For the first time, I packed a bag to stay over at Special Friend’s. This time, staying over wasn’t something we stumbled on after 5 beers each. Staying over wasn’t just me not going home at the end of a night of partying. We had plans to go snowboarding the next morning, and he texted me to say “You could bring your stuff over and stay if you want.”
Gushing, I thought about what to text back. Obviously, I’d love to stay over. But my protective instinct started to text “Yeah, okay sure. That’d be convenient for the morning.”
Then I erased it because I don’t want to play games anymore. I’m gushing, and he deserves to know how genuinely happy I am that he asked. So I replied “I like it :)”
For the first time, we had sex while both of us were sober. He loves to focus on me, and I love to focus on him. He fumbled a little, only because we don’t yet know each others’ bodies, but he seemed to want to right the situations himself. So I just relaxed, smiled, and let him figure it out. He was gentle but assertive, and our bodies swayed to a slow love-making rhythm.
Right afterwards, with him still on top of me and my legs wrapped up around him, he swooped his arms under my back and hugged me tightly.
“Mmm, that was amazing,” I said.
Silence.
This from a man who just three nights before couldn’t stop saying “oh my god, you are so good.” Does he clam up with sobriety? Is sex not as enjoyable when he’s sober? Was I not good? I went out on a limb to express my pleasure and got silence in return. I felt the hint of the damage.
After a bit of cuddling, he flipped on his stomach so I could give him a back massage.
“I like how hard you press with your hands on my back,” he told me.
“Let me know if it’s too hard.”
“Like when you’re pressing so hard that you pull out some hair from my back?”
I was horrified, immediately took my hands off his back, and asked him if I’d actually done that. Was “I like how hard you press” a passive aggressive way of telling me I was using too much pressure?
“No,” he said, “You weren’t pressing too hard until right before I said that. The pressure feels really good.”
“Oh okay.” But the biting damage had already been done.
5 comments:
I really disliked the book _Siddharta_, but there is a wonderful quote in it. The hero has been learning about lovemaking from a professional:
She taught him, that lovers must not part from one another after celebrating love, without one admiring the other, without being just as defeated as they have been victorious, so that none of them should start feeling fed up or bored and get that evil feeling of having abused or having been abused.
Of course I have no idea what is going on with you and Special Friend, but according to the classics, he did that objectively wrong. He should have admired you.
Splum
What she said.
Honestly? I don't think you've done any damage. Really. Don't forget that guys are traditionally socialized not to express themselves, which is why so many guys go completely overboard on expressing themselves after imbibing a few drinks. It's what makes drunken frat boys do the things they do.
I'd attribute it to that socialization, combined with the newness of the situation. But don't read too much into it. I don't think the damage you think is done is really there. :)
Special friend did do it all wrong. he SHOULD have admired me. sigh.
GeekHiker: i'll take your word on the non-expressiveness while sober. but the damage i was referring to was the damage he did to me. his comments hurt.
I can totally relate to that kind of damage! Just last week I had a guy tell me I was massaging too hard, and then later he also said nothing of the sex, though at the time he wouldn't shut up about it. Those things together have made me hesitate to see him again.
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