back to the drawing board?

I woke up yesterday morning, frustrated, because I missed something with a friend whom I really cared about. Not because something came up, not because I got busy, but because I overslept. I then thought back to why I didn't set an alarm, and it was because I was frustrated with RC. He was studying for a major exam, along with having a report due. However, he was unmotivated, so I told him that I would stay up with him.

While he worked and studied, I wrote up my Christmas cards this year to mail. Around 3am, he just up and left his computer and went to bed. I still had a couple more cards to write, so I stayed up at the desk to write those, but I wasn't very happy. I felt like I stayed up for him, to help him stay up and study. But when it came time for him to say "I'm tired, I want to go to bed" he didn't even say anything, just got up and went to bed. Besides, I stayed up until 3am because of him; he could have at least stayed up a few more minutes until I finished my Christmas cards.

When I finally went to sleep, I was rather frustrated, but too tired to really take notice or think too much. But it did make me forget to set my alarm, which caused me to oversleep the next morning and miss my friend's thing that I told her she could count on me for.

Frustrated, in the morning, I started a conversation with RC about how I'm not sure we are good for each other. The point of a relationship, I said, is so that together, you make each other better people (something Key used to always say). There are faults and annoyances, sure, but overall, we should become better people as a result of our relationships. However, I told him, the two of us are more irresponsible and flakier and lazier, and we procrastinate more, when we are with each other.

If on our own, on average, we procrastinate 10% of the time, when we're with each other, we procrastinate some 60, 70% of the time. We are both so prone to procrastinating anyway that when we're together, whenever there is a reason to not do work, we take that. Normally, say I want to procrastinate, he may say "no, I need to work", and then with nothing else to do, I sit down and work too. The way RC and I operate is I'll say "I don't want to work", and he'll say "Man, i don't want to work either. Let's go do something!" And off we go, putting off work for yet another night/day/week.

Is something like this reason enough to believe that we would never work out? Because I feel like we don't make each other better people, and we would never get anything done because we both exhibit such low levels of self-control? Because we exacerbate each others' laziness and propensity for procrastination?

He agreed with me when this conversation came up, and said that he had been thinking the exact same thing. Because I was already late, and I had another meeting, I ran out of the apartment at that, and it was the end of the conversation... for now.

I brought it up again later in the day. I'm not sure why. I think I just wanted to talk about it. I think about why I would bring up something like that, why would I talk about whether or not we're good for each other? I think I wanted to hear him say, "no baby, we may have this issue we need to work on, but overall, we're good for each other." I wanted to tell him, "I don't think we're good for each other" and to have him beg and plead that "that's just not true." Why? I don't know, to feel wanted? It's the same feeling I get when I'm upset and I turn away, leave, go into another room, and I do it to see if he would follow me to make up.

Of course, he didn't say what I wanted him to say. Hearing what I was saying, he immediately jumped to "She doesn't want me around because she doesn't think I'm good for her". Being the take-or-leave-it person that he is, he told me that he doesn't want this because he doesn't think I want it, so what's the point? He realizes that I think he's bad for me, and he thinks what I want is to end things because he's a burden to have around, and I can't get anything done. I wasn't about to give in that easily, because I didn't REALLY want us to break up (what is wrong with me anyway?? all these mind-games ...).

I asked him if he thought I'm bad for him, too. At this point, I think he was kinda pissed off, so he very quickly said, "Yeah, I don't think you're good for me." I mean, I guess what did I expect him to say? "No baby, you're good for me. I'm the one who's not good for you." What am I? In a fairy tale?

His quick response made me throw up my arms and say "Wow, so what IS the point?" He said "there is no point" and gathered his stuff and got up and left. Of course, I'm the one who goes running after him, but I didn't REALLY want him to leave. But the discussion got tabled because he's right, time's not really on our side right now. We don't have time for these conversations that only arise because I want him to want me even when I show that I may not want him. He has an exam, a big report, and I have a meeting with my adviser. We don't have time for silly discussions that have no purpose, and really go nowhere.

He went to the library to study, and I went home feeling bad. I started feeling worse, so I went to the library to find him, kissed him, and sat down next to him to do some readings while he kept working. Everything turned out peachy, or so it seemed ...

Ever since yesterday, I've started to get a sinking feeling that I actually don't know if I really do love him, if I do want to be with him. I'm just not enthusiastic about the thought of "us."

So is it time to go back to the drawing board? I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't give up that easily. One day of feeling not quite right shouldn't lead to drastic changes like a break-up ...

Which leads to the question of what does/should lead to a break up?