reply to Key

I figured that I'd slept on his email enough; my feelings weren't really any different, so I wrote Key back. I started out by saying that it took me a while to reply because I wasn't quite sure what to say, and that I really still don't know what to say, so I thought I'd just spell out for him some of the stuff that ran through my head when I got his original email.

Basically, I told him how I gave him dates when he asked about dinner, how non-ideal those dates were for me but how I did it anyway because I thought it was important, how disappointed I was when he didn't reply for three weeks, and how hurt I was when he finally did write back, only to say he wouldn't be free for dinner until a month later.

In the last paragraph, I think I told him that I didn't really want him in my life anymore. Not in such explicit terms, and I wasn't really even sure that's what I wanted to intend when I wrote it, but write it I did:

"So I don't know, Key ... I've been sleeping on this for almost a week now. I'm glad I didn't follow my gut and send you a nasty email back because that I don't think that would have been entirely productive. At the same time, I haven't really felt any less hurt. I really don't know how to directly respond to your email of getting dinner after your spring break. I feel like I'm kinda done trying to reach out to you time after time, but not before I let you know why."

... and there's no taking back emails.

When I told West Side, she asked what I thought Key would do, would he call me now to talk about it. I told her that I highly doubt he would call me, that at most he would email me back. I don't even know what he would send back in an email. I don't think I left much room there for a response. So without consciously intending for it to be, this was an email telling Key that I'm done with him in my life, not because I don't want him in it, but because the way that he is in it is unhelpful to me. I am done with getting my hopes up for him, only to be hurt again and again and again.