parents

Relationship with the 'rents have been extremely down lately. I call my parents once a week, on Sundays. Sometimes we talk for a long time; other times it's a mere minute or two just to say hi, to check in. About three weeks ago, I had a really long conversation with my parents. This was maybe just a couple of week or so after my laying it out for my mom why RC and I broke up. I laid out for my mom how the biggest reason I am in grad school was for them (which is partially true), and how I really don't want to be in school, and school and research in general make me unhappy.

She seemed really surprised, asking me "But, I thought you wanted to go to grad school." *sigh* Such ignorance and injustice. That pretty much opened up all the flood gates, and I proceeded to tell her that she and dad never listened to what I wanted.

She used to always ask me "Why wouldn't you go to grad school? Why wouldn't you try to get the highest degree you can?" Errr .... maybe because getting degrees isn't like picking out apples at the supermarket? Even when I had four job offers on hand my fourth year in college, when I told them that I didn't want to apply to grad schools anymore, that I want to take one of the job offers and just see how I feel about school in a couple of years, their response was that I can't let go of the opportunity of grad school. If I don't even apply, I won't have that door open for me, and especially since I'd always wanted to go to grad school (a sentiment they forced on me). *sigh* Such ignorant bullshit.

At one point, I remember telling my mom about my thoughts of going with one of the consulting job offers and going to business school after a couple of years or so. She seemed okay with the idea, but her first question was "How does an MBA compare to a PhD? Are they at the same level?" All she cared about was the level of education I needed to attain, not the practicality of it. After my dad told her that a MBA is a MASTERS degree, god forbid, she decided that MBAs were no good because they weren't PhDs.

Her next project was to get me to get a finance/management PhD. "Why go just for the MBA? Why not get the PhD?" Errrr .... maybe because the only reason you get a PhD is if you want to teach and do research in finance, and I wouldn't NEED a PhD to be a banker. She is so ignorant, yet so insistent on what she feels is the pinnacle of education: the highest degree possible, the elusive doctorate.

Throughout my phone conversation with her, what my mom just couldn't seem to fathom was how this could possibly be? She was flabbergasted that I never told them before that I didn't really want to go to grad school, and how can this be true when I've never told them before? I never told them because I didn't want to get more lectures about how I've strayed from the path of education and knowledge. Whenever I questioned grad school, they always asked me because how I can be content with just a B.S. when I know there is MORE out there? They are blinded by the status of a PhD.

So now my relationship with my parents are a bit strained. I feel awkward talking to them. I figure time will help, because no matter what happens, they're still my parents. However, given this and the conversation about RC, I just feel much less willing to talk to them about things. They think about problems in a completely different light than I do, and theirs isn't necessarily helpful. It's too conservative, too ignorant.

And yet another part of me feels terrible for having brought about this rift between me and my parents. I don't want to resent them, and I don't want them to know that I resent them. *sigh* So it turns out that my parents are typical Asian parents after all: they simply can't let go and allow me to make my own decisions.

Crying about Key

You know, I really thought I was over that shit, done, no more. Key tells me he's uncomfortable talking to me, but he does want me to be happy. I'm curious as to why he's uncomfortable, but not curious enough to write him back. Now it's been some two or three months later, and I still haven't wrote him back, nor talked to him at all. I really thought I was done.

But here I go again crying about him. Sunday, he graduated law school. Not a peep from him, not even a "hey, I graduated, here's my new information". Nothing. Maybe I'm expecting too much; maybe it's still too early to send out new contact information emails. I just keep envisioning/daydreaming situations in which he and I will meet again (maybe a mutual friend visiting town), and he will see how fabulous I look and how incredibly stable I am and just how fun and happy I am, all without him in my life. Then I cry at the irony of my wanting him to see my stability without him, right after I cried about him graduating law school. Yes, I am incredibly stable right now.

It doesn't help that GB's been sick with this mysterious disease that no one can diagnose, and whose only symptoms are a low fever and a massive headache. He's been like this since last Wednesday. At first I was supportive and there for him and fed him soup and told him "awww baby, I just want you to get better." But after a whole five days of that with no inkling of him getting better, I started to get annoyed. Partially because GB was getting whinier by the minute, partially because it was just a crappy rainy weekend and Key was graduating on Sunday.

The whole being against social conventions thing is starting to grate on my nerves too. At one point, GB said that he'd take me to a nice restaurant if I get x, y, and z done this week. Already annoyed, I asked him what he meant by a nice restaurant, and that started a whole argument (he called it a discussion) about our differences and how I like fancy restaurants, but his definition of nice is somewhere that's not the local Chili's.

This didn't help the crying over Key, because Key was always so good about wanting to get all dressed up and taking me out some place nice. Sure, he always did it for my birthday, or Valentine's Day, or an anniversary, but sometimes he'd just do it for fun. GB would never do that, not even for special occasions like my birthday. He told me that I should go do things I like with my friends, like go with them to fancy restaurants if that's what I really want to do. But come on, nice restaurants are meant to be shared with that special someone :(

i think this is how easy it's supposed to be

My recreational ultimate team has our league tournament coming up this weekend. It's always an all-day affair. I mentioned it to GB last night (Gchat Boy, or Great Britain, depending on your fancy), and half-jokingly asked in a cutesy way, "Do you wanna come be a spectator at my tournament?"

To my surprise, he very automatically said "Yeah, definitely, I'll come to your tournament." I then tried to deter him with all kinds of potential hurdles: "well, it's all day", "well, it's not in the city", "well, you have to drive a ways out there".

Still with no hesitation, no wishy-washyness, he rejected all my hurdles. So easy. He just wants to come out and support me in something that I love to do.

This reminds me of two years ago when I did my first triathlon. I asked Key if he would come cheer on me and my relay team. His first reaction was "Why? What am I going to do there? I'm just going to stand there on the side of the street looking like an idiot waiting for the one split second your teammates run by."

I think GB's reaction is the way that it should be. I shouldn't be fighting to get the support of someone who claims to love me.

redefining the DTR

Having played the dating game too much, I wait in line for the society-decided conventional signs of showing interest, just so that I can return the same signs in female form to show my own interest, and the game goes back and forth, except it's not really a game but something both sides have rehearsed numerous times.

Gchat Boy defies all convention: dating convention, social convention (well, he does the basic stuff), life convention, all convention. No surprise then, that there was no DTR--Define The Relationship--conversation between us. What surprised me more was my acceptance of this, me being the control freak that I am who must know exactly where things stand, where things are going, whether or not we're exclusive.

Without discussing any of that, we sort of just fell into a groove, and at some point, he said "my girlfriend", and that was that.