dismantling my life

I am back in Boston, and it's a mess.

Broadway and I are on the verge of breaking up. We are seeing a couples therapist, but my heart isn't really in it. I am moving out in about three weeks, and he slept at a friend's last night.

How did we get here? Let's go back to the HIM in Beijing. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and he couldn't stop thinking about me. The mutual attraction was too much, and we both stayed away as much as we could stand (probably not as much as we should have).

About mid-March, Broadway got the first hint that something wasn't quite right when I told him that I wanted to extend my stay in Beijing for a couple of weeks. What's a couple of weeks, I argued? I was partially motivated by wanting to spend more time with HIM, but told Broadway I just wanted more time in Beijing. In mid-April, I broke the news to Broadway that I was getting cold feet about our getting married, but that we should wait until I get back to Boston to talk more and evaluate.

Meanwhile in Beijing, HE and I made out toward the end of February against our better judgment. A few weeks later, we made out in his bed, in our underwear, against our better judgment. A few weeks after that, a group of us (8 people total, I think) took a trip together, and HE and I shared a fancy hotel room where we just barely missed home plate. Two weeks after that, in mid-April after I told Broadway I was getting cold feet, HE and I slept together.

Then we continued to sleep together all the way until I left for Boston on April 28. We kept count, and fudging a little, we got to 30. 28 with no fudging, but we were shooting for 30 as a birthday present for his 30th.

I didn't tell Broadway right away after getting back, but sort of "let" him discover it (left my computer on during chat with HIM, with Broadway next to me, while I went to the bathroom). Of course Broadway wanted to know who this man was who was calling me "baby" over gchat.

Broadway was angry, hurt, but surprisingly didn't leave. After calming down a bit, he wanted to stay and work things out. That's when we started seeing the therapist, because Broadway wanted me to honestly give things one last shot. We then communicated more honestly than we probably have at any point in our relationship. A lot of hurtful things we may have wanted to say at one point or another came out that we previously held back on, and I think we both understand our relationship a lot better.

So where are we now? We are still seeing the therapist, but we talk so much in between our weekly sessions that the therapist just constantly plays catch-up. I am moving out, and I think that's where Broadway and I see the hard cut off to our relationship.

As for HIM in Beijing (HB?), we emailed, IMed, and talked on the phone a bunch when I first got back, but realized soon that it was unhealthy for both of us and thus agreed on no communications until I figured out all my sh*t with Broadway. HB told me before we cut everything off that once I figured out everything, and if that decision puts me in a position that I am available, he would want to give things between us a shot.

HB also named a caveat to the no-communication rule, that he wanted to hear my voice on his birthday, tomorrow. Otherwise, he wanted me to only call him when I've reached a decision and conclusion about Broadway, whether that was to leave Broadway or that I would stay to try to make things work.

I made the decision to move out last week and found an apartment quickly through a good friend. I thought I could wait until HB's birthday to call and tell him the good news, but I broke down and called him today, a day early.

I have to say that my head is a mess right now, that I am very conflicted about a lot of different things.

It's a very long road ahead.