I can't stop thinking about him. I sit here trying to get work done, trying to think about Broadway, but instead I just think back to how cute he looked when we got lunch yesterday. The beautiful smile, the witty jokes, the gray scarf ... staring into his eyes at the lunch where we agreed to talk as adults about what's going on between us.
To the average girl, I don't think he would stand out. Aside from being tall and slightly blonde (kept short in a crew cut), he has a plain face, wears glasses, keeps a scraggly beard, could lose a few pounds ... all in all, not a heart throb, just your average Joe. But I'm super attracted to him. I love the way he laughs, I love the look in his eyes when he looks at me, I love the shy smile he gives when we catch each other looking at each other across a big dinner table.
I love the way that he always makes me laugh.
I love that he's intelligent, an active thinker, a writer, a right-brain user, a bit of a space cadet but not too much, a clear idealist, but not too much to be unwilling to work for the man for a few years, buying time and saving to do what he's really passionate about. I love that he derives joy from the community around him, that he feeds off of the energy of others, of close friends, of valued relationships. I love that he is a good person, always aiming to do what's right.
He makes me question Broadway. Things that I previously couldn't wait to do with Broadway: take vacations together, get married, snuggle up next to him as we fall asleep, make babies, live out the rest of our lives ... all that have lost their luster as I see each activity as further evidence that I can't do these things with him. I muster up the energy in the mornings to call Broadway before he goes to sleep 13 hours behind in Boston, but it's not genuine excitement. I'm happy when Broadway doesn't want to talk because he's on the road to New York with his mother. I'm happy because I feel guilty talking to Broadway because I know I will be thinking about HIM the whole time.
I want to spend all of my time with him, but he's gone into self-preservation mode, and I can't blame him. He told me that his goal in this situation is not to get too hurt. He knows he will be hurt, especially when I leave Beijing in April, so all he can do is try to minimize the pain, so all he can do is refrain from seeing me too much.
He doesn't have to say anything, I know he wants to spend all of his time with me too. I know he doesn't because he is holding himself back. I know he needs to do that for himself. I understand, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to accept. I know that he's the good guy here who is doing this for both of us, but the selfish part of me wants him to throw all caution to the wind and just kiss me ... and more.
Yes, I'm thinking the unthinkable. I'm thinking the unthinkable about the engagement. How can I not when I feel such a connection with another person? I wouldn't be leaving Broadway for the obvious reason of wanting to be with another man, but I'd be leaving Broadway because my affections are so ethereal, so fickle, so unable to withstand the test of time. Is this new passion with someone else exciting because it's new? It's hard to remember the same level of passion with Broadway, but maybe it's just been too long, and my memory's clouded. I don't know if I should be marrying someone when I question these things.
Every day that passes is one day fewer that I'll get to see him. I leave Beijing in mid-April. That's 1 month and 3 weeks left. He leaves for Japan for a week (or two?) early March. That's 1 month and 2 weeks left. Each day he self-preserves is one day less that I can see him.
Beijing's not just another city anymore. It's the city that contains him.
I don't want to leave Beijing. I want all the time in the world to spend with him.
3 comments:
Absence, contrary to the statement, does not make the heart grow fonder. It's always hard for you to keep your heart abroad when someone you find attractive is right in front of your face. The only real way to know is to either be with them at the same time, or be separate from them simultaneously. Its the only way to have even ground.
What I do note is that all of the things you're referring to with him are short-term, crush things, whereas when to talk about Broadway, you talk about long-term, life things. While the crush might be more fun to think about, which do you desire more?
I agree with geekhiker. This does sound like a crush and a comfort while away from broadway.
I would say that you should stay strong until you see Broadway again and spend time with him again. If you are still thinking about HIM, then and only then should you consider acting on it...
Glad to see you are posting again!! I'll have to stop by more often.
I do wonder if these feelings and attraction you have towards HIM are because you are away from Broadway. It's hard, especially when you are apart for such a long amount of time, to retain that connection and the desire for the other person.
It's easy to daydream about this guy cause he is in front of you. And there's a part of me that thinks if you are so easily distracted by him that maybe you and Broadway aren't meant to be. Just because someone is right on paper for you, doesn't mean they are really right for you.
I understand your confusion, I hope you do find the answer for yourself.
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