and now comes the hard part

"Hi Mini,
I don't think I'm up for the concert on Saturday. Feel free to use the tickets and invite someone else to go.

-RC
p.s. I need to come by your place sometime this evening to pick up my books."

He just sent me this, in response to a short, but enthusiastic email I sent him asking if he would still be up for a concert this Saturday (we have complimentary tickets from something else we went to). Maybe my sending him that email was a mistake; maybe I shouldn't have done that. Why would I think that it would be fun for us to see a concert Saturday night?

Regardless, I sent it, and the matter-of-fact tone of his reply made me want to run to the bathroom and cry. Just like that, he now wants his stuff back (which btw, in addition to his books, include a duffle bag, a shirt, and some gloves). I guess better sooner than later, but I really just wanted the consolation of still having some of his stuff, and his still having some of mine because then I know we would still see each other sometime in the future. Whereas he wants to just Cut. Ties. Now.

A couple of more short one-sentence emails back and forth, and we agree that he'll come over tonight around 10, and now I'm sitting here driving myself crazy with more irrationality. I know that when he's over tonight, I would want to stay for more than just the couple of minutes to do the stuff swapping. Even it if it means our sitting next to each other silent, maybe sighing, maybe not, because it would mean I could spend just a bit more time with him.

Him, on the other hand, I know that he would want to just come in, get everything, and head out. I know that the reasonable, logical, rational thing to do is to let him go, and not to keep him. But I don't think I'm being very rational right now.

I want to know that we'll still see each other, that we'll still be in each others' lives, that we'll still go snowboarding on the weekends, that we'll still go try out random out-there concerts, that we would still care enough to be there for one another. But I know I'm just being delusional.

West Side told me that I need to just let him go tonight, not even keeping him for a minute longer, even if it means crying to myself afterwards.

I also called Medical today, to set up an appointment with one of their therapists; I've been meaning to do this for a couple of months. They're going to call me back at 3 to talk briefly about my concerns so that they can match me up with someone fitting for me. I think this will be good for me, to be able to just talk to someone openly and candidly without fearing being judged. I think I want to set up regular appointments for a little while.