easily irritable, that's me

Ever since getting back from my holiday break in the South, I have found myself to be rather easily irritable around RC. Nothing quite seems right, or adequate, or good enough. The smallest things he does flares up my nerves, and I get very extremely annoyed. The last time I felt this was was when I dated Engineer my first year of college. The feelings this time around with RC are not as extreme as I remembered them being with Engineer, but equally alarming.

For example, at lunch today, RC was repeatedly opening and closing my wallet (there is a little button clasp on there), thereby making a repeated clicking sound. This drove me nuts, and after a few opens and closes, I reached out and grabbed the wallet and took it out of his reach. My gestures were rather rude, and a bit out of the ordinary, but very exemplary of the majority of my attitude toward RC this week.

The things I used to like about him now grate on my nerves. For example, he has a very distinct way of speaking and asking questions that is slow and long-winded. I used to like this, seeing it as his being able to ask questions about anything and engage just about anybody in conversation. Now, I just get so annoyed. I roll my eyes and think to myself "geez; he's doing it again. Why can't he just spit out the question like everybody else?"

Tonight, he took me to a play at a local theater where he had a set of pre-purchased tickets. He insisted on driving there because it's cold outside, he said. I didn't argue, but I told him to take his car since his car also has a city residential parking permit, so we wouldn't be necessarily limited to the meters right around the theater. The problem is that the theater is in an area of town that has a constant shortage of parking; no meter is ever free. We found out tonight that the street permit spots nearby are never available, either.

Through the process of finding a parking spot, I got extremely annoyed, so much so that I was perpetually snapping at him.

"Why are you speeding down this street? Do you NOT want to look for a parking spot?"
"NO!! Oxford Street is over to the LEFT, and it is NOT close to where we want to go."
"Ugh, no, I told you to take a U-turn there. Now you're stuck in a right-turn only lane."

And so the annoyances piled up. I've never felt this much urge to yell at him, but simultaneously, I would feel terrible for wanting to scream at him. After all, it's not his fault that there is no parking. Except, I saw it as his fault for wanting to drive. I questioned whether or not there would be parking, and he nonchalantly said, "Yup, it should be empty, because it's a weeknight."

I just feel like my own demeanor now toward him is completely different from before. There was love, admiration, and a general desire to want to spend time with him before, as recent as the first few days he was in Ctown with me. Now, there is some borderline resentment when it comes to things like finding parking. More pervasively, I just don't have that great of a desire to spend time with him. When I do, I am easily irritable, and I enjoy myself less than half the time.

In a way, I think my feelings toward him now are more of compassion and sympathy than of love. I feel sorry for him; I feel bad for him; I see him walking in the distance, and I think "what a shame." Under normal circumstances, I think I would be at a point where I am ready to call things quits because I just don't feel honest attraction anymore (and that's a weird feeling to have after having thought that I loved someone so incredibly much). However, because of his physical handicaps, I feel bad for doing so, and in a way, I want to take it upon myself to make sure he's okay, even though logically I know that it's certainly not my responsibility. I just don't want to see him hurt, and it's even worse knowing that I would be the one to hurt him, that instead of being there for him, I'm the one who would make it worse.

This whole episode worries me because of how fragile feelings of love and attraction seem to be. A month ago, I thought I could spend the rest of my life with this guy, that he was THE ONE. Now, I have trouble spending time with him without feeling built up annoyance and/or resentment. Such transient feelings, how do I ever know when something is real and that something would last the test of time?