Back in high school (9th & 10th grade), I had a huge crush on this guy Willow. Before homeroom, I would go with my girlfriends to walk around the halls, and we would purposefully walk by the door of his homeroom just so that I could take a peek at him as we walked by. Slowly. Another girlfriend once called him to talk to him on the phone to ask him questions while staying anonymous herself, and then she'd tell me the answers. Stuff like "what classes are you taking?", "do you have a girlfriend?" Yeah, silly high school stuff. I had a crush on him for almost a year.
This summer, I ran across his profile on MySpace. I was afraid to add him as a friend at first; after all, we never actually ever were friends. I had a huge crush on him, and he maybe knew that I existed. But a high school girlfriend who knew the whole episode convinced me that I should just do it, add him on MySpace. So I did, and ever since then, we've been emailing and talking online, for the past three or four months.
When we first started chatting, I think I had just met RC. We talked about dating a lot, and we were both single, so we were talking about our different approaches to dating. He wants to date to settle down. Back then, I said I wasn't done being single. I wanted to date for the sake of dating, and I wasn't really to settle down with anybody. Everything between us had a lot of sexual tension (if there is such a thing over IM), and we were always very flirtatious with each other, and it seemed fairly obvious to me that he was interested. Eventually I told him that I was dating someone, as RC and I got more and more serious, but Willow and I kept talking online.
He recently moved back to Ctown (in the last year or so), where we both went to high school. He had left for college, worked elsewhere for a couple of years afterwards, and recently found a job near Ctown, so he came back. Knowing that I would be home for the holidays, he suggested that we get together for lunch/dinner/drinks or something. I agreed.
Tuesday night, we went to dinner and a movie afterwards. He paid for both. I offered, very sincerely, but he kept saying that he's working, and I'm still just a student. We saw a silly movie: Charlotte's Web. Cute, but very slow, and put me to sleep at times. As we were saying goodbye (he drove and dropped me off at home), he said "yeah, we should go see a non-stupid movie next time. I'm so sorry I suggested we watch Charlotte's Web." So I told him I'd give him a call the next day.
Wednesday night, I called him after dinner and said "hey, want to go watch another movie?" He agreed right away, and we went to see Night at the Museum. I told him I'd meet him at the movie theater this time around, but when the movie ended, he insisted on walking me back to my car (we parked in separate lots). That really surprised me, in a good way, and it made me feel really good that he would be so nice as to walk me back to my car.
Through all of this, the sexual tension present over IM was kind of amplified in person. Though I tried to be as proper as possible, I have to admit that I was wondering the whole time while sitting through dinner and those two movies what it would be like to be dating him.
A really good friend of mine from high school, SK is also back in Ctown to spend the holidays with her family. I wanted to catch up with her, and she happens to have been friends with Willow in high school, and they even dated briefly during our college years. So as we were saying goodbye Wednesday night, Willow asked if I would want to all three of us hang out. I immediately said yes, hoping to spend more time with him.
So during the day today, I called SK to see if she'd be up for drinks tonight with me and Willow. She agreed right away, and it turned out that her boyfriend would be flying in tonight too, so he would join us. My immediate thoughts were, wow, so it would be kinda like a double date.
Willow insisted on driving, so he came to pick me up at 9:45. When we got to the bar at 10, SK and her boyfriend were already there waiting. We sat down in a booth, had a couple of drinks, an decided to try our luck at some pool. By this time, Willow had had a couple of drinks. With very low tolerance, I think his inhibitions were a bit lowered. Pool was me and Willow against SK and her boyfriend. Every time he handed the cue stick to me after his turn, Willow would briefly touch me in some way: hand on my back with a "good luck" or "accidentally" brushing his fingers on my knee when I was sitting down or a pat on the shoulder. We would stand really close together, shirt sleeves almost touching ... and the tension builds.
As he's pulling into my neighborhood to drop me off, he asks half-jokingly "are you hungry?", because there's a little diner right before the turnoff into my neighborhood. I look at my watch and say, "actually, maybe. Are you?" So we get some food at the diner and sit and chat for a while. I told him about why my parents don't like RC, how awkward that's going to be (not the full story, just the screws in the back thing again). And we talked about a lot of other things, like dating.
While I was with him, I played down RC a lot, saying that I wasn't sure where things were going. That I want to wait and see how things go, making it sound very up in the air... I could feel that he wanted something between us, that had I been single when I came home for the holidays, there may be some sparks flying. I felt like I was playing with fire. He's a decent guy; he would never make a move knowing I have a boyfriend, but somehow, I wanted him to tonight.
I don't know how I can act like this and what this means about RC. I came home, felt really guilty, and started looking through a bunch of pictures RC took with his webcam yesterday and sent to me. I wanted to remind myself that I'm with RC, that I love him, that I'm fighting tooth and nail with my parents for RC. How can I then go on all these multiple outings with Willow? I can deny them being dates all I want, but come on, who spends that much time with someone from the past whom they barely know?
As Willow dropped me off tonight, I told him that RC would be in town tomorrow, and that I'd probably be out doing something with him and some friends from back home whom he doesn't know, but that he was more than welcome to join us. I mentioned the same thing to SK and her boyfriend, and they immediately thought it was a great idea. When I mentioned it to Willow, though, he didn't seem to keen on the idea.
This made me think about whether or not he was wary because he didn't want to hang out with me when my boyfriend was around? ...
I think if there were a line about these things, I am dangerously close to it, perhaps even with half a foot across the line.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
to evade elusiveness
Just to get it out in the open, here's what wrong with RC.
I mentioned that he was in a car accident 8 years ago. It broke his back, and it took a whole year before he was really back to "normal" again. After that, his back kept hurting for another year. Yeah, talk about how much it sucks.
The accident broke two vertebrae in mid to lower back, shattered one completely beyond repair (doctors had to graft some bone taken from his hip). The bones are now held in place by a couple of screws and 2 long metal rods (I'm guessing 5 inches, but I don't know for sure). I can feel the ends of the rods when I massage his back.
So that's the structural damage. The nerve damage is scarier. He had significant spinal cord injury. The nerves to his calves are all dead, so all of his calf muscles deteriorated to flab. If you think about how a human being walks, we plant one foot out front and lift up our heels on the back foot to move it to the front. Lifting up our heels all comes from calf muscles, so when you don't have any, you have to change the way you walk. He's compensated fairly well, but if you watch him long enough, you can tell that he's not quite walking right.
The sensory nerves on the back of his thighs and butt are dead, so he doesn't feel anything. As in, if he sits on a hot bench, he wouldn't get up.
Probably biggest deal of all is that he lost the nerves that 1) controls his bladder, 2) tells him when his bladder is full, and 3) allows him to pee. So he thinks about how much water he's drank, how long it's been, and guesses when he needs to use the bathroom. When he does, he sticks a 14" long catheter through his urethra all the way up into his bladder to drain out the liquid. You may ask, so ... can he, you know, perform his other penile function? Yes, yes he can, but there is significant loss of tactile sensation.
Alright, so that's everything.
My parents know somewhat about the back. I told them that he broke his back, and has a couple of screws in his back. That's it. And they've already gone beserk. Can you imagine how adamantly against this they would be should they find out about everything else, too? Especially the catheter. God, I don't want to imagine that conversation.
parents: "WHAT???? So he can't PEE on his own??"
me: "yeah"
parents: "You have to break up with him. He can't even have kids."
me: "err, actually, I think he can"
parents: "and HOW would you know that?"
me: "errrr"
Yeah, that'd be a really fun conversation.
I mentioned that he was in a car accident 8 years ago. It broke his back, and it took a whole year before he was really back to "normal" again. After that, his back kept hurting for another year. Yeah, talk about how much it sucks.
The accident broke two vertebrae in mid to lower back, shattered one completely beyond repair (doctors had to graft some bone taken from his hip). The bones are now held in place by a couple of screws and 2 long metal rods (I'm guessing 5 inches, but I don't know for sure). I can feel the ends of the rods when I massage his back.
So that's the structural damage. The nerve damage is scarier. He had significant spinal cord injury. The nerves to his calves are all dead, so all of his calf muscles deteriorated to flab. If you think about how a human being walks, we plant one foot out front and lift up our heels on the back foot to move it to the front. Lifting up our heels all comes from calf muscles, so when you don't have any, you have to change the way you walk. He's compensated fairly well, but if you watch him long enough, you can tell that he's not quite walking right.
The sensory nerves on the back of his thighs and butt are dead, so he doesn't feel anything. As in, if he sits on a hot bench, he wouldn't get up.
Probably biggest deal of all is that he lost the nerves that 1) controls his bladder, 2) tells him when his bladder is full, and 3) allows him to pee. So he thinks about how much water he's drank, how long it's been, and guesses when he needs to use the bathroom. When he does, he sticks a 14" long catheter through his urethra all the way up into his bladder to drain out the liquid. You may ask, so ... can he, you know, perform his other penile function? Yes, yes he can, but there is significant loss of tactile sensation.
Alright, so that's everything.
My parents know somewhat about the back. I told them that he broke his back, and has a couple of screws in his back. That's it. And they've already gone beserk. Can you imagine how adamantly against this they would be should they find out about everything else, too? Especially the catheter. God, I don't want to imagine that conversation.
parents: "WHAT???? So he can't PEE on his own??"
me: "yeah"
parents: "You have to break up with him. He can't even have kids."
me: "err, actually, I think he can"
parents: "and HOW would you know that?"
me: "errrr"
Yeah, that'd be a really fun conversation.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
here we go again ...
I haven't been home for even a day, and the talking's begun. My mom wants to know if I've given any more thought to everything they've said regarding RC thus far. My dad wants to know why I would knowingly go into a forever-together relationship with someone whom I know could very well be paralyzed in 20 years. I try to dodge the conversation, and I lose my temper, which just makes my mom more frustrated because she thinks I'm being stubborn and not understanding what she's telling me. My dad gets frustrated because he wants to know why I lost my temper when they're both talking to me in a normal tone of voice.
I just want to scream.
I understand perfectly everything that my mom has said. She needn't remind me of all the risks I'm taking in wanting to stay with RC, potentially marrying him. She needn't tell me that I have to think longer-term, I have to think about my life 10, 20, 30 years from now. I lost my temper because I didn't feel like my parents were really honestly talking to me. They wanted to pester me until I came around to their way of thinking and break up with RC. They won't rest until I tell them, "mom, dad, I broke up with RC." And then they would rejoice.
That's the worst part. I halfway don't want to end things with RC because I don't want to give my parents that satisfaction, to hear their joyous reaction as they go about their day feeling better that they somehow managed to save their daughter from a lifetime of doom for the next 2/3 of her life. They would not be sympathetic; they would not say, "We're really sorry honey. We know how much he meant to you."
No, they wouldn't say that. I can just hear the conversation now ...
me: "mom, dad, today I think we broke up."
mom: "good, the earlier the better."
dad: "good, better to not waste your time on something that would be very bad."
THANK YOU mom and dad. Thanks for all the non-support.
We're off to a city about 4 hours away tomorrow to visit some friends of theirs for the holidays. I'm dreading the 4 hour car ride. At least, when at home, I can just leave and go upstairs. Go watch TV, get on my laptop, something. In a car, I can't escape. I'm f-ing 24 years-old, and I have to go on car trips with my parents and have them treat me like a little kid.
I just want to scream.
I understand perfectly everything that my mom has said. She needn't remind me of all the risks I'm taking in wanting to stay with RC, potentially marrying him. She needn't tell me that I have to think longer-term, I have to think about my life 10, 20, 30 years from now. I lost my temper because I didn't feel like my parents were really honestly talking to me. They wanted to pester me until I came around to their way of thinking and break up with RC. They won't rest until I tell them, "mom, dad, I broke up with RC." And then they would rejoice.
That's the worst part. I halfway don't want to end things with RC because I don't want to give my parents that satisfaction, to hear their joyous reaction as they go about their day feeling better that they somehow managed to save their daughter from a lifetime of doom for the next 2/3 of her life. They would not be sympathetic; they would not say, "We're really sorry honey. We know how much he meant to you."
No, they wouldn't say that. I can just hear the conversation now ...
me: "mom, dad, today I think we broke up."
mom: "good, the earlier the better."
dad: "good, better to not waste your time on something that would be very bad."
THANK YOU mom and dad. Thanks for all the non-support.
We're off to a city about 4 hours away tomorrow to visit some friends of theirs for the holidays. I'm dreading the 4 hour car ride. At least, when at home, I can just leave and go upstairs. Go watch TV, get on my laptop, something. In a car, I can't escape. I'm f-ing 24 years-old, and I have to go on car trips with my parents and have them treat me like a little kid.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
back to the drawing board?
I woke up yesterday morning, frustrated, because I missed something with a friend whom I really cared about. Not because something came up, not because I got busy, but because I overslept. I then thought back to why I didn't set an alarm, and it was because I was frustrated with RC. He was studying for a major exam, along with having a report due. However, he was unmotivated, so I told him that I would stay up with him.
While he worked and studied, I wrote up my Christmas cards this year to mail. Around 3am, he just up and left his computer and went to bed. I still had a couple more cards to write, so I stayed up at the desk to write those, but I wasn't very happy. I felt like I stayed up for him, to help him stay up and study. But when it came time for him to say "I'm tired, I want to go to bed" he didn't even say anything, just got up and went to bed. Besides, I stayed up until 3am because of him; he could have at least stayed up a few more minutes until I finished my Christmas cards.
When I finally went to sleep, I was rather frustrated, but too tired to really take notice or think too much. But it did make me forget to set my alarm, which caused me to oversleep the next morning and miss my friend's thing that I told her she could count on me for.
Frustrated, in the morning, I started a conversation with RC about how I'm not sure we are good for each other. The point of a relationship, I said, is so that together, you make each other better people (something Key used to always say). There are faults and annoyances, sure, but overall, we should become better people as a result of our relationships. However, I told him, the two of us are more irresponsible and flakier and lazier, and we procrastinate more, when we are with each other.
If on our own, on average, we procrastinate 10% of the time, when we're with each other, we procrastinate some 60, 70% of the time. We are both so prone to procrastinating anyway that when we're together, whenever there is a reason to not do work, we take that. Normally, say I want to procrastinate, he may say "no, I need to work", and then with nothing else to do, I sit down and work too. The way RC and I operate is I'll say "I don't want to work", and he'll say "Man, i don't want to work either. Let's go do something!" And off we go, putting off work for yet another night/day/week.
Is something like this reason enough to believe that we would never work out? Because I feel like we don't make each other better people, and we would never get anything done because we both exhibit such low levels of self-control? Because we exacerbate each others' laziness and propensity for procrastination?
He agreed with me when this conversation came up, and said that he had been thinking the exact same thing. Because I was already late, and I had another meeting, I ran out of the apartment at that, and it was the end of the conversation... for now.
I brought it up again later in the day. I'm not sure why. I think I just wanted to talk about it. I think about why I would bring up something like that, why would I talk about whether or not we're good for each other? I think I wanted to hear him say, "no baby, we may have this issue we need to work on, but overall, we're good for each other." I wanted to tell him, "I don't think we're good for each other" and to have him beg and plead that "that's just not true." Why? I don't know, to feel wanted? It's the same feeling I get when I'm upset and I turn away, leave, go into another room, and I do it to see if he would follow me to make up.
Of course, he didn't say what I wanted him to say. Hearing what I was saying, he immediately jumped to "She doesn't want me around because she doesn't think I'm good for her". Being the take-or-leave-it person that he is, he told me that he doesn't want this because he doesn't think I want it, so what's the point? He realizes that I think he's bad for me, and he thinks what I want is to end things because he's a burden to have around, and I can't get anything done. I wasn't about to give in that easily, because I didn't REALLY want us to break up (what is wrong with me anyway?? all these mind-games ...).
I asked him if he thought I'm bad for him, too. At this point, I think he was kinda pissed off, so he very quickly said, "Yeah, I don't think you're good for me." I mean, I guess what did I expect him to say? "No baby, you're good for me. I'm the one who's not good for you." What am I? In a fairy tale?
His quick response made me throw up my arms and say "Wow, so what IS the point?" He said "there is no point" and gathered his stuff and got up and left. Of course, I'm the one who goes running after him, but I didn't REALLY want him to leave. But the discussion got tabled because he's right, time's not really on our side right now. We don't have time for these conversations that only arise because I want him to want me even when I show that I may not want him. He has an exam, a big report, and I have a meeting with my adviser. We don't have time for silly discussions that have no purpose, and really go nowhere.
He went to the library to study, and I went home feeling bad. I started feeling worse, so I went to the library to find him, kissed him, and sat down next to him to do some readings while he kept working. Everything turned out peachy, or so it seemed ...
Ever since yesterday, I've started to get a sinking feeling that I actually don't know if I really do love him, if I do want to be with him. I'm just not enthusiastic about the thought of "us."
So is it time to go back to the drawing board? I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't give up that easily. One day of feeling not quite right shouldn't lead to drastic changes like a break-up ...
Which leads to the question of what does/should lead to a break up?
While he worked and studied, I wrote up my Christmas cards this year to mail. Around 3am, he just up and left his computer and went to bed. I still had a couple more cards to write, so I stayed up at the desk to write those, but I wasn't very happy. I felt like I stayed up for him, to help him stay up and study. But when it came time for him to say "I'm tired, I want to go to bed" he didn't even say anything, just got up and went to bed. Besides, I stayed up until 3am because of him; he could have at least stayed up a few more minutes until I finished my Christmas cards.
When I finally went to sleep, I was rather frustrated, but too tired to really take notice or think too much. But it did make me forget to set my alarm, which caused me to oversleep the next morning and miss my friend's thing that I told her she could count on me for.
Frustrated, in the morning, I started a conversation with RC about how I'm not sure we are good for each other. The point of a relationship, I said, is so that together, you make each other better people (something Key used to always say). There are faults and annoyances, sure, but overall, we should become better people as a result of our relationships. However, I told him, the two of us are more irresponsible and flakier and lazier, and we procrastinate more, when we are with each other.
If on our own, on average, we procrastinate 10% of the time, when we're with each other, we procrastinate some 60, 70% of the time. We are both so prone to procrastinating anyway that when we're together, whenever there is a reason to not do work, we take that. Normally, say I want to procrastinate, he may say "no, I need to work", and then with nothing else to do, I sit down and work too. The way RC and I operate is I'll say "I don't want to work", and he'll say "Man, i don't want to work either. Let's go do something!" And off we go, putting off work for yet another night/day/week.
Is something like this reason enough to believe that we would never work out? Because I feel like we don't make each other better people, and we would never get anything done because we both exhibit such low levels of self-control? Because we exacerbate each others' laziness and propensity for procrastination?
He agreed with me when this conversation came up, and said that he had been thinking the exact same thing. Because I was already late, and I had another meeting, I ran out of the apartment at that, and it was the end of the conversation... for now.
I brought it up again later in the day. I'm not sure why. I think I just wanted to talk about it. I think about why I would bring up something like that, why would I talk about whether or not we're good for each other? I think I wanted to hear him say, "no baby, we may have this issue we need to work on, but overall, we're good for each other." I wanted to tell him, "I don't think we're good for each other" and to have him beg and plead that "that's just not true." Why? I don't know, to feel wanted? It's the same feeling I get when I'm upset and I turn away, leave, go into another room, and I do it to see if he would follow me to make up.
Of course, he didn't say what I wanted him to say. Hearing what I was saying, he immediately jumped to "She doesn't want me around because she doesn't think I'm good for her". Being the take-or-leave-it person that he is, he told me that he doesn't want this because he doesn't think I want it, so what's the point? He realizes that I think he's bad for me, and he thinks what I want is to end things because he's a burden to have around, and I can't get anything done. I wasn't about to give in that easily, because I didn't REALLY want us to break up (what is wrong with me anyway?? all these mind-games ...).
I asked him if he thought I'm bad for him, too. At this point, I think he was kinda pissed off, so he very quickly said, "Yeah, I don't think you're good for me." I mean, I guess what did I expect him to say? "No baby, you're good for me. I'm the one who's not good for you." What am I? In a fairy tale?
His quick response made me throw up my arms and say "Wow, so what IS the point?" He said "there is no point" and gathered his stuff and got up and left. Of course, I'm the one who goes running after him, but I didn't REALLY want him to leave. But the discussion got tabled because he's right, time's not really on our side right now. We don't have time for these conversations that only arise because I want him to want me even when I show that I may not want him. He has an exam, a big report, and I have a meeting with my adviser. We don't have time for silly discussions that have no purpose, and really go nowhere.
He went to the library to study, and I went home feeling bad. I started feeling worse, so I went to the library to find him, kissed him, and sat down next to him to do some readings while he kept working. Everything turned out peachy, or so it seemed ...
Ever since yesterday, I've started to get a sinking feeling that I actually don't know if I really do love him, if I do want to be with him. I'm just not enthusiastic about the thought of "us."
So is it time to go back to the drawing board? I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't give up that easily. One day of feeling not quite right shouldn't lead to drastic changes like a break-up ...
Which leads to the question of what does/should lead to a break up?
Sunday, December 17, 2006
where is the line?
Tonight, I'm going to dinner with a friend of mine whose birthday party I missed because I completely forgot about it on the day of. I sent him an email the day after, apologizing profusely (and very lamely) but offered to take him to lunch. He emailed back, saying that since had also missed my bday party (he was sick), we owe each other a meal, so how about sushi sometime at this place he knows downtown?
He then wrote a PS: "So I noticed you were originally down for 2 people [for my party]. Were you going to bring a boy and try to make me jealous? At my own birthday bash? That's so mean. I don't think this is going to work between us :)"
I was going to bring a boy; I was going to bring RC, so I wasn't sure how to answer that question, or whether or not to even acknowledge it at all in my reply. I ended up writing that sure, I'm up for sushi. "When are you free? I'll have to check my calendar, and of course, that of my gentlemen friend :)"
I don't think my intentions were to be vague and ambiguous, but I just thought saying something like "yeah, I was going to bring my boyfriend" would have been really awkward, so I made a joke out of his joke. Maybe I should have just not acknowledged it at all. I was also plagued by the feeling that he was perhaps trying to make a date out of this.
So he ended up making reservations at a sushi place for tonight at 8:30pm. He just sent me an email asking if we're still on for tonight, with the addendum, "The sushi restaurant is downtown, how about I swing by your place around 8:15, and we can take a cab there? It's a reasonably swanky place, so I can't imagine you'll want to walk if you have heels on."
I don't know if I'm reading too much into this. Does he see this as a date? Am I just paranoid in thinking that guy friends who want to go get sushi at a swanky sushi place is looking for a date? Why can we just take the subway? Was this also a hint that I ought to dress up and wear heels?
I don't really know how to handle this situation. Have I already gone too far in somehow leading this guy on? I told RC that I'm going to dinner with this friend whose birthday party we forgot about, obviously not hiding anything, but also I'm not telling him the whole complete story, too...
I think I'll offer to drive, and pick my friend up and go downtown via car.
He then wrote a PS: "So I noticed you were originally down for 2 people [for my party]. Were you going to bring a boy and try to make me jealous? At my own birthday bash? That's so mean. I don't think this is going to work between us :)"
I was going to bring a boy; I was going to bring RC, so I wasn't sure how to answer that question, or whether or not to even acknowledge it at all in my reply. I ended up writing that sure, I'm up for sushi. "When are you free? I'll have to check my calendar, and of course, that of my gentlemen friend :)"
I don't think my intentions were to be vague and ambiguous, but I just thought saying something like "yeah, I was going to bring my boyfriend" would have been really awkward, so I made a joke out of his joke. Maybe I should have just not acknowledged it at all. I was also plagued by the feeling that he was perhaps trying to make a date out of this.
So he ended up making reservations at a sushi place for tonight at 8:30pm. He just sent me an email asking if we're still on for tonight, with the addendum, "The sushi restaurant is downtown, how about I swing by your place around 8:15, and we can take a cab there? It's a reasonably swanky place, so I can't imagine you'll want to walk if you have heels on."
I don't know if I'm reading too much into this. Does he see this as a date? Am I just paranoid in thinking that guy friends who want to go get sushi at a swanky sushi place is looking for a date? Why can we just take the subway? Was this also a hint that I ought to dress up and wear heels?
I don't really know how to handle this situation. Have I already gone too far in somehow leading this guy on? I told RC that I'm going to dinner with this friend whose birthday party we forgot about, obviously not hiding anything, but also I'm not telling him the whole complete story, too...
I think I'll offer to drive, and pick my friend up and go downtown via car.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
what goes around, comes around
If I don't invite people to stuff, I shouldn't get upset when they don't invite me, right? Back a month ago or so, I had to do some serious picking and choosing for my birthday party because I was paying per-head for an hour of appetizers at a club. I only wanted to pay for my friends, and not random acquaintances whom I may want at a large party, but no way I'm paying $25 for each and every one of them.
So I dwindled the list down to some 50 or so people, and many got cut. Now I look around on Facebook, and see that some of them had elaborate holidays parties, to which I wasn't invited (of course). I couldn't help feeling left out. After all, their party was at their house, and there really isn't an issue with capacity or having to pay per-head. Having 50 people there is the same as having 40. Or maybe not?
Then I thought about it, and realized that hey, I shouldn't be too upset. Firstly, would I have actually made the effort to go in the first place? And second, I didn't include them in my elaborate birthday party, so they're totally justified in also not including me.
So I dwindled the list down to some 50 or so people, and many got cut. Now I look around on Facebook, and see that some of them had elaborate holidays parties, to which I wasn't invited (of course). I couldn't help feeling left out. After all, their party was at their house, and there really isn't an issue with capacity or having to pay per-head. Having 50 people there is the same as having 40. Or maybe not?
Then I thought about it, and realized that hey, I shouldn't be too upset. Firstly, would I have actually made the effort to go in the first place? And second, I didn't include them in my elaborate birthday party, so they're totally justified in also not including me.
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
why do i do this???
Randomly, with nothing to do, I went to facebook again (yes, I know I'm addicted). Looking at friends' updates wasn't enough, I had to look up EJ again (Key's girlfriend). What do I find? It was her birthday today. F*ck. Now I'm going crazy thinking about what he got her, betting that he got her something awesome, took her to do something awesome because he was always so good about the things he gave, and the things he planned for special occasions.
I kept organizing stuff today, putting things away in their new places after some major furniture-rearranging ... and what do I find? Letters from Key. Letters from when the summer I was in Atlanta: "I don't know what the future will be, but I know that I love you, I want to be with you, I need you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep that."
How people change.
Why do I look up information on EJ?? Ugh, why can't I just let things rest and not know details? I just make myself more depressed thinking about her, seeing pictures of her, knowing that it's her birthday and he probably did something so wonderfully sweet and thoughtful that she was on the verge of tears and all she wanted to do was to hug him hard forever.
I know that's how he always made me feel.
I kept organizing stuff today, putting things away in their new places after some major furniture-rearranging ... and what do I find? Letters from Key. Letters from when the summer I was in Atlanta: "I don't know what the future will be, but I know that I love you, I want to be with you, I need you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep that."
How people change.
Why do I look up information on EJ?? Ugh, why can't I just let things rest and not know details? I just make myself more depressed thinking about her, seeing pictures of her, knowing that it's her birthday and he probably did something so wonderfully sweet and thoughtful that she was on the verge of tears and all she wanted to do was to hug him hard forever.
I know that's how he always made me feel.
Sunday, December 3, 2006
in general
Even after all the crying I did about RC while on the phone with Mom, I cried about Key.
An old college friend of ours IMed me today and said that old pictures came up on his screensaver all of a sudden, pictures from Disney World (spring break 4th year) and Beach Week (right before graduation). I have these pictures on my laptop, too, and every now and then when I sort through files, I look at them, but somehow his mentioning it was different. It made me want to cry.
I then went to facebook to look at Key's profile, to see if anything's been changed recently. I noticed that his new girlfriend (not THAT new, since May-ish) left him a post on his wall, in response to something one of his residents wrote last year about having interrupted a date of his. I think about how he told me he wasn't sure whether or not things would work out with EJ (the new gf) because they each have one more year of law school left, and they both want to go to different places after graduation. And knowing that it wouldn't work out geographically in a year, he wondered whether or not to expend the energy to date her in the first place?
I guess he kept expending the energy. That made me want to cry more. All that energy he's expending on her, he used to spend on me. All the love that he's giving her now, he used to give to me. One of his roommates from last year of college got engaged recently (I found out through the same friend who IMed me today). They started after Key and I, and everything worked out for them. Now, some 2+ years later, they decided to get engaged. Why couldn't Key and I have that too? Why was it so not in the cards for us?
This past week, I got motivated to rearrange my apartment, bring some stuff out to the living room, clean up my study, get rid of a rug, rearrange a table, etc. etc. This required thinking about what new places to put random stuff I have on my walls. I haven't moved any furniture yet, but I did stare at the few things I have up on my walls, one of which was from Key.
It was my 2003 Christmas present, and I remember having gotten into a fight about it. I went back to school early from break, and drove up to DC to visit him while he was still at home on vacation. That was the first time I met his parents. Since it was already after the New Year, I thought that I would get my Christmas present on that visit, especially since he had been mentioning it when I talked to him on the phone. When I realized that I wasn't going to get the present until later (as in a couple of weeks later when he returns to school), I got really disappointed and threw a temper tantrum (yes, I was really mature back then).
To this day, I still feel so terrible about that incident. The presents I ended up getting were so thoughtful, and the reason he couldn't give it to me while I was visiting him was because he wasn't done making it. The main thing he made was a framed hand-drawn/written verse of "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." He had translated the verse into Chinese himself, and while there was plenty of awkwardness in how he literally translated the verses, I couldn't help crying looking at it because I knew how much love he had put into the piece. All around the verses that he had written out, he also copied scenes from Calvin & Hobbes, Peanuts showing rain and happiness, all hand drawn and hand-colored.
After Key and I broke up (it's been more than a year), I still haven't had the heart to take the frame down from my wall. I took it down today just to look at it more closely, and the tears instantly came streaming down. I cried harder thinking that he's now pouring all that love and all that thoughtfulness into EJ.
I really miss Key. I know we probably would have never worked, but that doesn't make me miss him any less. That doesn't make the pain any duller. Right now, as I type this, tears are running down my face. I really want to cry hard, cry until I have no more tears. But RC is in the other room; I don't want him to see me crying. I wouldn't know what to tell him. I wouldn't be able to explain what is making me cry.
An old college friend of ours IMed me today and said that old pictures came up on his screensaver all of a sudden, pictures from Disney World (spring break 4th year) and Beach Week (right before graduation). I have these pictures on my laptop, too, and every now and then when I sort through files, I look at them, but somehow his mentioning it was different. It made me want to cry.
I then went to facebook to look at Key's profile, to see if anything's been changed recently. I noticed that his new girlfriend (not THAT new, since May-ish) left him a post on his wall, in response to something one of his residents wrote last year about having interrupted a date of his. I think about how he told me he wasn't sure whether or not things would work out with EJ (the new gf) because they each have one more year of law school left, and they both want to go to different places after graduation. And knowing that it wouldn't work out geographically in a year, he wondered whether or not to expend the energy to date her in the first place?
I guess he kept expending the energy. That made me want to cry more. All that energy he's expending on her, he used to spend on me. All the love that he's giving her now, he used to give to me. One of his roommates from last year of college got engaged recently (I found out through the same friend who IMed me today). They started after Key and I, and everything worked out for them. Now, some 2+ years later, they decided to get engaged. Why couldn't Key and I have that too? Why was it so not in the cards for us?
This past week, I got motivated to rearrange my apartment, bring some stuff out to the living room, clean up my study, get rid of a rug, rearrange a table, etc. etc. This required thinking about what new places to put random stuff I have on my walls. I haven't moved any furniture yet, but I did stare at the few things I have up on my walls, one of which was from Key.
It was my 2003 Christmas present, and I remember having gotten into a fight about it. I went back to school early from break, and drove up to DC to visit him while he was still at home on vacation. That was the first time I met his parents. Since it was already after the New Year, I thought that I would get my Christmas present on that visit, especially since he had been mentioning it when I talked to him on the phone. When I realized that I wasn't going to get the present until later (as in a couple of weeks later when he returns to school), I got really disappointed and threw a temper tantrum (yes, I was really mature back then).
To this day, I still feel so terrible about that incident. The presents I ended up getting were so thoughtful, and the reason he couldn't give it to me while I was visiting him was because he wasn't done making it. The main thing he made was a framed hand-drawn/written verse of "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." He had translated the verse into Chinese himself, and while there was plenty of awkwardness in how he literally translated the verses, I couldn't help crying looking at it because I knew how much love he had put into the piece. All around the verses that he had written out, he also copied scenes from Calvin & Hobbes, Peanuts showing rain and happiness, all hand drawn and hand-colored.
After Key and I broke up (it's been more than a year), I still haven't had the heart to take the frame down from my wall. I took it down today just to look at it more closely, and the tears instantly came streaming down. I cried harder thinking that he's now pouring all that love and all that thoughtfulness into EJ.
I really miss Key. I know we probably would have never worked, but that doesn't make me miss him any less. That doesn't make the pain any duller. Right now, as I type this, tears are running down my face. I really want to cry hard, cry until I have no more tears. But RC is in the other room; I don't want him to see me crying. I wouldn't know what to tell him. I wouldn't be able to explain what is making me cry.
i still am lucky
I just got off the phone with my mom; we talked for almost two hours, 2/3 of which was about RC. I told her that I was really surprised she and dad had already made a conclusive decision regarding RC, that I should no longer see him. She said that in the grand scheme of things, they do think that would be the best decision for me because it's not as if I have my own problems that make me unattractive to men (she means things like an amputation, stuff beyond the typical physique, personality), why do I need to go into something knowing what the long-term risks are?
What she said, which I have definitely thought about independently of what her & dad have talked about, is that who knows what RC's wellbeing would be 20, 30 years down the road? Would he be bed-ridden at 50? Would he need a wheelchair because of advanced osteoporosis? Would we need to hire help every time a light bulb on the vault ceiling needs to be fixed because he can't climb ladders at age 40 because of his back? What would this mean for me? Would I be significantly caring for him on a daily basis as early as 10 years from now?
Her point was that if I'm already committed, married, and an accident happens, nobody can predict that. In that situation, as his wife, I should absolutely take full responsibility of supporting and caring for my husband. That's just what life calls for. But right now, why would I go into a commitment KNOWING that I would be shouldering all of these responsibilities?
She then added that all of this, of course, is if I don't feel like he is absolutely the one. If I have reservations about him anyhow, then this ONE BIG ISSUE should be one big issue over the edge to break up now and not drag this out any longer and make it any harder on both of us. However, if I do absolutely want to be with him, if I said that this is it, then she and dad would be okay with things. They would then only remind me to think about, acknowledge, and fully accept the responsibilities I have to him 20 years from now.
If I really decide that I want to be with him, she said that she and dad would be happy for me, and they would support me in that decision and embrace him as a part of our family.
That's when I started crying. I told her that I knew she would feel this way, but that I thought that dad would not be as understanding, and he essentially told me last night that I shouldn't be with RC anymore. Mom then said that was because my dad thought I was taking things too lightly, that I told him I was out with friends and couldn't really talk, so he felt like I just wasn't taking things seriously enough, not considering everything there is to consider. Mom said that she and dad had already talked so extensively about this, and their conclusion was that with the facts, they don't think I should keep seeing RC. However, they have no way of knowing how deeply we feel about each other, and in the end, if he's the one that I truly want to be with, then they would only be happy for me.
I told my mom that if it weren't for this one thing, I'm pretty sure that RC is the one for me. But this one thing, I've kept thinking about. Then I started crying again and I asked my mom why things are always this hard. Why is there always one BIG thing that breaks the deal?? Religion broke the deal with Key. And now this with RC. She just sighed and tried to tell me not to cry, that it's just all a part of life.
But in the end, I feel lucky to have parents who love me so much and support me so much through what I want to do and what I want in life. I think that's all that I can ask for from them: their advice, and always their constant support.
What she said, which I have definitely thought about independently of what her & dad have talked about, is that who knows what RC's wellbeing would be 20, 30 years down the road? Would he be bed-ridden at 50? Would he need a wheelchair because of advanced osteoporosis? Would we need to hire help every time a light bulb on the vault ceiling needs to be fixed because he can't climb ladders at age 40 because of his back? What would this mean for me? Would I be significantly caring for him on a daily basis as early as 10 years from now?
Her point was that if I'm already committed, married, and an accident happens, nobody can predict that. In that situation, as his wife, I should absolutely take full responsibility of supporting and caring for my husband. That's just what life calls for. But right now, why would I go into a commitment KNOWING that I would be shouldering all of these responsibilities?
She then added that all of this, of course, is if I don't feel like he is absolutely the one. If I have reservations about him anyhow, then this ONE BIG ISSUE should be one big issue over the edge to break up now and not drag this out any longer and make it any harder on both of us. However, if I do absolutely want to be with him, if I said that this is it, then she and dad would be okay with things. They would then only remind me to think about, acknowledge, and fully accept the responsibilities I have to him 20 years from now.
If I really decide that I want to be with him, she said that she and dad would be happy for me, and they would support me in that decision and embrace him as a part of our family.
That's when I started crying. I told her that I knew she would feel this way, but that I thought that dad would not be as understanding, and he essentially told me last night that I shouldn't be with RC anymore. Mom then said that was because my dad thought I was taking things too lightly, that I told him I was out with friends and couldn't really talk, so he felt like I just wasn't taking things seriously enough, not considering everything there is to consider. Mom said that she and dad had already talked so extensively about this, and their conclusion was that with the facts, they don't think I should keep seeing RC. However, they have no way of knowing how deeply we feel about each other, and in the end, if he's the one that I truly want to be with, then they would only be happy for me.
I told my mom that if it weren't for this one thing, I'm pretty sure that RC is the one for me. But this one thing, I've kept thinking about. Then I started crying again and I asked my mom why things are always this hard. Why is there always one BIG thing that breaks the deal?? Religion broke the deal with Key. And now this with RC. She just sighed and tried to tell me not to cry, that it's just all a part of life.
But in the end, I feel lucky to have parents who love me so much and support me so much through what I want to do and what I want in life. I think that's all that I can ask for from them: their advice, and always their constant support.
never perfect
Last weekend when I called my parents, I told my mom that RC had been in a serious car accident many years ago. I told her that the accident broke some vertebrae, so he has some metal screws in his back. Additionally, he walks with a bit of a limp because the accident damaged his spinal cord a bit, affecting some nerve endings that control his calf muscles. I held back telling her about other permanent damage that are probably more key, but which make them even harder to tell her. She seemed okay with it, saying that she shuddered when she heard me say he had lasting damage/injury from a car accident, but the conversation ended at that.
I usually call my parents on Sundays, but this week, I called my dad yesterday (Saturday) because I knew he was going to leave today on a business trip. I was out eating Sushi with RC, having a great day, when I remembered that I should call my dad before he leaves. It was the usual mindless chit chat, but at one point, the conversation got serious. He said that mom had told him about RC's injuries.
The way he talked about it seemed like there was no way he would accept RC. I knew this would be a problem. He kept saying, "It's not like you have no one else to date. It's not like he's so perfect in every other regards that this can be overshadowed and overlooked. This is serious; I really didn't know RC has this problem."
I tried to play it off, that I was taking his advice in full stride, and said that I would keep that in mind when I'm evaluating RC as a whole for my future, thinking that he would back off because I was accepting what he was saying. That didn't seem to be good enough for him. His response was that I need to be more serious about this, that something like this just wouldn't work, and if I'm still just sitting around only "evaluating it" and "taking it into consideration", I'm wasting everyone's time (RC's and mine) and diminishing my chances to meet someone else.
I wanted to crawl through a hole. Here I was, sitting across the dinner table from RC, who is smiling at me and doodling things on his paper placemat to pass time as he listens to the "pretty words" I say in Chinese when I talk to my parents, completely oblivious to what I am talking about with my dad.
I felt really desolate, wondering why is it that nothing can be perfect. Just when I think I've found the perfect guy, something major is not right, makes it not work. I remember looking across the table at RC while my dad's going off on one of his rants, wondering how in the world I could ever tell that face that I can no longer be with him because my parents cannot accept him. Then I had to fake a smile, so as to not let on what I was really thinking.
RC's coming home with me for a few days over New Year's; we had talked about this for about a month now, and he just got his tickets this past week. When I originally told my mom about his situation last week, she asked me how bad of a limp was it when he walked. I remember telling her that she can see for herself when he comes to visit over New Year's.
Yesterday, my dad said "Whether or not he comes to visit is completely up to you guys, but you should think hard about if you want him to come as just a regular friend or as something more." That really sent shock pangs through me because I realized that if he had his way, he would want me to end things with RC asap, right now.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have my own reservations about RC's injuries that I was fighting with. The last thing I need right now is for my parents to add to that pressure. I want whatever decision I make to be my own, and not something that was encouraged by my parents. Lastly, if I choose to stay with RC, I don't want my parents to be disappointed in him.
I usually call my parents on Sundays, but this week, I called my dad yesterday (Saturday) because I knew he was going to leave today on a business trip. I was out eating Sushi with RC, having a great day, when I remembered that I should call my dad before he leaves. It was the usual mindless chit chat, but at one point, the conversation got serious. He said that mom had told him about RC's injuries.
The way he talked about it seemed like there was no way he would accept RC. I knew this would be a problem. He kept saying, "It's not like you have no one else to date. It's not like he's so perfect in every other regards that this can be overshadowed and overlooked. This is serious; I really didn't know RC has this problem."
I tried to play it off, that I was taking his advice in full stride, and said that I would keep that in mind when I'm evaluating RC as a whole for my future, thinking that he would back off because I was accepting what he was saying. That didn't seem to be good enough for him. His response was that I need to be more serious about this, that something like this just wouldn't work, and if I'm still just sitting around only "evaluating it" and "taking it into consideration", I'm wasting everyone's time (RC's and mine) and diminishing my chances to meet someone else.
I wanted to crawl through a hole. Here I was, sitting across the dinner table from RC, who is smiling at me and doodling things on his paper placemat to pass time as he listens to the "pretty words" I say in Chinese when I talk to my parents, completely oblivious to what I am talking about with my dad.
I felt really desolate, wondering why is it that nothing can be perfect. Just when I think I've found the perfect guy, something major is not right, makes it not work. I remember looking across the table at RC while my dad's going off on one of his rants, wondering how in the world I could ever tell that face that I can no longer be with him because my parents cannot accept him. Then I had to fake a smile, so as to not let on what I was really thinking.
RC's coming home with me for a few days over New Year's; we had talked about this for about a month now, and he just got his tickets this past week. When I originally told my mom about his situation last week, she asked me how bad of a limp was it when he walked. I remember telling her that she can see for herself when he comes to visit over New Year's.
Yesterday, my dad said "Whether or not he comes to visit is completely up to you guys, but you should think hard about if you want him to come as just a regular friend or as something more." That really sent shock pangs through me because I realized that if he had his way, he would want me to end things with RC asap, right now.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have my own reservations about RC's injuries that I was fighting with. The last thing I need right now is for my parents to add to that pressure. I want whatever decision I make to be my own, and not something that was encouraged by my parents. Lastly, if I choose to stay with RC, I don't want my parents to be disappointed in him.
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