some updates

1) Job – I accepted a job offer recently. What they say about these things really is true: when it rains, it pours. The job that I thought I got back in December ended up backing out. They never contacted me in January like they said they would, and when I asked for an update at the end of January, they replied very vaguely and said they would get back to me in two weeks time. End of February (4 weeks later), not having heard still, I contacted them again. Their response?

“We are no longer hiring.”

Well shit. I reported them to our Careers Office, through which they recruited, and careers was mortified. But that didn’t help my situation of no longer having a job that I thought I had.

Scrambling, I renewed my job search and sent out a ton more resumes and started networking and talking to people again. After a lot of agonizing because I hadn’t heard back from anyone, I heard back from everyone all at once. Within a two-week time frame, I interviewed at multiple companies for multiple rounds and ended up with three offers. In addition, the selection process for a government fellowship I applied for also finally concluded, and I got that too!

So the stress point shifted from sulking about not having a job to deciding which option to go with, how much to negotiate which offer, public or private sector, move to DC or stay in Boston, stay in science or switch to something different? There were so many forks in the road.

I ultimately decided to stay in Boston, but to switch fields. No more bench research, but still working with plenty of science in a science consulting role. I don’t start until September, so that leaves me the whole summer to scheme some fantastic adventures.

2) HB - I never mentioned the conclusion of HB. I went to Chicago at the beginning of March. I repeatedly told him my mind was made up about this being the end. It’d been over since mid-February, with no hopes for revitalizing. We weren’t exactly on good terms, and it was unclear what seeing each other would accomplish. But he insisted, and I already had the plane tickets booked and didn’t want to deal with hassle of trying to get a refund. But who am I kidding? It wasn’t very hard to convince me to go.

In the end, I’m glad I visited. Things really are different in person. Despite still being 100% certain that this is not the relationship that I want, it was much nicer to say goodbye in person. It gave me good parts to hold on to as I move away from this relationship, and it gave him some better characteristics of me to remember too. Very bittersweet, actually. Sometimes two people just don’t work, no matter how much they try.

3) Dating - As I mentioned in the last post, I now finally feel ready for a relationship. I want that support and that intimacy, and I don’t really want hook-up buddies like Special Friend anymore. It worked for the state I was in last fall and even in January, but it feels so empty now. All of this feeds into the loneliness factor, of course. It seems that if I want a hook-up buddy, I can find them around every corner, but where is that perfect connection for something deeper, more permanent?

I’ve started to put myself out there, without much success. How do you broach the subject with a friend you’re interested in as more than a friend? It’s almost easier with strangers – getting rejected is a hit on my pride, but there’s nothing at stake. I won’t ever see him again. Not true with friends – it all comes down to subtle hints, and maybe a joint drinking session when both people feel more courageous.

But things with friends just aren’t two-sided right now. I feel attraction from a couple of guy friends toward me (though I guess you never can be 100% sure), but I repeatedly send “friends-only” signals to diffuse because I am not interested in more. On the other hand, I have a couple of friends (like college Ed) whom I’d like to be more than friends, yet they send me “friends-only” signals.

Seems like the whole world is full of wasted emotions.