the first day that wasn't

Today was to be my first day back at work in 2008.

Except I chickened out of it. I called in sick this morning.

The thought had crossed my mind last night before I set my alarm right before bed. "Hey, I can probably just call in sick tomorrow". When the alarm did go off this morning, I didn't think twice. I picked up the phone and called in sick. I then buried my head in my pillow and slept until 2pm.

Which is all really shameful. Everyone else is back, which means that my desk is for sure noticeably empty. Besides, who calls in sick on their planned first day back at work? They've got to know I lied about that one.

For whatever reason, the prospect of returning to work is still too much for me to handle, especially in the early morning when my decision-making process is heavily muddled by sleep deprivation. All in all, I just couldn't bring myself to go back to work this morning. I didn't want to face up to the fact that vacation is over, that time relaxing at home is over.

When will I ever grow out of this reluctance to face reality, to face responsibilities?

In other news, I did go to frisbee practice today for my competitive all-women's team, the one I don't really like. I usually talk myself out of going to practice by saying I have too much work, which I couldn't exactly do today. I also felt that lying about my health for a second time in one day may be a bit much (my madness does stop somewhere, who knew?).

I am glad I forced myself to go to practice. It brought some motivation to my bones. Going was evidence that I still can be a normal functioning human being who is not entirely consumed by the couch. It's evidence that I still do have some level of resolve and self-control.

We grow up hating our parents for making us do things we don't want to do, and we vow with all our naive might that as soon as we're old enough, we're going to stop listening to our parents and eat all the ice cream in the world and never do any of our homework.

Unfortunately, as soon as we're old enough, we realize that the world doesn't quite spin like that. My mental block on going back to work, and subquently calling in sick, is really evidence of my still inability to be act like an adult and face up to the reality that I can't just refuse to do things that I don't want to do.

Thus, it was nice to know that at the end of the day, I did manage to act somewhat my age and went to practice without so much as a tantrum.

I need all the positive-reinforcement that I can get. Even if it's all just in my own head.