oceans

Mentioning oceans today made me cry. Good friend West Side was talking about oceans, and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes because RC always talks about how he misses the ocean. West Side asked me today if I know what I'm going to do about RC, and I told her that I think RC and I have to break up. If I am thinking about other guys, then I can't honestly be fair to him while in being a relationship with him.

I didn't think that I could cry for RC. I remember all the tears I shed for Key, how quickly those came for just the smallest things: a most thoughtful gift, a kiss on my forehead, sitting with him before his flight took off ... happy tears and sad tears, but tears nonetheless, free-flowing tears that just came. Tears don't just come for RC. Many a situations, I think that there ought to be some tears, but there never are. It made me think that I don't care about RC as much as I did for Key. Yet these tears came today when we talked about oceans, sad tears.

I think the tears came because I felt sorry for RC. When it comes down to it, he is such a great guy who is so good to me. Even my mom told me that RC is so good, and it's such a shame that he has screws in his back. I gave my mom a dirty look when she said that, because it felt like she was once again, making a decision for me. What does she mean, such a shame? It's almost as if the ending's already been played out, and RC and I are already doomed.

Honestly though, as much as I don't like to admit it, I think RC and I are doomed. I sometimes wish that the conversations we had while he was in Ctown were never reversed, that we could have cordially broken up over logistical details. Now, now it's just difficult. I don't really know where I stand on my feelings, but I know I have serious doubts.

All relationships have doubts, and it's okay to not know where I/we want things to go. But it's another thing altogether if I can honestly say to myself that I know, for sure, that we have no future together, whether for emotional reasons (one or both of us no longer love the other) or for logistical reasons (our religions clash, for example). I feel like I'm leaning toward the "can't be with him" for logistical reasons, yet I can't even verbalize my own reasons.

A big part of the reasons is to just escape all the complexities with my parents, and I hate myself for even considering that as a reason. But when it comes down to it all, I don't want to be on bad terms with my parents for the rest of my life; I don't want an issue as big as THE-REST-OF-MY-LIFE to be the thorn in my relationship with my parents.

Another part is Willow. Having Willow show up so suddenly again muddled things up a lot. Honestly though, I have to ask myself, how would it EVER work with Willow? It just plain wouldn't unless he moves, and what can I even promise him for the move? The potential for a relationship? Yeah, that's a heck of a lot of incentive. So it's silly to give up RC for Willow, when the likelihood of Willow is maybe 5%.

West Side and I talked yesterday about giving up a person for somebody better, how we all have trouble moving on until we see a better option. The idealistic me hopes that to not be true, that we would all be honest with ourselves and with our relationships to not depend on a third person to make decisions. But what she said really has some truth ... We stay in dysfunctional relationships sometimes just for the sake of having had the relationship. We find it hard to break up with someone over logistical reasons when we have a deep emotional attachment to that person, but as soon as a better option shows up, our minds are better set.

We don't hurt any less emotionally, but our minds are better made up about going forward with a "right" decision, whatever that may be. So is Willow my third person motivator? Perhaps. I just feel that if I can't fully commit to RC, then I should stop trying to fool us both. But what about the where, the when, the how?

I mentioned his big exams coming up at the end of this month. Even my mom said I shouldn't face up anything with him before those exams. He told me that my being here with support can help him, but on the other hand, perhaps my not being here would get rid of a distraction. But I want him in a good state of mind while studying and all the up through those exams.

So the when gets pushed back to February. Mid-February, I have a humongous presentation. I kinda want his support for that, but doing that means I have to go through that inevitable couple holiday known as Valentine's Day with him. How can I go through that with him with a straight face while knowing that I have doubts about being with him? Which brings me back to the now ... maybe I should just do it now, but I don't have the heart, nor the resolve, to.

Part of me wants to wait because waiting means that my feelings could change. Maybe a month from now, the memory of Willow will be faint, and I'll be more ready than ever to give RC my all.