no change

I haven't told Broadway anything. I haven't been able to bring myself to. The timing's not right, or I'm too tired, or I don't want to say anything when he's still got work to do. I meant to bring it up last night, but he came over around 10:30pm to spend some time with me before having to go back to his office to finish up work. I didn't want to bring anything up in the short time that we had.

I've only averaged about 3-4 hours of sleep a night this week, so I went to bed pretty soon after he left. I told him to wake me up when he gets back, but I don't think he did. I woke up this morning and groggedly asked him when he got to bed, and he said around 2am.

I don't want to bring it up when there's a clear time frame for conversation: like when I have a meeting in one hour or when he has to go back to work in 30 minutes. I don't want us to be rushed to wrap things up because of external schedule obligations. I don't think that's healthy (or maybe it is? maybe a clear end to the conversation forces us to not drag out the conversation and lets him have the individual time he needs to think over things?).

I want us to have all the time in the world to talk about it, but he's been working such late nights that we just haven't had that infinitely un-ending time I envisioned in the evenings before bed.

A great big part of me wants to talk to him, mainly so that I no longer have to live in limbo of his not knowing, and my not knowing what he will do once he knows. That's been the hardest part for me, to know that everything I value right now about him and my future with him is unclear, and that it will remain unclear until I tell him. If he decides to leave, then so be it. If that's the reality that I must deal with, I will accept it and try to move on.

But right now, I don't have a reality to work with.

I'm calmer now than I was a couple of days ago, so calm that sometimes the situation seems surreal, that it's all actually in a dream somehow. I'm not THAT girl. This is not me. What I did isn't who I am, isn't something I thought I would ever do, isn't something I would ever do in the future. Yet I know that I did it.

I think this disconnect made it easier to brush everything aside for 6 months and almost pretend that it never happened. I've slipped back into that mental state during a couple of brief moments in the last couple of days, wishing everything away, delusional that if I don't think about it, then I don't have to face up to it having ever happened.

I'll see what the weekend brings.