Our long-weekend, short ski vacation was awesome, though I started getting sick Saturday night. We still went out for a few hours on Sunday, which probably was bad decision-making on my part.
Maybe it's the cold, maybe it's the contrast between work and vacation, maybe it's that things with Broadway have been so smooth lately, whatever the cause, every since getting back, I have been agonizing over something I haven't thought about seriously in a while.
This is really hard for me to admit. A while back, I did admit it. I wrote about it in anonymous bloggerland, but then deleted the entry after a couple of months because even the anonymous association was too hard for me to accept.
The quick story is that once upon a time, I cheated on Broadway.
I mentioned loathing the Doctor ever since June. Well, last June was when he and I slept together during a conference we both went to, two months after I had started dating Broadway. Doctor was also dating someone new at the time.
Broadway and I started dating in late March, and by early June, I was already at an extreme low with our relationship. In May, Broadway contracted a mysterious illness, basically a flu that never went away. He moaned and sniffed and downed Motrin and dragged his feet and stayed depressed while in bed day after day after day. At first I was helpful and sympathetic, but after some three weeks of this, I was pretty tired of everything. I desperately wanted out, yet couldn't bring myself to leave Broadway while he was still sick.
Enter the Doctor at the conference. He pushed. And pushed and pushed. He held my hand. He touched my leg under the table during dinner. He put his arm around me. He hugged me. He'd touch me at the small of my back ... and the kissing. At first, he kissed me on my forehead, but he was always pushing for more.
I was to blame also, of course. I didn't push him away or even really discourage him. I vowed that I wouldn't kiss him, so I never returned his kisses and wouldn't let him kiss me on the mouth, but I never stopped him from touching me.
Everything he did, he did the way an affectionate boyfriend would do, something Broadway hadn't done in a while
The Doctor and I had a very sexual relationship, and I definitely thought back to that during the conference. I even thought back to that before the conference, during the low times I had with Broadway. All of the temptations and tensions were there at that conference.
And then the Doctor asked me on the second night of the conference if I would sleep with him in his bed.
"We won't do anything," he said, "but I just want to hold you one last time." I stupidly agreed ... and what happened, happened.
Afterwards, he asked me whether or not I would tell Broadway. I asked him if he planned on telling his new girl. He said no because he saw nothing long-term with her, so why bring her that pain?
He asked me if I saw a future with Broadway. I said no, which was honest. He then told me that because I saw no future with Broadway, I didn't have to tell him. The Doctor said that he was absolutely okay with everything that happened because he knew for sure that he loves me more than the new girl. I said I was not okay with everything and ran out of the room.
I never told Broadway after getting back. He also got over his illness shortly after that. We went along with our relationship, and the whole episode with the Doctor faded.
It bothered me that I never seemed to feel the level of emotional guilt that I logically knew I should have felt. It bothered me that I would feel okay enough to not even think that much about it.
Until now.
With all of our relationship ups and downs, this whole month of January has been superb for Broadway and me. I am really starting to understand him and love him for the very things that annoyed me before, the things that made me doubt my future with him.
Which brings me back to the question that Doctor asked me. Do I see Broadway in my future? And now I do.
Because of that, he deserves to know what I did. He deserves to have the choice of being with me given all of the information. He deserves my being honest with him.
I know that I need to tell him, but I don't know how. I don't know how to explain why I waited so long before saying anything. I don't know how to ask him to forgive me. I don't know if I can forgive myself. I am mad at the Doctor for being as pushy as he was. I am mad at myself for having given in so easily to temptation.
I am most afraid that Broadway will never be able to forgive me. But I know that is more reason that I must tell him. I did what I did, and I screwed up our relationship last June. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I buried this forever.
This is all that I can think about for the last couple of days. I need to tell Broadway. I just don't know how. I know he will leave me, and I need him.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
things that made me happy this week
Last week was hard. I felt pulled in so many different directions, and had to deal with multiple difficult people along the way, which made me wonder about myself again. I once skimmed through a "How to work with difficult people" book during a layover at an airport, and the last point the book made was that maybe I'm the difficult person. Think about it ... if I always feel that I am working with difficult people, perhaps I am the root of the problem?
Anyway, this week's no better, but a couple of things in the past few days made me plenty happy:
1) I made some stir-fry udon noodles Monday night, enough for Broadway and I to both bring lunch yesterday and today. The noodles were an experiment; I've never made them before. It took longer cutting up all the chicken into thin strips than anything else, but it turned out all really delicious. All of this made me happy because it's one step in the right direction of managing my finances. Broadway and I always buy our lunches, which on cheap days still costs around $6 + drink, and on expensive days can be more than $10. That's a pretty significant monthly expense, and with our budgets, it's just stupid planning. We shouldn't buy lunch every day, but I've never managed to get my act together enough to bring something. So making lunch this week felt like a major accomplishment.
2) A friend has owns some pretty professional snow gear maintenance tools. He invited me over last night to use the equipment to tune my snowboard. It took about an hour total, and he laughed at me for being a boarder and accordingly having to wax such a large surface area (his skis took only a few minutes, but he had to do two of them). The whole process was really rather therapeutic. We had the radio blasting, and I went nuts filing and re-filing my edges to make sure they were sharp, and scraping and re-scraping the bottom to get all the excess wax out. Sure, it takes a few seconds in the shop with those great big waxing machines, but where's the satisfaction in that? :)
Broadway and I, along with a couple of friends, are going skiing this weekend. We leave tomorrow afternoon and have a 3-day lift and lodging package. I can't wait to get out of here, away from everything.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
smallest of all small worlds
The guy who sits next to me at work is one of those people who constantly feels the need to prove something for fear of appearing inferior otherwise. He treats every social situation as a contest of wit, always needing to one-up the last person's joke or comment with some biting flourish of his own. Rarely is this funny. Mostly it's just awkward.
He is extremely uptight. Last week, he completely lost it when he couldn't find his magnet. Yes, his magnet. He went storming off to our area manager demanding to know why things were moved without his knowledge or approval.
He has extensive in-depth knowledge about the most worthless things in the world, like how many times a baseball spins on average between leaving the pitcher's hand and connecting with the bat. He takes every opportunity to share facts like this with others, namely me and our 4 additional officemates.
He listens to baseball games through headphones when he's working on his computer. A while back, he suggested that our office pick a team to unite on and root for. We can even listen to their games together and cheer them on in the office. I did not mince my words when I said absolutely not.
Broadway and I joke that his penis is so small, it is negative.
Amazingly, Negative Penis is looking for a new job.
Amazingly, he knocked on the door of Broadway's college-roommate-slash-best-friend's firm.
Amazingly, in his eagerness to make everything a contest in which he has the lead, he reveals this fact to Broadway during happy hour last Friday evening after work.
Not so amazingly for Negative Penis, he didn't know Broadway's connection to the firm.
The backstory here is that the firm has gone through a recent split. Three of the six partners, seen as the smarter and more capable half, left to start their own competing firm. They invited a few people along from the old place, including Broadway's college roommate.
From what Broadway and I could piece together, it seemed that Negative Penis had submitted his resume to the old firm sometime not long before this split happened, and had had a phone interview with someone who evidently took a liking to him. This person also went along to the new firm after the split, then alerted Negative Penis of the situation and advised him to resubmit his resume to the new place.
Negative Penis told us the gist of this story during happy hour to show off how much he was liked and pursued by this firm, to the degree that someone would alert him of the politics and invite him to reapply at the new and better place. In not so many words, NP basically said that the job was in the bag.
A quick phone call to college roommate later, Broadway successfully blocked any chance that NP had getting an interview at the new firm.
We basked in the glory and satisfaction of vigilante justice.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
job options bust
I've been thinking hard about taking some time off from my current job to try something else, and had applied for a pretty out there option. Today, I got news that the job is a no-go. The position is no longer available, but I wondered if that was just an euphemism for "We weren't impressed".
Right before Thanksgiving, I set up an appointment with a non-profit in town who helps college students find summer internships in China. The guy I met with said he could help me, too. Indeed, my flexibility of not being restricted to work during the summer may actually be a plus over the college kids.
He also made everything seem so possible and in-the-bag. He had the perfect position in mind for me given my interests and background, and that he would contact the employer ASAP. I walked out of his office whistling, so ecstatic that my dream of working in China would actually come true.
Today, almost two months later, he emailed me to say that position was no longer available.
And during those two months, I didn't look for anything else.
I feel so stupid at my own naivete. I know better than to count on one source, even if the guy's a excellent salesman who so convincingly told me that he would get me the job. I knew better than to stop looking for a job right after starting the search just because this non-profit was offering me my dream of working in China.
During those two months, several deadlines had passed for fellowships I would have potentially applied for. I let them all go, thinking each time, "Why do I need this? Mr. Non-Profit is getting me a job in China."
Getting the news today was devastating. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. Would a few months on a job really help to advance my career next year? Would I even be able to find something that would fit me and where I want to advance?
Why do I want to leave my current cushy job to try something else in the middle of my contract?
I'm just so sad that the non-profit let me down. I feel misled, lied to even. I simply had my hopes up too high.
Right before Thanksgiving, I set up an appointment with a non-profit in town who helps college students find summer internships in China. The guy I met with said he could help me, too. Indeed, my flexibility of not being restricted to work during the summer may actually be a plus over the college kids.
He also made everything seem so possible and in-the-bag. He had the perfect position in mind for me given my interests and background, and that he would contact the employer ASAP. I walked out of his office whistling, so ecstatic that my dream of working in China would actually come true.
Today, almost two months later, he emailed me to say that position was no longer available.
And during those two months, I didn't look for anything else.
I feel so stupid at my own naivete. I know better than to count on one source, even if the guy's a excellent salesman who so convincingly told me that he would get me the job. I knew better than to stop looking for a job right after starting the search just because this non-profit was offering me my dream of working in China.
During those two months, several deadlines had passed for fellowships I would have potentially applied for. I let them all go, thinking each time, "Why do I need this? Mr. Non-Profit is getting me a job in China."
Getting the news today was devastating. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. Would a few months on a job really help to advance my career next year? Would I even be able to find something that would fit me and where I want to advance?
Why do I want to leave my current cushy job to try something else in the middle of my contract?
I'm just so sad that the non-profit let me down. I feel misled, lied to even. I simply had my hopes up too high.
Friday, January 11, 2008
the Economics of BookMooch
I joined BookMooch on a whim while sitting on my butt at home over the holidays. It's a book-swap program where you mail books you have to people, and they mail you books they have.
It seemed like such a good idea at the time, as I had always wished my books would get more use than my once read-through. It also seemed like a cheaper (free) way to get books than buying them at the bookstore at $10-20 a pop.
Yesterday, I sent off my first batch of books, all three of them, to Illinois, Washington, and Florida. That's when I stopped to think about the actual economics of BookMooch, and no matter how I thought about it, I lost out.
Mailing the books cost me about $12: the Post Office charged me $1.39 + tax per envelope for the books, and I mailed them Media Rate (lower than First Class) at $2.31 each.
So basically, instead of allowing those three books to continue sitting on my shelf, I paid $12 to send them to complete strangers.
So you're probably asking, well, I get books sent to me too from others, right? Well, theoretically. Doing a quick search for five books I wanted to read, I found only one. Additionally, the whole site is based on a point system. You get a point for sending a book, and it charges you a point to request a book. So in the end, the cost of shipping a book is essentially what I pay to get the next book, provided that it's even available in the first place.
Compare that to Amazon: most paperbacks I can get ~$7, and if I order a few of them at a time, I get the free Super-Saver shipping. That's only $3 more than my shipping off my own books to BookMoochers. Not only do I have an infinite selection with Amazon, but I also get the books new with zero hassle on my part.
Ugh, I have three points from the three books I sent, so I will find three books to request if it kills me. After that, I am done with BookMooch.
It seemed like such a good idea at the time, as I had always wished my books would get more use than my once read-through. It also seemed like a cheaper (free) way to get books than buying them at the bookstore at $10-20 a pop.
Yesterday, I sent off my first batch of books, all three of them, to Illinois, Washington, and Florida. That's when I stopped to think about the actual economics of BookMooch, and no matter how I thought about it, I lost out.
Mailing the books cost me about $12: the Post Office charged me $1.39 + tax per envelope for the books, and I mailed them Media Rate (lower than First Class) at $2.31 each.
So basically, instead of allowing those three books to continue sitting on my shelf, I paid $12 to send them to complete strangers.
So you're probably asking, well, I get books sent to me too from others, right? Well, theoretically. Doing a quick search for five books I wanted to read, I found only one. Additionally, the whole site is based on a point system. You get a point for sending a book, and it charges you a point to request a book. So in the end, the cost of shipping a book is essentially what I pay to get the next book, provided that it's even available in the first place.
Compare that to Amazon: most paperbacks I can get ~$7, and if I order a few of them at a time, I get the free Super-Saver shipping. That's only $3 more than my shipping off my own books to BookMoochers. Not only do I have an infinite selection with Amazon, but I also get the books new with zero hassle on my part.
Ugh, I have three points from the three books I sent, so I will find three books to request if it kills me. After that, I am done with BookMooch.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
the first day that wasn't
Today was to be my first day back at work in 2008.
Except I chickened out of it. I called in sick this morning.
The thought had crossed my mind last night before I set my alarm right before bed. "Hey, I can probably just call in sick tomorrow". When the alarm did go off this morning, I didn't think twice. I picked up the phone and called in sick. I then buried my head in my pillow and slept until 2pm.
Which is all really shameful. Everyone else is back, which means that my desk is for sure noticeably empty. Besides, who calls in sick on their planned first day back at work? They've got to know I lied about that one.
For whatever reason, the prospect of returning to work is still too much for me to handle, especially in the early morning when my decision-making process is heavily muddled by sleep deprivation. All in all, I just couldn't bring myself to go back to work this morning. I didn't want to face up to the fact that vacation is over, that time relaxing at home is over.
When will I ever grow out of this reluctance to face reality, to face responsibilities?
In other news, I did go to frisbee practice today for my competitive all-women's team, the one I don't really like. I usually talk myself out of going to practice by saying I have too much work, which I couldn't exactly do today. I also felt that lying about my health for a second time in one day may be a bit much (my madness does stop somewhere, who knew?).
I am glad I forced myself to go to practice. It brought some motivation to my bones. Going was evidence that I still can be a normal functioning human being who is not entirely consumed by the couch. It's evidence that I still do have some level of resolve and self-control.
We grow up hating our parents for making us do things we don't want to do, and we vow with all our naive might that as soon as we're old enough, we're going to stop listening to our parents and eat all the ice cream in the world and never do any of our homework.
Unfortunately, as soon as we're old enough, we realize that the world doesn't quite spin like that. My mental block on going back to work, and subquently calling in sick, is really evidence of my still inability to be act like an adult and face up to the reality that I can't just refuse to do things that I don't want to do.
Thus, it was nice to know that at the end of the day, I did manage to act somewhat my age and went to practice without so much as a tantrum.
I need all the positive-reinforcement that I can get. Even if it's all just in my own head.
Except I chickened out of it. I called in sick this morning.
The thought had crossed my mind last night before I set my alarm right before bed. "Hey, I can probably just call in sick tomorrow". When the alarm did go off this morning, I didn't think twice. I picked up the phone and called in sick. I then buried my head in my pillow and slept until 2pm.
Which is all really shameful. Everyone else is back, which means that my desk is for sure noticeably empty. Besides, who calls in sick on their planned first day back at work? They've got to know I lied about that one.
For whatever reason, the prospect of returning to work is still too much for me to handle, especially in the early morning when my decision-making process is heavily muddled by sleep deprivation. All in all, I just couldn't bring myself to go back to work this morning. I didn't want to face up to the fact that vacation is over, that time relaxing at home is over.
When will I ever grow out of this reluctance to face reality, to face responsibilities?
In other news, I did go to frisbee practice today for my competitive all-women's team, the one I don't really like. I usually talk myself out of going to practice by saying I have too much work, which I couldn't exactly do today. I also felt that lying about my health for a second time in one day may be a bit much (my madness does stop somewhere, who knew?).
I am glad I forced myself to go to practice. It brought some motivation to my bones. Going was evidence that I still can be a normal functioning human being who is not entirely consumed by the couch. It's evidence that I still do have some level of resolve and self-control.
We grow up hating our parents for making us do things we don't want to do, and we vow with all our naive might that as soon as we're old enough, we're going to stop listening to our parents and eat all the ice cream in the world and never do any of our homework.
Unfortunately, as soon as we're old enough, we realize that the world doesn't quite spin like that. My mental block on going back to work, and subquently calling in sick, is really evidence of my still inability to be act like an adult and face up to the reality that I can't just refuse to do things that I don't want to do.
Thus, it was nice to know that at the end of the day, I did manage to act somewhat my age and went to practice without so much as a tantrum.
I need all the positive-reinforcement that I can get. Even if it's all just in my own head.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
time to be responsible
I fly back tomorrow and start work again on Monday, after having spent almost two weeks with my parents. Sadly, there will be no more sleeping in until noon, no more staying up until 3/4/5am, no more daily blogging, no more reading books all day long, no more lounging on the couch surfing the web (doing absolutely nothing), no more peace and solitude, and no more time with my parents for another 11.5 months.
Most of all, I will miss the relative disconnectivity with the rest of the world that I've had, being able to isolate myself yet be someplace completely familiar and comfortable, being able to fill my days 100% with the people and things that I care about.
Obligations, difficult people, and general uninvited mayhem dilute out so much of the rest of the year, it's nice to shirk off responsibilities for a couple of weeks. With most everyone else also taking time off from work during the holidays, there really aren't even any consequences.
People are generally forgiving about reponse delays, and the chances of having to do any crisis management upon returning are low. I'm not in my usual stress-manic state returning from vacation.
Most uplifting of all, there won't be an overflowing inbox welcoming me back Monday morning. I feel better already :)
Most of all, I will miss the relative disconnectivity with the rest of the world that I've had, being able to isolate myself yet be someplace completely familiar and comfortable, being able to fill my days 100% with the people and things that I care about.
Obligations, difficult people, and general uninvited mayhem dilute out so much of the rest of the year, it's nice to shirk off responsibilities for a couple of weeks. With most everyone else also taking time off from work during the holidays, there really aren't even any consequences.
People are generally forgiving about reponse delays, and the chances of having to do any crisis management upon returning are low. I'm not in my usual stress-manic state returning from vacation.
Most uplifting of all, there won't be an overflowing inbox welcoming me back Monday morning. I feel better already :)
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
beyond shock, beyond shame
I have no idea how to put into words my current degree of shock ...
People in my life, in all of our lives, come and go all the time, but we inevitably make an effort to hold on to the good ones. Most people do anyway. Lately, I have made no effort at all and indeed have probably made negative effort. I had (am still having) a record of blatantly ignoring old friends simply because I don't want to deal with catch-up small-talk.
Facebook delivered a add-friend request to me today, from one of my best friends in high school, but with whom I had kinda lost touch in the last 3-4 years. Last time I saw her, I was sleeping on her couch during Homecoming weekend at my alma mater (she went there for med school after college). Last I talked to her, over email, was sometime after the couch-bumming. She was pestering me because it was less than two weeks to her wedding, I hadn't RSVPed, and her parents needed to know the final numbers.
To be honest, I don't actually even remember if the couch-sleeping and the wedding happened in the same year.
I do remember emailing her back with regrets for the wedding, and that I gritted my teeth and included in the same email some obligatory, but empty-intentioned, "how are things?", "haven't heard from you in a while", "you have to tell me about Mark [fiance]", "talk to you soon."
She didn't write back, and I wrote it all off without much thought. "Oh well, I'm sure I'll call her next time I'm at my alma mater." I didn't...
Fast forward to today's (this year's) shocker: when I sifted through her Facebook profile, looking at pictures of the man she captioned "my hubby", I realized that she, in fact, DID NOT MARRY MARK.
I do not recognize her husband at all. Worst of all, I have absolutely no recollection of this whole relationship transition. She comes from a conservative Indian family, and Mark was a white guy, but I remember her saying that her parents were fine with her marrying Mark. They just wished that he'd go ahead and get going with proposing since he had already been dating her for three years at that time. When she announced that she had gotten engaged, I seem to remember even feeling relief that Mark had proposed and that her parents would finally probably stop fretting and nagging.
Except. She. Didn't. Marry. Mark.
Not only was I a bad friend for not going to her wedding, not only was I a complete bitch to not even RSVP on time, not only was I terrible for not calling/writing to see how she was doing after the wedding (or anytime after, period) ...
Not only all of that ... but I had thought she was married to a completely different guy for the entire past two years (three? I don't remember!). I don't know how to begin to describe the new friendship-low that I just sank to.
How could I have missed this? How could I have not known?? Not even a clue??
I am so ashamed. I am beyond ashamed.
I can't even bring myself to reciprocate her facebook friend request.
People in my life, in all of our lives, come and go all the time, but we inevitably make an effort to hold on to the good ones. Most people do anyway. Lately, I have made no effort at all and indeed have probably made negative effort. I had (am still having) a record of blatantly ignoring old friends simply because I don't want to deal with catch-up small-talk.
Facebook delivered a add-friend request to me today, from one of my best friends in high school, but with whom I had kinda lost touch in the last 3-4 years. Last time I saw her, I was sleeping on her couch during Homecoming weekend at my alma mater (she went there for med school after college). Last I talked to her, over email, was sometime after the couch-bumming. She was pestering me because it was less than two weeks to her wedding, I hadn't RSVPed, and her parents needed to know the final numbers.
To be honest, I don't actually even remember if the couch-sleeping and the wedding happened in the same year.
I do remember emailing her back with regrets for the wedding, and that I gritted my teeth and included in the same email some obligatory, but empty-intentioned, "how are things?", "haven't heard from you in a while", "you have to tell me about Mark [fiance]", "talk to you soon."
She didn't write back, and I wrote it all off without much thought. "Oh well, I'm sure I'll call her next time I'm at my alma mater." I didn't...
Fast forward to today's (this year's) shocker: when I sifted through her Facebook profile, looking at pictures of the man she captioned "my hubby", I realized that she, in fact, DID NOT MARRY MARK.
I do not recognize her husband at all. Worst of all, I have absolutely no recollection of this whole relationship transition. She comes from a conservative Indian family, and Mark was a white guy, but I remember her saying that her parents were fine with her marrying Mark. They just wished that he'd go ahead and get going with proposing since he had already been dating her for three years at that time. When she announced that she had gotten engaged, I seem to remember even feeling relief that Mark had proposed and that her parents would finally probably stop fretting and nagging.
Except. She. Didn't. Marry. Mark.
Not only was I a bad friend for not going to her wedding, not only was I a complete bitch to not even RSVP on time, not only was I terrible for not calling/writing to see how she was doing after the wedding (or anytime after, period) ...
Not only all of that ... but I had thought she was married to a completely different guy for the entire past two years (three? I don't remember!). I don't know how to begin to describe the new friendship-low that I just sank to.
How could I have missed this? How could I have not known?? Not even a clue??
I am so ashamed. I am beyond ashamed.
I can't even bring myself to reciprocate her facebook friend request.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
weddings & bridesmaids ... oh yeah, and the new year
Two friends got engaged over the holidays, one last night on New Year's Eve. I didn't even know this was a popular time of the year to get a rock. I think I'm on the short list for bridesmaids this time around ... but no need to get my hopes up (wait, I WANT to be a bridesmaid?). It's only the short list.
In other New Year's related news ... heard on "New Year's Rockin' Eve" last night:
Ryan Seacrest: I'm now here with the mayor Michael Bloomberg and his ... friend
(camera pans to Bloomberg with an attractive, but VERY YOUNG girl )
Michael Bloomberg: (cough) This here, this here is my daughter, Ryan. My daughter, Georgina.
Seacrest: Oh my! Your daughter! Georgina! How are you, Georgina?
Definintely hilarious. Tact-full/less? You decide :)
Also, Earth to Seacrest: Encyclopedia Brown called: he wants his sleuth weathervane back.
In other New Year's related news ... heard on "New Year's Rockin' Eve" last night:
Ryan Seacrest: I'm now here with the mayor Michael Bloomberg and his ... friend
(camera pans to Bloomberg with an attractive, but VERY YOUNG girl )
Michael Bloomberg: (cough) This here, this here is my daughter, Ryan. My daughter, Georgina.
Seacrest: Oh my! Your daughter! Georgina! How are you, Georgina?
Definintely hilarious. Tact-full/less? You decide :)
Also, Earth to Seacrest: Encyclopedia Brown called: he wants his sleuth weathervane back.
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