Older men

Mr. Lawyer and I met at the neighborhood coffee/ice cream shop. I'd been going there daily to write my thesis with ambient background noise and had made friends with Mr. Religious, who'd been working there scooping ice cream since last May in a mission to soul search after taking 5 years to finish divinity school but then deciding it wasn't his calling after all.

One day in our neighborhood ice cream shop, Mr. Religious introduced me to Mr. Lawyer as one of the earlier investors of the shop as well as being a hot shot local criminal lawyer who only took on ridiculously hard murder cases. Mr. Lawyer was striking in appearance definitely. Despite being mostly grey (but sexy grey in the Anderson Cooper way), he had bright blue piercing eyes, a toned physique, a firm handshake, an international man of mystery air about him.

He was clearly old and obviously rich if he had the money to be a serious investor 20 years ago. During our conversation, Mr. Lawyer kept referring back to a gorgeous black woman sitting nearby with her friend. She looked about my age, and it later became apparent that this woman was Mr. Lawyer's girlfriend. And they met 8 years ago at a gay bar a few blocks down the street.

Oh Cambridge.

Fast forward a few weeks. I'd stopped going to the ice cream shop to work for various reasons but dropped in this Monday afternoon to finish some work and to borrow their free wifi to take care of a few things online.

Mr. Lawyer came in for a cup of tea (he gets anything he wants for free anytime, a perk of being an investor I suppose) and spotted me at the central table working. We both recognized each other, so he stopped to chat. He told me about his summer travels and also his plans for getting married.

"Oh! Congratulations! I had no idea. This is the woman you introduced us to last time, right?" Leaving out any qualifiers because the only one I could think of was "the *very young* woman". But yes, it was her.

He eventually had to leave and go back to work, but first needed to speak with the owner of the shop in the back office. So we shook hands, made nice, and I said maybe we'd run into each other again at our favorite neighborhood coffee/ice cream shop.

Five minutes later, on his way out the door from the back office, he came by again and asked, "Do you like baseball?"

"Sure, I like baseball just fine."

"Would you be interested in going to a Red Sox game tomorrow?"

"Haha, sure, I'm always up for a Sox game. I'll wear my hat!"

We decided to meet up at the ice cream shop the next day and walk over to Fenway together. I rushed and got there a few minutes late, but he still wasn't there. Just as I thought I was getting stood up, Mr. Lawyer with his sexy greying hair walked in the door, all smiles.

We grabbed some tacos by Fenway before the game started, and since it was pouring rain outside, we ate the tacos at the dive bar hoping to avoid getting drenched as much as possible by the time we get to the game.

A very drunk guy came up to us while we sat eating our tacos, eyed us, and asked, "How old are you two?"

"I'm 49," said Mr. Lawyer. The guy looks to me.

"I'm 28."

"Wow, he must be reeeeally good then," the guy went on, glancing over at Mr. Lawyer, not exactly in an admiring tone. Then he turned to Mr. Lawyer and started on a rampage.

"You're sick. You're a piece of shit. You good for nothing son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing out with someone HER age. YOU are a failure." And the rampage got more crass the more he got into it. Mr. Lawyer's reaction the whole time was just to nod his head and say things like "you betcha", "you're a real winner".

I guess there wasn't much Mr. Lawyer could have said to defend himself seeing that he is soon getting married to a 30-year-old woman. The drunk finally left, but not before telling us that he gets to go home and f- his wife, who's only five years younger than him. Mr. Lawyer seemed taken aback, but handled the attack calmly and well. He is a lawyer, after all.

We left the taco place for Fenway, but by the time we got there, the game had been canceled on account of rain. Mr. Lawyer asked if I'd be up for a drink somewhere instead. Never one to turn down drinks, I said sure.

The thought crossed my mind at some point that this felt potentially not quite right. The whole episode of Mr. Lawyer asking me to the game, our meeting up and walking together to the game, the tacos beforehand, the drinks to replace the rained-out game, it all screamed DATE. Except Mr. Lawyer is grey, 49, and getting married soon... to a woman only two years older than me.

Conversation over drinks was ... great. He doesn't drink, and I only had one beer, so it wasn't the alcohol smoothing things over. Somehow my recent stalker incidents came up (a story on its own that I will have to remember to tell), and that started us down a path of talking about relationships. No, that's not true. The relationship gate was opened earlier in the evening when he asked if I had a boyfriend. Always one for keeping up calm appearances, I mentioned having ended a very serious relationship a year ago, and so now I'm not in any real rush to start a new one.

I eventually finished up my beer, and we walked back to the ice cream shop where we'd met up earlier and started to say goodbye when he interrupted.

"I don't necessarily want to end things on an awkward note, but I just want to make sure I'm honest about everything."

"Sure, what's up?"

"I'm really attracted to you, if you can't tell. And it obviously can't lead to anything because I'm getting married, and she'd castrate me."

So why bring this up? He claimed that he wanted to make sure there weren't any undertones of unknown tension when we hang out, so he wanted to get his feelings out there. But he also asked if I feel the same way, and I just didn't know how to answer that. I guess I feel the same way as I do with most guys with whom I can have a great conversation - he's nice, but there's a mental block that's preventing me from jumping his bones.

In Mr. Lawyer's case, he's 1) getting married, and 2) 49.

In Kix's case, he's overly cynical, and I don't need a repeat of Broadway (Kix is another story worth telling).

So I thanked Mr. Lawyer for speaking his mind, reiterated that I always welcome honesty and stabbing the elephant in the room (can College Ed get some lessons in this?), and that I was flattered, but avoided answering the question of how I feel.

He said that he'd love to continue hanging out (hmm), as friends (hmm), and maybe he and his fiance will have a BBQ at their place or something, and he'd love for me to come over.

Hmm.

Thanksgiving

I posted a Craigslist ad on Monday asking for a fancy dinner date on Thanksgiving. For the most part, the pretty ones wrote boring emails, and the funny ones weren't pretty. By midday Wednesday, I had it narrowed down to three guys ... but then I had a total change of heart for the cheesy.

A couple had invited me for Thanksgiving at their place, but I told them I was considering a CL date, which I think hurt them a little bit. On Wednesday, I suddenly got all emotional about the silly holiday and realized that I didn't want to waste it on a random, potentially excruciating, date. I'd rather spend it close to friends, and my couple friend were happy and told me they were really glad with my decision :)

As for the CL men, I promptly asked each of them if we could reschedule for drinks sometime over this coming weekend. All three agreed, so this might be a fun-filled weekend after all, or at the very least, a story-filled weekend.

In other news, Special Friend made me pretty mad yesterday. A big group of us partied at his house last night, but he flirted with this other girl the whole time. I realize that there's nothing concrete between us and that he has every right to flirt with other people (I mean, hell, I'm going on dates myself), but doing it in my presence is a pretty dickish move.

I kept my own flirting under control, even with another guy at the party who was obviously trying to flirt with me. I'd always move away or pull someone else into the conversation. Special Friend needs to have the same level of respect for me and not talk with another girl for two hours off in a corner by themselves.

At one point, he and his roommate decided to go to 7-11 for some snack refills. He loudly asked the whole room, while glancing at me, "Does anyone want to come with us to 7-11?"

I don't play this game. If he wants me to go with him to 7-11, he needs to ask me directly. I'm not going to bite on his passive aggressive question, posed to the whole room, hoping that I would somehow rise to the challenge.

Of course, the girl whom he'd been flirting with pipes up and says that she wants to go to 7-11. That made me want to go even less. I don't play his passive aggressive question-asking game, and I definitely don't play the fighting-for-territory game. If she wants to throw herself at him, be my guest. I'm not tagging along to fight her for my share of his attention.

I secretly smirked at the disappointed and slightly awkward look on his face when she volunteered to go. I grabbed another beer and sat back down on the couch, smug.

He asked the room again, "Does anyone else want to come?" I went on drinking and talking and ignored his question.

Eventually he came over to me and asked, "Hey, do you want to come to 7-11?" I played hard to get and claimed that it was cold outside, and I couldn't find my jacket. His SISTER, overhearing me say this, piped up, "Oh, you can borrow my jacket!"

Special Friend saw the bone that his sister threw him, snatched the jacket, threw it on me and out the door we went. It was indeed cold, so he grabbed my hand with his and put both our hands in his jacket pocket as we walked. This would normally be completely adorable, but there, 5 steps in front of us, was the girl he'd been flirting with the whole night.

I guess I won in the end - he picked me over this random girl - and I won without ever fighting. Hell, his SISTER picked me over this other girl. But the win didn't feel glorious. I'm still mad that he would overtly flirt with other women in my presence. Either he's completely oblivious to my feelings, or he's trying to play games and get me jealous.

Both are not cool, and I'm not playing.

In which there is a whirlwind of men

I went crazy this week, and I might now be done (full disclosure post ahead). I had two nights of heavy drinking, hooked up with two different men, regretted one, and suffered two days of hangovers.

Thursday night started with karaoke with a group of friends, including Special Friend, and ended with Special Friend naked in my bed. We didn't hit the homer but was well past third base. I now think back on the experience with fond memories, but we were both very stoned at the time, fumbled around a lot, and were both very paranoid that the other person was not comfortable. The next day, Friday, I asked if we could talk. He readily agreed, and we had a nice adult conversation about the whole thing. We laughed and agreed that we were actually both very comfortable with how things went, and that the paranoia came purely from being stoned.

He is however, worried about me rebounding, but since neither one of us have concrete expectations, we decided to just see how things go.

Friday night started with one of my labmates inviting me to go clubbing with him and a couple of buddies. Excited, I got all dolled up and met up with everyone downtown. Next thing I knew, Labmate and I were pounding drinks, grinding on the dance floor, rushing out the club to grab a cab ... and then I don't remember anything until I discovered myself naked in his bed with my clothes strung all over his floor. Still drunk, we had sex, which honestly was pretty disgusting. He wanted me to spend the night, but I had sobered up significantly by this point and preferred to wake up in my own bed. He insisted on walking me home, which was pretty sweet in retrospect. In front of my place, I realized that I had no inkling of attraction to him and couldn't even bring myself to kiss him good night.

Saturday night, I went on an actual date for an LTR (long-term relationship). I knew within 5 minutes of sitting down to dinner that I had no interest in the guy and was highly annoyed by his personality ... and he had theater tickets for after dinner so I was in for at least 3 more hours. He ordered a drink, but I stuck to my water, explaining that he caught me on a bad day as I was still nursing a hangover. He laughingly joked that the best way to cure a hangover was to drink more, and I laughed along. I realized he was serious when he called the server over to order me a Bud Light. A bit annoyed, but wanting to stay polite, I intercepted and ordered myself a hefeweisen.

When asked me what I planned to eat, I replied "fish and chips" - my favorite dish at the pub that we went to. He insisted that I simply could not get the fish and chips, and that I should save the fish and chips for when we go see a movie. I stared at him blankly, honestly a bit shocked, but trying to decide if this was also a joke (he giggled the whole time). He then very condescendingly said (though I'm sure he saw it as being a generous gentlemen) that I needn't worry about the *cost* of my dish since this dinner was on him, implying that I had ordered fish and chips because it was cheap (it wasn't, it was $14, kind of a ripoff actually for fish & chips at a pub).

Realizing this wasn't a joke, I remained cordial but firm, saying that I wasn't trying to be polite - I really do very much love the fish and chips at this restaurant. He wouldn't have any of it and proceeded to argue that if I insisted on ordering the fish and chips, he would have to take matters into his own hands and pick something for me. He then ordered me a meat-heavy entree consisting of every kind of meat imaginable grilled, the last thing that I wanted. I ate very little of my plate (too heavy, exactly what my hungover head did NOT need) and silently fumed through the entire dinner, lamenting the fact that I would have really liked to have been eating fish & chips instead.

I eventually finagled my way out of the second half of the play (he had lost interest by then as well) and met up with a friend working at a coffee shop to gripe. Special Friend was working late but finishing around this time too, so I made plans to leave the coffee shop and head his way, maybe grab a beer together. By the time we met up around 11:30, we both preferred something even more chill and just took a brisk walk around the neighborhood. Dropping me off at my place, he gave me a delicious good-night kiss. There is potential indeed in this Special Friend.

I also had a couple of other "dates" with guys who responded to a CL post I made asking for no-strings-attached (NSA) fun ranging from making out to whatever we felt comfortable with. I had lunch with one of the guys, who was a decently nice and normal person but completely not my type. I made coffee plans with another, but was honestly rather exhausted by men at this point, so I canceled it.

I suppose this was the whirlwind of singledom that I wanted, expected, and felt constrained from by HB, Broadway, and whatever other serious relationship. But, it's honestly not that fun. I really regret having sex with my labmate, beyond just the fact that he is my labmate and we have to see each other in lab every day. (To his credit, he came by to say hi to me today and really tried hard to made it as normal as it could be considering.)

There was no connection or attraction to Labmate (at least not on my end, he claimed that he'd always been attracted to me from the day he joined our lab 4 years ago). I love making out with guys, and I didn't even want to kiss him. Sex for the sake of sex was not the fun and liberating experience that I fantasized it being. It wasn't fun at all, and I regretted it the next day.

My conclusion is that meaningless hookups just don't cut it for me. The thought of having a stranger in my bed is extremely riveting and exciting, but actually having a stranger in my bed is disgusting.

That's a good realization to have, that sometimes fantasies are just fantasies. Trying to bring fantasies alive doesn't always work because reality gets in the way, and my reality is that I don't really want to sleep with a lot of people. So going forward, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe I'll still try CL every now and then (low commitment, easy), but posts for casual drinks and flirting with no path/expectations for more, emotionally or physically.

The night with Labmate was also the first time I've ever blacked out from drinking, not able to remember whole chunks of the night. I don't want that to happen again. I enjoy a bit to drink, and it is fun, but I need to be more aware and have more self-control about knowing when to stop. I highly doubt I would have gone home with Labmate if I were cognizant of my surroundings.

As for HB and Broadway, I'm starting to get the clarity that I've been seeking, but I'll save that for another post.

In which things get better, then much worse

Chicago was magical. HB and I completely reconnected and found again in each other the joys of the strong mutual attraction that brought us together in the first place. There is just a naturalness between us that I've never felt before with anyone else. In person, we joke and laugh and can talk about anything. We're essentially the nauseating couple you want to punch because they are so nauseatingly in tune with each other.

His family was fantastic as well. I was worried about meeting them in the context of everything between him and me, but I had no need. I usually do really well with families, and his was no exception. His mother is a bit kooky, but I could appreciate her in the short interactions I had with her. I loved his dad, who is such a jolly old man in love with computers. We definitely connected over some nerdy talk about our shared dislike of C++, and he could truly appreciate my passion for hardware design over software development. HB has two older half sisters who are around 40, and a younger sister who is my age. His younger sister is my favorite, and I felt she and I connected the most, but I got along with all of his sisters. I could envision a future in which they would be my sisters too, and everything felt right.

And I wanted all the things that felt right. So I left Chicago asking HB to give us another shot. He was tired and exhausted, feeling like he was always trying so hard to keep me interested in him and engaged with this relationship with less-than-successful results. He was dubious why this time would be any different but did agree to try again.

A couple of beautiful happy weeks go by, during which he found a job in Chicago. We were so excited, and it felt like this long and hard road is finally coming to an end. He gave his notice at his current job, with his last day being mid-November, and booked flights to leave China permanently by Thanksgiving.

Then things started to get worse.

My birthday was last week, and Broadway surprised me with my favorite cake, tiramisu from a fancy dessert place. He left it for me in my office fridge, but not before taking a bite out of it first. When I saw it the morning of my birthday, I broke down in tears and cried in the bathroom for 15 minutes. I still care about him so much, and I kept asking myself why I can't just be happy with what I had. Why did I need to go and make things so complicated? Broadway loved me so much and made me feel so special. Why did I have to be so stubborn and selfish?

That got me thinking a lot about what I want in a partner. I know that I won't find someone who is 100% perfect--that's simply impossible. So I will find someone who is 80% perfect, and whose 20% incompatibilities with me aren't a big deal. They're things that I would be okay with, and put another way, I'd be willing to settle on those 20%.

Broadway's 20% are completely different from HB's 20%. In fact, Broadway's 20% are a part of HB's 80%, and vice versa. If I could combine Broadway and HB, I would have a 100% perfect man. But individually, whose 80% is better? Whose 20% is worse? I couldn't answer that question, and that really shook my resolve to be with HB.

In parallel, I've been having this "thing" with a guy in my new friend group for a while now. We first met back in June (well, remet... I mentioned him briefly in this entry). We'll call him my Special Friend. Special Friend and I flirt, a lot, but nothing has ever progressed beyond flirting. I think we both welcome the attention, and on occasion, at the end of late night drinking sessions with the friend group, he and I will hold hands or have our arms around each other. While sober though, we've gotten lunch a few times, but they're always within the bounds of a friendship, and we never talk about the times when we are drunk.

Even without HB in the picture, I'm not sure I would pursue anything with Special Friend beyond flirting. He doesn't know about HB and so wouldn't know I am technically off-limits, and yet he has not made any moves, so I feel that he feels the same way: fun to flirt, but not enough interest to take it further. HB is insanely jealous of Special Friend (no surprise), but I always tell HB when I plan to hang out with Special Friend. Aside from our occasional lunches, Special Friend and I never hang out on our own.

A couple of weeks back, I found myself one of the last 2 people left at his house following a night of drinking. The other girl got up to leave, and I followed, except she left rather quickly, and I couldn't get my jacket and shoes on in time before she was already out the door. Now alone with Special Friend, who was drunk, he stood between me and the front door and tried to kiss me. I definitely wanted to kiss him back, but I was sober and knew better and resisted the urge. He said some nice and sweet things about me and told me that if ever I want a nice guy to hang out with, he'll be just down the street (we live just a few blocks apart).

The next tday, I nervously told HB that Special Friend asked me out (not mentioning his having tried to kiss me), and HB was happy that I turned him down. He was however, very unhappy that I wasn't able to tell Special Friend that I have a boyfriend. "Thank you for the interest, but I have a boyfriend." Yet it was something I was unable to bring myself to say, to admit that I was attached and take away future flirting chances with Special Friend.

Last night, Special Friend's friend circle (which overlaps with mine) planned a huge apartment crawl for Halloween, ending up at Special Friend's house. I found myself in the exact same situation again, one of the last two people remaining at the house at 3am. Except this time I was drunk. The other person got up to leave, and I followed. He left in a hurry, and I couldn't catch up and it became just Special Friend and me, alone. He stopped me at the top of the stairs leading to his front door, leaned in and kissed me.

Not being sober, I didn't have enough resolve to pull away. We made out for a long time, and he asked me to stay over. I did have enough sense to leave at that point, came home, drank some water and went to sleep. The full implications of what I had done hit me when I woke up this morning and realized that I, once again, cheated on my boyfriend.

I didn't want to tell HB, so instead, I broke up with him. It hurt to have that conversation, but he said he saw it coming. He's felt my aloofness all through the last couple of weeks. I told him that our being together was always a battle for me as I fought against my desires to be single and out flirting with other guys like Special Friend. He said that he knew I was always fighting that, and he's honestly a little tired of fighting for me and being nervous wondering about what might happen every time I hang out with Special Friend.

I haven't had enough time to process this breakup yet. I think I will be happier, just from the lack of obligations and constraints associated with being in a relationship. But I am devastated about HB and me. He has so many great qualities, and I've never felt as comfortable with anyone as I do with him. That will be so hard to find. He's finally moving back to Chicago, where we'll get to see each other so much more than we do now. I feel like I'm throwing something away right at the moment when it will start to get great. And I'm throwing it away because it's easier to break up with HB than it is to tell him I made out with another guy.

Oy.

well it's not over

Teammate has completely gone off the deep end with her stuff, getting extremely mad at Work Women for not accommodating her needs. I don't really understand, so I am in general staying out of things. But then today, I happen to look on Teammate's Facebook page, and it is full of negative, nasty, angry rants toward Work Women. I feel these are wholly unjustified, so maybe I am taking sides. Ugh.

In other news, I went to a party last night with some Friendly Frisbee People. FFP should totally be an acronym. I saw some folks I hadn't seen in a while, and met some new people. Mostly, I chatted with this guy who I played on the same team with earlier this summer at a beach tournament. He was pretty quiet, but super nice at the tournament. At the party, the told me a tons more about himself, and it was all very interesting. I left thinking maybe he would be interested in me.

Today, I got the below email from him:

Hi Seine,

I'm glad we got to hang out at the party last night. I'd suspected you might be kinda awesome. I'd definitely like to get together with you sometime soon, but this week promised to be just shy of full-tilt manic ....

...

I noticed on Facespace (by coincidence) that you're away this weekend. Can I promise to give you a call later this week, when you have a phone*, so we can make plans?

And now I feel trapped again by HB. This was the feeling I had before. I feel like I wasn't ready to give up my single life yet, and committing to him forced me to do so. At some point a couple of weeks ago, I wanted to write in here and exclaim, "REMEMBER WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!! I WANT TO BE WITH HB FOREVER!!"

But obviously, I never got around to writing it. And it's unclear how much that would have actually helped me. I definitely feel more trapped today than I do most days, and maybe it's the temptations offered by this innocent email of simple attraction from a not-unattractive male.

*yes, I lost my phone this past week and in the process of procuring a new one.

gaaaa

I'm kinda sick of writing about HB and Broadway and relationships. HB and I did get back together, about 1.5 days after we broke up. I don't even know why we broke up. though the reasons I wrote last week for breaking up haven't changed for the most part. They just don't really seem that big of a deal and possibly exacerbated by distance. He has been working his way productively through those two issues, though, which is good. Bleh, may write more later.

Broadway made some huge steps this week. He disauthorized me on his Google Calendar. He blocked me on Gchat. And he left Facebook altogether. Of course I'm sad, but I'm also glad to see him making progress, and if that's what he needs to do, that's what he needs to do.

Other life issues have been consuming me in the meantime. This crazy drama came up involving an older woman whom I work with and a frisbee teammate of mine. The woman and her husband (both in their 50s) own a house in Providence, but both hold jobs in Boston. It's two 1-hour commutes a day from Providence to Boston, oftentimes 1.5-hours with all the heavy traffic, and they finally got sick of it and wanted to rent a room in/around Boston to stay in during the week. My 30-year-old frisbee teammate happened to have a room open up in her house, so I connected them, and everyone got along, and this woman and her husband became my teammate's new roommates. They've now been roommates for about 6 months.

I should say that I love everyone involved in this situation. I love my teammate, though she has serious emotional and self-image issues, and I absolutely love love love the woman whom I work with. I've only met her husband a handful of times, but he always seemed like a good guy, and they seemed to have a great relationship.

Last week, while Work Woman was traveling for work, her husband decided to have a heart-to-heart with my Frisbee Teammate. He told Frisbee Teammate that he's attracted to her and wondered if she had the same feelings for him. She told him no, and that was basically the extent of the conversation. I saw Frisbee Teammate the next evening at our twice-a-week evening game, and she couldn't stop crying as she told me the story of what had happened. She is completely creeped out, she feels threatened, she had anxiety attacks all day, and she is afraid to go home.

I empathized with her feelings and offered her my place to crash (which she turned down), and supported her decision to ask Husband and Work Woman to move out. Frisbee Teammate sent a very angry email to Husband requesting this and basically chewed him out for having done this to her. She feels very wronged and victimized in the situation and told him so.

Husband agreed to all of Teammate's requests, is moving out and also paying an extra months' rent so that Teammate has ample time to find someone else to fill the empty room. In addition, he told Work Woman what had happened, and they are now going to therapy to work on their relationship.

I definitely felt a bit lost, caught in some kind of weird triangle. Teammate confided in me, but it also involves Work Woman, whom I work closely with and absolutely adore. I felt wrong that I knew all these details of something that's obviously very private between Work Woman and her Husband and at first wasn't sure how to approach it. I finally went up to Work Woman on Monday to give her a hug, and she broke down a little, and we talked about how hurt she was and how much she doesn't understand why this happened. She said that Husband was horrifyingly embarrassed and claims that he has learned his lesson and knows that he made a HUGE mistake in approaching Teammate about this instead of talking to his wife.

As this week progressed, Work Woman in trying to better understand her husband's actions, asked Teammate for her side of the story, just to make sure everything lines up with what Husband had told Work Woman. Teammate's response was that she does not feel comfortable talking about it and telling Work Woman everything, especially now that Work Woman is obviously staying with Husband and trying to make their marriage last. Teammate also told Work Woman that she doesn't understand why Work Woman would want to stay with Husband after all of this, to give him another chance, and to try to preserve their 15-year marriage.

As I mentioned, Teammate has some serious emotional and self-image issues, many of them related to her disastrous history with men and relationships. Her response to this situation was definitely an over-reaction. I'm not saying she shouldn't be upset, but her feelings of victimization are a bit extreme. She does not want to talk to or see Husband or to have him ever step foot in her house (not surprising), and she also insists that Husband could not have possibly told Work Woman everything (not surprising given her general distrust of men, but is essentially paranoia). This of course made Work Woman question her husband's integrity and honesty. She wondered if a lot more happened (like did he try to touch Teammate, did he actually proposition something), and if Husband was still keeping things from her.

On top of this, Teammate sent a really nasty email to Work Woman (bcc'ing me, why??) with requests such as: "You need to move all of your stuff out of the room Saturday night because that's the only night when I won't be there." I felt deeply sorry for Work Woman after reading the email. Teammate's harsh email was a bit uncalled for, but not surprising given her general fragile emotional state. But it just further adds distrust and stress to Work Woman whose Husband did something very very stupid, but did not ultimately break the sanctity of their marriage in any way.

Work Woman asked me today if I would listen to her and what Husband told her and let her know if there were discrepancies with Teammate's story. I did, and Husband did indeed tell her everything. Like I guessed, Work Woman was very concerned with Teammate's discomfort at telling her side of the story. That indeed led Work Woman to further question whether or not Husband told her the whole truth.

On the other hand, Work Woman very intuitively wondered how much of Teammate's reaction to the whole situation from beginning to end was a result of Teammate's past, and how much of it was actually in response to what Husband said to Teammate. I assured Work Woman that a majority of Teammate's reaction stems from Teammate's chaotic history with men, and that her reaction is a bit of a disconnect from what actually happened. I believe that Husband has told Work Woman everything, and I told her I am glad that they were working on healing their relationship. They obviously have some problems they need to work out in their relationship, but they love each other, and this situation has forced them them to take a look at those problems so they can be better together. And that is a good thing, as unfortunate as the situation was that led to this evaluation.

I hope this saga for me has finally come to an end. I still feel for Teammate, but I find it hard to counsel Teammate in any way. She does not take advice well and has very different ideas about men than I do. I'm not sure there is anything that I can do for her except to listen, which I have done so far. I don't share her distrust for men, and sometimes it feels like she just wants to wallow in her own negative thoughts and wants someone to provide redemption that her hatred of men is warranted and rational. I don't share that view, and it's especially hard because I feel that she is in denial about her own prejudices against men.

As for Work Woman, I feel so much better that she feels better after our conversation today, and I do think we relate to each other well. In the end, I am really glad that I could be there for Work Woman because I know Teammate so well and can help explain some of the reasoning behind Teammate's actions and let Work Woman know that most of it has nothing to do with Husband but rather an entire line of men in Teammate's past who has hurt her and deceived her and done who knows what else to her.

Whew. Putting this behind me now.

Well, that didn't last long

HB's visit to Boston was phenomenal, so fantastic that I didn't have time to write because I wanted to spend every minute with him. While he was here, we also decided to give us a shot. Yes, we defined the relationship. He became my man (which I think sounds better than boyfriend), and I became his girl(friend).

Unfortunately, all that shimmers in this world is sure to go away. So on August 2nd, HB flew back to Beijing. At first, things were still going well. Then he became consumed by the idea of moving back to the US and the accompanying job search process. Then I became a ball of panic regarding my grad school situation and just when exactly I'll be able to graduate.

All of this came to a head yesterday. And we broke up.

My reasoning was that we were not the right influences for each other. I have a hard time motivating myself and want a partner who can help to provide me with motivation, and/or talk me into having more internal motivation. I felt that HB wasn't that person and thus not providing the support that I really need right now. With him then being 7000 miles away, it seemed pointless to pursue a relationship. I'm not getting anything out of it, and he's not close enough to hold me and f- me to make it worthwhile.

He on the other hand feels just as lost as I am in terms of looking for a job that would be along the lines of his current career trajectory. On top of that, he came to realize a couple of things about himself that are very big issues that he needs to work out. The potential conclusion from his working out these issues could very well be that I am no longer the right person for him. I don't know if I can stick around to help him through these issues providing all the support that I can, only to have him tell me in the end that he can't be with me.

These issues, by the way, are completely out of my control. Issue #1 is with his mother, feeling that she's always let him down his whole life. Issue #2 is with his sexuality, feeling that he might be gay or bisexual. Bisexual I can deal with. Gay is obviously a dealbreaker.

So we're done. We're through. Exactly a month after we officially started dating (July 17), we broke up. Maybe this isn't forever, and maybe we've become one of those troubled couples who go through multiple cycles of breaking up and getting back together ... but that doesn't seem all that healthy, does it?

Either way, that's it. I'm back to being single. I miss him, a lot, but I don't cry about HB the way that I cried about Broadway. Maybe that's because I've known Broadway for so much longer.

My next goal is to soul search. Find the values that are core to my needs as a woman and core to my needs in a partner. I'm not ruling out that HB can be that partner (yes, I do think we will get back together), but I need to know what I want in a partner without a current partner whose very status as my partner jeopardizes my objectivity.

Grrrr, sometimes I do wish I weren't such a nerdy engineer. Love isn't so objective and logical after all. If only I could not over-analyze everything.

the monthly update

As if my life weren't already complicated enough, I just threw in a whole bunch of additional factors this week. The rational, cautious side of me is freaking out. The go-with-the-flow side of me doesn't know what the big deal is: I should just go with the flow.

Broadway and I have been broken up for about a month. I completely moved out 3 weeks ago. I have absolutely loved the independence. But I think about Broadway a lot. I think about all the wrong that I did him, all the pain that I've inflicted on him, and I wish so badly that I could tell him any minute now that I've thought things over and decided that he is the love of my life, now that I've had some time and space to be myself, I've come to realize how big of a mistake it was to push him out of my life.

But I can't say that. And that makes me cry. I miss him, I really do. Most of the time, I can rationalize it away and convince myself that missing him is all a part of any grieving process following a breakup. We were together for more than three years. He came to be a central part of my life, my rock, my partner. I couldn't imagine writing an important email to my advisor/boss/coworker/friend without having him read it, and now I have to write all my emails on my own. He was my best friend, someone I'd go to for advice, someone I'd want to hold me and kiss me and smooth out my hair when I was upset. Someone I would laugh with uninhibitedly. Someone who knew all my faults and insecurities and knew when I was letting them dictate my actions or inactions.

And now I am alone again in this world. Of course I would cry.

But then at times like last week, I feel yet again that I can't live without him. The impulsive side of me wanted to call him to get lunch/coffee/dinner so that we can start dating again and starting fresh. The rational side of me rightfully controlled that urge, and this week I am back to just missing him. Missing him but knowing (for now) that breaking up was the right decision.

HB and I have had our difficulties as well. He wants things. He expects things. He was ecstatic that I am now available and has said all along that he would want to give things between us a shot if/when I become available. Knowing that helped push me through the breakup with Broadway. I think I would have stayed with Broadway otherwise, out of comfort and familiarity.

Now that I am single (it feels weird to say), I find it really hard to start something new with HB. Firstly, it wouldn't be new. We've had so much tumultuous history already, and the foundations of our relationship aren't exactly based on trust and fidelity. Small things about him bother me (yes, it's already gotten to that point), and I find that I don't respect him. Well, that's not true. I respect him as a general person, but I don't respect his intelligence.

Last week when I was impulsively wanting to go back to Broadway, I impulsively wanted to tell HB that we should stop talking to each other. That if it were meant to be, it will happen in the future. Besides, he's in Beijing right now some 7000 miles and 12-hour time difference away.

It made sense at the time: I need space from my previous relationship; I need time to myself; I need to be single and independent and go out and have fun. And with Broadway no longer in the picture, HB's become the new Broadway holding me back from some hypothetical glamorous lifestyle that I would for sure be leading if I didn't feel some connection/guilt to some man halfway around the world.

Besides, my parents already don't like him. My impulsive and irrational mother has already forbade me to pursue anything with "that man in Beijing." Broadway may not have been all that realistic in his lofty ambitions of becoming an Ivy League professor (I always doubted that he would achieve this, which never was very healthy), but at least he was good on paper: Ivy League undergrad, MIT PhD. HB has a psych degree from a small midwestern liberal arts college. I've heard of it, but my parents undoubtedly have not. He has no advanced degrees to speak of (nor any desire for any) and has essentially been puttering around China the last seven years teaching English, worked for an NGOs, and now holds a job (albeit a good one by Asian standards) that only exists for white people in Asia.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't compare HB's paper credentials to Broadway or that the serious differential doesn't bother me. It does, but I think on my own, I can get over it. I'm more worried about my superficial Asian parents.

That aside, HB does add stress to my life right now, which is why I want to cut him out of it. I've made it very clear to him that I am in no position to commit to him right now, and I don't know when I will be able to. He's made it abundantly clear that I am what he wants right now, and he is willing to move back to the States as early as December to make it happen. But even then, he would move back to Chicago (where his family is). While Chicago is much better than Beijing, it's still long-distance. Do I really want to start a relationship long-distance?

Do I really want to start a relationship with HB?

The sex is phenomenal. But a relationship? I don't know.

The additional complication is that I met a couple of new guys this past weekend. Well, one isn't completely new. We have some mutual friends and have met before, but we reconnected when our friend circles collided this weekend. He got my number. He invited a bunch of people to his place Saturday to watch the USA/Ghana game, and we hung out a bunch. We're going to get lunch, just him and me, on Thursday. I feel guilty with regards to HB, and I haven't decided whether or not to tell him.

The second guy was more random: a friend of a friend who happened to be having birthday celebrations at the same bar my friends and I were at. I'm not remotely interested, but somehow got cornered into giving him my phone number. I did tell HB about this and asked for his advice, as a guy, for how a girl should/can get out of giving her phone number graciously.

This conversation made him emotional, and he flipped out a bit thinking about my going out to bars and flirting with guys and giving out my phone numbers. He rightly caught himself, realizing that he was in no place to get jealous about what I was or wasn't doing with other men because he's not my anything.

HB's sister is getting married in Chicago in October. He asked me to go with him a while back, and not knowing any better, I said I would. But I think that is somewhat in limbo right now.

I do want to write in here more often, more frankly. If nothing else, I would have something to go back and read a year from now.

dismantling my life

I am back in Boston, and it's a mess.

Broadway and I are on the verge of breaking up. We are seeing a couples therapist, but my heart isn't really in it. I am moving out in about three weeks, and he slept at a friend's last night.

How did we get here? Let's go back to the HIM in Beijing. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and he couldn't stop thinking about me. The mutual attraction was too much, and we both stayed away as much as we could stand (probably not as much as we should have).

About mid-March, Broadway got the first hint that something wasn't quite right when I told him that I wanted to extend my stay in Beijing for a couple of weeks. What's a couple of weeks, I argued? I was partially motivated by wanting to spend more time with HIM, but told Broadway I just wanted more time in Beijing. In mid-April, I broke the news to Broadway that I was getting cold feet about our getting married, but that we should wait until I get back to Boston to talk more and evaluate.

Meanwhile in Beijing, HE and I made out toward the end of February against our better judgment. A few weeks later, we made out in his bed, in our underwear, against our better judgment. A few weeks after that, a group of us (8 people total, I think) took a trip together, and HE and I shared a fancy hotel room where we just barely missed home plate. Two weeks after that, in mid-April after I told Broadway I was getting cold feet, HE and I slept together.

Then we continued to sleep together all the way until I left for Boston on April 28. We kept count, and fudging a little, we got to 30. 28 with no fudging, but we were shooting for 30 as a birthday present for his 30th.

I didn't tell Broadway right away after getting back, but sort of "let" him discover it (left my computer on during chat with HIM, with Broadway next to me, while I went to the bathroom). Of course Broadway wanted to know who this man was who was calling me "baby" over gchat.

Broadway was angry, hurt, but surprisingly didn't leave. After calming down a bit, he wanted to stay and work things out. That's when we started seeing the therapist, because Broadway wanted me to honestly give things one last shot. We then communicated more honestly than we probably have at any point in our relationship. A lot of hurtful things we may have wanted to say at one point or another came out that we previously held back on, and I think we both understand our relationship a lot better.

So where are we now? We are still seeing the therapist, but we talk so much in between our weekly sessions that the therapist just constantly plays catch-up. I am moving out, and I think that's where Broadway and I see the hard cut off to our relationship.

As for HIM in Beijing (HB?), we emailed, IMed, and talked on the phone a bunch when I first got back, but realized soon that it was unhealthy for both of us and thus agreed on no communications until I figured out all my sh*t with Broadway. HB told me before we cut everything off that once I figured out everything, and if that decision puts me in a position that I am available, he would want to give things between us a shot.

HB also named a caveat to the no-communication rule, that he wanted to hear my voice on his birthday, tomorrow. Otherwise, he wanted me to only call him when I've reached a decision and conclusion about Broadway, whether that was to leave Broadway or that I would stay to try to make things work.

I made the decision to move out last week and found an apartment quickly through a good friend. I thought I could wait until HB's birthday to call and tell him the good news, but I broke down and called him today, a day early.

I have to say that my head is a mess right now, that I am very conflicted about a lot of different things.

It's a very long road ahead.

weird dreams

Dream #1, two nights ago

I'm lying in bed with my roommate. (My roommate is male, American, white, 5'7"ish, nice average-looking guy) We're being affectionate and snuggling, and he keeps leaning in close to kiss me on the lips. I always turn away so that he gets the cheek. Finally I give in, and we make out. He's a good kisser, but I keep thinking of what to say to Broadway. I also keep pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming this, and am disappointed when I realize that I am fully awake and not dreaming (ironic, since it was a dream after all). I wanted it to be a dream so that I wouldn't have actually done anything to have to confess to Broadway.

Dream #2, last night

I'm back to college at a reunion of sorts with a group of close college buddies, including the Ex and his now wife. Broadway did not come with me. In the afternoon, with everyone else gone somewhere else, the Ex and I start talking to each other, and it's a very frank and intimate conversation about our relationship, where we've been, and where we are now. He said that he and I had a better relationship than he and current wife. This completely surprised me because I assumed our relationship would pale in comparison with his current one, and it made me mad because I couldn't understand why he would marry her after just a couple of years of dating if he doesn't even love her that much.

This confession brings us closer, and we end up snuggling in bed, naked, but in the giant hotel suite that our group all got together. Someone comes back to the suite and catches us laying together naked and I jump out of bed covering myself with a sheet. His wife comes back too and realizes what happened and storms back to their room crying. He and I look at each other, and I ask, "That's bad, huh? Does she know who I am?" And he says that she definitely knows me, and that I've always been a contentious part of their relationship.

He then leaves to go console her, leaving me to wonder what I should say to Broadway.

I don't know what these dreams mean. Am I lonely? Am I horny? Do I just want someone to snuggle in bed with?

Does this mean that I'm still somehow holding out hope for the Ex? I really don't think I am. What does this say about how I feel about Broadway?

In both dreams, I had the same feeling of dread, guilt, disappointment of "wow, I can't believe I did that, what do I tell Broadway now?"

It's definitely in line with my daydreams about being with other men. I love Broadway to no end. He provides me with all the care that I want and need and would do anything for me, but he's not particularly passionate. Or rather, I'm not particularly passionate about him in bed. We have so much emotional connection, but only minimal physical connection. I fantasize a lot but of course never act on the fantasies because I know how much that would ruin Broadway.

I sometimes fantasize about having an open relationship where we're both free to physically explore with other people but come home and have each other at the end of the day. I don't think I will care that much about the girls he explores with, and part of that is because I know he probably won't see that many other women, if any, whereas I would definitely have fun with a bunch of men.

So I don't know what those dreams mean. I am not attracted to my roommate in the least bit, and I definitely think I am completely over the Ex. And I don't want to hurt Broadway anymore.

ugh disgusted

I wrote this my second week in Beijing but forgot to post it. So keep in mind that when I say "Friday," I really mean Friday-three-weeks-ago.

------------
Friday, I got an email from this guy asking if I wanted to get some drinks with him and some friends. I met him last Tuesday at our college's young alumni mixer event. There were five or six of us at the event who live in the same neighborhood, including him and me, so we exchanged emails to stay in touch. Several group emails went around, and off of those, he replied to me to ask about Friday night drinks. I found it a bit strange that he would single me out, but I didn't think too much of it.

When I first met him at the alumni mixer, he was there very obviously with a Chinese girl. He held her coat out for her, talked to her closely, basically looked like he was dating her. I am indeed heeding Broadway's repeated advice to be more skeptical of boys' motives and generally assume they are evil, but when someone like this guy has a girlfriend already, I am definitely not as on-guard.

So Friday night, I met up with him and his (male) friend around 10:30. Looking back, I should have realized fairly early on that he was trying to hit on me. But in typical friendly fashion, I denied it and chalked it all up to "just friends going out together." (Broadway would gester wildly at my utter lack of awareness right about now).

To make a long story short, I was completely annoyed by the end of the night at this guy's ridiculous attitude, repeated antics, and multiple ill-concealed ploys to get in my pants. Several things happened:

1) Several random girls came up to his friend to talk to him at the bars, but no one came up to him. He turned to me several times to say something along the lines of "You're the only one who I'm paying attention to, and look how scared these girls are of you." Oh puhlease. He's just upset that he's not getting as much attention as he usually does as a tall white guy at a Chinese bar.

2) He obviously thinks he is a total hunk and God's gift to women and acts like the stereotypical (and despicable) fearless foreigner-in-China. Whenever he introduces himself to women, he says, "Hi, I'm Blah, the good-looking one." Every single time, without fail, and you know that he is only half joking. This arrogant attitude persisted throughout the night. He bragged about his muscles (again, only half jokingly), and make me feel his flexed arms as a (half) joke. Ugh ugh ugh, puhlease.

3) At one point Friday night, our ages came up. I said that I already gave him clues to my age since I told him I graduated in 2004. He did some mental math and asked, "27?" I nodded and then asked how old he was. His friend offered, "Didn't you graduate in 2006?" To which he answered, "Well technically 2005. It's complicated, I'll tell you later." Going off of 2005, I asked if he was 26, and he nodded.

So, why is it complicated which year he graduated in? Turns out, thanks to Facebook the next morning, he is only 23 and graduated in 2007. I never thought I would actually meet one of those young guys who lie about their ages to older women in bars. That's absolutely disgusting that he would claim to be 26 just so he would appear more attractive to me. (It's also an sad indicator that I am old. Sigh)

At the end of the night, he insisted that we all take a cab back together. I'm hesitant, and he is very insistent. Okay sure whatever, we are going in the same direction. In the cab, I give the driver directions and ask him to drop me off first. He immediately corrects the driver, "Oh, we all live very close together. Just drop us all off at this-this-this address."

Then to me, he says, "We're going to watch a movie at our place. You should come up."

Uhh ... Puhlease. NO THANKS. At this point, I'm so pissed that he re-directed the driver to drop us all off at his apartment. We do live fairly close to each other, so the cab had already passed mine so it was too late to get dropped off first.

I snickered at the suggestion of a movie and said, "No thanks, I'll just walk home."

After the cab dropped us off, his friend wanted to go to the 7-11 to get a snack. It's on the way to my place, so he then decided to come along since we're all walking, and I think to myself, "When will this guy ever go away and this night be over????"

When we get to the 7-11, his friend veered off, and I kept walking to go home. HE FOLLOWED ME. WHAT????? He claimed he wants to walk me home.

Really? I was so incredibly skeptical of anything he said at this point and swore that he was trying to walk me home to create an opportunity for me to ask him to come up to my apartment.

Seriously, where did this guy come from? He is so full of himself.

Fine, if he wants to walk the extra block, he can do whatever he wants. As we walked, he asked about my roommates, and I told him that I live with two guys.

He replied, feigning concern, "Oh really? I don't know how I feel about you living with other guys."

I snapped back, "What is it to you?" and kept walking.

When we got to my apartment, he actually respectfully said goodnight, at a distance, turned around and walked off.

What an asshole. I couldn't believe it. I feel dirty just thinking about the whole thing.

changes

Essentially, I now live in Beijing. Well, I "live" in Beijing. I am here temporarily, for 5 months, as an intern with an international agency. I go back to Boston in 5 months.

I also rejuvenated my public blog. However, the me posting 3 years ago was a very different person and tended to overshare on the internet. So, before relaunching that site, I had to ensure that the more sensitive posts were no longer readable. That however turned into a bit of a fiasco because I was previously unaware of this internet project called Internet Archive, which aims to archive every single site on the internet.

The fiasco involved an older male friend who was already starting to get creepy. Rather haphazardly, I discovered that he was reading my public blog, but not through the normal blog address, but rather through the archives at Internet Archive. All of the more sensitive posts, despite being no longer visible on my blog, were still in the internet archives because they were at one time, all public. Blame it on stupid youthful ignorance and naivete.

I know it's my own fault for being immature and attention-needy a few years back and posting more private thoughts with my real name, and in all honestly there wasn't anything particularly juicy in there anyway, but I still felt stalked, betrayed, and violated by this let-me-emphasize-again-already-getting-creepy older male friend. Yet I was completely and utterly helpless. I came home that night and collapsed on the couch next to Broadway in tears.

Broadway wiped away the tears and helped me set up a robots.txt file for the public blog so that the archive robots won't crawl my site anymore, and he also helped me request that Internet Archive restrict access to the material that was already archived from the site. But it was done maybe a day too late, as I could tell from my site trackers that the friend had already crawled through 90% of the back posts. He read them one by one, clicking the "Previous Post" button, all the way back to the very first post. I just can't get over the fact that he purposefully read the blog through the Internet Archives server knowing that he would find hidden posts no longer visible on the actual site. That's manipulatively creepy, and even now, more than a month later, I get so angry thinking about it. Obviously, that "friendship" will never be the same.

Given the existence of the public blog, and my restarting to post there especially while I am in China, I debated whether or not to still keep this one. I write here so infrequently already, even when I didn't have a second blog. I felt that it would be a lost cause for sure to try to keep two blogs going. But then the last couple of days, I thought of some interesting things that would only be appropriate for a private blog. So why not, I'll keep both and see how things go.

Along those lines, I'm also considering forgoing anonymity and sharing the public blog with readers of this blog. I want to share about Beijing. I definitely won't post any links here--that just seems like a bad idea, but I am still thinking of turning this into a private blog with restricted readership. I'm particularly paranoid now after the creepy stalker friend incident. The worst would be for someone somewhere to stalk and establish a connection back to here from my public profile.

Anyway, so potentially some changes here in the near future.

*sigh*

The distraction brought on by NBB the past couple of weeks started me on an agonizing path of questioning my relationship with Broadway. Every. Single. Day.

The first real question came when I tried imagining the rest of my life with Broadway. In my mind, that thought was followed by silence, then the question: “Really? Isn't that settling?" My thoughts then wandered to kids, and I just couldn’t see myself having kids with him. I felt that I would be having kids for the sake of having kids, and not because I so very much love the man such that I would want to have something that we would share and create together.

I should be with someone with whom I’m excited to spend the rest of my life, and with whom I want to see as the father of my children, right?

A few days ago, I saw Broadway’s frame walking away from me, with his usual slumped shoulders and slightly scrawny frame that I have always liked and found endearing. As I watched him walk away, I almost broke out in tears. All I could think about was how Broadway is a good, good man. He wants good for the world. He wants good for the people he loves. And he wants good for me. And what do I do? I agonize over and over about whether or not we should be together. And he has no idea.

We do argue. A lot. He’s even walked out sometimes completely angry, swearing that he’s had enough of my temper. I keep telling him that my temper is part of who I am, so he responds by saying he just doesn't want to deal with it anymore. When he does this, I let him leave. Once he came back so upset that I would let him leave in that state, that I wouldn't even try to stop him or to salvage our relationship.

Yes, I feel guilty that I don't try to stop him. I just never feel the panic that I think I ought to feel when faced with a great big breakup. My thoughts jump to, “Well, I guess that’s it. Back to being single.” No emotions, no hysterics. I can't help feeling that I must harbor some secret hope that he would just call it quits on me once and for all.

Something’s wrong with that reaction. If I really valued this relationship, if I really valued being with him, I would be much more emotional on the verge of a breakup, right?

We hardly ever have real serious conversations about us without it being at the tail end of a fight, but we did on Saturday.

I’m not sure how it started, but I ended up playing the victim. I told him how the things that he despises (suburban America, middle class life, regular routines, etc. etc.) were the very things that I was brought up to value. Evolving my views toward his, and he knows I have, has created a growing gap between my opinions and those of my parents. Not to say we should hold on to what our parents tell us our whole lives, but I shouldn’t have to feel this guilt I’ve felt recently that I’m somehow betraying them, leaving them in the dust. All they wanted as immigrants was to give me a good life, raise me in that good life, that good middle class life. Who am I to now reject that, knowing that they sacrificed everything they had to raise me in a middle class American way? Who am I to say that’s trite and unoriginal? Who is he to impose these opinions on me and make me feel silly and inadequate for having other opinions?

He admitted that he has a lot of idealistic views about the world and that he is also quite hypocritical in that he often does exactly what his ideals dictate he shouldn’t do. He actually said “In that sense, I guess I’m pretty close-minded.”

A small celebration went off in my head when he said that. It's exactly what I'd thought. I’d always thought him to be hypocritically close-minded (and unreasonably liberal and paranoid, paranoidedly liberal). On the occasions that I'd told him so, he always would get defensive right away (insecurity with the truth of what I was saying?), and we end up fighting.

Broadway was pouring his heart out to me Saturday, and I couldn’t think of anything to say back. Some character flaw of my own to share, perhaps? Or reassurance that he really isn’t all that close-minded? Anything would have been good. Instead, I had nothing to say. I was too busy celebrating what he had just admitted to.

We are very different people, and he acknowledged that. We have different views on the purpose of our lives, of what we want to get out of our social interactions with others, on what would make us happy. All of these are fundamental differences. During that conversation, I felt that the elephant in the room that neither one of us wanted to be the first to acknowledge was the fact that we’re just too different to be together.

Turns out, only I thought that.

He didn’t want to give up trying. He tentatively asked me, “Do you?”

I could only say “No, I don’t want to give up either.”

He admitted that he’s had some tough times lately. He’s depressed. He’s thinking about going to see a doctor. He’s often unhappy. “But please don’t leave me. I don’t want you to leave me.”

“No, Broadway, I won’t leave you.”

“You make me so happy. You pulled me through some of my worst times. I was in bad shape right when we started dating. I know you get frustrated that I don’t share your happiness about the world, but your happiness gives me happiness. With you, I’m only unhappy some of the time. Without you, I would be unhappy all of the time. So unhappy. Please don’t leave me.”

His earnest eyes looked at me, and he buried his head in my shoulders. I felt tears welting up into my eyes. He is such a good man to me. He would do anything for me. He has done so much for me already. I've put him through so much. Who am I to judge his worth now? Who am I to tear his world apart and throw him back into a horrible horrible place?

“I love you Seine. You love me too, right?”

“I love you.”

new guy on the block

Just when things had been going so well with Broadway, this new guy joined our frisbee team.

It's weird how attraction works. It's either there, or it's not. It's hard to predict how it happens, or when it will happen. I meet plenty of new people every day, many of them guys around my age. Some of them are married, living with their girlfriends, etc.. Others are single. Either way, within a couple of minutes of talking to them, I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm with Broadway and not any of them.

He is different.

My first encounter with him was platonic enough; there certainly wasn't any out-of-the-ordinary attraction on my part. He was just another guy, albeit cute. Very cute. I picked him out of the crowd for being cute, and maybe we made eye contact. I can't remember. That's how forgettable he was. I never expected to see him again.

The next day, last Thursday, he showed up on my regular summer frisbee team, as our new recruit. Our captain felt that we'd need an extra guy, since quite a few of our male players were on vacation. Then it took only one look, and I knew I was hooked. I knew I had a crush on the guy. From the way he looked at me, I knew that he had also remembered me from the day before.

Why do coincidences like this, these mutual rememberings, never happen when I'm single?

By the time we finished the game last Thursday, I knew only his name and that he can run really really fast. I knew nothing else at all, yet all weekend long I anxiously looked forward to tonight's game, so that I could see him again. I prayed that he would come out to dinner with us after the game, so that I could actually talk to him. He did.

Inconspicuously, I hung back for just the right amount of time such that the only open seat at the restaurant table was next to him. I took it.

Reading over menus, I leaned in and asked him questions. Whether due to circumstances--we were short on menus, so I asked to use his after he'd picked what he wanted--or perhaps he too was interested, he revisited the menu several times after I had borrowed his, used it, and closed it back up. In revisiting, he always placed it a bit too unnecessarily in front of me, so that he too could lean in, read the menu, and almost graze my shoulder with his. One time, he did.

Age comes up a lot on our team, since most players are much older. I quickly took the chance to ask his age. 26. Which means I am still the youngest player on our team, and more importantly, that he is older than me.

I am way too distracted for being not single.

This is not good.

i seldom actually get angry

Until today, after this conversation:

That Guy: So what were you traveling for?
me: Oh, I went to Denver for a workshop thing
That Guy: What was the workshop for?
me: It was this healthcare and business thing
That Guy: Oh, were you there just tagging along with your boyfriend?
me: ??????

Where is the logic in his train of thought? In fact, WHAT is his train of thought? As this was a short conversation while we were lined up waiting for a pull during our ultimate game, I didn't have a chance to react strongly. Not to say I would have otherwise ... I'm not really sure how to react to something like this.

And here I thought I've never encountered sexual discrimination.

Burg, Part 2

I am finally finishing this Burg saga. See here for Part 1.

I wrote Burg, Part 1 when I clandestinely discovered that Burg and his Slut Asian girlfriend of about a year had just recently broken up. At that point, I thought that I had actually come to a closure regarding Burg. When I started dating Broadway back in March, who ironically is fairly food friends with Burg, I started going to things with Broadway at which Burg and Slult Asian also would be.

I actually talked to Slut Asian a few times and decided that whatever, I was over the whole thing. Thinking nonchalantly is so differently from actually being nonchalant about the whole thing. When I found out about the break up, I was shocked. All sorts of possibilities ran through my head, as if I had been pining Burg still after all that time had passed.

I even rehearsed crazy silly soap opera scenarios in my head about dumping Broadway and going after Burg, and how after both of our independent attempts at romance with other people, we would still find true ultimate love in each other. What a great love story to tell our kids if they ever ask how their mom and dad met, I thought.

I know, I was way gone on that thought.

The news of their breakup also came at a time of lows for Broadway and me, which certainly didn't help my sense of stability in my current relationship. I remember shooting off an email to Best Friend asking her what she thought as soon as I found out about the breakup. (She was there with me through all of the Burg garbage two years ago).

As usual, she reality-checked me and said that I needed to make a decision about Broadway once and for all and not because of Burg's freshly acquired bachelor status. As for Burg, I needed to just chill the F* out and stop playing out these silly fairy castle scenarios. Yeah ... Best Friend's always got a better head on her shoulders than I do. I took her advice and just let it go.

The funny thing from all of this is that I feel sorry for the Slut Asian girl. She's probably not really a slut, just one of those outspoken girls who has no problems being crass and hanging with the boys. Objectively speaking, Burg was a terrible boyfriend to her, not because he was trying to be a jerk, but just because Burg is who he is. He's such a typical guy sometimes.

The other funny thing is that Slut Asian and I mutually stalked each other for a while right after she started dating Burg. I read her blog religiously, equating her crassy words as slutty. In return, I kept seeing hits from her internship company on my public blog. I guess she was just as curious about me as I was about her.

I wonder what she thought of me? Was she pity me as the poor girl whose love she stole?

what to make of this?

An acquaintance texted me early in the afternoon:

"I'm thinking about walking by where you are. Wanna take a break from work?"

I kindly declined, making up an excuse that I had to get some work done before a 3pm meeting. The truth was, I wasn't comfortable going to hang out with him.

This guy has always been an fringe acquaintance. By chance at a mutual friend's BBQ one day, he found out that I also play frisbee. Since both of our day schedules are fairly flexible, he mentioned that he'd call me sometime to take a work break and throw some discs while the weather's still nice.

Sounded good to me. I'm always up for throwing.

Except when we did get together to throw about a week later, he mentioned that he just moved to a new place and that I should come over to see it, and "maybe we can get a drink sometime." I played dumb and suggested he throw a housewarming party and that I would come for sure to help celebrate.

Of course the thought crossed my mind that he meant more than just wanting to show his place to a friend, but then it seemed so unlikely that he would have any other intentions given that I thought it was fairly common knowledge that I have a boyfriend. Though being a fringe acquaintance, he may have never picked up on that.

I'm not sure how many more times I can come up with an excuse as to why I can't hang out. I definitely don't want to go have drinks with him...

Then again, he is very recently divorced (or separated, I'm not sure if the paperwork's official yet), so perhaps he really is just lonely and wants someone to hang out with.

I should post more often

I have this problem ... I want to write, and through the course of the day, I often think of funny things or stupid things or perhaps sometimes even insightful things that would be potentially good material for a blog. When I get home though, I inevitably forget or remember and decide that it's not worth the effort to go write on the blog. So this thing sits untouched for weeks on end.

For example, today, I thought of a great many number of things that would be great to document. Except since there are such a great number of them, it wouldn't really be appropriate (nor productive) to sit here for hours on end documenting the many topics that could describe the various aspects of my life today.

Here's a snippet, I suppose:

I have a big work presentation on Monday. I should get the final slides prepared and to my boss to look over, and I should have done this sometime this weekend ... as in today. Except today is 30 minutes from being over, and I only have ~70% of my slides. I NEED to rush these slides tonight before bed so that my boss can critique them (and once again make me feel like an idiot) first thing tomorrow morning.

I am a procrastinator, in case that wasn't made clear in the above paragraph. Not only did I not work on those slides today, I played in a frisbee tournament, went to a three-act comedy show, screwed around on facebook, and now am writing a blog entry.

Three interesting things I found on facebook today:

1) A fellow blogger whom I only knew in cyber-life found me and sent me a message on facebook, which admittedly, is still a part of cyber-life ... but now I feel much more substantively connected to him because of this new facebook connection. I haven't quite decided how I feel about that.

2) I found out about two engagements through facebook relationship status updates. I'm not sure how this reflects on my level of involvement in my actual friends' lives, but I thought it a bit strange that it happened twice on the same day.

3) Speaking of relationships, this guy I screwed around with during college posted some new pictures of him attending a wedding. And there's a girl involved. At first I thought it may have been his sister ... she looked kinda like his sister. But no, their dancing body positions, their gazes into each others' eyes, the kiss on the forehead ... these all point to their not being related in the sibling way.

I shouldn't be phased. After all, we were just screwing around. But back during a low point in my life two years ago, I often daydreamed that this guy would move here to be my prince in shining armor and save me from my spiraling relationship (and probably life) depression. I also wasn't delusional. We at one point seriously talked, over IM, about where his next move would be, and he wanted to try for Big Northern City here. No, I wasn't delusional. I promise. Though one advantage of IM is that it is physical documentation that would probably hold up in court if I demanded emotional compensation now that he is dating someone and no longer remembers wanting to move here to be with me.

On the brighter side of things, my frisbee tournament went well. My team won the tournament. My presentation didn't finish itself while I was running around in the grass. Bummer.

Now I should work to finish that presentation, so I don't end up staying up all night. Except I had a couple of glasses of wine at the comedy show, and being slightly tipsy, all I can think about is having sex with my boyfriend. Or really rather any penis for that matter.

nerdy guys at outdoorsy shops

It's been a while since I've been in an outdoors shop like REI or the local ski shop. Broadway's not really into the outdoors, and he's not so much a gear whore like me either. With the upcoming ski season though, I've been meaning to go check out any leftover stuff from last season to get a new snowboard. So today, I dragged Broadway with me to the local ski shop for their Columbus weekend sale.

I had forgotten how friendly the nerdy gear guys at these places can be. Looking at last season's boards and bindings and boots, a nice cute friendly sales associate came to answer my questions. By this point, Broadway had gotten bored of my pulling board after board out of the display to look at, so he had gone off to look for a new jacket for himself.

Since I was pretty intent on getting board, bindings, and boots today, I talked to the Gear Guy for a while asking lots of questions, etc. etc. After I decided on a board, he fetched some boots I liked in my size to try on, and Broadway came back over around this time. I had wondered if the Gear Guy was in any way flirting with me. He was very professional, never overstepping his bounds as a sales associate in any way, but there were certain things like touching my hand when he handed some boots over to me, or holding on for a bit longer than necessary when he shook my hand and asked me my name ...

Now Broadway knows that I have a soft spot for these gear guys, so maybe because of this, when he came to see how I was doing and saw that I was spending so much time with this Gear Guy, he gave me a kiss on the side of my face before leaving to go back to looking at jackets. I chuckled that that Broadway would discreetly stake his claim on me in front of the Gear Guy, and then satisfied with what he had done, would walk away again without a care.

Burg, Part 1

Burg was this boy I fell hard for, for a long time. I first met Burg when I came up north a few years ago. I started at the end of August, and he was in my same company and had started a couple of years ahead of me. The first time I met him, I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, he's really cute. Too bad I'm getting married to Engineer." Engineer requires a whole back-story of his own, which will come in due time on this blog.

At some point later that year, I got a sense that Burg may be interested in me, but I was so happily attached to the man of my dreams that I felt sorry for Burg that he was liking someone in vain. And of course, I still thought he was extremely cute, athletic, outdoorsy. All in all, a perfect guy for me if I weren't planning to get married. To someone else.

I started liking Burg the next summer. Engineer had decided that I wasn't important enough for him to stay in town for the summer and took a short-stint job down in DC. By this point, I had been up north for about a year, and with very similar interests, Burg and I ended up having quite a few mutual friends within our company and we had plenty of run-ins that summer.

The most memorable run-in was a camping trip we all took together with some mutual friends. There were two cars going, but we got separated on the drive up. I was in Burg's car with two others, and we got to the campsite first. Being that it was really late and that we were all tired, we went ahead and pitched tents to sleep instead of waiting for the other car. There were two tents for 4 people, and the other two people were kinda sorta dating, so that left me and Burg to sleep in a 2-person tent together. For those not tent-trained, a 2-person tent has a base about the size of a full-size bed. Nothing happened, but I think there was a whole lot of unspoken sexual tension and temptation on both of our parts.

My feelings for Burg grew and grew and grew, and while I harp a lot on religion as the breaking factor for Engineer and me, my lack of exclusive interest for Engineer was also a reason. When Engineer and I broke up in October, I happened to be at a meeting the next day with Email Boy. After the meeting, he went with me and a friend of mine to the nearby pub for some beers. There, I spilled the beans that Engineer and I had broken up, definitely well aware of the fact that I was making sure Burg knew I was now single and not attached.

Thus started a series of dates-that-never-were. At the time, I was in a office that was actually down the hall from him. Granted, it was a long hallway, and we were at opposite ends, but you would think being on the same floor would have been a plus in our favor to develop something. To make a long story short, we sent multiple-page emails to each other at least once a day for about a month, and finally saw a movie together. It was a film that he wanted to see, and he originally also invited two mutual friends along. The two friends had the intuition to not come, so the movie ended up being a "date" with just Burg and me.

All in all, after a month plus of sending emails, I got tired. He never made a move, and all of our communication was always on email. He gave me a book as a present; he got me truffles; he scheduled an ice skating thing around my schedule, skipping a day when I was out of town. Basically, he showed interested, but never acted on interest.

This all came crashing down sometime in January when he asked me to have a talk. This was some 1.5 months after all the ridiculous emailing started. When we sat down to talk, he basically said that he never made a move beyond email because he was scared of commitment. He told a mutual friend over the summer (the same summer we slept in the same tent together) that I'm the kind of girl he sees himself marrying. So when I became available, he was scared that I would be the last relationship that he would ever be in, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that.

"Oh, and by the way, I'm seeing another girl."

F-ing A. He strung me along this whole time just to tell he he's now seeing another girl? He kept emphasizing that she wasn't his girlfriend, and that they've only been on a couple of dates ... but that he liked her better because he didn't know anything about her, whereas we were friends, and he would lose a friend if things didn't work out between us. Since he wasn't one to date multiple girls at the same time, he really thought he should talk to me and tell me that things wouldn't ever lead anywhere between us.

Bullshit.

For the longest time, I imagined that he was dating some brunette bombshell (not blonde, somehow I don't think he's into blondes). A few months later, I found out that the girl is Asian, and has quite a slutty personality. Burg and Slut Asian dated and dated and dated more seriously, all while I went through two boyfriends, countless 1st/2nd dates, all of which flopped. Not to mention that when he started dating Slut Asian, he was 26/27, and she wasn't even allowed to drink legally.

I'm not bitter.