loneliness

Over the last year or so, I’ve developed an exceptionally hard exterior shell. It’s sourced from my innate independence and the “I don’t need someone else to help me” mentality that I’ve always had, but also definitely from secret insecurities: an irrational lurking fear that without this hard exterior shell, I will appear vulnerable, and people will take advantage of me.

Some of that may be true, and I see it in friends of mine who try but aren’t as successful as I am in exuding this hard exterior shell. One friend specifically, she gets taken advantage of all the time. Her problem though is different than mine. Her problem is that she tries too hard to be everyone’s friend and ends up with everyone rolling right over her and no assertiveness of her own to fight back.

My problem trends the other direction – I’m too straightforward and assertive. I didn’t used to be like this. I was passive, timid, indirect, but after experiencing how easy things are when I just tell people what I’m thinking and what I want, I have few fears anymore. (Talking to a cute guy while sober is one of the remaining fears).

But I feel I might be alienating people with my directness. We live in a society where people want criticism delivered between flourish, to temper the harshness. I deliver the criticism as is – I’m not mean, but I’m direct, and I get caught up in it. I derive energy from the directness, so the more direct I am, the more direct I get, and the more direct I continue to be until the person finally collapses in a heap in a corner willing me to just stop talking.

When really, I feel so vulnerable. I come home at the end of the day, and I feel so lonely. I want a shoulder to lay on. I want someone to hold my face and tell me everything in the world is okay. I want someone who will wipe my tears away when I talk about how harsh it is out there (ironic since I often deliver the harshness to others). I want someone whom I can touch gently just by holding my arms out, for no reason other than to know that he’s there, that I’m not alone.

I had no respect for HB whom I thought to be the antithesis of analytical. Broadway exemplified analytical and intelligence, but made me sad with his sadness and cynicism. The Doctor was sexually manipulative but too timid out in the world. The Ex was too perfect, too happy, and too optimistic.

I’ve had four bowls of porridge already, and none of them are just right. There’s not even a fifth bowl to try. Where is my perfect bowl?

And when is the problem me? HB was not smart enough. Broadway was too smart that he made me feel inadequate. Broadway was too depressed, but the Ex was too optimistic that I depressed him in the same way Broadway depressed me. There is such a narrow range of “just right” for me that I have to wonder if I’m just really difficult to get along with.

I’m ready for another relationship, because I want that someone who looks up at me from the couch with the happiest most affectionate smile at the end of the day. But I’m scared of the investment. Connection takes time to build – I had 3 years with Broadway, a tumultuous maybe year with HB, 6 months with the Doctor, and 2 years and 7 months with the Ex. I don’t want another 2-year investment that ends in yet another heartbreak.

So I’m back to the beginning. All I want is to have that perfect person so that I can be as vulnerable externally as I feel internally, but I’m afraid of giving up my hard exterior shell because then I will be vulnerable.