he broke up with me

As much as that's what I wished for and wanted, it still feels shitty, especially the end when he was so quick to hang up the phone, without even a hint of a linger, or wanting to savor the last moments of the conversation, if only for memory's sake to wallow in the sadness surrounding the situation. Nope, just bye, click. I think more than anyone else, I didn't want things to end with RC because I didn't want to experience the quickness with which he would erase me from his life afterwards, as I know he will now do. Is that so irrational that I don't want him to forget me so easily? I want to know that I meant something significant to him.

He called to talk about how stressed out he was, and how he doesn't have a whole lot of motivation, and he's always been reluctant to talk to me because he didn't want to disappoint me. Because he knew I saw his lack of motivation as a weakness. This shook me a little bit, to think that he was afraid to talk to me. Am I that intimidating that he wants so bad to not appear weak in front of me? The conversation carried on for a while, with my trying to be as supportive and understanding as possible, and telling him that we all lose confidence; we all lose motivation...

Somehow the conversation turned to us, and before I knew it, I found myself telling him that I didn't think he was very happy being with me, that when the good times roll around, they're really good, but that I got the feeling that the good times are far and few in between. This was how I felt about him, and I was taking a stab that maybe he was feeling similarly, too. So he told me yes, that it has been very hard recently because we seem to very easily get frustrated with each other. Specifically, I seem to very easily get frustrated with him. So I guess he noticed.

He said that he just didn't think that things would get better. He thought that we would only get more and more easily frustrated with each other, and that as time goes on, we would just build our resentment because he would keep making the same mistakes that he does, and every time I would be that much quicker to get mad, because not only would I be frustrated at whatever act/mistake itself, but I would also be frustrated that he still hasn't learn from his past mistakes. Which I guess is true.

Normally, I would argue the point perhaps. "But there's a point in every relationship where things seem to clash often and significantly" ... "But what we have is good, and we can work through this" ... but I didn't argue.

Instead I asked him "So what do you think this means? Do you want to keep doing this?"

He said, "I don't know ..." pause...pause...pause... "no."

And I said, "okay."

I still wish that we had never gone back on that breakup the night he was in Ctown. Had we ended things then, we would have ended things on a heartbreak. We would have both looked back and sighed and told people just how much we loved each other and how much we both wanted to be with each other, but in the end, we broke up because certain fundamental things just didn't look like they would work out. It would have been a sad breakup, one that neither one of us actually wanted, but we felt we had to do.

Instead, we got a breakup that, I think, made both of us content. I don't think either of us feel that this was a heartbreak. In the end, we both probably feel a sense of relief. That's sad that we got to this point; it's hard to hold on to the good memories like this. Additionally for me, as much as I know that's how I feel, it's still hard to accept that that's how he feels about me too. Even though I no longer wanted the relationship, I wanted him to want me still. I wanted him to still love me. Knowing that he probably no longer does, hurts.