Irish actually called me last night. I grabbed my phone like it was gold, flipped it open immediately, but then tried to sound calm and collected when I said, "hello". He called to say hi, to see how things were going, and to wish me a good trip if he doesn't see me before I leave on Thursday. I quickly interjected that I want to see him before I leave, and he floundered around a little, "oh, okay, I was just assuming you didn't want to be bothered because of your thesis proposal."
So we set up lunch for today, to meet at 11:40am. All sounded well, and I started rehearsing lines in my head as to what I would to say to him (I'm sorry I've been a bad friend; RC and I are together; I'm really sorry, etc. etc). Except I overslept my alarm and woke up at 12:02pm today. Yeah, take that for irony. I grabbed my phone in alarm and called, trying to sound as groggy as I could, "Irish, I am so so sorry; I totally slept through my alarm and just woke up." Ugh, how much lamer can I be???
He said "oh, don't worry about it. I ran into another friend, so we're having lunch here; you're welcome to join us if you want." So I put on some clothes, ran downstairs, grabbed my bike and went. Once I got there, his friend was actually just leaving, so I thought to myself, "Okay, at least I can still talk to Irish one-on-one."
Except he didnt seem to want to talk about anything substantive. I managed to squeeze in one sentence of "I don't want to dismiss what you emailed about, so I just want to make sure to say in person that I'm really sorry." He totally non-chalantly said, "Oh, don't worry about it. I was just upset that weekend. Apology accepted, but you didn't have to apologize."
Case closed, and he totally changed the subject to something trivial before I could say anything else, and he had a class to run to in 5 minutes, so I couldn't say anything else. I really wanted to tell him about RC, just to set the record straight, and to finally be mature and confront the situation with Irish and me always teetering on this fine line between friendship and dating and telling him that I choose friendship only. He's probably figured that by now, but I felt like it would only be right if I were to actually say it to him in person. I didn't get to say that. In fact, our whole conversation seemed strained; I'm not really sure what would even happen with our friendship.
I've been keeping RC in the loop through all this saga with Irish: from the whole feeling really really terrible about having been a bad friend to starting to feel annoyed that Irish was being so immature to the whole sleeping through half of our lunch date today. RC recently voiced the opinion that he thought Irish was going a bit overboard in his unwillingness to call me or talk to me, and that he's being too passive aggressive.
It's nice to know that RC is on my side of things (though my side's the only one he's heard). At the same time though, I can't help but feel guilty that I haven't given him the full story on Irish. All I've told him is that Irish and I are good friends. RC's picked up on the fact that he thinks Irish may resent him for taking up a lot of my time, and the words on the tip of my tongue that I never dare say are, "Yeah, that and because Irish wishes he were in your shoes being the one dating me."
I've come so close so many times in coming clean on the whole thing with RC, going into the whole fiasco of Irish and I going back and forth between friendship and something more, but I would always hold my tongue at the last minute. I want to tell RC the full story, but at this stage, I feel that it's wiser if he weren't in the know, especially since he works so closely with Irish in the same lab. I don't want to add to the awkwardness of his lab situation by making him aware of the full complexity.
Is that the right decision? I hope so. Maybe some months down the road, I'll fill RC in on the loop. But right now, things are so fresh that this part of the story may be better left unsaid.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
umm ... awkward
I was out last night going around campus doing some crazy stuff with a fairly large group (RC was my partner in crime, and 4-5 others were there to help out). Around 11:30pm, we walk by a main part of campus, and we run into Irish out with some other mutual friends. I freak out initially ... what do I do? What do I say to him? Then I remember that HE's the one who hasn't called me; I haven't done anything wrong.
So I did what I usually do, go up, give him a hug, say hello. Then I called him out, "You haven't called me." He kind scrunched up his nose, wobbled his head back and forth a couple of times, and said "Yeah, I know." I didn't say anything further.
As our two groups were saying goodbye, I went up to him specifically and said just to him, "Hey, call me when you're ready." He said, "okay."
Yeah, bullshit, I thought to myself as I walked away. No way he's going to call me because he is a damn passive aggressive coward. If he really has so much disappointment bottled up, quit hiding behind emails and just tell me to my face. I know that he probably also resents RC because pretty much every time I've run into him recently, I've been with RC. I doubt that makes him feel any better seeing as how his problem with me was my lack of time for him.
RC told me the other day that he ran into Irish at lab, and everything seemed fine. They chatted, talked, had a good laugh, and I just rolled my eyes. Knowing Irish, he probably had all kinds of stuff he was thinking against RC, but he's too cowardly to ever display discontent/dislike to anyone's face.
This is so frustrating and has gotten to the point where I am just fed up. Irish needs to grow up. If he has a problem with me, he needs to tell me what the hell it is. I get the feeling that it's much bigger than what he's letting on, and I told him so in an email (to which he has not replied). I am trying to be the adult and deal with the conflict whereas he is hiding behind some weird wall. He is so afraid of confrontation.
So I did what I usually do, go up, give him a hug, say hello. Then I called him out, "You haven't called me." He kind scrunched up his nose, wobbled his head back and forth a couple of times, and said "Yeah, I know." I didn't say anything further.
As our two groups were saying goodbye, I went up to him specifically and said just to him, "Hey, call me when you're ready." He said, "okay."
Yeah, bullshit, I thought to myself as I walked away. No way he's going to call me because he is a damn passive aggressive coward. If he really has so much disappointment bottled up, quit hiding behind emails and just tell me to my face. I know that he probably also resents RC because pretty much every time I've run into him recently, I've been with RC. I doubt that makes him feel any better seeing as how his problem with me was my lack of time for him.
RC told me the other day that he ran into Irish at lab, and everything seemed fine. They chatted, talked, had a good laugh, and I just rolled my eyes. Knowing Irish, he probably had all kinds of stuff he was thinking against RC, but he's too cowardly to ever display discontent/dislike to anyone's face.
This is so frustrating and has gotten to the point where I am just fed up. Irish needs to grow up. If he has a problem with me, he needs to tell me what the hell it is. I get the feeling that it's much bigger than what he's letting on, and I told him so in an email (to which he has not replied). I am trying to be the adult and deal with the conflict whereas he is hiding behind some weird wall. He is so afraid of confrontation.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
update
I haven't written in a while, mainly because I lay in bed until 2pm everyday with RC. Yeah, what a great and productive life we lead. I like being with him, but it's becoming a time sink that I can't control. I ought to be able to control it by just getting out of bed, but I have a hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning when I'm by myself. I basically just need a strong injection of self-control.
On the friends front, apparently I screwed things up with Irish. Irish wanted to do something last Thursday, and he emailed me earlier in the week about it. Irish wanted to go see this band play at a bar in a town north of here. The show starts around 10pm, and he wanted to go at 10, stay a couple of hours, and catch the last train back. I told him initially that I have something I do with my students every Thursday at 10pm, and that's non-negotiable, but maybe I could go with him when that's over around 11pm, but then I'm not sure about catching the last train back. He emailed back and said "yeah, sure, I think 11pm would work fine. And since we can't get there earlier, maybe there's another faster way to get there other than public transportation (hint hint: maybe you can drive?)"
Okay, slight digression. That email kinda annoyed me. I hate driving in the city when I don't have to. It's crowded; there are too many people; I get terrible gas mileage (not so big of a deal now that gas prices have come way down); I can never find parking; I inevitably get a parking ticket slapped on my windshield because I'm parked somewhere I'm not supposed to. I don't think Irish ever thinks about any of this; he only thinks to himself, "oh, she has a car, that's so much easier." Just the other day, he asked me if I could drive us to this museum that's a 20 minute walk (driving there would take 20 minutes, and I'd have to pay $15 for parking because it's the stupid city). I feel like he really takes me for granted when it comes to giving him lifts everywhere. If I'm out with the car already, I don't mind giving him a ride somewhere, even if it's slightly out of the way. But if my car is happily parked at home, and I'm going into the city, 95% I'll opt for public transportation because it's so much easier, cheaper, and just less hassle.
Alright, digression done. So I see that email from him, and I'm fairly annoyed, but I think I said I'd consider it. Come Thursday, I realize that my schedule is as follows:
- meeting with a club manager at 5:30 to plan a party
- dinner with my university's trustees board at 7pm (part of my duties being involved with student gov't)
- study break with my students at 10pm that i do every single Thursday
- i promised my students brownies and carrot cake last week, so I had to get home around 9pm to start making stuff
The last thing I wanted to do was to get in my car at the end of all of this, pick up Irish, not find parking, go to some strange bar after parking illegally, pay cover, listen to a band I don't know play, get a parking ticket, and come home around 1am. I just wanted to relax after the study break, sleep, veg out. I didn't want to go out. So I emailed him and told him so, that I need to simplify my life, and it would be too chaotic to try to go to see the band.
He emailed back saying something like "Oh man, you're worse than my mom for how busy you are. Sure, no problem. Give me a call just to say hi." Except in my rush of reading/scanning emails, i just read the first part of "no problem" and didn't go on to read that he wanted me to call him. So I didn't call him.
Earlier last week, we had also talked about going to check out this Museum exhibit sometime during the weekend since it was a long weekend (Columbus Day?). I texted him on Sunday saying "Hey, do you want to see exhibit on Monday?" He texted back, "Sorry, Monday doesn't work so well." I text, "How about Tuesday then?" He texted back, "The next few days are all pretty bad."
I'm like ... umm, what the hell? I'm out apple picking with my students (my house took a typical fall trip because of the long weekend), so I couldn't really call. So I texted him, "okay, is everything alright?" His response was equally short and vague, "Yup, a-okay. later, Irish." And this coming from a guy who also goes over the character limit per text, so I usually get 2 texts from him at a time b/c he's so verbose his message has to be divided up and sent via two texts. Something's wrong, right?
I get back from apple picking on Sunday, and I called him. He wouldn't pick up, so I left him a voicemail, "Hey, just wondering what's going on, if you're okay. I'll be around all night if you want to talk." I don't hear from him at all. Tuesday, I send him a text, "Hey, do you want to grab coffee sometime?" I dont' hear from him.
Finally, Tuesday night, he sends me this email:
Mini,
hey, i should probably just come clean dude...I just got a little disappointed this weekend...i thought you were going to call Thursday to say hello seen as we couldn't hang out and then I didn't hear from you for a few days...I just feel like our friendship is kinda difficult at times and I don't know why...when we hang out we have a fun time and i think everything is good but it
seems when i ask to do something it's always a bad time or there's something else going on and it makes me feel like you need more space or that i'm just another aquaintance that you have to squeeze into your schedule and i don't know, just i'm fed up with acquaintancy relationships and hanging out on somebody elses schedule...makes things not seem that natural when we don't just call to say a quick hey and see how things are....i understand that you are busy but something makes me feel that there is more to it than that...i feel like there's some barrier there that i've been trying to work around but just can't bridge...this weekend i just lost my energy for it and didn't really feel like talking it to death or intellectualizing it to death...so flaking seemed like a cowardly, but easier option...
yeah, so i don't know what to say, i guess sorry, but that's the way i've been feeling...
Irish
Well, fuck. Part of me felt really extremely bad. Yes, I was a total flake. But the other part of me felt really defensive. I've got so much stuff going on (whether or not I spread myself too thin is certainly debatable, but the fact of the matter is that there's a lot of stuff I have to do), ON TOP of needing to do this thesis proposal, which he knew about. For him to add stress to my situation is just slightly unfair (or am I being too selfish here?). When I don't have a lot on my plate, I do think to do random little things like calling a friend just to say hi, or emailing to get lunch together. But when I'm so behind on everything, I just don't think about any of this stuff. (Or perhaps more accurately, when my mind is pre-occupied with another person, I get really behind and I don't think about other things in my life ... I can't multi-task attention-giving).
Ugh, so I emailed back apologizing profusely and very sincerely, not saying anything about my being a bit annoyed that he would lay this guilt trip on me because I knew that I have not been a good friend to him. I told him that I want to talk in person instead of emailing essays of feelings/thoughts back and forth, but I haven't had luck in contacting him because he's essentially ignoring me. I told him to call me if/when he wants to talk, but I understand if he needs some time.
His email back said that he wants to chill a little bit, think things over, and maybe he'll call me Wednesday night (last night). I had to email him back and say that I'm unavailable Wednesday night because I have a meeting at 5:30, and my weekly ultimate game is at 7pm down south from here, and I don't get back until really really late. I told him that I'd be up for meeting up before 5:30 ... and I mentioned the irony that in trying to meet up to address this issue, my schedule is once again getting in the way, and I'm asking him to hang out on my schedule. I tried to put things in context (I have 600+ emails in my inbox, 5 voice mails on my phone ... I haven't replied to most of those emails, and I only called back one person) and to reassure him that when I say "I'm busy" or "That's not a good time", I'm not trying to avoid him, my schedule really is just the shits.
He never called me yesterday. I don't know what I should do here. Should I keep calling him? (at some point, I don't even want to try anymore because he obviously isn't mature enough to stop being such a passive-aggressive knucklehead). Should I just wait for him to contact me? How long is that going to take? Am I seriously losing this friend whom I've come to call my best friend at grad school?
Why can't he just understand that my schedule is really ridiculous, that I don't talk to much of anybody unless it's business, and unless I'm dating someone and can see him at night at the end of the day in the comfort of my own home, I don't see people period?
On the friends front, apparently I screwed things up with Irish. Irish wanted to do something last Thursday, and he emailed me earlier in the week about it. Irish wanted to go see this band play at a bar in a town north of here. The show starts around 10pm, and he wanted to go at 10, stay a couple of hours, and catch the last train back. I told him initially that I have something I do with my students every Thursday at 10pm, and that's non-negotiable, but maybe I could go with him when that's over around 11pm, but then I'm not sure about catching the last train back. He emailed back and said "yeah, sure, I think 11pm would work fine. And since we can't get there earlier, maybe there's another faster way to get there other than public transportation (hint hint: maybe you can drive?)"
Okay, slight digression. That email kinda annoyed me. I hate driving in the city when I don't have to. It's crowded; there are too many people; I get terrible gas mileage (not so big of a deal now that gas prices have come way down); I can never find parking; I inevitably get a parking ticket slapped on my windshield because I'm parked somewhere I'm not supposed to. I don't think Irish ever thinks about any of this; he only thinks to himself, "oh, she has a car, that's so much easier." Just the other day, he asked me if I could drive us to this museum that's a 20 minute walk (driving there would take 20 minutes, and I'd have to pay $15 for parking because it's the stupid city). I feel like he really takes me for granted when it comes to giving him lifts everywhere. If I'm out with the car already, I don't mind giving him a ride somewhere, even if it's slightly out of the way. But if my car is happily parked at home, and I'm going into the city, 95% I'll opt for public transportation because it's so much easier, cheaper, and just less hassle.
Alright, digression done. So I see that email from him, and I'm fairly annoyed, but I think I said I'd consider it. Come Thursday, I realize that my schedule is as follows:
- meeting with a club manager at 5:30 to plan a party
- dinner with my university's trustees board at 7pm (part of my duties being involved with student gov't)
- study break with my students at 10pm that i do every single Thursday
- i promised my students brownies and carrot cake last week, so I had to get home around 9pm to start making stuff
The last thing I wanted to do was to get in my car at the end of all of this, pick up Irish, not find parking, go to some strange bar after parking illegally, pay cover, listen to a band I don't know play, get a parking ticket, and come home around 1am. I just wanted to relax after the study break, sleep, veg out. I didn't want to go out. So I emailed him and told him so, that I need to simplify my life, and it would be too chaotic to try to go to see the band.
He emailed back saying something like "Oh man, you're worse than my mom for how busy you are. Sure, no problem. Give me a call just to say hi." Except in my rush of reading/scanning emails, i just read the first part of "no problem" and didn't go on to read that he wanted me to call him. So I didn't call him.
Earlier last week, we had also talked about going to check out this Museum exhibit sometime during the weekend since it was a long weekend (Columbus Day?). I texted him on Sunday saying "Hey, do you want to see exhibit on Monday?" He texted back, "Sorry, Monday doesn't work so well." I text, "How about Tuesday then?" He texted back, "The next few days are all pretty bad."
I'm like ... umm, what the hell? I'm out apple picking with my students (my house took a typical fall trip because of the long weekend), so I couldn't really call. So I texted him, "okay, is everything alright?" His response was equally short and vague, "Yup, a-okay. later, Irish." And this coming from a guy who also goes over the character limit per text, so I usually get 2 texts from him at a time b/c he's so verbose his message has to be divided up and sent via two texts. Something's wrong, right?
I get back from apple picking on Sunday, and I called him. He wouldn't pick up, so I left him a voicemail, "Hey, just wondering what's going on, if you're okay. I'll be around all night if you want to talk." I don't hear from him at all. Tuesday, I send him a text, "Hey, do you want to grab coffee sometime?" I dont' hear from him.
Finally, Tuesday night, he sends me this email:
Mini,
hey, i should probably just come clean dude...I just got a little disappointed this weekend...i thought you were going to call Thursday to say hello seen as we couldn't hang out and then I didn't hear from you for a few days...I just feel like our friendship is kinda difficult at times and I don't know why...when we hang out we have a fun time and i think everything is good but it
seems when i ask to do something it's always a bad time or there's something else going on and it makes me feel like you need more space or that i'm just another aquaintance that you have to squeeze into your schedule and i don't know, just i'm fed up with acquaintancy relationships and hanging out on somebody elses schedule...makes things not seem that natural when we don't just call to say a quick hey and see how things are....i understand that you are busy but something makes me feel that there is more to it than that...i feel like there's some barrier there that i've been trying to work around but just can't bridge...this weekend i just lost my energy for it and didn't really feel like talking it to death or intellectualizing it to death...so flaking seemed like a cowardly, but easier option...
yeah, so i don't know what to say, i guess sorry, but that's the way i've been feeling...
Irish
Well, fuck. Part of me felt really extremely bad. Yes, I was a total flake. But the other part of me felt really defensive. I've got so much stuff going on (whether or not I spread myself too thin is certainly debatable, but the fact of the matter is that there's a lot of stuff I have to do), ON TOP of needing to do this thesis proposal, which he knew about. For him to add stress to my situation is just slightly unfair (or am I being too selfish here?). When I don't have a lot on my plate, I do think to do random little things like calling a friend just to say hi, or emailing to get lunch together. But when I'm so behind on everything, I just don't think about any of this stuff. (Or perhaps more accurately, when my mind is pre-occupied with another person, I get really behind and I don't think about other things in my life ... I can't multi-task attention-giving).
Ugh, so I emailed back apologizing profusely and very sincerely, not saying anything about my being a bit annoyed that he would lay this guilt trip on me because I knew that I have not been a good friend to him. I told him that I want to talk in person instead of emailing essays of feelings/thoughts back and forth, but I haven't had luck in contacting him because he's essentially ignoring me. I told him to call me if/when he wants to talk, but I understand if he needs some time.
His email back said that he wants to chill a little bit, think things over, and maybe he'll call me Wednesday night (last night). I had to email him back and say that I'm unavailable Wednesday night because I have a meeting at 5:30, and my weekly ultimate game is at 7pm down south from here, and I don't get back until really really late. I told him that I'd be up for meeting up before 5:30 ... and I mentioned the irony that in trying to meet up to address this issue, my schedule is once again getting in the way, and I'm asking him to hang out on my schedule. I tried to put things in context (I have 600+ emails in my inbox, 5 voice mails on my phone ... I haven't replied to most of those emails, and I only called back one person) and to reassure him that when I say "I'm busy" or "That's not a good time", I'm not trying to avoid him, my schedule really is just the shits.
He never called me yesterday. I don't know what I should do here. Should I keep calling him? (at some point, I don't even want to try anymore because he obviously isn't mature enough to stop being such a passive-aggressive knucklehead). Should I just wait for him to contact me? How long is that going to take? Am I seriously losing this friend whom I've come to call my best friend at grad school?
Why can't he just understand that my schedule is really ridiculous, that I don't talk to much of anybody unless it's business, and unless I'm dating someone and can see him at night at the end of the day in the comfort of my own home, I don't see people period?
Saturday, October 7, 2006
he said it
The L word, he said it. I couldn't believe it. We were just laying around in bed all day (among other things), and he had something at 2pm, so around 1:50, he finally said he had to get out of bed, get ready, and go. But it's always so hard for us to tear ourselves apart from each other, and get out of bed (I know I'm making you gag, I know ...), so we kept hugging and kissing each other, and when we pulled back after one of the kisses to just look at each other, he blurted out "i love you."
It took me a couple of seconds to even realized what had happened; it was so unexpected. He then said "Oh my gosh, I don't know where that came from; it just came out." I kinda just stared at him with wide eyes of disbelief, and I didn't say anything back but gave him a big hug instead. I was so torn as to whether or not to say it back, but once you say something like that, you can't take it back, and I honestly didn't feel like I was ready to tell him I loved him. By the time a minute or two had gone by, it was too late for me to say anything.
He said "Wow, I can't believe I just said that; I have no idea where it came from. And I generally don't say that." I asked him, "Did you mean it?" To which he replied, "Yeah, I think so. I felt it, which is why I think I said it without really thinking." I told him that he could take it back if he wanted to, if he wasn't sure. He adamantly replied, "no no no, I don't want to take it back." And then he left to go to his thing at 2pm.
Along those lines, he's mentioned several times that he feels so differently about me, with me, than he has with any other girlfriends he's had. He told me last night that one example of that is that he's never wanted to introduce any of his girlfriends to his parents. The ones whom they've met have always just been circumstantial, never planned nor intentional. But he really wants his parents to meet me, to talk to me. He said in this really cute voice, "I want to talk to them beforehand, especially my mom, and tell her to ask you girl questions when she sees you. And my dad, I'll just tell him to ask you general questions, to get to know you."
How do I feel about all of this? I haven't thought about it all enough to know how I feel. Right now, I think he feels a lot more strongly about me than I do for him. I don't know what to do with the L word. Should I bring it up to talk about? But I don't want to have to tell him that even though I feel like we're going in that direction, I'm not quite ready to say it.
It took me a couple of seconds to even realized what had happened; it was so unexpected. He then said "Oh my gosh, I don't know where that came from; it just came out." I kinda just stared at him with wide eyes of disbelief, and I didn't say anything back but gave him a big hug instead. I was so torn as to whether or not to say it back, but once you say something like that, you can't take it back, and I honestly didn't feel like I was ready to tell him I loved him. By the time a minute or two had gone by, it was too late for me to say anything.
He said "Wow, I can't believe I just said that; I have no idea where it came from. And I generally don't say that." I asked him, "Did you mean it?" To which he replied, "Yeah, I think so. I felt it, which is why I think I said it without really thinking." I told him that he could take it back if he wanted to, if he wasn't sure. He adamantly replied, "no no no, I don't want to take it back." And then he left to go to his thing at 2pm.
Along those lines, he's mentioned several times that he feels so differently about me, with me, than he has with any other girlfriends he's had. He told me last night that one example of that is that he's never wanted to introduce any of his girlfriends to his parents. The ones whom they've met have always just been circumstantial, never planned nor intentional. But he really wants his parents to meet me, to talk to me. He said in this really cute voice, "I want to talk to them beforehand, especially my mom, and tell her to ask you girl questions when she sees you. And my dad, I'll just tell him to ask you general questions, to get to know you."
How do I feel about all of this? I haven't thought about it all enough to know how I feel. Right now, I think he feels a lot more strongly about me than I do for him. I don't know what to do with the L word. Should I bring it up to talk about? But I don't want to have to tell him that even though I feel like we're going in that direction, I'm not quite ready to say it.
Thursday, October 5, 2006
public appearances
Though I'm a little confused because we had this conversation as we were falling asleep, I think I can technically call RC my boyfriend now, which is really really strange. I also think I told him that I was commitment-phobic.
There was a coffee hour/study break thing at one of the graduate dorms last night, and they were having moon cake for the Mid-Autumn Festival celebrations. My friend HM told me about it and asked if I wanted to go with him and his girlfriend. I figured that I haven't done much Chinese things lately, so I'll go with them. RC then called to see what I'm doing, and I invited him along to the coffee hour (this is a perpetual problem for me: instead of just saying "sorry, I'm busy" I always am trying to include people and ask them along to whatever I'm doing even when I kinda really don't want to).
Because the coffee hour was at a grad dorm, I knew a lot of the people who were there just from the random stuff I do around campus, and I didn't want them to know that I was there with RC.
Bad sign.
Is this me having commitment issues? Or is RC not the one either? I figured that the reason I can't seem to settle down and I keep blowing people off is that I haven't found the right person. I try to convince myself that once I find the right person, I'll be head over heels in love and I wouldn't look at anybody else. Well, I thought I really had it in for RC. So what gives? Why don't I want to be associated with him in public?
This Friday, some of us officers who work with the graduate student government talked about going out to a lounge that I want to check out for a future party. I mentioned it to RC under the context that some friends are going out (god, why did I do that?), and invited him along (why do I keep doing this?), and he said he'd want to come (ugh). So now I kinda want to retract that offer. The other three officers are all male, and I, in general, keep my personal life separate. They believe me to be single and dating, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to upset that balance by introducing a boyfriend.
Same with everybody else. I want the attention from men, but none of the responsibilities of having a relationship.
There was a coffee hour/study break thing at one of the graduate dorms last night, and they were having moon cake for the Mid-Autumn Festival celebrations. My friend HM told me about it and asked if I wanted to go with him and his girlfriend. I figured that I haven't done much Chinese things lately, so I'll go with them. RC then called to see what I'm doing, and I invited him along to the coffee hour (this is a perpetual problem for me: instead of just saying "sorry, I'm busy" I always am trying to include people and ask them along to whatever I'm doing even when I kinda really don't want to).
Because the coffee hour was at a grad dorm, I knew a lot of the people who were there just from the random stuff I do around campus, and I didn't want them to know that I was there with RC.
Bad sign.
Is this me having commitment issues? Or is RC not the one either? I figured that the reason I can't seem to settle down and I keep blowing people off is that I haven't found the right person. I try to convince myself that once I find the right person, I'll be head over heels in love and I wouldn't look at anybody else. Well, I thought I really had it in for RC. So what gives? Why don't I want to be associated with him in public?
This Friday, some of us officers who work with the graduate student government talked about going out to a lounge that I want to check out for a future party. I mentioned it to RC under the context that some friends are going out (god, why did I do that?), and invited him along (why do I keep doing this?), and he said he'd want to come (ugh). So now I kinda want to retract that offer. The other three officers are all male, and I, in general, keep my personal life separate. They believe me to be single and dating, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to upset that balance by introducing a boyfriend.
Same with everybody else. I want the attention from men, but none of the responsibilities of having a relationship.
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