settling

Today, I felt like I was settling, unquestionably. My relationships have always teetered on that line between settling and loving him with all of his quirks and faults and things that I can't stand. I couldn't pinpoint the exact quirk that irked me today, but I just had a general feeling of dissatisfaction.

Earlier in the day, I thought about Broadway's rejection of everything mainstream, including silly little phrases like "sweet nothings." I thought about it and I accepted it as a part of him. I sighed, accepting that I will never share "sweet nothings" with Broadway because he would never call them that. I accepted it and moved on.

Then I thought about his love of all things electronic, how the only times that you can truly see genuine excitement is when he is talking about electronics. He will go on and on and on explaining them, to the point of excruiating details that no one cares to know, especially not at a cocktail party of 3-line conversations. I get embarassed by him, feeling the squirm of his non-interested audience in those situations who just want to find some way of getting out of listening to him talking. Then I get embarassed with myself that I would reject such a central part of his personality.

I always think that we will make it work, that it's just a quirk we each have: his over-the-top attention to detail in storytelling and my highlighted sensitivity to social norms and insistence on following them.

Today, I also thought about when he dropped me off at the airport Saturday afternoon, how when we said goodbye, I didn't feel the swell of tears in my eyes. I very calmly hugged him, kissed him, and said goodbye. I was sad, but I had to tell myself that I was sad. It wasn't until a little bit later that I felt the slight surge of emotions and some tears welling up that I quickly (and easily) suppressed.

Am I telling myself that I feel strongly about this relationship because I want to feel strongly about this relationship? Does he feel strongly about this relationship for the same reasons? Because he wants to hold on to something that he knows will provide comfort?

Is this feeling of undeniable settling transient? Will I feel the same way tomorrow?