take my mind off of things

For the past couple of days, I've been agonizing. I feel like I regret the breakup. I don't understand why I got so annoyed at him in the first place. I hate my parents for planting doubts in my mind (not specific doubts about him per se, but their disapproval definitely took a huge toll on my feelings for RC). I feel like if I could just have one more try, I wouldn't get so upset so easily and drive him away with my critical nature. But then I think about my parents, and how they will never approve of him, and that makes me stop dead-in-my-tracks and not text, call, or email. And then I hate that I value their opinion so much that I sacrifice my own happiness.

Actually, I think that I am just hurting and being irrational, but I'm not sure either. I've started many unfinished emails to him today and yesterday; from "I'm not ready to give up on us" to "I want to still be a part of your life" to "I still have some of your stuff that I can bring by". I feel like having him around with annoyances is better than not having him at all, and that I'm ready to embrace him for all his greatness and faults, emotional and physical.

I don't know how much of this is brought about by my generally unstable emotional state right now, and how much of this is for real.

Right after the breakup, I was preparing to face the world on my own, sans friends: sitting in on Friday nights, watching late night TV, doing things that amuse me, by me, for me, and with only me and my lonesome self ... One reason I didn't want to call up anyone here to do stuff was because I didn't want to shoulder the responsibility of organizing. I feel like that task always falls to me, and right now I just don't have the energy for it. Even if I wanted to see someone, I would want something low-key. Ice cream and a Grey's Anatomy marathon, for example. With girlfriend(s), of course.

Too bad West Side and Best Friend are in Chicago and Mexico City, respectively, and no one is in town whom I feel like pouring my heart out to. Ugh. Feelings of loneliness is another post altogether.

But as if by magic, I got a couple of emails/chats from different groups of friends on Thursday (the day after the fateful night), asking if I would be interested in going out this weekend, and I didn't even have to spearhead/plan anything. So I'm going out for a late dinner/drinks with some folks tonight, and going out dancing tomorrow night.

Maybe this will be good, to take my mind off of some things. Then I think about RC, and I think about what he has. He still has to stay focused, and to keep studying for those dreadful exams dawning on him in about a week now. He can't just zone out for a few days. I really wish we hadn't gotten into this mess until his exams were done, but I guess conversations just go the way that conversations go. It was time, and there wasn't much I could have done to keep stalling it. He was already unhappy because I was snapping at him 70% of the time we were together. I just wasn't very good at hiding my dissatisfactions.

But right now, I really want to call him, to tell him I'm sorry, and to tell him I still love him and that I still want to be with him, and that I want to give us another chance.