HIM

I can't stop thinking about him. I sit here trying to get work done, trying to think about Broadway, but instead I just think back to how cute he looked when we got lunch yesterday. The beautiful smile, the witty jokes, the gray scarf ... staring into his eyes at the lunch where we agreed to talk as adults about what's going on between us.

To the average girl, I don't think he would stand out. Aside from being tall and slightly blonde (kept short in a crew cut), he has a plain face, wears glasses, keeps a scraggly beard, could lose a few pounds ... all in all, not a heart throb, just your average Joe. But I'm super attracted to him. I love the way he laughs, I love the look in his eyes when he looks at me, I love the shy smile he gives when we catch each other looking at each other across a big dinner table.

I love the way that he always makes me laugh.

I love that he's intelligent, an active thinker, a writer, a right-brain user, a bit of a space cadet but not too much, a clear idealist, but not too much to be unwilling to work for the man for a few years, buying time and saving to do what he's really passionate about. I love that he derives joy from the community around him, that he feeds off of the energy of others, of close friends, of valued relationships. I love that he is a good person, always aiming to do what's right.

He makes me question Broadway. Things that I previously couldn't wait to do with Broadway: take vacations together, get married, snuggle up next to him as we fall asleep, make babies, live out the rest of our lives ... all that have lost their luster as I see each activity as further evidence that I can't do these things with him. I muster up the energy in the mornings to call Broadway before he goes to sleep 13 hours behind in Boston, but it's not genuine excitement. I'm happy when Broadway doesn't want to talk because he's on the road to New York with his mother. I'm happy because I feel guilty talking to Broadway because I know I will be thinking about HIM the whole time.

I want to spend all of my time with him, but he's gone into self-preservation mode, and I can't blame him. He told me that his goal in this situation is not to get too hurt. He knows he will be hurt, especially when I leave Beijing in April, so all he can do is try to minimize the pain, so all he can do is refrain from seeing me too much.

He doesn't have to say anything, I know he wants to spend all of his time with me too. I know he doesn't because he is holding himself back. I know he needs to do that for himself. I understand, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to accept. I know that he's the good guy here who is doing this for both of us, but the selfish part of me wants him to throw all caution to the wind and just kiss me ... and more.

Yes, I'm thinking the unthinkable. I'm thinking the unthinkable about the engagement. How can I not when I feel such a connection with another person? I wouldn't be leaving Broadway for the obvious reason of wanting to be with another man, but I'd be leaving Broadway because my affections are so ethereal, so fickle, so unable to withstand the test of time. Is this new passion with someone else exciting because it's new? It's hard to remember the same level of passion with Broadway, but maybe it's just been too long, and my memory's clouded. I don't know if I should be marrying someone when I question these things.

Every day that passes is one day fewer that I'll get to see him. I leave Beijing in mid-April. That's 1 month and 3 weeks left. He leaves for Japan for a week (or two?) early March. That's 1 month and 2 weeks left. Each day he self-preserves is one day less that I can see him.

Beijing's not just another city anymore. It's the city that contains him.

I don't want to leave Beijing. I want all the time in the world to spend with him.

In trouble again

It's been a long time since I've noticed other men for more than platonic reasons. Broadway and I had a ton of ups and downs earlier in our relationship. I questioned being with him and compared him with lots of guys around me and wondered why I was with Broadway and not with these other men.

But for the past year, year and a half, we have been so happy and so content. It's not that I haven't met other men whom I've found physically attractive. I have, but I've hardly ever been attracted to their personalities. Now I compare Broadway to these men and thank the lord that I'm with Broadway, that he is real, that he is a good person, that he sees the world the way that he does. There's nothing wrong with these other attractive men, they're nice people, but they are not the kind of people I want to spend the rest of my life with.

For the past week or so though, I've developed a deeper connection with someone. The same things that draw me to Broadway draw me to this guy, and I'm reminded of emotional cheating. Even if you aren't actually cheating physically, the emotional longing still feels wrong. Unlike physical cheating where you can stop yourself, emotional longing doesn't feel as controllable. How do I stop the emotional connection I feel with someone?

This guy knows about Broadway and knows that we are engaged. He says it's the most frustrating unrequited love ever. It's not technically unrequited, just impossible.