am I too critical?

Key said I was too critical, that he was always stressed and afraid that he would upset me in some way, that I will dislike the way he does something, or disapprove of how he said hi to somebody. I knew that I was unreasonable sometimes, but my pride and immaturity prevented me from ever acknowledging that I was in the wrong or to apologize properly.

Since the breakup (Oct 2005, on my birthday no less), I've given this issue a lot of thought. I keep going back to blaming him for the breakup, that he was the one who couldn't tolerate my non-Christian-ness. But now that quite a bit of time has passed, I can't help but look at myself. I think a lot of the problems with Key and me came down to how controlling and critical I was. Things had to be done my way because of course, that's the most efficient way. I had no room for mistakes, even something as trivial as leaving the window open during the day when it's cold outside. Sure, he probably should have shut the window before leaving the house, but does it really warrant me getting mad at him? No, it's not worth it.

Little things like that build up the resentment, and in the end, I think Key just got tired of having to deal with it and didn't want to live with it the rest of his life. I used to say that his and my philosophies were different on relationships: I thought that love above all else was what mattered, and with love, everything else can be worked out. Whereas his philosophy was that we couldn't talk about love and commitment and marriage until we worked out the issues, such as religion.

In the end, I think his philosophy was the same as mine. It was just that the issues were too great in his mind. He didn't want to live with a nagging girlfriend/fiance/wife for the rest of his life who would get upset and annoyed about the smallest things.

RC essentially told me the same thing the other night. After he said "no" to my question of whether or not he still wanted to do this, I asked if he could tell me why. His reason was that I was too critical, that he constantly fears doing something that would upset or annoy me, that I would get mean when he got the directions wrong, or when he put some silly papers in the wrong order, or if he hung his coat on the wrong hook... trivial things.

The truth is that I don't think I started getting easily annoyed until most recently. What he said particularly hit home because I really thought that I had gotten better since Key, that I was better about not taking people for granted and being appreciative and not as selfish with however my moods swung. And it was particularly depressing that RC had the same to say about me that Key did.

I know that I am critical. I'm really independent (mostly), and I'm capable of a lot of different things. I usually have an idea of how to go about doing something the best, the most efficiently, the most logically, and I sometimes lose my patience when someone else chooses to not do it my way. I'm less likely to say something to friends, acquaintances, classmates, co-workers just because I want to remain polite. But for someone I'm dating, once we're over the initial stage of giddy happiness, I lose the desire to brush over things for the sake of being polite. So the controlling side of me comes out.

I know this, but I don't know if I can change. I fear that every relationship I have will be happy and dandy until the point in the relationship when my critical side starts to come out. I don't blame guys for walking away because they can't stand being around me all day because all I do is criticize them. Nobody can take that for long.

I just feel like I'm a failure when it comes to relationships. I'm not very forgiving or accommodating. Even when I think I am, my actions are different from what I want my actions to be.