this contradiction of mine...

What's a good age to marry? I used to think 25, and here I am, rapidly approaching 25 with not really a prospect. Most days I WANT to find someone to marry, to settle down, to have kids. I'm not sure if this is what society tells me to do, or if there is some internal biological clock that's starting to scream now that I am less than six months away from my quarter-century birthday.

The other part of me is definitely not ready to marry. This is the part that I rarely admit to and certainly almost never let out. Deep inside, I know that I can hardly even commit to a dating relationship. My eyes are always wandering; my thoughts are always inappropriately focused on other men.

Just the other day, I got an email from a college fling. Even since we met in our first year of college, we'd been flirtatious with each other up until we actually hooked up in the spring of our third year. We dated briefly afterwards, left on good terms, but something was always still there between the two of us. After I started dating Key, he was always the model gentlemen, never so much as even look at me more than what was appropriate, but whenever we did run into each other, there was always a level of silent sexual tension we both felt.

So the other day I got an email from him that was quite flirtatious (though in response to a silly email from me that could probably be easily interpreted as flirtatious). He moved to an exotic part of the world about a year after we graduated, and he recently celebrated a birthday in a major big exotic city. I had emailed wishing him a happy birthday and told him that I hoped he had fun in Big Exotic City. He emailed back saying that he will be sure to celebrate closer to Boston next year so that I can partake in the festivities.

My heart skipped a beat reading that, and I started to imagine all kinds of possibilities if he were to come around and visit Boston, most of which is completely inappropriate given my current status of in-a-relationship. This got me thinking that these days, I really do wish I were single so that I can make decisions by myself, without having to take anyone else's feelings into account. Essentially I want to be able to act and not be held responsible for my actions.

As soon as this thought crossed my mind, I realized this contradiction of mine: my brain tells me that I want to settle down because I am of-age, but the rest of me wants to live life without inhibitions imposed on me because of my relationship status. I want someone to kiss and to hold me at night, but I want just as much to flirt with cute boys standing next to me in a grocery line or to re-kindle an old flame.

I have come to terms with the fact that I'll settle down when I settle down. If that's meant to be 30, fine. If that's meant to be next year, then so be it (though GB would really need to step it up a notch here). If finding a mate for life is just not in the cards for me, fine too, I'll learn to deal because I would have to (though I hope this isn't the case).

That's all fine and dandy, but I worry that I'll never shake this habit of wandering eyes and mind, even when I have settled down, whenever that may be. I keep telling myself that I just haven't found the right person, that with the right person, I won't think adulterous thoughts. But less than 50% of me actually believes that. I worry that I will always harbor these thoughts.

Does everyone feel this way? Or do most people who marry really entertain no thoughts of other men? I wish I knew.