Well, that didn't last long

HB's visit to Boston was phenomenal, so fantastic that I didn't have time to write because I wanted to spend every minute with him. While he was here, we also decided to give us a shot. Yes, we defined the relationship. He became my man (which I think sounds better than boyfriend), and I became his girl(friend).

Unfortunately, all that shimmers in this world is sure to go away. So on August 2nd, HB flew back to Beijing. At first, things were still going well. Then he became consumed by the idea of moving back to the US and the accompanying job search process. Then I became a ball of panic regarding my grad school situation and just when exactly I'll be able to graduate.

All of this came to a head yesterday. And we broke up.

My reasoning was that we were not the right influences for each other. I have a hard time motivating myself and want a partner who can help to provide me with motivation, and/or talk me into having more internal motivation. I felt that HB wasn't that person and thus not providing the support that I really need right now. With him then being 7000 miles away, it seemed pointless to pursue a relationship. I'm not getting anything out of it, and he's not close enough to hold me and f- me to make it worthwhile.

He on the other hand feels just as lost as I am in terms of looking for a job that would be along the lines of his current career trajectory. On top of that, he came to realize a couple of things about himself that are very big issues that he needs to work out. The potential conclusion from his working out these issues could very well be that I am no longer the right person for him. I don't know if I can stick around to help him through these issues providing all the support that I can, only to have him tell me in the end that he can't be with me.

These issues, by the way, are completely out of my control. Issue #1 is with his mother, feeling that she's always let him down his whole life. Issue #2 is with his sexuality, feeling that he might be gay or bisexual. Bisexual I can deal with. Gay is obviously a dealbreaker.

So we're done. We're through. Exactly a month after we officially started dating (July 17), we broke up. Maybe this isn't forever, and maybe we've become one of those troubled couples who go through multiple cycles of breaking up and getting back together ... but that doesn't seem all that healthy, does it?

Either way, that's it. I'm back to being single. I miss him, a lot, but I don't cry about HB the way that I cried about Broadway. Maybe that's because I've known Broadway for so much longer.

My next goal is to soul search. Find the values that are core to my needs as a woman and core to my needs in a partner. I'm not ruling out that HB can be that partner (yes, I do think we will get back together), but I need to know what I want in a partner without a current partner whose very status as my partner jeopardizes my objectivity.

Grrrr, sometimes I do wish I weren't such a nerdy engineer. Love isn't so objective and logical after all. If only I could not over-analyze everything.