now what?

Irish, when he came back from Ireland, switched labs to continue his PhD. Coincidentally, he switched into the same lab that RC is in. Last Friday night, RC mentioned that he had given Irish a ride home from lab, and Irish had invited him to a BBQ. RC said that he couldn't go because he already had plans, but didn't further specify (RC and I were going to a jazz club that night). When RC was telling me this story, he mentioned that he didn't know whether or not to mention that he actually had plans with me, because he didn't know if Irish knows we are dating. (RC knows that Irish and I are good friends).

I don't think I was purposefully keeping the news about me & RC away from Irish. The topic never came up in conversation, though I have to admit that I wasn't exactly trying to steer conversation in that direction either. So, after what RC said, I decided to tell Irish about RC and me. Last night, Irish and I were both hanging out a friend's apartment and having a pretty chill evening. When I drove him home afterwards, I told him that RC and I are dating.

That prompted Irish to say that he was glad I mentioned something because it would allow him a chance to say something, too. Here, my heart fluttered for a second because I thought he was going to say that he'd been dating someone, too, which I knew would make me feel sad. Instead, he said that he felt like some of the stuff he's said or has done since coming back from Ireland may have given me the false impression that he was doing them out of something more than friendship, he wanted to make sure I knew that his motivations were purely those of just-a-friend.

My heart still sank upon hearing this. I'd always felt that Irish would always be there for me, and here he was telling me essentially that he's over me and wants to purely be "just friends", closing the door on anything more.

Then he asked me if I ever misinterpretted his actions and thought that they stemmed from somewhere beyond plain friendship. I had to admit to him that I did. I mean, he brought me back gorgeous silver Celtic earrings from Ireland, for crying out loud. That's not something a "just friends" male friend would give a girl; it's more along the lines of what a brother or a boyfriend would give. I'm not sure how the conversation proceeded from there, but we ended up talking until 5:30am about us. Here is the stuff I remember:

1) He really likes me, and there has always been a gray area between friendship and wanting something more in his mind. He thought that when we decided to just be friends back in March, that this conversation would never come up again because he always thought I only wanted friendship, which was why his actions from there on out were focused completely on friendship and he wanted to make sure that I would see them only as friendship.

2) I told him that I have always had this gray area, which he was really surprised by. He asked why I never said anything, and I told him that I didn't know what to do about it. I was pretty sure that he has always had that gray area, so I felt like it was on me to tap into that, and if I were ever to bring up my gray area, we would certainly get into a conversation about a relationship between the two of us. However, I was really torn on whether or not I want a relationship with him, so I felt that any conversations we have on the topic would be a dead-end with no resolution. So I never brought it up.

3) He asked where I thought we are right now in terms of friendship/relationship. I likened our situation to being at the edge of a cliff. We'd gone down this gradual decline so far, and we've now come to a cliff that we can jump off of together, or back away from. I want to jump, but I'm afraid of what's down below. He asked me if I thought fear alone was reason enough not to jump, and that he would never want to always wonder, "What if? What could have been?" So he wants to jump as long as I would jump with him. I told him that I didn't know.

4) I said that there are logistical roadblocks to our being together, and it's hard for me to see a clear defined future, meaning that he's Irish, and he'd want to go back to Ireland after school is over, and I would want to stay here in the US. He said that he actually has thought of that, and he thinks he would want to stay in the US.

5) He asked if my only hesitation for starting a relationship was this fear of screwing up what we have right now. I said that I didn't know. What I left unsaid was that I'm not really physically attracted to him. This I thought some more about (and have been thinking about), and I think I could get over it. I feel that I'm starting to get over his chubbiness, but I wonder if that's me trying to convince myself that I can date him because of all the other good things about him.

6) I told him that I was really torn, especially given the situation with RC. I told Irish that I really like RC, and had pretty much settled on wanting to see where things would go with that and wanting to move it toward the direction of a serious committed relationship. I told Irish that I don't know how to turn my back on RC, but at the same time, I wanted to give Irish and me a chance because it is obvious that we have a lot we connect over, and it is definitely obvious that there is something between us.

So in the end, I didn't know how to resolve this situation. I feel like there aren't really good reason for me and Irish not to date, besides the fact that I find him chubby. At the same time, I want to give a chance for RC and me. I really see a lot of potential there, and I hate to throw it all away. I even told Irish that I wouldn't know what to say to RC if I were to break things off. My heart wouldn't be set on it; everything I would tell him would be a lie because I do really like him, and I don't want to break things off. If ever I did, it would be because I would want to jump off the cliff with Irish, and I don't know if that's the right decision for me right now.

I feel that if RC were not in the picture, I would have plunged with Irish last night to give the two of us a try. I do think the chubbiness thing is becoming less and less of an issue (and his guitar-playing and song-singing skills definitely help that :). However, with RC in the picture, I want to give RC and try, and go back to Irish if/when RC and I don't work out. That's me wanting to have my cake and to eat it, too.

Irish asked me a lot of questions last night about how compatible I thought we were, if I thought we'd have a good relationship together, what my ideal was. I told him pretty much the truth, including things like wanting a guy who knows the etiquette of dress up in a crisp button-up shirt and working/mingling a room for a wine & cheese (which I know he doesn't like), and the fact that in relationships, I'm really dependent and want to spend a lot of time with the person (completely different from my fleeting, independent nature I exhibit with friends), and that I'm very unreasonable when I get upset in a relationship and would sometimes pick fights for the sake of picking a fight (I know he hates fighting in relationships).

His responses were that he thinks I would push him to do some things he may not want to do (like wine and cheese parties), that being with me would force him to get over the chip on his shoulder about those things stemming from his experiences from childhood. He said that if we were together, we would both be independent in our own ways together. For example, he could see us arriving at a wine&cheese together, but then going in different directions as we independently "work the room". And as for the picking fights, he said that he's a "roll with the punches" kind of guy, and he would yield to me. I told him that his doing that would probably piss me off more because I would want him to fight back, and it would frustrate me that he's just taking the punches. He jokingly said, "well, in that case, I better start learning how to fight in a relationship, then!"

I do question how honest he is being with himself about that kind of stuff. Is he unrealistically bending over backwards to fit into the ideal mold that I have set up for my partner-for-life? Is he trying to convince me that we would work?

I really don't know what to do right now. My gut instinct is that I don't want to give up on RC. It would be a lot easier if RC were not in the picture, because I think I definitely would give Irish and me a chance. I don't want to have to always wonder, "what if?" with Irish and me.

If only these decisions are ever simple and clear cut.