cold, then hot

It turned out to be a nice Thanksgiving after all. I had a friend in town who flew out Thursday afternoon, and RC told me to call him after I dropped her off at the airport. I left my phone at home to charge, thinking I would call him after I got home instead of on my way home. I was surprised when I got home to have had two missed calls from him and a message along the lines of "I know you're probably really mad at me right now, after last night. Call me. I'm sorry."

So I called him back, and he said he really didn't think I was going to call him after I dropped off my friend. He didn't even think I would pick up his calls, and I realized that he thought I screened his calls. He asked if he could come over. I think I was just cold and aloof on the phone, but I told him sure he can come over.

He apologized profusely, even started crying. He said that he didn't know why he said the things that he did the night before, and he is so so sorry. He did say that when he essentially gave me an ultimatum of "That's just the way I am. If you can't deal with it, then this is it. Is this it for us?" he said partly he wanted to see how easily I would let go. Had I said yes, that really would have been it, and his reasoning would have been that if I'm that willing to let things go, then it probably wouldn't have worked in the end.

So he was testing me???

Then it got intense. He told me that he is sure he wants to be with me, as in forever. I asked him why he was crying, and he said he had been crying all day because he thought he had lost me. We had kinda joked about getting married before, not ha-ha joking, but the not-so-serious yeah let's get married in Hawaii on the beach. Thursday, though, it was no joking. He very sincerely and emphatically said that I am the one for him.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but I did tell him I could see myself marrying him. Then I got a little freaked out because he seriously started asking questions, "So I don't know how really to go about this. What do I need to do from here?" I coyly told him that was his problem; he needs to figure out how he wants to propose. He then said that we could get engaged in the spring (!!!!), and get married the next year (2008!!!).

Holy shit.

So many things started running through my head. First was a comparison to Key. Key and I were together for 2.5 years, and we started talking marriage maybe 1.5 years into the relationship, and I remember him saying that he's pretty sure we would stay together forever, and my asking him, "well, when do you want to do this?" His answer was always, "oh, well, we have to finish school first. At least I need to graduate, you know? So definitely not for a few more years." A year later, his answer changed to, "well, after I graduate, I want to get settled a little more before getting engaged. So not for a few more years."

I felt like Key always tried to avoid the topic, and he never gave a straightforward answer about the whole thing, whereas RC is here saying "yeah, let's get engaged in the spring." No hesitation, no lolly-dollying, he really is sure about this.

What about me? How do I feel? I feel like I still have reservations. Reservations about things that I can't change, all consequences of that fateful car accident. Were those things not there, I think I would be in this 100%, and then who knows, maybe I will actually be engaged before I turn 25. But with those things, I'm not certain, and it wouldn't be fair to me nor to RC if I commit to something I'm not 100% sure about. But then the question is, are we ever 100% sure? How do we know?

It is scary how quickly things can do a 180. Just this summer, I was thinking how I am at odds with myself. One part of me has this pre-conceived notion that I've always thought I'd get married around 25, that my mom getting married at 27 is too late, that I want something sooner for myself. The other part of me can't even seem to settle down to date one person for more than a month because of commitment-phobia. And here I am, a mere 4 months later, closer to being engaged than I've ever been.

I just think everything's happening too quickly, though I'm not ruling out the fact that with the right person, things can be fast and passionate. I only just met RC in August, August 13 in fact, at our mutual friend's wedding. It's been less than 4 months that we've even known each other, let alone date. Should we even be talking about how sure we are about spending the rest of our lives together?