depression

I started seeing a therapist at the beginning of this year because I naively thought one would be the panacea to all the problems I was struggling with at the time (parents, Doctor and other past relationships, general life direction). I stopped after just three sessions because she made me feel worse about myself. Maybe inevitably, when you go to someone whose sole job is to listen to you whine about yourself, there's some neaturally-associated guilt of feeling overly self-centered. However, I thought the point of a therapist was A) you're paying them, thereby lessening the guilt, and B) they're the experts at making you feel comfortable no matter what and listening and sympathizing.

Well, it didn't really work for me. She made me feel worse, and I felt that talking to her trivialized my problems in a feeling dismissed kind of way, and I often left more angry than when I walked in. It's hard to tell if I just picked a bad therapist for me or if I would have that reaction to every therapist.

Anyway, the point is that I'm thinking of seeing a therapist again because of Broadway, but I'm just not sure if I want to take the plunge again.

Broadway is chronically depressed. It does not seriously affect his life (at least not yet), but does manifest itself in extremely irritating ways: he is overly cynical about EVERYTHING, and he is so difficult to mobilize, in every possible way. Making decisions about where to eat, where to go for toothpaste, when to go home from work ... he just drags his feet in everything that he does.

I struggle between wanting to be supportive, knowing that he can't help it (or can he?), and wanting to kick some sense into him to just suck it up because life's hard sometimes. A lot of our conflicts stem from my wanting to grab him by the shoulders, shake him, and yell at him to get a grip on his life.

My biggest problem is just that I can't relate. I don't understand how he just absolutely can't help it. I feel that if he would only put his mind to it, why can't he wake up before 1pm every single day??? It is incredibly difficult for me to be nice to him in these situations. I used to try to wake him up, then I eventually got mad after a while of not being able to wake him up. Now, I don't even try. I get up and leave in the mornings when I need to leave, and I call him sometime around 1pm to see what he's doing or if he's still snoring.

I just don't understand depression. I don't understand the inability to control one's negative thoughts and not being able to become consumed by negative energy. He tells me that my getting mad and frustrated at him just makes him feel worse and more depressed knowing that I'm pointing out the very things that he does badly, which he knows he does badly, and which he can't control because of his depression, and it's all just one big downward spiral.

I don't know how to deal with that. I just plain don't understand, and I want to call in the experts. What would a therapist who deals with people like him daily say? How do I function around him without frustrating myself and making him more depressed in the process? Is that even possible? What exactly am I getting into anyway?

And scarier thoughts down the road ... Broadway's dad is the exact same way as he is, if not worse. Would Broadway become the same with old age? His mother finally decided she couldn't take it anymore and moved out. Would I eventually hit that stage, too? If so, would it be better to withdraw now?

So many questions with no answers. I don't want to have too high of expectations, but maybe a therapist could help, if only because s/he sees people with real depression problems like him and would understand the thought process that is so hard for me to grasp.