balance

RC called me today asking what I was doing tomorrow (Friday) night. Of course, I said that I had no plans, but you know what? I wasn't even too keen on saying that just because of all the conversations the other night. I thought about things, and I asked myself "How would i feel calling RC my boyfriend?" ... and honestly, I kinda grimaced at the thought. Does that mean that I'm not ready for RC? Or does that mean that I'm not ready for a boyfriend?

The balance comes into play when I think about what I want to do. Right now, my first and foremost goal is to do my thesis proposal for my graduate degree, which is set for Oct 16. Except, I still act like my life is about partying and having a good time, even though my grad student status (as unlucrative as it is) supports my habits), and the more I party, the less I grad-school, and the more likely I will lose my source of income that feeds my habit.

My second goal/desire is just to not think too much and just to enjoy myself. I thought about where I was a year ago ... I wanted to get married; I wanted to settle down; I wanted a ring on my finger; I was so in love with the ex (let's call him Key) that I lost sight of myself. I think that was great, because when we are truly in love with someone, and when we are ready to make that commitment, we think in terms of "we" and not in terms of "me". A year ago, I thought in terms of "we" because I saw "we" as being forever. Gosh, how short that forever lasted. I was burned so badly by Key.

So now, I fly solo. I date, but I have become the person who is perpetually afraid of commitment; I have come to exemplify the kind of behavior that I can't stand nor understand in guys. More than anything else, I have come to really want my own space (REALLY highlighted by the incident with Mr. C).

Take for example: this weekend. I got invited to three parties for tomorrow (Friday) night, and three for Saturday (five originally, but two got cancelled). I want to spend time with my friends; I want the free time that I have to be spent the way that I want it to be spent, not the way I feel like I should have to spend it.

I am one to try to bring together groups of people. When I get a party invite, I'm the kind of person who would mention it to every friend I come across who asks me what I'm doing on X night: "well, actually, I know of this party if you're interested." So what ends up happening is that three separate groups of friends end up saying "yeah, that party sounds great; let's go" and I end up shuffling my social obligations to all three groups at the same event, who don't usually mingle with each other.

I find it stressful to go from one group of friend to another. I want to just do my own thing, which I define as picking my favorite outing activity, doing it with the people whom I enjoy being around, and not feeling any obligations to have done anything else, and not feeling any guilt that I blew everybody else off. This includes RC.

So I agreed to do something with RC tomorrow night, when really, I want to go out with my friends. But it would be rude of me to go back on that now and say to RC, "well, actually, I want to go out with my friends." Inviting him along isn't really an option, because he made it pretty clear that 1) he doesn't drink, and 2) he doesn't really go out much, out of preference.

Where's the balance between friends and dates? Will it become painfully obvious when the right guy comes along such that I no longer care about balance, and all I want to do is to spend every waking moment with him?