at my tomboyishness to brave the forces of nature.
Biking along a major street (in the bike lane), a car coming out of an alleyway noses out in front of me, blocking the bike lane completely and sticking its head out past the lane into the actual roadway. The driver first looked away from me, for traffic oncoming from the other side of the road. Then he turned and looked straight at me. I saw him hesitate for a second, then decide to let up on his brakes, preparing to pull out in front of me.
At first, I hit my bike brakes because obviously I don't want to run into his car. Then in a moment of boldness, I am pissed off. Why should I avoid him?? He is the one turning into my path. I totally have the right of way going straight, and he should not be turning to cut me off just because I am a bike. I have every right to be on the road, and he needs to respect that. So I let up my brakes, pedal, and swerve around the front of his car.
As I am going by him, he gestures madly at me. I throw up my hands with a "What the fuck" face, and keep riding.
He turns, pulls up next to my bike, and rolls down his windows, starking mad. Before he has a chance to speak, I yell, still pedaling, "Dude, I have the right of way. I was going straight."
He counters with something about the fact that he "was stopped". I didn't catch everything he said, and what I caught made no sense at all. What? Because he's stopped, he has the right of way? I clearly had the right of way, going straight on my road. He was coming out of an alleyway, so it wasn't an intersection with rules for who goes first. He clearly did not have the right of way, wanting to turn on to my road. He needs to yield to traffic on the road, and that includes bike traffic traveling in the bike lane.
At this point, we had come to a red light. It was my intersection, so I ignored whatever else argument he was making, made a right turn to continue on my way to work.
The exchange made me so mad. I wanted to exact some kind of vigilante justice. I wanted to beat some sense into the guy: he would never have even thought to pull out in front of a car, and similarly, he has no right to pull out in front of me even if I am "just a bike".
And thus continues the saga of motorists & bikers in a supposedly bike-friendly city.
It's mid-afternoon now, and actually Friday's not turned out so bad. It is still gross out, raining nonstop all day. But a labmate I don't always get along with just went out of her way to tell me about an event happening tonight that I might be interested in. I did already know about it (and was debating going), but her genuineness inspired me to pretend that I didn't know and to show equally genuine appreciation that she would think to pass the information along.
Biking along a major street (in the bike lane), a car coming out of an alleyway noses out in front of me, blocking the bike lane completely and sticking its head out past the lane into the actual roadway. The driver first looked away from me, for traffic oncoming from the other side of the road. Then he turned and looked straight at me. I saw him hesitate for a second, then decide to let up on his brakes, preparing to pull out in front of me.
At first, I hit my bike brakes because obviously I don't want to run into his car. Then in a moment of boldness, I am pissed off. Why should I avoid him?? He is the one turning into my path. I totally have the right of way going straight, and he should not be turning to cut me off just because I am a bike. I have every right to be on the road, and he needs to respect that. So I let up my brakes, pedal, and swerve around the front of his car.
As I am going by him, he gestures madly at me. I throw up my hands with a "What the fuck" face, and keep riding.
He turns, pulls up next to my bike, and rolls down his windows, starking mad. Before he has a chance to speak, I yell, still pedaling, "Dude, I have the right of way. I was going straight."
He counters with something about the fact that he "was stopped". I didn't catch everything he said, and what I caught made no sense at all. What? Because he's stopped, he has the right of way? I clearly had the right of way, going straight on my road. He was coming out of an alleyway, so it wasn't an intersection with rules for who goes first. He clearly did not have the right of way, wanting to turn on to my road. He needs to yield to traffic on the road, and that includes bike traffic traveling in the bike lane.
At this point, we had come to a red light. It was my intersection, so I ignored whatever else argument he was making, made a right turn to continue on my way to work.
The exchange made me so mad. I wanted to exact some kind of vigilante justice. I wanted to beat some sense into the guy: he would never have even thought to pull out in front of a car, and similarly, he has no right to pull out in front of me even if I am "just a bike".
And thus continues the saga of motorists & bikers in a supposedly bike-friendly city.
It's mid-afternoon now, and actually Friday's not turned out so bad. It is still gross out, raining nonstop all day. But a labmate I don't always get along with just went out of her way to tell me about an event happening tonight that I might be interested in. I did already know about it (and was debating going), but her genuineness inspired me to pretend that I didn't know and to show equally genuine appreciation that she would think to pass the information along.
Monday, September 22, 2008
the not-so-wondrous read
I'm reading the most popular Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. It's been hyped and re-hyped, and I was so looking forward to it. However, I am finding it really hard to get into. At page 25, I thought it was just because I hadn't read enough. Now at page 100, I'm no more excited about the book than I was back at 25.
The book doesn't capture me, which in general would be fine, I think. Except in this case, I feel unusually self-conscious about the book's lack of charm on me. It makes me feel that perhaps somehow this is because I am culturally insensitive and ignorant.
I can't relate to Oscar and his family as much as I would like, or as much as I perceive someone who LOVES the book would. More than anything, I can't relate to Oscar the way I think a Carribbean would. The book reads fast, almost stream of consciousness kind of fast (though certainly not disjointed). But what bothers me are the short little phrases or observations or exclamations that the characters regularly blurt out in Spanish. They are barriers to me. I have no idea what they mean and certainly would have no shot at relating to them culturally. While they are seldom central to the plot of the book, I nonetheleses feel alienated.
My gut tells me that part of the critical acclaim for the book probably stems from the cultural richness of the book, but all of that is lost on me, which makes me feel like a bad bad person. Why is it that I am just plain uninterested in Carribbean culture? Am I somehow subconsciously racist? None of this is helped by the most recent election poll and somehow fearing that if I had taken that poll, I would have discovered an ugly subconscious in myself.
But, but, but, I argue with myself, I became engrossed with the plight of minorities and women in Afghanistan after reading Khaled Hosseini, and the issues in Northern Pakistan after reading Three Cups of Tea. I was fascinated by Kabul and even pondered the possibilities to travel to that part of the world (and pondered the hindrances I would face as a woman if I ever tried to attempt what Greg Mortenson did). Those stories moved me, regardless of the cultural and ethnicity of the characters. I am no more Afghan than I am Pakistani than I am Dominican.
So maybe I just don't particularly like Diaz's writing style?
He is doing a community reading of his book this week. I feel like I should go, if only to garner a deeper appreciation of the culture surrounding book, and maybe in person, he can verbally express the printed words in an affecting way for me.
I'm really not sure if I'll finish the book, which seems like such a shame. I am told that it is good.
The book doesn't capture me, which in general would be fine, I think. Except in this case, I feel unusually self-conscious about the book's lack of charm on me. It makes me feel that perhaps somehow this is because I am culturally insensitive and ignorant.
I can't relate to Oscar and his family as much as I would like, or as much as I perceive someone who LOVES the book would. More than anything, I can't relate to Oscar the way I think a Carribbean would. The book reads fast, almost stream of consciousness kind of fast (though certainly not disjointed). But what bothers me are the short little phrases or observations or exclamations that the characters regularly blurt out in Spanish. They are barriers to me. I have no idea what they mean and certainly would have no shot at relating to them culturally. While they are seldom central to the plot of the book, I nonetheleses feel alienated.
My gut tells me that part of the critical acclaim for the book probably stems from the cultural richness of the book, but all of that is lost on me, which makes me feel like a bad bad person. Why is it that I am just plain uninterested in Carribbean culture? Am I somehow subconsciously racist? None of this is helped by the most recent election poll and somehow fearing that if I had taken that poll, I would have discovered an ugly subconscious in myself.
But, but, but, I argue with myself, I became engrossed with the plight of minorities and women in Afghanistan after reading Khaled Hosseini, and the issues in Northern Pakistan after reading Three Cups of Tea. I was fascinated by Kabul and even pondered the possibilities to travel to that part of the world (and pondered the hindrances I would face as a woman if I ever tried to attempt what Greg Mortenson did). Those stories moved me, regardless of the cultural and ethnicity of the characters. I am no more Afghan than I am Pakistani than I am Dominican.
So maybe I just don't particularly like Diaz's writing style?
He is doing a community reading of his book this week. I feel like I should go, if only to garner a deeper appreciation of the culture surrounding book, and maybe in person, he can verbally express the printed words in an affecting way for me.
I'm really not sure if I'll finish the book, which seems like such a shame. I am told that it is good.
Friday, September 19, 2008
jobs and the economy and a confession
I couldn't believe the news about Lehman Brothers. Poof, gone. After a century and a half. Same with Bear Stearns a few months ago.
It's made even more surreal because once upon a time, I was one of those bright-eyed, bushy-tailed college graduates thinking I wanted to do investment banking. I actually had job offers with both Lehman and Bear coming out of college. I turned them down for my current gig.
Why did I want to do i-banking? Honestly, because it was a job I knew I could get and that I knew I could do. They try to scare you, talking about 100-hours work weeks. But what did that mean to me at 21, 22? It was almost a challenge. Me? Of course I can stay up all night every night. Of course I am hard core. She can do it, so can I. I want to be a rat.
Such naivete.
Which is something to learn from for my current job search now. Yes, I will definitely leave my current position and get a new job. In finding something new, I don't want to fall into the same mindset I had coming out of college: get a job because I know I can. I want a job that motivates me, something that gets me excited to get out of bed every morning.
I have a lot of choices, I think, and it's job search season.
And here, I have a confession to make about my current job. I talk about it as a job because, well, it sort of is, and I wanted to stay as anonymous as possible. But when it comes down to it, calling it a job is misleading. It's not a job.
I am a graduate student, a PhD student. I work in a lab on a thesis project and no longer take classes, so my thesis is my job. I get a stipend, like a salary, though it's pretty low-paying. I interact with my lab (my office, division, colleagues, whatever else I've been calling it). I interact with other offices and labs within my school.
I've been calling my school my company, and my thesis advisor my boss. I originally thought it would be easy to translate problems in lab and at school to problems at work to talk about in this blog, but it's actually been pretty difficult. I often want to write about sentiments and perspectives and difficulties I encounter, but then realize that they are unique to a student mindset. So I end up writing nothing because it's hard to "anonymize" my grad student experience. And times when I do anonymize and try to adapt the events and happenings to a more work-relevant situation, I feel fake, and I feel that it's not believable.
I feel like some of you may have already guessed that something wasn't quite right about my job? Did you? Things like office mates talking openly about looking for other jobs just aren't things that people in actual jobs experience, right. Taking time off from a job is not usually a viable option for a reagular 9-to-5, but of course, I was talking about doing a summer internship or taking off a semester to work. I felt like you guys must have wondered why my job was so weirdly flexible and knew that something was off.
So which school? I don't think I'll reveal that explicitly, but I'm sure those of you with IP-enabled visit trackers can figure that out quite easily. Which program? Well, it's just say it's science and engineering related.
Anyway, back to jobs. Our big fall job fair was this week, and I walked around, handing out resumes, and I actually got an interview straight from the fair. Problem is that it's one of those jobs where my motivation is unclear. Do I really want to do it? Or do I just want it to say to people I work at a well-known prestigious place?
It's made even more surreal because once upon a time, I was one of those bright-eyed, bushy-tailed college graduates thinking I wanted to do investment banking. I actually had job offers with both Lehman and Bear coming out of college. I turned them down for my current gig.
Why did I want to do i-banking? Honestly, because it was a job I knew I could get and that I knew I could do. They try to scare you, talking about 100-hours work weeks. But what did that mean to me at 21, 22? It was almost a challenge. Me? Of course I can stay up all night every night. Of course I am hard core. She can do it, so can I. I want to be a rat.
Such naivete.
Which is something to learn from for my current job search now. Yes, I will definitely leave my current position and get a new job. In finding something new, I don't want to fall into the same mindset I had coming out of college: get a job because I know I can. I want a job that motivates me, something that gets me excited to get out of bed every morning.
I have a lot of choices, I think, and it's job search season.
And here, I have a confession to make about my current job. I talk about it as a job because, well, it sort of is, and I wanted to stay as anonymous as possible. But when it comes down to it, calling it a job is misleading. It's not a job.
I am a graduate student, a PhD student. I work in a lab on a thesis project and no longer take classes, so my thesis is my job. I get a stipend, like a salary, though it's pretty low-paying. I interact with my lab (my office, division, colleagues, whatever else I've been calling it). I interact with other offices and labs within my school.
I've been calling my school my company, and my thesis advisor my boss. I originally thought it would be easy to translate problems in lab and at school to problems at work to talk about in this blog, but it's actually been pretty difficult. I often want to write about sentiments and perspectives and difficulties I encounter, but then realize that they are unique to a student mindset. So I end up writing nothing because it's hard to "anonymize" my grad student experience. And times when I do anonymize and try to adapt the events and happenings to a more work-relevant situation, I feel fake, and I feel that it's not believable.
I feel like some of you may have already guessed that something wasn't quite right about my job? Did you? Things like office mates talking openly about looking for other jobs just aren't things that people in actual jobs experience, right. Taking time off from a job is not usually a viable option for a reagular 9-to-5, but of course, I was talking about doing a summer internship or taking off a semester to work. I felt like you guys must have wondered why my job was so weirdly flexible and knew that something was off.
So which school? I don't think I'll reveal that explicitly, but I'm sure those of you with IP-enabled visit trackers can figure that out quite easily. Which program? Well, it's just say it's science and engineering related.
Anyway, back to jobs. Our big fall job fair was this week, and I walked around, handing out resumes, and I actually got an interview straight from the fair. Problem is that it's one of those jobs where my motivation is unclear. Do I really want to do it? Or do I just want it to say to people I work at a well-known prestigious place?
Monday, September 15, 2008
updates galore
1) I got one of those mass update emails that start with "As many of you already know ... ". Well, since everyone was bcc'ed, it could have just been 5 recipients. Or 500. The problem is that I didn't already know. What does that mean? My gut reaction was to feel wholly inadequate. How could I not know? What kind of a friend am I? But then I got annoyed that I got the followup email but was not in the know from the start.
2) A hotel in DC stole my favorite pair of jeans. Broadway and I stayed at a fancy hotel he got off of PriceLine, and we were in a bit of a rush the morning we checked out, and left a shirt of his and my jeans. When we called housekeeping, they had his shirt, but said that they didn't find any jeans. We are both baffled by the situation. Upon explaining it to one of Broadway's roommates, he asked me "What brand of jeans were they?" I said, "Err, I don't know. They just fit me the best out of all of my jeans." Do jeans have to have brands nowadays? Seven jeans cost $100+. I'd be upset if I lost one of those, but I'm more upset that I lost a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly.
3) My new favorite word is now "clusterfuck". Broadway and I saw the new Coens Brothers movie, Burn After Reading. Towards the end, one of the very minor roles says "Wow, what a clusterfuck." The whole movie is a clusterfuck, if ever the word could be used in a positive connotation. It's so random, insane, and completely awesome and entertaining.
4) Our division has around 20 people or so. One of the other women sent out an email wanting to do a "Girl's Night Out." Now I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't particularly like hanging out with all of these people. There are ones I like, but I get the feeling that the people who would go to this Girls Night Out would be the ones I can't stand. Yet, I don't want to seem like a complete non-team-player. And generally, I just don't really like these forced "Girl's Night" social outings. Of the 20, some 12 or 13 are women. Don't we usually do girls night out when we're in the extreme minority and somehow need to spend time together away from the men? Anyway, I told some of the guys in our lab that they should organize a "Boy's Night Out" in protest. But don't tell anyone I gave them the idea.
2) A hotel in DC stole my favorite pair of jeans. Broadway and I stayed at a fancy hotel he got off of PriceLine, and we were in a bit of a rush the morning we checked out, and left a shirt of his and my jeans. When we called housekeeping, they had his shirt, but said that they didn't find any jeans. We are both baffled by the situation. Upon explaining it to one of Broadway's roommates, he asked me "What brand of jeans were they?" I said, "Err, I don't know. They just fit me the best out of all of my jeans." Do jeans have to have brands nowadays? Seven jeans cost $100+. I'd be upset if I lost one of those, but I'm more upset that I lost a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly.
3) My new favorite word is now "clusterfuck". Broadway and I saw the new Coens Brothers movie, Burn After Reading. Towards the end, one of the very minor roles says "Wow, what a clusterfuck." The whole movie is a clusterfuck, if ever the word could be used in a positive connotation. It's so random, insane, and completely awesome and entertaining.
4) Our division has around 20 people or so. One of the other women sent out an email wanting to do a "Girl's Night Out." Now I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't particularly like hanging out with all of these people. There are ones I like, but I get the feeling that the people who would go to this Girls Night Out would be the ones I can't stand. Yet, I don't want to seem like a complete non-team-player. And generally, I just don't really like these forced "Girl's Night" social outings. Of the 20, some 12 or 13 are women. Don't we usually do girls night out when we're in the extreme minority and somehow need to spend time together away from the men? Anyway, I told some of the guys in our lab that they should organize a "Boy's Night Out" in protest. But don't tell anyone I gave them the idea.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
first time for everything
I'm ususally on the asking end of references. As in, I'm usually the one asking others to write me references. Today, I was on the asked end.
A friend, nay more of an acquaintance, asked me to write him a peer recommendation for his business school application (why would they want a peer recommendation?) While I was very flattered, I am at a bit of a loss regarding this. I don't know him all that well. I want to be able to be honest and spectacular in any recommendation I write him because I like him, and I think he is a nice guy, but I just don't know him all that well.
One question that I am supposed to answer in my recommendation letter is "How is the candidate's impact on your organization different from that of other well-qualified individuals in similar roles?" We are both a part of a regional board for our college's alumni club, the only organization we've ever been in together, but I am still confused.
I am not all that active of a member. I rarely actually attend board meetings where most of the "working together" and discussions take place, and I haven't directly worked with him on any project. So really, not only do I not know him well as a friend, I hardly know him at all as a colleague. Why wouldn't he have asked the club president to write the recommendation? Or asked a co-worker? Or better yet, a friend from one of his college activities?
Another question I am to answer is "Please describe the most constructive feedback you have given the candidate. Please also detail the circumstance that caused you to give the feedback."
I'm not sure I have ever given this guy any feedback, constructively negative or positive, or not constructive at all. Maybe he remembers a specific instance that he considers most telling about his character, and that is why he is asking me to be his reference.
But honestly, I just don't remember anything. And how would I even go about finding out if this is what he has in mind without making it obvious that I don't remember (need I be discreet?)
Perhaps "Is there any particular experience you want me to mention/talk about in your recommendation?"
He mentioned he had several reasons for asking me, but that those are better explained over the phone (he asked me in an email). So he is supposed to call me soon to explain ... I don't even know if I should say yes or no. Would he be offended if I honestly told him I didn't know enough about him to write him the good recommendation that he deserves?
On a (un)related note about myself, I recently applied for job. I know. I am shocked myself. I didn't think I would ever get myself around to applying for another job.
But, I didn't get the job. I just found out this afternoon.
I didn't even make it to the final "short list" of candidates, which I really thought I would. There were three steps (interview rounds) in the process, and I got cut after the second set of interviews. The frustrating part is that I know where I screwed up, and if I had a second chance at the interview, I am 100% sure it would have gone differently and I wouldn't have screwed up so badly.
You see, I screwed up on the first of my three interviews, right at the very beginning. My phone went off right after the interview started ... my face turned so red, and I was completely frazzled for the rest of the interview. My mind drew complete blanks every step of the way. My answers were long rambles, and I had trouble focusing on what the interviewer was saying. It literally felt like I was watching his mouth move yet not hearing any sounds.
I tried to put that behind me and actually had two fantastic interviews afterwards. But I guess they weren't fantastic enough to counter the extremely bad first one (or maybe the last two really weren't that great). I am just frustrated because it's my own damn fault that my phone went off in the middle of the interview, and I feel that I would have made the cut if I could have been "just average" on the first interview instead of "royal screwup".
Oh well. They can't possibly judge on how well I could have done. They can only judge me on how well I did.
But at least I broke the seal of job searches. Maybe I'll apply for a few more. I just have to find listings for jobs that I think I would want.
A friend, nay more of an acquaintance, asked me to write him a peer recommendation for his business school application (why would they want a peer recommendation?) While I was very flattered, I am at a bit of a loss regarding this. I don't know him all that well. I want to be able to be honest and spectacular in any recommendation I write him because I like him, and I think he is a nice guy, but I just don't know him all that well.
One question that I am supposed to answer in my recommendation letter is "How is the candidate's impact on your organization different from that of other well-qualified individuals in similar roles?" We are both a part of a regional board for our college's alumni club, the only organization we've ever been in together, but I am still confused.
I am not all that active of a member. I rarely actually attend board meetings where most of the "working together" and discussions take place, and I haven't directly worked with him on any project. So really, not only do I not know him well as a friend, I hardly know him at all as a colleague. Why wouldn't he have asked the club president to write the recommendation? Or asked a co-worker? Or better yet, a friend from one of his college activities?
Another question I am to answer is "Please describe the most constructive feedback you have given the candidate. Please also detail the circumstance that caused you to give the feedback."
I'm not sure I have ever given this guy any feedback, constructively negative or positive, or not constructive at all. Maybe he remembers a specific instance that he considers most telling about his character, and that is why he is asking me to be his reference.
But honestly, I just don't remember anything. And how would I even go about finding out if this is what he has in mind without making it obvious that I don't remember (need I be discreet?)
Perhaps "Is there any particular experience you want me to mention/talk about in your recommendation?"
He mentioned he had several reasons for asking me, but that those are better explained over the phone (he asked me in an email). So he is supposed to call me soon to explain ... I don't even know if I should say yes or no. Would he be offended if I honestly told him I didn't know enough about him to write him the good recommendation that he deserves?
On a (un)related note about myself, I recently applied for job. I know. I am shocked myself. I didn't think I would ever get myself around to applying for another job.
But, I didn't get the job. I just found out this afternoon.
I didn't even make it to the final "short list" of candidates, which I really thought I would. There were three steps (interview rounds) in the process, and I got cut after the second set of interviews. The frustrating part is that I know where I screwed up, and if I had a second chance at the interview, I am 100% sure it would have gone differently and I wouldn't have screwed up so badly.
You see, I screwed up on the first of my three interviews, right at the very beginning. My phone went off right after the interview started ... my face turned so red, and I was completely frazzled for the rest of the interview. My mind drew complete blanks every step of the way. My answers were long rambles, and I had trouble focusing on what the interviewer was saying. It literally felt like I was watching his mouth move yet not hearing any sounds.
I tried to put that behind me and actually had two fantastic interviews afterwards. But I guess they weren't fantastic enough to counter the extremely bad first one (or maybe the last two really weren't that great). I am just frustrated because it's my own damn fault that my phone went off in the middle of the interview, and I feel that I would have made the cut if I could have been "just average" on the first interview instead of "royal screwup".
Oh well. They can't possibly judge on how well I could have done. They can only judge me on how well I did.
But at least I broke the seal of job searches. Maybe I'll apply for a few more. I just have to find listings for jobs that I think I would want.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
petty things
A friend is having a birthday party tonight. At a bar.
Normally, it's not a big deal. A bar is nice. You can invite a lot of people to a bar. If not a whole lot of people show up, the bar is still full from other going-outers. Even a fancy bar is fine. I used to do the fancy bar/club scene not so long ago. I remember liking it.
There's even a guestlist to give us all discounts on cover.
I'm a little peeved because the discounted cover is still $20. I just think that's a bit inconsiderate and presumptuous--to have a birthday celebration at a bar with a $20 cover, after guestlist discount. Who knows what the regular cover is.
Maybe I'm cheap. Maybe this is normal for a big city New York. I don't know. We're not in New York.
When I had my birthday at a fancy bar two years ago, I made sure to get a place where I could negotiate complimentary admissions for all of my guests (all 50 or so). The normal cover at that place was $20 on a Saturday night. I even got drink tickets and handed them out as people came so their first couple of drinks would be on me. I felt that was the least I could do since in the end, I was the one asking them to come out to celebrate my birthday.
Some say I went overboard, that I didn't have to give out drink tickets. Whatever. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. I probably wouldn't buy that many drink tickets if I were to do it over again, but I would definitely still make sure I could have a guestlist of at least 50 people who wouldn't have to pay cover.
I hate the idea of making my friends choose between coming out to celebrate my birthday or saving up their money so they don't starve by the end of the month.
Like I feel now. Tonight, I feel obligated to go help a friend celebrate her birthday. But I really don't have the expendable income cushion at the end of a very expensive summer (New York wedding, bridesmaids expenses, expensive Montreal trip, eating out twice a week after frisbee, organizing and splitting costs for friends' going-away parties) to feel comfortable blowing $20 just on bar cover.
I can guarantee that I won't have a single drink once I'm inside the bar tonight.
This summer, for the first time, I've sincerely wished that I had a better-paying job. It would be nice to have a job where I don't have to think as much about budgeting. No matter how much I make, I hope that I will always still budget and save, but I want to be able to celebrate things and go out without feeling uncomfortably reluctant.
I don't remember feeling like this before. I'd always said I feel comfortable with how much money I have. I don't need much, and what I make meets my lifestyle needs.
Either I've gotten cheaper this year or my lifestyle has drastically changed.
Normally, it's not a big deal. A bar is nice. You can invite a lot of people to a bar. If not a whole lot of people show up, the bar is still full from other going-outers. Even a fancy bar is fine. I used to do the fancy bar/club scene not so long ago. I remember liking it.
There's even a guestlist to give us all discounts on cover.
I'm a little peeved because the discounted cover is still $20. I just think that's a bit inconsiderate and presumptuous--to have a birthday celebration at a bar with a $20 cover, after guestlist discount. Who knows what the regular cover is.
Maybe I'm cheap. Maybe this is normal for a big city New York. I don't know. We're not in New York.
When I had my birthday at a fancy bar two years ago, I made sure to get a place where I could negotiate complimentary admissions for all of my guests (all 50 or so). The normal cover at that place was $20 on a Saturday night. I even got drink tickets and handed them out as people came so their first couple of drinks would be on me. I felt that was the least I could do since in the end, I was the one asking them to come out to celebrate my birthday.
Some say I went overboard, that I didn't have to give out drink tickets. Whatever. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. I probably wouldn't buy that many drink tickets if I were to do it over again, but I would definitely still make sure I could have a guestlist of at least 50 people who wouldn't have to pay cover.
I hate the idea of making my friends choose between coming out to celebrate my birthday or saving up their money so they don't starve by the end of the month.
Like I feel now. Tonight, I feel obligated to go help a friend celebrate her birthday. But I really don't have the expendable income cushion at the end of a very expensive summer (New York wedding, bridesmaids expenses, expensive Montreal trip, eating out twice a week after frisbee, organizing and splitting costs for friends' going-away parties) to feel comfortable blowing $20 just on bar cover.
I can guarantee that I won't have a single drink once I'm inside the bar tonight.
This summer, for the first time, I've sincerely wished that I had a better-paying job. It would be nice to have a job where I don't have to think as much about budgeting. No matter how much I make, I hope that I will always still budget and save, but I want to be able to celebrate things and go out without feeling uncomfortably reluctant.
I don't remember feeling like this before. I'd always said I feel comfortable with how much money I have. I don't need much, and what I make meets my lifestyle needs.
Either I've gotten cheaper this year or my lifestyle has drastically changed.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
*sigh*
The distraction brought on by NBB the past couple of weeks started me on an agonizing path of questioning my relationship with Broadway. Every. Single. Day.
The first real question came when I tried imagining the rest of my life with Broadway. In my mind, that thought was followed by silence, then the question: “Really? Isn't that settling?" My thoughts then wandered to kids, and I just couldn’t see myself having kids with him. I felt that I would be having kids for the sake of having kids, and not because I so very much love the man such that I would want to have something that we would share and create together.
I should be with someone with whom I’m excited to spend the rest of my life, and with whom I want to see as the father of my children, right?
A few days ago, I saw Broadway’s frame walking away from me, with his usual slumped shoulders and slightly scrawny frame that I have always liked and found endearing. As I watched him walk away, I almost broke out in tears. All I could think about was how Broadway is a good, good man. He wants good for the world. He wants good for the people he loves. And he wants good for me. And what do I do? I agonize over and over about whether or not we should be together. And he has no idea.
We do argue. A lot. He’s even walked out sometimes completely angry, swearing that he’s had enough of my temper. I keep telling him that my temper is part of who I am, so he responds by saying he just doesn't want to deal with it anymore. When he does this, I let him leave. Once he came back so upset that I would let him leave in that state, that I wouldn't even try to stop him or to salvage our relationship.
Yes, I feel guilty that I don't try to stop him. I just never feel the panic that I think I ought to feel when faced with a great big breakup. My thoughts jump to, “Well, I guess that’s it. Back to being single.” No emotions, no hysterics. I can't help feeling that I must harbor some secret hope that he would just call it quits on me once and for all.
Something’s wrong with that reaction. If I really valued this relationship, if I really valued being with him, I would be much more emotional on the verge of a breakup, right?
We hardly ever have real serious conversations about us without it being at the tail end of a fight, but we did on Saturday.
I’m not sure how it started, but I ended up playing the victim. I told him how the things that he despises (suburban America, middle class life, regular routines, etc. etc.) were the very things that I was brought up to value. Evolving my views toward his, and he knows I have, has created a growing gap between my opinions and those of my parents. Not to say we should hold on to what our parents tell us our whole lives, but I shouldn’t have to feel this guilt I’ve felt recently that I’m somehow betraying them, leaving them in the dust. All they wanted as immigrants was to give me a good life, raise me in that good life, that good middle class life. Who am I to now reject that, knowing that they sacrificed everything they had to raise me in a middle class American way? Who am I to say that’s trite and unoriginal? Who is he to impose these opinions on me and make me feel silly and inadequate for having other opinions?
He admitted that he has a lot of idealistic views about the world and that he is also quite hypocritical in that he often does exactly what his ideals dictate he shouldn’t do. He actually said “In that sense, I guess I’m pretty close-minded.”
A small celebration went off in my head when he said that. It's exactly what I'd thought. I’d always thought him to be hypocritically close-minded (and unreasonably liberal and paranoid, paranoidedly liberal). On the occasions that I'd told him so, he always would get defensive right away (insecurity with the truth of what I was saying?), and we end up fighting.
Broadway was pouring his heart out to me Saturday, and I couldn’t think of anything to say back. Some character flaw of my own to share, perhaps? Or reassurance that he really isn’t all that close-minded? Anything would have been good. Instead, I had nothing to say. I was too busy celebrating what he had just admitted to.
We are very different people, and he acknowledged that. We have different views on the purpose of our lives, of what we want to get out of our social interactions with others, on what would make us happy. All of these are fundamental differences. During that conversation, I felt that the elephant in the room that neither one of us wanted to be the first to acknowledge was the fact that we’re just too different to be together.
Turns out, only I thought that.
He didn’t want to give up trying. He tentatively asked me, “Do you?”
I could only say “No, I don’t want to give up either.”
He admitted that he’s had some tough times lately. He’s depressed. He’s thinking about going to see a doctor. He’s often unhappy. “But please don’t leave me. I don’t want you to leave me.”
“No, Broadway, I won’t leave you.”
“You make me so happy. You pulled me through some of my worst times. I was in bad shape right when we started dating. I know you get frustrated that I don’t share your happiness about the world, but your happiness gives me happiness. With you, I’m only unhappy some of the time. Without you, I would be unhappy all of the time. So unhappy. Please don’t leave me.”
His earnest eyes looked at me, and he buried his head in my shoulders. I felt tears welting up into my eyes. He is such a good man to me. He would do anything for me. He has done so much for me already. I've put him through so much. Who am I to judge his worth now? Who am I to tear his world apart and throw him back into a horrible horrible place?
“I love you Seine. You love me too, right?”
“I love you.”
The first real question came when I tried imagining the rest of my life with Broadway. In my mind, that thought was followed by silence, then the question: “Really? Isn't that settling?" My thoughts then wandered to kids, and I just couldn’t see myself having kids with him. I felt that I would be having kids for the sake of having kids, and not because I so very much love the man such that I would want to have something that we would share and create together.
I should be with someone with whom I’m excited to spend the rest of my life, and with whom I want to see as the father of my children, right?
A few days ago, I saw Broadway’s frame walking away from me, with his usual slumped shoulders and slightly scrawny frame that I have always liked and found endearing. As I watched him walk away, I almost broke out in tears. All I could think about was how Broadway is a good, good man. He wants good for the world. He wants good for the people he loves. And he wants good for me. And what do I do? I agonize over and over about whether or not we should be together. And he has no idea.
We do argue. A lot. He’s even walked out sometimes completely angry, swearing that he’s had enough of my temper. I keep telling him that my temper is part of who I am, so he responds by saying he just doesn't want to deal with it anymore. When he does this, I let him leave. Once he came back so upset that I would let him leave in that state, that I wouldn't even try to stop him or to salvage our relationship.
Yes, I feel guilty that I don't try to stop him. I just never feel the panic that I think I ought to feel when faced with a great big breakup. My thoughts jump to, “Well, I guess that’s it. Back to being single.” No emotions, no hysterics. I can't help feeling that I must harbor some secret hope that he would just call it quits on me once and for all.
Something’s wrong with that reaction. If I really valued this relationship, if I really valued being with him, I would be much more emotional on the verge of a breakup, right?
We hardly ever have real serious conversations about us without it being at the tail end of a fight, but we did on Saturday.
I’m not sure how it started, but I ended up playing the victim. I told him how the things that he despises (suburban America, middle class life, regular routines, etc. etc.) were the very things that I was brought up to value. Evolving my views toward his, and he knows I have, has created a growing gap between my opinions and those of my parents. Not to say we should hold on to what our parents tell us our whole lives, but I shouldn’t have to feel this guilt I’ve felt recently that I’m somehow betraying them, leaving them in the dust. All they wanted as immigrants was to give me a good life, raise me in that good life, that good middle class life. Who am I to now reject that, knowing that they sacrificed everything they had to raise me in a middle class American way? Who am I to say that’s trite and unoriginal? Who is he to impose these opinions on me and make me feel silly and inadequate for having other opinions?
He admitted that he has a lot of idealistic views about the world and that he is also quite hypocritical in that he often does exactly what his ideals dictate he shouldn’t do. He actually said “In that sense, I guess I’m pretty close-minded.”
A small celebration went off in my head when he said that. It's exactly what I'd thought. I’d always thought him to be hypocritically close-minded (and unreasonably liberal and paranoid, paranoidedly liberal). On the occasions that I'd told him so, he always would get defensive right away (insecurity with the truth of what I was saying?), and we end up fighting.
Broadway was pouring his heart out to me Saturday, and I couldn’t think of anything to say back. Some character flaw of my own to share, perhaps? Or reassurance that he really isn’t all that close-minded? Anything would have been good. Instead, I had nothing to say. I was too busy celebrating what he had just admitted to.
We are very different people, and he acknowledged that. We have different views on the purpose of our lives, of what we want to get out of our social interactions with others, on what would make us happy. All of these are fundamental differences. During that conversation, I felt that the elephant in the room that neither one of us wanted to be the first to acknowledge was the fact that we’re just too different to be together.
Turns out, only I thought that.
He didn’t want to give up trying. He tentatively asked me, “Do you?”
I could only say “No, I don’t want to give up either.”
He admitted that he’s had some tough times lately. He’s depressed. He’s thinking about going to see a doctor. He’s often unhappy. “But please don’t leave me. I don’t want you to leave me.”
“No, Broadway, I won’t leave you.”
“You make me so happy. You pulled me through some of my worst times. I was in bad shape right when we started dating. I know you get frustrated that I don’t share your happiness about the world, but your happiness gives me happiness. With you, I’m only unhappy some of the time. Without you, I would be unhappy all of the time. So unhappy. Please don’t leave me.”
His earnest eyes looked at me, and he buried his head in my shoulders. I felt tears welting up into my eyes. He is such a good man to me. He would do anything for me. He has done so much for me already. I've put him through so much. Who am I to judge his worth now? Who am I to tear his world apart and throw him back into a horrible horrible place?
“I love you Seine. You love me too, right?”
“I love you.”
Thursday, July 31, 2008
fail
Fail #1
I felt an oncoming cold sore yesterday-ish, which prompted me to curse for two reasons: a) I don't want New Guy on the Block to see me at our game/post-game celebrations tomorrow with a cold sore, and b) I'm in the wedding of of a high-strung girl next Thursday, and I'm not sure she'd be able to handle my having a cold sore ruining her wedding day. Fail #1a ... at life. Forces of nature always work against me to give me cold sore at the most inopportune times.
After some online searching, I dashed to the local CVS for some 10% docosanol cream. 0.07 oz costed $21. Fail #1b.
Fail #2
With it being National Cheesecake Day and all, I convinced Broadway to dine at the Cheesecake Factory and to take advantage of $1.50 cheesecake slices. When we showed up around 8:45pm, we were told it would be a 1-1.5 hour wait for two people. Fail #2a.
We happened to run into three friends who were equally dejected and in line for cheesecake, and together we decided to eat at the nearby California Pizza Kitchen instead. Our strategy was that we'd finish dinner just in time to be seated for cheesecake dessert. We hit Fail #2b when the Cheesecake Factory buzzer went off right before our pizzas arrived, and we had to give up our spot in line.
Not ones to give up on cheesecake, we went back to the Factory after dinner around 10:30pm, thinking the lines would be shorter--they weren't. One of the guys did some sweet talking the hostess, who miraculously bumped us to the front of the line. This cut down our wait from 45 minutes to 15. Success? Think again ...
After taking our drink orders of 5 waters, our waiter told us that cheesecake slices were on a 45 minutes delay. ????? Resigned to our fate, we did order. Our cheesecake finally arrived an hour and fifteen minutes later. At 11:30pm, I was too tired to eat cheesecake anymore. How could we have failed so badly at cheesecake?
Fail #3 (or really just one contiguous fail from the previous two)
Our waiter forgot to punch in the cheesecake discount when he brought our bill, so we didn't get the $1.50 promo price after all. After a bit of complaining, the bill was corrected, we paid, and finally headed home.
When I got home, I dug through my CVS bag, only to find that my $4800/lb cold sore ointment (that's right, I did the math) was in fact no longer anywhere to be found. I think it fell out while I fidgeted with it during the 1hr+ of cheesecake waiting. It will probably go out with the July 30 National Cheesecake Day trash at the good ol' Cheesecake Factory.
Fail. Fail. Fail.
I felt an oncoming cold sore yesterday-ish, which prompted me to curse for two reasons: a) I don't want New Guy on the Block to see me at our game/post-game celebrations tomorrow with a cold sore, and b) I'm in the wedding of of a high-strung girl next Thursday, and I'm not sure she'd be able to handle my having a cold sore ruining her wedding day. Fail #1a ... at life. Forces of nature always work against me to give me cold sore at the most inopportune times.
After some online searching, I dashed to the local CVS for some 10% docosanol cream. 0.07 oz costed $21. Fail #1b.
Fail #2
With it being National Cheesecake Day and all, I convinced Broadway to dine at the Cheesecake Factory and to take advantage of $1.50 cheesecake slices. When we showed up around 8:45pm, we were told it would be a 1-1.5 hour wait for two people. Fail #2a.
We happened to run into three friends who were equally dejected and in line for cheesecake, and together we decided to eat at the nearby California Pizza Kitchen instead. Our strategy was that we'd finish dinner just in time to be seated for cheesecake dessert. We hit Fail #2b when the Cheesecake Factory buzzer went off right before our pizzas arrived, and we had to give up our spot in line.
Not ones to give up on cheesecake, we went back to the Factory after dinner around 10:30pm, thinking the lines would be shorter--they weren't. One of the guys did some sweet talking the hostess, who miraculously bumped us to the front of the line. This cut down our wait from 45 minutes to 15. Success? Think again ...
After taking our drink orders of 5 waters, our waiter told us that cheesecake slices were on a 45 minutes delay. ????? Resigned to our fate, we did order. Our cheesecake finally arrived an hour and fifteen minutes later. At 11:30pm, I was too tired to eat cheesecake anymore. How could we have failed so badly at cheesecake?
Fail #3 (or really just one contiguous fail from the previous two)
Our waiter forgot to punch in the cheesecake discount when he brought our bill, so we didn't get the $1.50 promo price after all. After a bit of complaining, the bill was corrected, we paid, and finally headed home.
When I got home, I dug through my CVS bag, only to find that my $4800/lb cold sore ointment (that's right, I did the math) was in fact no longer anywhere to be found. I think it fell out while I fidgeted with it during the 1hr+ of cheesecake waiting. It will probably go out with the July 30 National Cheesecake Day trash at the good ol' Cheesecake Factory.
Fail. Fail. Fail.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
new guy on the block
Just when things had been going so well with Broadway, this new guy joined our frisbee team.
It's weird how attraction works. It's either there, or it's not. It's hard to predict how it happens, or when it will happen. I meet plenty of new people every day, many of them guys around my age. Some of them are married, living with their girlfriends, etc.. Others are single. Either way, within a couple of minutes of talking to them, I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm with Broadway and not any of them.
He is different.
My first encounter with him was platonic enough; there certainly wasn't any out-of-the-ordinary attraction on my part. He was just another guy, albeit cute. Very cute. I picked him out of the crowd for being cute, and maybe we made eye contact. I can't remember. That's how forgettable he was. I never expected to see him again.
The next day, last Thursday, he showed up on my regular summer frisbee team, as our new recruit. Our captain felt that we'd need an extra guy, since quite a few of our male players were on vacation. Then it took only one look, and I knew I was hooked. I knew I had a crush on the guy. From the way he looked at me, I knew that he had also remembered me from the day before.
Why do coincidences like this, these mutual rememberings, never happen when I'm single?
By the time we finished the game last Thursday, I knew only his name and that he can run really really fast. I knew nothing else at all, yet all weekend long I anxiously looked forward to tonight's game, so that I could see him again. I prayed that he would come out to dinner with us after the game, so that I could actually talk to him. He did.
Inconspicuously, I hung back for just the right amount of time such that the only open seat at the restaurant table was next to him. I took it.
Reading over menus, I leaned in and asked him questions. Whether due to circumstances--we were short on menus, so I asked to use his after he'd picked what he wanted--or perhaps he too was interested, he revisited the menu several times after I had borrowed his, used it, and closed it back up. In revisiting, he always placed it a bit too unnecessarily in front of me, so that he too could lean in, read the menu, and almost graze my shoulder with his. One time, he did.
Age comes up a lot on our team, since most players are much older. I quickly took the chance to ask his age. 26. Which means I am still the youngest player on our team, and more importantly, that he is older than me.
I am way too distracted for being not single.
This is not good.
It's weird how attraction works. It's either there, or it's not. It's hard to predict how it happens, or when it will happen. I meet plenty of new people every day, many of them guys around my age. Some of them are married, living with their girlfriends, etc.. Others are single. Either way, within a couple of minutes of talking to them, I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm with Broadway and not any of them.
He is different.
My first encounter with him was platonic enough; there certainly wasn't any out-of-the-ordinary attraction on my part. He was just another guy, albeit cute. Very cute. I picked him out of the crowd for being cute, and maybe we made eye contact. I can't remember. That's how forgettable he was. I never expected to see him again.
The next day, last Thursday, he showed up on my regular summer frisbee team, as our new recruit. Our captain felt that we'd need an extra guy, since quite a few of our male players were on vacation. Then it took only one look, and I knew I was hooked. I knew I had a crush on the guy. From the way he looked at me, I knew that he had also remembered me from the day before.
Why do coincidences like this, these mutual rememberings, never happen when I'm single?
By the time we finished the game last Thursday, I knew only his name and that he can run really really fast. I knew nothing else at all, yet all weekend long I anxiously looked forward to tonight's game, so that I could see him again. I prayed that he would come out to dinner with us after the game, so that I could actually talk to him. He did.
Inconspicuously, I hung back for just the right amount of time such that the only open seat at the restaurant table was next to him. I took it.
Reading over menus, I leaned in and asked him questions. Whether due to circumstances--we were short on menus, so I asked to use his after he'd picked what he wanted--or perhaps he too was interested, he revisited the menu several times after I had borrowed his, used it, and closed it back up. In revisiting, he always placed it a bit too unnecessarily in front of me, so that he too could lean in, read the menu, and almost graze my shoulder with his. One time, he did.
Age comes up a lot on our team, since most players are much older. I quickly took the chance to ask his age. 26. Which means I am still the youngest player on our team, and more importantly, that he is older than me.
I am way too distracted for being not single.
This is not good.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
i seldom actually get angry
Until today, after this conversation:
That Guy: So what were you traveling for?
me: Oh, I went to Denver for a workshop thing
That Guy: What was the workshop for?
me: It was this healthcare and business thing
That Guy: Oh, were you there just tagging along with your boyfriend?
me: ??????
Where is the logic in his train of thought? In fact, WHAT is his train of thought? As this was a short conversation while we were lined up waiting for a pull during our ultimate game, I didn't have a chance to react strongly. Not to say I would have otherwise ... I'm not really sure how to react to something like this.
And here I thought I've never encountered sexual discrimination.
That Guy: So what were you traveling for?
me: Oh, I went to Denver for a workshop thing
That Guy: What was the workshop for?
me: It was this healthcare and business thing
That Guy: Oh, were you there just tagging along with your boyfriend?
me: ??????
Where is the logic in his train of thought? In fact, WHAT is his train of thought? As this was a short conversation while we were lined up waiting for a pull during our ultimate game, I didn't have a chance to react strongly. Not to say I would have otherwise ... I'm not really sure how to react to something like this.
And here I thought I've never encountered sexual discrimination.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
peachy
My parents are in town for the week and staying with me, so Broadway's been made to sleep at home since Asian parents are sensitive about the whole sleeping together thing. My parents and I also went to Maine (Acadia) for the weekend and Monday, so it had been a few days since I'd seen Broadway.
He promised that he'd come see me at work today at some point.
Around 11:30am, there was a knock at my door. Broadway walked in with a silly grin, and I'd never been happier to see him. He also had two peaches in his hands. He said he thought of me when he left his house this morning, so he brought two peaches with him, one for him, and one for me.
It was a delicious peach :)
He promised that he'd come see me at work today at some point.
Around 11:30am, there was a knock at my door. Broadway walked in with a silly grin, and I'd never been happier to see him. He also had two peaches in his hands. He said he thought of me when he left his house this morning, so he brought two peaches with him, one for him, and one for me.
It was a delicious peach :)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
revival!
It's been a while. My life is generally uninteresting. Sometimes I compose posts in my head, trying to make a mental note to remember the phrases for when I'm actually at a computer. That never happens. When I do sit at a computer, the process of regurgitating the happenings in written form creates a serious mental block, and I say "forget it" and surf the intertubes instead.
Some brief updates on various fronts:
- My knee got worse to now also include issues with my knee cap cartilage, but I still play frisbee. Just trying to take it easy when I play ... but when is running at 60% effort really possible? Either you chase it down, or you don't. There's not really any in between.
- Best Friend left Boston yesterday. I really didn't see her all that much while she was here ... I'm in the city, and she's at the end of the train line. Driving her to the airport, I realized how much I missed talking to her, and cried inside that it'd be my last conversation with her for a while to come.
- Broadway and I teeter between being ridiculously affectionate/loving with each other and harboring contempt. Or maybe the contempt is just on my part. During the low points, I question my judgment of being with him. During points of affection, I think I want to be with him forever. Who knows what will happen, and I may just end up going along with the flow.
- That annoying guy in my office finally left. Hurrah.
Some brief updates on various fronts:
- My knee got worse to now also include issues with my knee cap cartilage, but I still play frisbee. Just trying to take it easy when I play ... but when is running at 60% effort really possible? Either you chase it down, or you don't. There's not really any in between.
- Best Friend left Boston yesterday. I really didn't see her all that much while she was here ... I'm in the city, and she's at the end of the train line. Driving her to the airport, I realized how much I missed talking to her, and cried inside that it'd be my last conversation with her for a while to come.
- Broadway and I teeter between being ridiculously affectionate/loving with each other and harboring contempt. Or maybe the contempt is just on my part. During the low points, I question my judgment of being with him. During points of affection, I think I want to be with him forever. Who knows what will happen, and I may just end up going along with the flow.
- That annoying guy in my office finally left. Hurrah.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
three weeks ago ...
My manager comes to me to ask how my progress is going on this project we need to deliver this summer, sometime in July.
manager: how's the progress on Project X?
me: oh, I think we're on track for July. Thanks for prioritizing out some of that stuff with me last month.
manager: no problem
A day later, I get an email from him:
"Seine,
Wow, it turns out that we need to submit our client report by May 1!!!!!!
-Manager"
Yikes. So that's where I've been the last few weeks.
manager: how's the progress on Project X?
me: oh, I think we're on track for July. Thanks for prioritizing out some of that stuff with me last month.
manager: no problem
A day later, I get an email from him:
"Seine,
Wow, it turns out that we need to submit our client report by May 1!!!!!!
-Manager"
Yikes. So that's where I've been the last few weeks.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
it's all in the numbers
I happened upon this post today, which I presume was written to "raise awareness" and to promote discussion, but read more like "here are some numbers to raise your temperature, and we welcome all rants about the the current, military-centric, fiscally-irresponsible US administration."
Whatever the argument, I believe in convincing others with the merit of my point, and the gross misrepresentation of the numbers here utterly frustrated me. I'm not denying that the US spends an incredible amount on defense, but a key point was left out of this post: these numbers are ABSOLUTE numbers. The US is a much bigger country than France, which stands #2 in absolute standing. Normalizing to population, the US spending is ~$1900 per capita, whereas France stands at ~$1150 per capita. Yes, the US spending is still almost twice is high, but not so egregiously off-balanced as the original numbers would have you believe.
Because I have nothing better to do on a Sunday, I normalized the list for spendings by country and re-arranged the list by per-capita defense spendings:
Whatever the argument, I believe in convincing others with the merit of my point, and the gross misrepresentation of the numbers here utterly frustrated me. I'm not denying that the US spends an incredible amount on defense, but a key point was left out of this post: these numbers are ABSOLUTE numbers. The US is a much bigger country than France, which stands #2 in absolute standing. Normalizing to population, the US spending is ~$1900 per capita, whereas France stands at ~$1150 per capita. Yes, the US spending is still almost twice is high, but not so egregiously off-balanced as the original numbers would have you believe.
Because I have nothing better to do on a Sunday, I normalized the list for spendings by country and re-arranged the list by per-capita defense spendings:
- United States - $1919
- Israel - $1300
- Saudi Arabia - $1255
- France - $1158
- UK - $1137
- Australia - $974
- Netherands - $730
- South Korea - $568
- Italy - $549
- Germany - $543
- Canada - $516
- Republic of China (Taiwan) - $457
- Spain - $349
- Japan - $326
- Poland - $284
- Russia - $281
- Turkey - $214
- Brazil - $136
- China - $44
- India - $23
Now what's immediately interesting is that Israel and Saudi Arabia are right up there with the US in per-capita defense spending. China and India, with their huge populations, are all of a sudden at the bottom of the list (though China's is probably still lower than actual). More over, developed countries overall spend a lot more on defense than developing countries.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Patagonia love
Once upon a time, I got a Patagonia waterproof jacket for my birthday (it looked like this, but in blue). It was an expensive jacket that I tried on again and again and admired to no end every time I went into the Patagonia store. I always ultimately put the jacket back on the racks, though, dissuaded by the hefty price tag.
Engineer bought the jacket for me for my birthday three years ago. I loved it and cherished it for more than its magical abilities to be absolutely impermeable to water--the jacket was a nostalgic reminder of Engineer, something that I could hold close to me whenever I missed him. Given that we also broke up on that same birthday (a different story for a different day), the jacket became my most valued possession. I took extra care of it and wore it very rarely.
A couple of months ago, it dawned on me that layered over a thick fleece, the jacket would actually work perfectly for winter. It completely blocks wind, rain/snow, and is extremely light and compact. Enough time had also passed that I no longer cared to keep the jacket hanging in its pristine condition, so I dug it out of my cloeset and started to wear it every day. With the start of outdoor ultimate practices, it also became my rain gear.
So imagine my surprise when I discovered that the jacket leaked in a few places. I was completely devastated, from all fronts: 1) expensive jackets like this should not break after minimal use, 2) I no longer had reliable rain gear and was freezing and wet at practice, and 3) the jacket had now just lost its functionality, which in turn nostalgically reinstated its sentimentality and made me want to cry.
On a whim, I went to the Newbury Street Patagonia store today to browse their current line of waterproof hardshells. I was the only person in the store, and after feeling obligated to ask some questions to the the eager sales rep, I told him about my disappointment with my current Patagonia jacket. It didn't seem right to me that a jacket that expensive would break in so short of a time.
He took me downstairs to a girl more knowledgable about jacket construction, originally because he thought perhaps my jacket could be fixed for a small price. I showed her the places where the waterproof liner membrane had started to peel, and the places where water had seeped through the membrane. She told me that the jacket was becoming delaminated, which is something covered under warranty. After some research, she determined that the jacket cost $249 when it was bought three years ago. Since the style is now discontinued, she said I could then have a $249 credit toward a new jacket.
Wait, did I hear right? $249 off any new jacket? Yup, you heard right. Trade in your old jacket for $249 off a new jacket.
30 minutes later, after trying and retrying multiple jackets, I bought the Grade VI Jacket for ~$75. Wow. I asked the girl what they will now do with my old jacket, and she said they usually donate it to Goodwill or recycle it to make new jackets.
As I walked out of the store, I thought about the priceless aspects of the jacket I had just traded away, with seemingly not much thought. It dawned on me that it wasn't so priceless anymore. Sometimes, I still think about Engineer, but not to miss him and to wish him back into my life like I used to. I now think about him as another character in my past, an important character sure, but nontheless just another character.
As for these jackets that I now know I can trade in and re-trade in, these Patagonia jackets for life will always be there for me when I'm feeling mellow and want to take that minute to reminesce about the good days with the Engineer once upon a time. At all the other times, the jackets are really pretty superior when it comes to keeping me warm and dry.
Engineer bought the jacket for me for my birthday three years ago. I loved it and cherished it for more than its magical abilities to be absolutely impermeable to water--the jacket was a nostalgic reminder of Engineer, something that I could hold close to me whenever I missed him. Given that we also broke up on that same birthday (a different story for a different day), the jacket became my most valued possession. I took extra care of it and wore it very rarely.
A couple of months ago, it dawned on me that layered over a thick fleece, the jacket would actually work perfectly for winter. It completely blocks wind, rain/snow, and is extremely light and compact. Enough time had also passed that I no longer cared to keep the jacket hanging in its pristine condition, so I dug it out of my cloeset and started to wear it every day. With the start of outdoor ultimate practices, it also became my rain gear.
So imagine my surprise when I discovered that the jacket leaked in a few places. I was completely devastated, from all fronts: 1) expensive jackets like this should not break after minimal use, 2) I no longer had reliable rain gear and was freezing and wet at practice, and 3) the jacket had now just lost its functionality, which in turn nostalgically reinstated its sentimentality and made me want to cry.
On a whim, I went to the Newbury Street Patagonia store today to browse their current line of waterproof hardshells. I was the only person in the store, and after feeling obligated to ask some questions to the the eager sales rep, I told him about my disappointment with my current Patagonia jacket. It didn't seem right to me that a jacket that expensive would break in so short of a time.
He took me downstairs to a girl more knowledgable about jacket construction, originally because he thought perhaps my jacket could be fixed for a small price. I showed her the places where the waterproof liner membrane had started to peel, and the places where water had seeped through the membrane. She told me that the jacket was becoming delaminated, which is something covered under warranty. After some research, she determined that the jacket cost $249 when it was bought three years ago. Since the style is now discontinued, she said I could then have a $249 credit toward a new jacket.
Wait, did I hear right? $249 off any new jacket? Yup, you heard right. Trade in your old jacket for $249 off a new jacket.
30 minutes later, after trying and retrying multiple jackets, I bought the Grade VI Jacket for ~$75. Wow. I asked the girl what they will now do with my old jacket, and she said they usually donate it to Goodwill or recycle it to make new jackets.
As I walked out of the store, I thought about the priceless aspects of the jacket I had just traded away, with seemingly not much thought. It dawned on me that it wasn't so priceless anymore. Sometimes, I still think about Engineer, but not to miss him and to wish him back into my life like I used to. I now think about him as another character in my past, an important character sure, but nontheless just another character.
As for these jackets that I now know I can trade in and re-trade in, these Patagonia jackets for life will always be there for me when I'm feeling mellow and want to take that minute to reminesce about the good days with the Engineer once upon a time. At all the other times, the jackets are really pretty superior when it comes to keeping me warm and dry.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
the past few weeks
The problem with not posting regularly is that it quickly becomes a viscious cycle to never post ... There is so much to write about and nothing to write about all at once that sitting down to post becomes a mental block as I feel obligated to recount all the previous posts brewing in my head first before actually getting to the topic of the day. It's debillitating.
So today's going to be overcome paralysis day as I summarize the past three weeks in a list format (my college communications class taught me well):
1) Lessons learned from the other side of the interview table - We're in the middle of a hiring frenzy, with three positions open at last count. From over-qualified candidates to candidates who bomb it on interviews to inevitably making candidates wait longer than expected to hear our hiring decisions, it makes me wonder how I will ever get back into this job search thing in a year or so. Maybe I should just stay where I am after all ... they're probably not going to kick me out, so why put myself out there for people with unreasonable standards elsewhere?
2) I'm not invincible to sports injuries. I got myself some ITBS, aka a form of runner's knee. I'd never heard of it before my exhaustive google search after not being able to even walk without pain. I know knee injuries suck, and I've always said a silent prayer when I see others with knee injuries and thanked god that it wasn't me ... I just never thought I'd get a knee injury. This means staying off the ultimate fields for a while ... hmm ... good excuse to skip practice for a while.
3) Resentment builds sometimes, but I've accepted that this is just who I am, with Broadway or with anyone else. At a sushi restaurant out in the 'burbs Monday night, we both looked at each other across the table and said we weren't sure the highly rated restaurant was worth our 30 minute drive. Then Broadway said, laughingly, "Well, I think we just have high standards." This made me think, silently, resentfully, "You mean YOU have high standards." Then I thought, no wait, I do have high standards. Which then led to the thought, "But my standards have gotten higher since dating YOU." 10 seconds later of yo-yo thoughts, and I was over the whole thing. We all have things we harbor secret resentment for, but we're still golden if at the end of the day, they don't approach anything remotely fundamental. It's the big picture that counts, and the big picture is good.
So there really wasn't all that much to write about the past few weeks. Perhaps it was justified that this post was so long in coming. The life is just ... unnoteworthy.
So today's going to be overcome paralysis day as I summarize the past three weeks in a list format (my college communications class taught me well):
1) Lessons learned from the other side of the interview table - We're in the middle of a hiring frenzy, with three positions open at last count. From over-qualified candidates to candidates who bomb it on interviews to inevitably making candidates wait longer than expected to hear our hiring decisions, it makes me wonder how I will ever get back into this job search thing in a year or so. Maybe I should just stay where I am after all ... they're probably not going to kick me out, so why put myself out there for people with unreasonable standards elsewhere?
2) I'm not invincible to sports injuries. I got myself some ITBS, aka a form of runner's knee. I'd never heard of it before my exhaustive google search after not being able to even walk without pain. I know knee injuries suck, and I've always said a silent prayer when I see others with knee injuries and thanked god that it wasn't me ... I just never thought I'd get a knee injury. This means staying off the ultimate fields for a while ... hmm ... good excuse to skip practice for a while.
3) Resentment builds sometimes, but I've accepted that this is just who I am, with Broadway or with anyone else. At a sushi restaurant out in the 'burbs Monday night, we both looked at each other across the table and said we weren't sure the highly rated restaurant was worth our 30 minute drive. Then Broadway said, laughingly, "Well, I think we just have high standards." This made me think, silently, resentfully, "You mean YOU have high standards." Then I thought, no wait, I do have high standards. Which then led to the thought, "But my standards have gotten higher since dating YOU." 10 seconds later of yo-yo thoughts, and I was over the whole thing. We all have things we harbor secret resentment for, but we're still golden if at the end of the day, they don't approach anything remotely fundamental. It's the big picture that counts, and the big picture is good.
So there really wasn't all that much to write about the past few weeks. Perhaps it was justified that this post was so long in coming. The life is just ... unnoteworthy.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
cell phone tricks
It's been another bad week at work ... in the meantime, enjoy some cell phone tricks a friend sent to me. No guarantees that they work--I haven't tried them myself--but at least they sound cool and magical ...
-----------------------
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you findyourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112, and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you. Interestingly, this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
SECOND
Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
THIRD - Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#. Your cell phone will restart with this reserve and the instrumentwill show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell phone next time.
FOURTH - How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this , there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
And Finally....
FIFTH - Free Directory Service for Cells
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800)FREE411, or (800)373-3411, without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.
-----------------------
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you findyourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112, and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you. Interestingly, this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
SECOND
Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
THIRD - Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#. Your cell phone will restart with this reserve and the instrumentwill show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell phone next time.
FOURTH - How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this , there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
And Finally....
FIFTH - Free Directory Service for Cells
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800)FREE411, or (800)373-3411, without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
describing broadway
It's hard to see Broadway's good points reading this blog, especially when most of the things I describe are negative. Geekhiker's comment on the last post really highlighted the fact that while focusing on the negative aspects of Broadway's "cynicism", I neglected to paint the full picture of his value system.
Just as wealth doesn't trickle down in the so-call trickle-down economics, Broadway's resentment/"cynicism" also do not trickle down from the wealthy. He has little respect for Wallstreet, but has the utmost respect for the "common folk": the janitor, the mailman, the librarian, the cab driver.
It's hard for me to articulate his sense of character and what he considers noble. It's easier to say that generally, he sees money and character as being mutually exclusive, and he has little tolerance for social and cultural ignorance.
On the money issue, his steadfast view is that those with money (lawyers, bankers) and those on their way to making money (snooty 23-year-old consultants) lack character. Doctors are okay because doctors have a tangible role in society. Bankers and consultants just create more evil, in addition to wasting their educations and brain power on things that contribute to society's downfall.
His ostracizing southerners stems from his stereotyping them to be "white-trash" ignorant. He doesn't hate southerners for being southern; he hates southerners because to him, they are the epitome of Big America, white supremacist ignorance. There certainly is a level of hypocrisy in that: his own ignorance and failure to recognize his egregious generalizations and stereotyping. But I do want to make the distinction that Broadway does not judge without a cause. His disdain for southerners is for the same reasons obnoxious American tourists are hated abroad: he sees southerners as being self-absorbed in their own lives of guns and country clubs (and oil), loud yet ignorant of the diverse worldly society outside of their immediate surroundings of tailgates, pickup trucks, and the U-S-of-A.
Yes, he is stereotyping, but no, he does not hate southerners as a people, but rather the characteristics that he associates with them. That generalizations-ridden association is, obviously, debatable.
As for things he does place value in, he is incredibly liberal, as in socialist. He firmly believes in equality for all, social welfare and social justice. He sees no difference between himself and the janitor who comes to empty the trash in his office. He is not above the janitor just because he has an office job and the janitor does not. Taking it one step farther, the janitor is high above the banker because the janitor adds value to society.
Formal education is not important (though good), but social education is. The janitor doesn't need to know correct grammar, but he janitor better not be racist. The banker may be able to run financial math models all day long, but the financial model only serves to make rich corporate America richer, thereby increasing the gap toward achieving social equality. No matter how well the banker is educated, he is by definition ignoble and lacking in social education.
I don't think I've given his value system enough justice and merit here, and I'm not sure I will ever be able to. Ultimately, my gripe with his attitude isn't with his fundamental ideas of value. His values are good and set with the noblest of intentions, even if I haven't been able to fairly and accurately regurgitate them here.
My problem with his attitude is how far he takes those values and insists on them.
Most of us have a healthy dose of reality and point fingers and nay nay at indulgent lifestyles, but we also recognize that not all Wallstreeters are selfish and immoral. As Geekhiker said, we see that the commercialization of Disney World is bad, but we're able to suspend that and thoroughly enjoy a day at the theme park. Walking down the street, we are able to sympathize with the small town lawyer making a living using a huge tacky marquee. Broadway can't sympathize because 1) Kokoras is a lawyer, and 2) Kokoras is a shameless lawyer.
I appreciate his values. I just think that his values are too stringent to be realistic, and I want him to chill out and just roll with things every now and then. I really respect Broadway for his opinions on the world, which actually ties in with Daisy's comment. In a way, now that I've seen the "light of his thinking", I also can't tolerate anything less. Seeking out someone better is something I definitely think about, but when I meet new people, I hold them up to the Broadway values standard, and guys just don't measure up.
I got jealous of my girlfriends this past week because I actually saw in their men the same set of values that Broadway has, but these guys manage to hold those values but still then take them with a grain a salt and recognize the impracticality of strictly abiding by a set of absolute ideals in life.
Just as wealth doesn't trickle down in the so-call trickle-down economics, Broadway's resentment/"cynicism" also do not trickle down from the wealthy. He has little respect for Wallstreet, but has the utmost respect for the "common folk": the janitor, the mailman, the librarian, the cab driver.
It's hard for me to articulate his sense of character and what he considers noble. It's easier to say that generally, he sees money and character as being mutually exclusive, and he has little tolerance for social and cultural ignorance.
On the money issue, his steadfast view is that those with money (lawyers, bankers) and those on their way to making money (snooty 23-year-old consultants) lack character. Doctors are okay because doctors have a tangible role in society. Bankers and consultants just create more evil, in addition to wasting their educations and brain power on things that contribute to society's downfall.
His ostracizing southerners stems from his stereotyping them to be "white-trash" ignorant. He doesn't hate southerners for being southern; he hates southerners because to him, they are the epitome of Big America, white supremacist ignorance. There certainly is a level of hypocrisy in that: his own ignorance and failure to recognize his egregious generalizations and stereotyping. But I do want to make the distinction that Broadway does not judge without a cause. His disdain for southerners is for the same reasons obnoxious American tourists are hated abroad: he sees southerners as being self-absorbed in their own lives of guns and country clubs (and oil), loud yet ignorant of the diverse worldly society outside of their immediate surroundings of tailgates, pickup trucks, and the U-S-of-A.
Yes, he is stereotyping, but no, he does not hate southerners as a people, but rather the characteristics that he associates with them. That generalizations-ridden association is, obviously, debatable.
As for things he does place value in, he is incredibly liberal, as in socialist. He firmly believes in equality for all, social welfare and social justice. He sees no difference between himself and the janitor who comes to empty the trash in his office. He is not above the janitor just because he has an office job and the janitor does not. Taking it one step farther, the janitor is high above the banker because the janitor adds value to society.
Formal education is not important (though good), but social education is. The janitor doesn't need to know correct grammar, but he janitor better not be racist. The banker may be able to run financial math models all day long, but the financial model only serves to make rich corporate America richer, thereby increasing the gap toward achieving social equality. No matter how well the banker is educated, he is by definition ignoble and lacking in social education.
I don't think I've given his value system enough justice and merit here, and I'm not sure I will ever be able to. Ultimately, my gripe with his attitude isn't with his fundamental ideas of value. His values are good and set with the noblest of intentions, even if I haven't been able to fairly and accurately regurgitate them here.
My problem with his attitude is how far he takes those values and insists on them.
Most of us have a healthy dose of reality and point fingers and nay nay at indulgent lifestyles, but we also recognize that not all Wallstreeters are selfish and immoral. As Geekhiker said, we see that the commercialization of Disney World is bad, but we're able to suspend that and thoroughly enjoy a day at the theme park. Walking down the street, we are able to sympathize with the small town lawyer making a living using a huge tacky marquee. Broadway can't sympathize because 1) Kokoras is a lawyer, and 2) Kokoras is a shameless lawyer.
I appreciate his values. I just think that his values are too stringent to be realistic, and I want him to chill out and just roll with things every now and then. I really respect Broadway for his opinions on the world, which actually ties in with Daisy's comment. In a way, now that I've seen the "light of his thinking", I also can't tolerate anything less. Seeking out someone better is something I definitely think about, but when I meet new people, I hold them up to the Broadway values standard, and guys just don't measure up.
I got jealous of my girlfriends this past week because I actually saw in their men the same set of values that Broadway has, but these guys manage to hold those values but still then take them with a grain a salt and recognize the impracticality of strictly abiding by a set of absolute ideals in life.
Monday, March 10, 2008
negative thoughts
The negative thoughts started when Broadway and I were still down in the tropics. Inexplicably, the things he did or said made me angry. Inevitably, he was in a mood to joke, and I was not and felt his jokes were incredibly not funny, inappropriate, and generally old news.
Upon returning, my patience with him has remained thin. Just about every comment he makes in jest has me seriously rolling my eyes. He has a habit of reading signs he sees and pronouncing them in immature ways. It's hard to explain what exactly grates on my nerves about these pronunciations: it's not the immaturity. I think my annoyance stems from his cynicism and inability to appreciate things that others do, and from his self-righteous feeling that he has a right (and need) to contort everything he deems "intellectually inferior" into something that he can then make fun of.
For example, we saw a sign on Saturday for a small, specialized lawyer while stopped at a stop light. Admittedly, the sign was huge, with the guy's name blasted across the entire marquee above the entryway. The guy's last name was Kokoras, and Broadway started laughing hysterically and loudly and very obnoxiously, said "Wow, that guy's name is Cock or Ass".
Again, it wasn't the immaturity that bothered me. It was the tone with which he said it, and that had the name been on a plaque outside a college professor's office, Broadway may not have made the same comment.
I see nothing wrong with a small time lawyer putting out a huge lighted sign to advertise his services. It is a bit tacky, but everyone makes their living their own way. The source of Broadway's immaturity Saturday was his innate disrespect for this type of profession. To him, anything less of a noble academic career at an Ivy League university is a waste of time and a disgrace to society.
To Broadway, jobs in the financial sector (consultants, bankers) are worthless, and these people add no value to society. Not that I am defending bankers in their indulgent lifestyles, but they do support the economy and the stock market. To Broadway, however, the stock market is just one big made up ploy to oppress the common man, and bankers and consultants are made self-important.
This level of cynicism about the world permeates into just about everything Broadway does and says. It's his entire outlook on his life. I've struggled with this mentality of his ever since the beginning of our relationship, and dealing with it better at times than now. My patience particularly breaks down when the target of his cynicism are things that I place value in: southerners (he generalizes all to be conservative, ignorant, and poorly educated), Disney World (it's just the commercial manifestation of white rich people continuing to brainwash their white rich kids), the quiet of surburban America (too restrictive, homogenous, and self-absorbed).
I don't disagree with his points. There are definitely elements of Disney World that we all wish weren't there: we all sorta moan at the melodrama of magic and fantasy and especially wish that it weren't so commercialized. But Disney World was a treat for me as a kid, and I'd want my kids to have that same treat. He has already stauchily put his foot down that no child of his will ever go to Disney World. I'm afraid that he wants his kids raised in some kind of socialist commune.
This last week or so has probably been the worst for me in terms of dealing with his outlooks on life. I am tired of them all, and I am tired of trying to mellow out his cynicsm. I know deep down that trying to change him is a bad starting point for our relationship (any relationship), and that I need to accept him for the person he is. Additionally, mellowing out his cynicism about white, middle-class, suburban America would be, in his mind, turning his back on his value system. He would never give up his value system, and it is not right for me to want him to.
I just wish he weren't so cynical.
When I am good, I see the greatness in his cynicism. I admire how real he is, and how he really does try to look through this pretentious outer layer clouding the world around us to see the things underneath that truly matter: not money, not status, but nobility of heart and intention, and being a truly good person. I appreciate his opening my eyes to some of the pretentiousness that I used to gloss over no questions asked, but at the same time, I envy my old ability to just accept without automatically questioning something's value.
I feel that I have become an even more judgmental person through this relationship with Broadway. In some ways, I've gotten more humble in that the very things of status that I used to admire now hold little weight in my mind (a good thing). However, that's come at a cost of my now jumping to judge others' desire for that status, which I seem to pick out more and more frequently in the people around me.
In a way, I'm now just as bad as Broadway. I now hold my own "humble" virtues as my claim to status, so this whole change in perspective has just invoked the biggest hypocrisy of all. My previous regard for social/financial status has now been supplanted onto my emphasis on"noble persona" status. I judge everyone around me for their minute showings of pretentiousness and desire for financial gain, and I preach my own views of the importance of "nobility of character".
I hate this feeling of being above others in cases like this, and I feel that my rejection of financial and social status is somewhat fake. It is me trying to be someone whom I am not but think I should be. It is good to think that money and small talk and cocktail parties are things that I'm not attracted to, but I don't think I gained this perspective in a healthy way.
This past week, these negative thoughts about myself have surged, and all of them have been funneled into resentment toward Broadway for influencing my thinking over the past year or so. I know that's not necessarily fair, but every time I sense in him the slightest bit of cynicism, my thoughts spiral into all these negative things. As a result, I have absolutely no patience for him.
All of this has been made worse by my seeing a couple of successful relationships this week (friends from the past visiting). I have gotten irrationally jealous of those girls for having snagged the perfect, non-depressed boyfriends/fiances/husbands who have a net optimism about life. I'm also being haunted with "what ifs", specifically with regards to the other guy whom pursued me around this time last year when things started with Broadway ...
Upon returning, my patience with him has remained thin. Just about every comment he makes in jest has me seriously rolling my eyes. He has a habit of reading signs he sees and pronouncing them in immature ways. It's hard to explain what exactly grates on my nerves about these pronunciations: it's not the immaturity. I think my annoyance stems from his cynicism and inability to appreciate things that others do, and from his self-righteous feeling that he has a right (and need) to contort everything he deems "intellectually inferior" into something that he can then make fun of.
For example, we saw a sign on Saturday for a small, specialized lawyer while stopped at a stop light. Admittedly, the sign was huge, with the guy's name blasted across the entire marquee above the entryway. The guy's last name was Kokoras, and Broadway started laughing hysterically and loudly and very obnoxiously, said "Wow, that guy's name is Cock or Ass".
Again, it wasn't the immaturity that bothered me. It was the tone with which he said it, and that had the name been on a plaque outside a college professor's office, Broadway may not have made the same comment.
I see nothing wrong with a small time lawyer putting out a huge lighted sign to advertise his services. It is a bit tacky, but everyone makes their living their own way. The source of Broadway's immaturity Saturday was his innate disrespect for this type of profession. To him, anything less of a noble academic career at an Ivy League university is a waste of time and a disgrace to society.
To Broadway, jobs in the financial sector (consultants, bankers) are worthless, and these people add no value to society. Not that I am defending bankers in their indulgent lifestyles, but they do support the economy and the stock market. To Broadway, however, the stock market is just one big made up ploy to oppress the common man, and bankers and consultants are made self-important.
This level of cynicism about the world permeates into just about everything Broadway does and says. It's his entire outlook on his life. I've struggled with this mentality of his ever since the beginning of our relationship, and dealing with it better at times than now. My patience particularly breaks down when the target of his cynicism are things that I place value in: southerners (he generalizes all to be conservative, ignorant, and poorly educated), Disney World (it's just the commercial manifestation of white rich people continuing to brainwash their white rich kids), the quiet of surburban America (too restrictive, homogenous, and self-absorbed).
I don't disagree with his points. There are definitely elements of Disney World that we all wish weren't there: we all sorta moan at the melodrama of magic and fantasy and especially wish that it weren't so commercialized. But Disney World was a treat for me as a kid, and I'd want my kids to have that same treat. He has already stauchily put his foot down that no child of his will ever go to Disney World. I'm afraid that he wants his kids raised in some kind of socialist commune.
This last week or so has probably been the worst for me in terms of dealing with his outlooks on life. I am tired of them all, and I am tired of trying to mellow out his cynicsm. I know deep down that trying to change him is a bad starting point for our relationship (any relationship), and that I need to accept him for the person he is. Additionally, mellowing out his cynicism about white, middle-class, suburban America would be, in his mind, turning his back on his value system. He would never give up his value system, and it is not right for me to want him to.
I just wish he weren't so cynical.
When I am good, I see the greatness in his cynicism. I admire how real he is, and how he really does try to look through this pretentious outer layer clouding the world around us to see the things underneath that truly matter: not money, not status, but nobility of heart and intention, and being a truly good person. I appreciate his opening my eyes to some of the pretentiousness that I used to gloss over no questions asked, but at the same time, I envy my old ability to just accept without automatically questioning something's value.
I feel that I have become an even more judgmental person through this relationship with Broadway. In some ways, I've gotten more humble in that the very things of status that I used to admire now hold little weight in my mind (a good thing). However, that's come at a cost of my now jumping to judge others' desire for that status, which I seem to pick out more and more frequently in the people around me.
In a way, I'm now just as bad as Broadway. I now hold my own "humble" virtues as my claim to status, so this whole change in perspective has just invoked the biggest hypocrisy of all. My previous regard for social/financial status has now been supplanted onto my emphasis on"noble persona" status. I judge everyone around me for their minute showings of pretentiousness and desire for financial gain, and I preach my own views of the importance of "nobility of character".
I hate this feeling of being above others in cases like this, and I feel that my rejection of financial and social status is somewhat fake. It is me trying to be someone whom I am not but think I should be. It is good to think that money and small talk and cocktail parties are things that I'm not attracted to, but I don't think I gained this perspective in a healthy way.
This past week, these negative thoughts about myself have surged, and all of them have been funneled into resentment toward Broadway for influencing my thinking over the past year or so. I know that's not necessarily fair, but every time I sense in him the slightest bit of cynicism, my thoughts spiral into all these negative things. As a result, I have absolutely no patience for him.
All of this has been made worse by my seeing a couple of successful relationships this week (friends from the past visiting). I have gotten irrationally jealous of those girls for having snagged the perfect, non-depressed boyfriends/fiances/husbands who have a net optimism about life. I'm also being haunted with "what ifs", specifically with regards to the other guy whom pursued me around this time last year when things started with Broadway ...
Friday, March 7, 2008
credit
I'm back, and strangely, the urgency of everything I had waiting for me after vacation got me in the office yesterday morning bright, early, and motivated (despite getting home at around 2am the night before). Usually I'm not this on top of things and inevitably need a day or two (a week) to recover from my vacation ...
There were lots of meetings yesterday, and I've just come back from another one this morning. Usually meetings are hits or misses for me ... I find most productive, but I contribute all or nothing. I've long gotten over the need to speak for the sake of having said something, anything, so there are plenty of meetings I sit through silently nowadays. At other meetings, like the ones yesterday, I take the floor consistently (hopefully making intelligent comments).
I was silent in the meeting this morning, though. It started out as being just usual morning groggyness, but very quickly stemmed from my realization that someone else was getting credit for my work, and I wasn't sure what to say.
This morning was a wrapup meeting following a project that concluded while I was away. We were being congratulated on a job well done, and one senior person (not present) was acknowleged for having gone above and beyond his call of duty. In particular, Senior Guy was heralded for a series of meeting he held with individuals and groups throughout the month of February that significantly affected the success of the project.
I felt miffed because those meetings were my work. Senior Guy was just the spokesperson.
Back in late January, I met with Senior Guy and proposed that we give some presentations and consult with a few key people in another part of the company to bring our project to their attention and also to get their backing and support. I thought that this would help move our stuff along, and he would be perfect to represent us.
Despite being much more senior than me, both in age and in position, Senior Guy played coy at first, asking rhetorically why I didn't want to go talk to these people myself. With a little insistence (it didn't take much), he agreed to speak on the project's behalf. I then used my connections to set up the presentations and individual meetings he then had in February.
"He so personally went and met with all of these people!" someone said this morning, emphasizing how greatly Senior Guy cared and how what he did really brought about the project's success.
There was no mention of my role at all.
I do wonder if things would have been slightly different had Senior Guy been present. Getting the glowing praise in my presence, I wonder if he would have said something to acknowledge me.
Everyone remembers the actor in a blockbuster movie, but who remembers the name of the cameraman without whom there would have been no movie?
There were lots of meetings yesterday, and I've just come back from another one this morning. Usually meetings are hits or misses for me ... I find most productive, but I contribute all or nothing. I've long gotten over the need to speak for the sake of having said something, anything, so there are plenty of meetings I sit through silently nowadays. At other meetings, like the ones yesterday, I take the floor consistently (hopefully making intelligent comments).
I was silent in the meeting this morning, though. It started out as being just usual morning groggyness, but very quickly stemmed from my realization that someone else was getting credit for my work, and I wasn't sure what to say.
This morning was a wrapup meeting following a project that concluded while I was away. We were being congratulated on a job well done, and one senior person (not present) was acknowleged for having gone above and beyond his call of duty. In particular, Senior Guy was heralded for a series of meeting he held with individuals and groups throughout the month of February that significantly affected the success of the project.
I felt miffed because those meetings were my work. Senior Guy was just the spokesperson.
Back in late January, I met with Senior Guy and proposed that we give some presentations and consult with a few key people in another part of the company to bring our project to their attention and also to get their backing and support. I thought that this would help move our stuff along, and he would be perfect to represent us.
Despite being much more senior than me, both in age and in position, Senior Guy played coy at first, asking rhetorically why I didn't want to go talk to these people myself. With a little insistence (it didn't take much), he agreed to speak on the project's behalf. I then used my connections to set up the presentations and individual meetings he then had in February.
"He so personally went and met with all of these people!" someone said this morning, emphasizing how greatly Senior Guy cared and how what he did really brought about the project's success.
There was no mention of my role at all.
I do wonder if things would have been slightly different had Senior Guy been present. Getting the glowing praise in my presence, I wonder if he would have said something to acknowledge me.
Everyone remembers the actor in a blockbuster movie, but who remembers the name of the cameraman without whom there would have been no movie?
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