In which there is a whirlwind of men

I went crazy this week, and I might now be done (full disclosure post ahead). I had two nights of heavy drinking, hooked up with two different men, regretted one, and suffered two days of hangovers.

Thursday night started with karaoke with a group of friends, including Special Friend, and ended with Special Friend naked in my bed. We didn't hit the homer but was well past third base. I now think back on the experience with fond memories, but we were both very stoned at the time, fumbled around a lot, and were both very paranoid that the other person was not comfortable. The next day, Friday, I asked if we could talk. He readily agreed, and we had a nice adult conversation about the whole thing. We laughed and agreed that we were actually both very comfortable with how things went, and that the paranoia came purely from being stoned.

He is however, worried about me rebounding, but since neither one of us have concrete expectations, we decided to just see how things go.

Friday night started with one of my labmates inviting me to go clubbing with him and a couple of buddies. Excited, I got all dolled up and met up with everyone downtown. Next thing I knew, Labmate and I were pounding drinks, grinding on the dance floor, rushing out the club to grab a cab ... and then I don't remember anything until I discovered myself naked in his bed with my clothes strung all over his floor. Still drunk, we had sex, which honestly was pretty disgusting. He wanted me to spend the night, but I had sobered up significantly by this point and preferred to wake up in my own bed. He insisted on walking me home, which was pretty sweet in retrospect. In front of my place, I realized that I had no inkling of attraction to him and couldn't even bring myself to kiss him good night.

Saturday night, I went on an actual date for an LTR (long-term relationship). I knew within 5 minutes of sitting down to dinner that I had no interest in the guy and was highly annoyed by his personality ... and he had theater tickets for after dinner so I was in for at least 3 more hours. He ordered a drink, but I stuck to my water, explaining that he caught me on a bad day as I was still nursing a hangover. He laughingly joked that the best way to cure a hangover was to drink more, and I laughed along. I realized he was serious when he called the server over to order me a Bud Light. A bit annoyed, but wanting to stay polite, I intercepted and ordered myself a hefeweisen.

When asked me what I planned to eat, I replied "fish and chips" - my favorite dish at the pub that we went to. He insisted that I simply could not get the fish and chips, and that I should save the fish and chips for when we go see a movie. I stared at him blankly, honestly a bit shocked, but trying to decide if this was also a joke (he giggled the whole time). He then very condescendingly said (though I'm sure he saw it as being a generous gentlemen) that I needn't worry about the *cost* of my dish since this dinner was on him, implying that I had ordered fish and chips because it was cheap (it wasn't, it was $14, kind of a ripoff actually for fish & chips at a pub).

Realizing this wasn't a joke, I remained cordial but firm, saying that I wasn't trying to be polite - I really do very much love the fish and chips at this restaurant. He wouldn't have any of it and proceeded to argue that if I insisted on ordering the fish and chips, he would have to take matters into his own hands and pick something for me. He then ordered me a meat-heavy entree consisting of every kind of meat imaginable grilled, the last thing that I wanted. I ate very little of my plate (too heavy, exactly what my hungover head did NOT need) and silently fumed through the entire dinner, lamenting the fact that I would have really liked to have been eating fish & chips instead.

I eventually finagled my way out of the second half of the play (he had lost interest by then as well) and met up with a friend working at a coffee shop to gripe. Special Friend was working late but finishing around this time too, so I made plans to leave the coffee shop and head his way, maybe grab a beer together. By the time we met up around 11:30, we both preferred something even more chill and just took a brisk walk around the neighborhood. Dropping me off at my place, he gave me a delicious good-night kiss. There is potential indeed in this Special Friend.

I also had a couple of other "dates" with guys who responded to a CL post I made asking for no-strings-attached (NSA) fun ranging from making out to whatever we felt comfortable with. I had lunch with one of the guys, who was a decently nice and normal person but completely not my type. I made coffee plans with another, but was honestly rather exhausted by men at this point, so I canceled it.

I suppose this was the whirlwind of singledom that I wanted, expected, and felt constrained from by HB, Broadway, and whatever other serious relationship. But, it's honestly not that fun. I really regret having sex with my labmate, beyond just the fact that he is my labmate and we have to see each other in lab every day. (To his credit, he came by to say hi to me today and really tried hard to made it as normal as it could be considering.)

There was no connection or attraction to Labmate (at least not on my end, he claimed that he'd always been attracted to me from the day he joined our lab 4 years ago). I love making out with guys, and I didn't even want to kiss him. Sex for the sake of sex was not the fun and liberating experience that I fantasized it being. It wasn't fun at all, and I regretted it the next day.

My conclusion is that meaningless hookups just don't cut it for me. The thought of having a stranger in my bed is extremely riveting and exciting, but actually having a stranger in my bed is disgusting.

That's a good realization to have, that sometimes fantasies are just fantasies. Trying to bring fantasies alive doesn't always work because reality gets in the way, and my reality is that I don't really want to sleep with a lot of people. So going forward, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe I'll still try CL every now and then (low commitment, easy), but posts for casual drinks and flirting with no path/expectations for more, emotionally or physically.

The night with Labmate was also the first time I've ever blacked out from drinking, not able to remember whole chunks of the night. I don't want that to happen again. I enjoy a bit to drink, and it is fun, but I need to be more aware and have more self-control about knowing when to stop. I highly doubt I would have gone home with Labmate if I were cognizant of my surroundings.

As for HB and Broadway, I'm starting to get the clarity that I've been seeking, but I'll save that for another post.