negative thoughts

The negative thoughts started when Broadway and I were still down in the tropics. Inexplicably, the things he did or said made me angry. Inevitably, he was in a mood to joke, and I was not and felt his jokes were incredibly not funny, inappropriate, and generally old news.

Upon returning, my patience with him has remained thin. Just about every comment he makes in jest has me seriously rolling my eyes. He has a habit of reading signs he sees and pronouncing them in immature ways. It's hard to explain what exactly grates on my nerves about these pronunciations: it's not the immaturity. I think my annoyance stems from his cynicism and inability to appreciate things that others do, and from his self-righteous feeling that he has a right (and need) to contort everything he deems "intellectually inferior" into something that he can then make fun of.

For example, we saw a sign on Saturday for a small, specialized lawyer while stopped at a stop light. Admittedly, the sign was huge, with the guy's name blasted across the entire marquee above the entryway. The guy's last name was Kokoras, and Broadway started laughing hysterically and loudly and very obnoxiously, said "Wow, that guy's name is Cock or Ass".

Again, it wasn't the immaturity that bothered me. It was the tone with which he said it, and that had the name been on a plaque outside a college professor's office, Broadway may not have made the same comment.

I see nothing wrong with a small time lawyer putting out a huge lighted sign to advertise his services. It is a bit tacky, but everyone makes their living their own way. The source of Broadway's immaturity Saturday was his innate disrespect for this type of profession. To him, anything less of a noble academic career at an Ivy League university is a waste of time and a disgrace to society.

To Broadway, jobs in the financial sector (consultants, bankers) are worthless, and these people add no value to society. Not that I am defending bankers in their indulgent lifestyles, but they do support the economy and the stock market. To Broadway, however, the stock market is just one big made up ploy to oppress the common man, and bankers and consultants are made self-important.

This level of cynicism about the world permeates into just about everything Broadway does and says. It's his entire outlook on his life. I've struggled with this mentality of his ever since the beginning of our relationship, and dealing with it better at times than now. My patience particularly breaks down when the target of his cynicism are things that I place value in: southerners (he generalizes all to be conservative, ignorant, and poorly educated), Disney World (it's just the commercial manifestation of white rich people continuing to brainwash their white rich kids), the quiet of surburban America (too restrictive, homogenous, and self-absorbed).

I don't disagree with his points. There are definitely elements of Disney World that we all wish weren't there: we all sorta moan at the melodrama of magic and fantasy and especially wish that it weren't so commercialized. But Disney World was a treat for me as a kid, and I'd want my kids to have that same treat. He has already stauchily put his foot down that no child of his will ever go to Disney World. I'm afraid that he wants his kids raised in some kind of socialist commune.

This last week or so has probably been the worst for me in terms of dealing with his outlooks on life. I am tired of them all, and I am tired of trying to mellow out his cynicsm. I know deep down that trying to change him is a bad starting point for our relationship (any relationship), and that I need to accept him for the person he is. Additionally, mellowing out his cynicism about white, middle-class, suburban America would be, in his mind, turning his back on his value system. He would never give up his value system, and it is not right for me to want him to.

I just wish he weren't so cynical.

When I am good, I see the greatness in his cynicism. I admire how real he is, and how he really does try to look through this pretentious outer layer clouding the world around us to see the things underneath that truly matter: not money, not status, but nobility of heart and intention, and being a truly good person. I appreciate his opening my eyes to some of the pretentiousness that I used to gloss over no questions asked, but at the same time, I envy my old ability to just accept without automatically questioning something's value.

I feel that I have become an even more judgmental person through this relationship with Broadway. In some ways, I've gotten more humble in that the very things of status that I used to admire now hold little weight in my mind (a good thing). However, that's come at a cost of my now jumping to judge others' desire for that status, which I seem to pick out more and more frequently in the people around me.

In a way, I'm now just as bad as Broadway. I now hold my own "humble" virtues as my claim to status, so this whole change in perspective has just invoked the biggest hypocrisy of all. My previous regard for social/financial status has now been supplanted onto my emphasis on"noble persona" status. I judge everyone around me for their minute showings of pretentiousness and desire for financial gain, and I preach my own views of the importance of "nobility of character".

I hate this feeling of being above others in cases like this, and I feel that my rejection of financial and social status is somewhat fake. It is me trying to be someone whom I am not but think I should be. It is good to think that money and small talk and cocktail parties are things that I'm not attracted to, but I don't think I gained this perspective in a healthy way.

This past week, these negative thoughts about myself have surged, and all of them have been funneled into resentment toward Broadway for influencing my thinking over the past year or so. I know that's not necessarily fair, but every time I sense in him the slightest bit of cynicism, my thoughts spiral into all these negative things. As a result, I have absolutely no patience for him.

All of this has been made worse by my seeing a couple of successful relationships this week (friends from the past visiting). I have gotten irrationally jealous of those girls for having snagged the perfect, non-depressed boyfriends/fiances/husbands who have a net optimism about life. I'm also being haunted with "what ifs", specifically with regards to the other guy whom pursued me around this time last year when things started with Broadway ...