never perfect

Last weekend when I called my parents, I told my mom that RC had been in a serious car accident many years ago. I told her that the accident broke some vertebrae, so he has some metal screws in his back. Additionally, he walks with a bit of a limp because the accident damaged his spinal cord a bit, affecting some nerve endings that control his calf muscles. I held back telling her about other permanent damage that are probably more key, but which make them even harder to tell her. She seemed okay with it, saying that she shuddered when she heard me say he had lasting damage/injury from a car accident, but the conversation ended at that.

I usually call my parents on Sundays, but this week, I called my dad yesterday (Saturday) because I knew he was going to leave today on a business trip. I was out eating Sushi with RC, having a great day, when I remembered that I should call my dad before he leaves. It was the usual mindless chit chat, but at one point, the conversation got serious. He said that mom had told him about RC's injuries.

The way he talked about it seemed like there was no way he would accept RC. I knew this would be a problem. He kept saying, "It's not like you have no one else to date. It's not like he's so perfect in every other regards that this can be overshadowed and overlooked. This is serious; I really didn't know RC has this problem."

I tried to play it off, that I was taking his advice in full stride, and said that I would keep that in mind when I'm evaluating RC as a whole for my future, thinking that he would back off because I was accepting what he was saying. That didn't seem to be good enough for him. His response was that I need to be more serious about this, that something like this just wouldn't work, and if I'm still just sitting around only "evaluating it" and "taking it into consideration", I'm wasting everyone's time (RC's and mine) and diminishing my chances to meet someone else.

I wanted to crawl through a hole. Here I was, sitting across the dinner table from RC, who is smiling at me and doodling things on his paper placemat to pass time as he listens to the "pretty words" I say in Chinese when I talk to my parents, completely oblivious to what I am talking about with my dad.

I felt really desolate, wondering why is it that nothing can be perfect. Just when I think I've found the perfect guy, something major is not right, makes it not work. I remember looking across the table at RC while my dad's going off on one of his rants, wondering how in the world I could ever tell that face that I can no longer be with him because my parents cannot accept him. Then I had to fake a smile, so as to not let on what I was really thinking.

RC's coming home with me for a few days over New Year's; we had talked about this for about a month now, and he just got his tickets this past week. When I originally told my mom about his situation last week, she asked me how bad of a limp was it when he walked. I remember telling her that she can see for herself when he comes to visit over New Year's.

Yesterday, my dad said "Whether or not he comes to visit is completely up to you guys, but you should think hard about if you want him to come as just a regular friend or as something more." That really sent shock pangs through me because I realized that if he had his way, he would want me to end things with RC asap, right now.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have my own reservations about RC's injuries that I was fighting with. The last thing I need right now is for my parents to add to that pressure. I want whatever decision I make to be my own, and not something that was encouraged by my parents. Lastly, if I choose to stay with RC, I don't want my parents to be disappointed in him.