i caved ...

In typical girl fashion, I held on to his things, not silly things like a pencil or a pack of gum, but things that I knew he would want back like a leather jacket, or a pair of expensive waterproof gloves he recently bought for snowboarding. When he came to pick up his stuff Thursday night, I knew that he had forgotten these things, but I didn't bother reminding him. I didn't hide them; I just didn't open the coat closet door to say, "oh, why don't you check in here, too."

There were also some other things, small random stuff that I bought him when I was traveling to Asia, California, the South: a scarf that he asked for, a silly little red handmade glass starfish (because we have a running thing about starfish), an eggling that grows a plant, and other silly things. At the time, he was staying over almost every night, so after I gave the stuff to him, he just kept it at my place. I guess I was a bit miffed that he wouldn't take them home, but then I consoled myself by saying that he thought my apartment was home.

I was miffed anew when he didn't take that stuff with him Thursday night, even more disappointed thinking that he probably forgot that I ever even gave him that stuff ...

Anyway, I knew that he didn't quite take everything with him the other night, but I didn't bother to tell him because I knew having more of his stuff would mean that there would be other chances for me to see him. If he still has non-trivial things at my place, there has to be a point in the future when we'll have to call each other and arrange a meeting for stuff-swapping.

Yes, I know, I'm a sneaky sneaky girl.

So yesterday, I gathered up the starfish, the scarf, and the eggling, went to Costco and bought him a 12-pack of Peppermint Dentyne (because I kept saying I'd get him bulk packs from Costco because it's cheaper), and I called him, leaving a message saying that I still had some of his things, could I drop them off later in the day? (Notice that I conveniently neglected to gather up his leather jacket and gloves with the rest of the stuff ... saving them for a future rendezvous)

He was studying all day, so he came by early evening around 6pm. I had planned to ask him to sit down and talk when he came by, to say that I was glad we made the decision that we did, even though it's really hurt the last few days. I had planned to ask him about remaining in my life as a friend, that I wanted him there as someone I could call, and I wanted to be there equally for him, maybe not immediately because we probably could use some time alone, but definitely in the near future when we're hurting a bit less. I wanted to ask him if that would be okay with him, if that is what he wanted as well ...

... but both of us were starving, so we decided to talk over dinner. Some meat, potatoes, and plenty of held back tears so as to not make a scene in the restaurant, later, we ended up at my place, and he asked if he could spend the night ... and against all better judgment, I conceded.

We're not back together; that part is clear. Both of us are on the same page about that, but then just what are we? I'm not really sure ... yikes.