I can't think about anything else

THE Ex got engaged. I found out today while talking to a mutual friend of ours from college. He proposed a couple of weeks ago.

Just last post, I was talking about how bitter I get thinking about our relationship now. For whatever reason, I've been thinking about things with him a lot lately (some kind of weird premonition that he would get engaged??). As I mentioned last time, I think it was all spawned by the lack of anything from him on my birthday (all I would want is an email).

I can go on and on and on with the list of things during our time together that I now realize were signs that he just wasn't that into me. During the relationship, I made excuse after excuse for him because he made the excuses for himself (I'm busy; we're in school; my brother's not married yet; my mother's going through hard times). Now, I just get pissed off thinking about how he never faced his questions about our relationship because it was easier to not question. I get pissed off that he strung me along, making me believe that we were it for each other.

So how do I feel about him getting engaged? I don't know. If I were to really sit down and unbiasedly think about it now, I know deep down that we would have never worked. The religious differences were too great. It probably was the only problem that really stood between us, but it was too overwhelming of a problem. His now fiance is super Christian religious, so in that sense, I'm happy for him. I'm glad that he found someone who shares his faith. I just hate the fact that the girl he dated right after me was the one he ended up marrying.

So why can't I stop think about the fact that he's now engaged? I don't know. Part of it is for whatever sick reason, I want to know every excruciating detail. How did he propose? I know that whatever he did would have been so incredibly sweet and romantic. What is she like? I've never met her. What kind of ring did he get for her? That's something he always was quite progressive about, for a guy ... He knew that the ring can matter.

So I don't know. Is it the engagement itself that bothers me? I don't think so. I think there is a part of me that is a tiny bit resentful, thinking that it should have been me on the receiving end of that proposal. But in the end, no I don't really want to be the one he's asking. What we had was kind of a lie. Back then, I managed to convince myself I could become religious for him, or at the very least be open to his supreme religiousness. But I know now that was just wishful thinking, and that it would have never worked. It really is a shame that religion ended up being the thing that came between us (but that's coming from me, non-religious). And now, it's way past the point to dwell on all of that.

So, no, the engagement itself doesn't bother me. I am happy that he is happy.

I think it bothers me that he's not comfortable having his then-girlfriend-now-fiance and me as a friend in his life at the same time. The engagement bothers me because I know it is something that we will never be able to talk about.

There was a facebook episode last summer that made me think the girl is not happy seeing him interact with me. Why would that be, I wondered then? Is she insecure in her relationship? Well, now that they're engaged, that shouldn't be an issue anymore, right?

And then I think about how when we were together, he once got so mad because I asked him why a picture of a high school ex was still up on his wall. He said it was none of my business. So it really does piss me off that it is different with this girl, that he would cut me out of his life because somehow that is her business when it was never my business.

It reinforces the fact that he never loved me in that same way. It drives home the point that while he talked about us getting married, he was never serious. It pisses me off that he was so wrong in the way he treated me, in never facing up to his doubts about our relationship, at least never telling me about them and just continuing to lead me on, knowingly or unknowingly.

But all of that is past now that he is engaged. She shouldn't feel insecure in her relationship anymore. So why would he still be uncomfortable with me in his life? We have so many mutual friends from college. He always said that he wanted to be friends after we broke up. He wants to know what is happening to me. He wants updates and to know that I am happy. Yet whenever I reach out to him wanting to hang out, or god forbit to come to my birthday party, he always passive aggressively deflects. Sometimes I call him out on it. Then he just pretends like nothing is out of the ordinary, that what he did was the perfectly normal thing to do.

We are now both in happy relationships, so what is his problem? Why is he still so uncomfortable interacting with me?

I want to be able to call him up to congratulate him and tell him that I'm truly happy for him. I want to meet the girl and laugh with her and talk about her wedding planning (since I secretly aspire to be a wedding planner). But I can't. So maybe I just feel rather left out. He wants to stay updated on my life, yet he doesn't afford me the same thing with his life.

Once upon a time, he told me that he thought a year or so after he started working would be a good time to get engaged. So now here we are. He's been working for a little more than a year, and he's decided to get married. Except, I'm not the girl in that fairy tale.

So there is that, too.