in general

Even after all the crying I did about RC while on the phone with Mom, I cried about Key.

An old college friend of ours IMed me today and said that old pictures came up on his screensaver all of a sudden, pictures from Disney World (spring break 4th year) and Beach Week (right before graduation). I have these pictures on my laptop, too, and every now and then when I sort through files, I look at them, but somehow his mentioning it was different. It made me want to cry.

I then went to facebook to look at Key's profile, to see if anything's been changed recently. I noticed that his new girlfriend (not THAT new, since May-ish) left him a post on his wall, in response to something one of his residents wrote last year about having interrupted a date of his. I think about how he told me he wasn't sure whether or not things would work out with EJ (the new gf) because they each have one more year of law school left, and they both want to go to different places after graduation. And knowing that it wouldn't work out geographically in a year, he wondered whether or not to expend the energy to date her in the first place?

I guess he kept expending the energy. That made me want to cry more. All that energy he's expending on her, he used to spend on me. All the love that he's giving her now, he used to give to me. One of his roommates from last year of college got engaged recently (I found out through the same friend who IMed me today). They started after Key and I, and everything worked out for them. Now, some 2+ years later, they decided to get engaged. Why couldn't Key and I have that too? Why was it so not in the cards for us?

This past week, I got motivated to rearrange my apartment, bring some stuff out to the living room, clean up my study, get rid of a rug, rearrange a table, etc. etc. This required thinking about what new places to put random stuff I have on my walls. I haven't moved any furniture yet, but I did stare at the few things I have up on my walls, one of which was from Key.

It was my 2003 Christmas present, and I remember having gotten into a fight about it. I went back to school early from break, and drove up to DC to visit him while he was still at home on vacation. That was the first time I met his parents. Since it was already after the New Year, I thought that I would get my Christmas present on that visit, especially since he had been mentioning it when I talked to him on the phone. When I realized that I wasn't going to get the present until later (as in a couple of weeks later when he returns to school), I got really disappointed and threw a temper tantrum (yes, I was really mature back then).

To this day, I still feel so terrible about that incident. The presents I ended up getting were so thoughtful, and the reason he couldn't give it to me while I was visiting him was because he wasn't done making it. The main thing he made was a framed hand-drawn/written verse of "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." He had translated the verse into Chinese himself, and while there was plenty of awkwardness in how he literally translated the verses, I couldn't help crying looking at it because I knew how much love he had put into the piece. All around the verses that he had written out, he also copied scenes from Calvin & Hobbes, Peanuts showing rain and happiness, all hand drawn and hand-colored.

After Key and I broke up (it's been more than a year), I still haven't had the heart to take the frame down from my wall. I took it down today just to look at it more closely, and the tears instantly came streaming down. I cried harder thinking that he's now pouring all that love and all that thoughtfulness into EJ.

I really miss Key. I know we probably would have never worked, but that doesn't make me miss him any less. That doesn't make the pain any duller. Right now, as I type this, tears are running down my face. I really want to cry hard, cry until I have no more tears. But RC is in the other room; I don't want him to see me crying. I wouldn't know what to tell him. I wouldn't be able to explain what is making me cry.