heavy heavy conscience

Our long-weekend, short ski vacation was awesome, though I started getting sick Saturday night. We still went out for a few hours on Sunday, which probably was bad decision-making on my part.

Maybe it's the cold, maybe it's the contrast between work and vacation, maybe it's that things with Broadway have been so smooth lately, whatever the cause, every since getting back, I have been agonizing over something I haven't thought about seriously in a while.

This is really hard for me to admit. A while back, I did admit it. I wrote about it in anonymous bloggerland, but then deleted the entry after a couple of months because even the anonymous association was too hard for me to accept.

The quick story is that once upon a time, I cheated on Broadway.

I mentioned loathing the Doctor ever since June. Well, last June was when he and I slept together during a conference we both went to, two months after I had started dating Broadway. Doctor was also dating someone new at the time.

Broadway and I started dating in late March, and by early June, I was already at an extreme low with our relationship. In May, Broadway contracted a mysterious illness, basically a flu that never went away. He moaned and sniffed and downed Motrin and dragged his feet and stayed depressed while in bed day after day after day. At first I was helpful and sympathetic, but after some three weeks of this, I was pretty tired of everything. I desperately wanted out, yet couldn't bring myself to leave Broadway while he was still sick.

Enter the Doctor at the conference. He pushed. And pushed and pushed. He held my hand. He touched my leg under the table during dinner. He put his arm around me. He hugged me. He'd touch me at the small of my back ... and the kissing. At first, he kissed me on my forehead, but he was always pushing for more.

I was to blame also, of course. I didn't push him away or even really discourage him. I vowed that I wouldn't kiss him, so I never returned his kisses and wouldn't let him kiss me on the mouth, but I never stopped him from touching me.

Everything he did, he did the way an affectionate boyfriend would do, something Broadway hadn't done in a while

The Doctor and I had a very sexual relationship, and I definitely thought back to that during the conference. I even thought back to that before the conference, during the low times I had with Broadway. All of the temptations and tensions were there at that conference.

And then the Doctor asked me on the second night of the conference if I would sleep with him in his bed.

"We won't do anything," he said, "but I just want to hold you one last time." I stupidly agreed ... and what happened, happened.

Afterwards, he asked me whether or not I would tell Broadway. I asked him if he planned on telling his new girl. He said no because he saw nothing long-term with her, so why bring her that pain?

He asked me if I saw a future with Broadway. I said no, which was honest. He then told me that because I saw no future with Broadway, I didn't have to tell him. The Doctor said that he was absolutely okay with everything that happened because he knew for sure that he loves me more than the new girl. I said I was not okay with everything and ran out of the room.

I never told Broadway after getting back. He also got over his illness shortly after that. We went along with our relationship, and the whole episode with the Doctor faded.

It bothered me that I never seemed to feel the level of emotional guilt that I logically knew I should have felt. It bothered me that I would feel okay enough to not even think that much about it.

Until now.

With all of our relationship ups and downs, this whole month of January has been superb for Broadway and me. I am really starting to understand him and love him for the very things that annoyed me before, the things that made me doubt my future with him.

Which brings me back to the question that Doctor asked me. Do I see Broadway in my future? And now I do.

Because of that, he deserves to know what I did. He deserves to have the choice of being with me given all of the information. He deserves my being honest with him.

I know that I need to tell him, but I don't know how. I don't know how to explain why I waited so long before saying anything. I don't know how to ask him to forgive me. I don't know if I can forgive myself. I am mad at the Doctor for being as pushy as he was. I am mad at myself for having given in so easily to temptation.

I am most afraid that Broadway will never be able to forgive me. But I know that is more reason that I must tell him. I did what I did, and I screwed up our relationship last June. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I buried this forever.

This is all that I can think about for the last couple of days. I need to tell Broadway. I just don't know how. I know he will leave me, and I need him.