cold, then hot

It turned out to be a nice Thanksgiving after all. I had a friend in town who flew out Thursday afternoon, and RC told me to call him after I dropped her off at the airport. I left my phone at home to charge, thinking I would call him after I got home instead of on my way home. I was surprised when I got home to have had two missed calls from him and a message along the lines of "I know you're probably really mad at me right now, after last night. Call me. I'm sorry."

So I called him back, and he said he really didn't think I was going to call him after I dropped off my friend. He didn't even think I would pick up his calls, and I realized that he thought I screened his calls. He asked if he could come over. I think I was just cold and aloof on the phone, but I told him sure he can come over.

He apologized profusely, even started crying. He said that he didn't know why he said the things that he did the night before, and he is so so sorry. He did say that when he essentially gave me an ultimatum of "That's just the way I am. If you can't deal with it, then this is it. Is this it for us?" he said partly he wanted to see how easily I would let go. Had I said yes, that really would have been it, and his reasoning would have been that if I'm that willing to let things go, then it probably wouldn't have worked in the end.

So he was testing me???

Then it got intense. He told me that he is sure he wants to be with me, as in forever. I asked him why he was crying, and he said he had been crying all day because he thought he had lost me. We had kinda joked about getting married before, not ha-ha joking, but the not-so-serious yeah let's get married in Hawaii on the beach. Thursday, though, it was no joking. He very sincerely and emphatically said that I am the one for him.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but I did tell him I could see myself marrying him. Then I got a little freaked out because he seriously started asking questions, "So I don't know how really to go about this. What do I need to do from here?" I coyly told him that was his problem; he needs to figure out how he wants to propose. He then said that we could get engaged in the spring (!!!!), and get married the next year (2008!!!).

Holy shit.

So many things started running through my head. First was a comparison to Key. Key and I were together for 2.5 years, and we started talking marriage maybe 1.5 years into the relationship, and I remember him saying that he's pretty sure we would stay together forever, and my asking him, "well, when do you want to do this?" His answer was always, "oh, well, we have to finish school first. At least I need to graduate, you know? So definitely not for a few more years." A year later, his answer changed to, "well, after I graduate, I want to get settled a little more before getting engaged. So not for a few more years."

I felt like Key always tried to avoid the topic, and he never gave a straightforward answer about the whole thing, whereas RC is here saying "yeah, let's get engaged in the spring." No hesitation, no lolly-dollying, he really is sure about this.

What about me? How do I feel? I feel like I still have reservations. Reservations about things that I can't change, all consequences of that fateful car accident. Were those things not there, I think I would be in this 100%, and then who knows, maybe I will actually be engaged before I turn 25. But with those things, I'm not certain, and it wouldn't be fair to me nor to RC if I commit to something I'm not 100% sure about. But then the question is, are we ever 100% sure? How do we know?

It is scary how quickly things can do a 180. Just this summer, I was thinking how I am at odds with myself. One part of me has this pre-conceived notion that I've always thought I'd get married around 25, that my mom getting married at 27 is too late, that I want something sooner for myself. The other part of me can't even seem to settle down to date one person for more than a month because of commitment-phobia. And here I am, a mere 4 months later, closer to being engaged than I've ever been.

I just think everything's happening too quickly, though I'm not ruling out the fact that with the right person, things can be fast and passionate. I only just met RC in August, August 13 in fact, at our mutual friend's wedding. It's been less than 4 months that we've even known each other, let alone date. Should we even be talking about how sure we are about spending the rest of our lives together?

UGH, men

It turned out that he didn't get the ecard. He said that he would have replied had he gotten something like that; maybe it went to his spam folder. I told him that he can't just disappear like that. If he's stressed, that's fine. If he wants some space and time, that's fine. But he can't be incommunicado. I told him that it's not something that I can deal with; it would be an incompatibility. I can't be with someone in a serious relationship, a marriage, if he's the type of person who, whenever he gets stressed, disappears off the face of the earth and cuts me out of his life for three days.

His response? "Well, that's how I am. I don't think I'm right for you. So is this it?" It is true; that's how he's always been. He cuts off everyone from his life. He drops people. But can't he at least say he's willing to try??

I asked him why he says things just to hurt. I knew what he was doing because I used to do the same thing. To Key. I would say things expressly because I knew those things would hurt, and I wanted to hurt him in those situations. I've learned since, and have gotten over that. Now RC is doing the same to me.

He's such a all-or-nothing person. At the first signs of things not working, any inkling that I am doubtful about us, he wants out. "Why be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I'll leave, no problem, no regrets" he said. That was his response when I made the statement, "If that's how you want to be, you can take your stuff and go home." We both are so stubborn, and I guess I still do throw words out because I know they would hurt. He just throws that hurt right back at me.

We're going to his friend's Thanksgiving dinner--because he said, "we always go do stuff with YOUR friends, so for once why can't YOU be the one who doesn't know anybody around the table and feel awkward?"--"okay baby, we'll go to your friend's place."

Even though THREE of my friends invited me to Thanksgiving dinner weeks ago. I'll turn down all three of them to go with you to your friend's, who decided two days ago to cook Thanksgiving dinner.

Friday was supposed to be our day by ourselves. A friend visiting me from out-of-town put that in a bit of jeopardy, but in the end, she changed her flight to leave Boston tomorrow instead of Friday, so Friday is now once again Mini-and-RC day. I asked him at the beginning of the phone conversation if he still wanted to keep with those plans because I knew he has so much he needs to get done in the next week or so. I asked repeatedly, checked and double-checked. He assured me that's what he wanted to do, and he'll get everything done tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday.

At the end of the conversation, I asked him the same thing. Does he still want the bed and breakfast reservation we have for Friday night. I asked because I felt like we may not even be dating anymore on Friday. Our relationship is *that* fragile right now. He said he still wanted the reservations. Maybe it'll be a good day for us, or maybe we'll just end up spending the whole day talking.

Toward the end, he admitted to having said some things because he was just going off of the steam and momentum of being pissed off. He said that he wants to try, to not completely block me off when he's stressed out, to let me inside that perpetual wall he has up. He asked me if I would let him try. I told him I would.

Of course I would, as long as he's worthy. And he's worthy ... right? RIGHT??

what's acceptable?

RC's really stressed out. He has three major things coming up next week, and I'm not sure he's worked on any of them yet, and he always wants to sleep. When he sleeps, he sleeps until noon the next day, thereby wasting the entire next day. Thus begins a viscious cycle whereby he needs to stay up really late the next day to do work, going to bed late, and sleeping in until noon again.

I asked him how he got everything done when he was writing his Masters thesis (he was back with the ex-girlfriend then), and he said that he had to isolate himself. So I told him if he needs to isolate himself, not come over, not stay over, do work at lab, then go ahead, if that's what he needs to do. Problem is that I think my definition of isolation is different from his. His definition seems to be complete isolation; I haven't heard from him (no email, no phone) at all. My definition is simply a physical isolation; you still call/email because you think about each other.

We made some tentative plans for Thanksgiving weekend; going to a friend's house for dinner and then Friday we had planned to go around Boston like tourists, go to see some stuff neither of us have seen before, and stay at a bed & breakfast Friday night in the heart of Boston. I emailed him yesterday (I'm tired of calling him) and basically said that even though I know we'll have a good time, if he at all feels like it's an obligation/burden right now because all the stuff he needs to get done, he doesn't have to do it. I would rather spend a day & night together being tourists in our own city when his mind isn't stressed and preoccupied.

I also sent him an ecard along the lines of "hope to brighten your day, and i'm thinking about you."

Nothing. No emails. No phone calls. No quick email to just say "hey, got the card." A thanks would be nice; a mere acknowledgment would suffice too. I know he's busy, but I find it a little weird that he completely cut me out.

Normally around now, I would give him a call. Today, I'm not going to. I'm tired. He can call me when he gets around to thinking about me.

Am I being unreasonable? Or do I have reason to be rather upset?

and we're back ...

... back because the questions just get more numeous and seemingly more serious. RC asked the same questions that Key once asked. "Why do you want to know so much? Why all the questions?"

I just want to know because I'm curious. I'm the kind of girlfriend (yes, I said it, I'm his girlfriend) who wants to know all the details of history. How many people have he slept with (and before that, how far had he gone physically)? How long does he date people before leaping into bed with them? How deep did he ever get emotionally? Etc. etc. etc.

RC claimed he had nothing to hide, and he would answer all my questions, but then said he didn't want to because he thought I would use the answers against him in some grand plot of ulterior motive. Umm ... ok.

my absence

The reason I haven't really posted in here is because I think there is someone reading whom I don't know about. An acquaintance, maybe, but definitely not someone whom I personally told about this blog's existence. And I can't come up with a new name for this space. So I'm going on a sabbatical.