Though I'm a little confused because we had this conversation as we were falling asleep, I think I can technically call RC my boyfriend now, which is really really strange. I also think I told him that I was commitment-phobic.
There was a coffee hour/study break thing at one of the graduate dorms last night, and they were having moon cake for the Mid-Autumn Festival celebrations. My friend HM told me about it and asked if I wanted to go with him and his girlfriend. I figured that I haven't done much Chinese things lately, so I'll go with them. RC then called to see what I'm doing, and I invited him along to the coffee hour (this is a perpetual problem for me: instead of just saying "sorry, I'm busy" I always am trying to include people and ask them along to whatever I'm doing even when I kinda really don't want to).
Because the coffee hour was at a grad dorm, I knew a lot of the people who were there just from the random stuff I do around campus, and I didn't want them to know that I was there with RC.
Bad sign.
Is this me having commitment issues? Or is RC not the one either? I figured that the reason I can't seem to settle down and I keep blowing people off is that I haven't found the right person. I try to convince myself that once I find the right person, I'll be head over heels in love and I wouldn't look at anybody else. Well, I thought I really had it in for RC. So what gives? Why don't I want to be associated with him in public?
This Friday, some of us officers who work with the graduate student government talked about going out to a lounge that I want to check out for a future party. I mentioned it to RC under the context that some friends are going out (god, why did I do that?), and invited him along (why do I keep doing this?), and he said he'd want to come (ugh). So now I kinda want to retract that offer. The other three officers are all male, and I, in general, keep my personal life separate. They believe me to be single and dating, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to upset that balance by introducing a boyfriend.
Same with everybody else. I want the attention from men, but none of the responsibilities of having a relationship.
2 comments:
Not wanting the world to know about your dating life is understandable. Some people are like that. In other cases, there could be a commitment issue. Only you can distinguish between the two.
As for the Friday night event, I see a couple options. One, tell him what you wrote here, that you're going out with the fellow gov't officers and want to keep your personal life separate. It's honest. Or two, fib a little and say this has turned into a working outting and that it's probably not appropriate for him to go.
Well, Love, to me it seems you do have some issue here. On one hand you want him in your life because you keep inviting him to these things. On the other hand you do like your independence. I wouldn't worry that you aren't "head over heels" and still look. In fact take it as a good sign, everyone looks they just don't touch unless thats okay in their relationship too. Just try to strike a balance. That is to say assuming a system in equilibrium
K(relationship) = ([Independence]^a[Work]^b[Relationship]^y...) /[you]
I really can't imagine you as the girl who doodles her married name while she daydreams. Is that who you are? Who you want to be? I think its good you aren't. For starters if things ever go south you don't have to go get new binders and stuff. Caution and seperation is good in a couple everyone should have their own life.
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